Some Tips For Cat Sitters
When you show up at their house to sit their cat....
- Show up with a Great Mastiff at one hand and a Pit Bull on the other. Casually
remark that they haven't eaten in 3 days.
- Stink of catnip.
- Sneeze uncontrollably whenever the cat is around you, and give it nasty stares.
- Show up dressed as a lion tamer. Carry a whip. Whenever the cat comes around,
whip the air and shout firmly, "Back, Tabby, back!"
- Show up dressed in a luxorious fur coat. Stroke and pet the cat continuously, cooing
about how soft and beautiful the cat's fur is.
- While you're there, try to convert the cat to your religion. Alternately, insist
to the owner that the cat has converted you to its religion.
- If the owners are going to be away for a while, ask whether the pet cats are pregnant.
Explain that you don't want to have to deliver any kittens. Be loud. Bring this up at
least 3 times while the owners are there. If the only cats there are male, bring it
up at least 5 times.
- Whenever you see the cat, salute. Stand at attention until the cat leaves.
- Ask to see the cat's litter box. When it is shown to you, loudly protest, "That's
disgusting!" When the owner complains that he/she cleans it daily, explain
"But it's too small! How am I going to use it?"
- Come with a stuffed animal. Explain that you've taken good care of it for years,
so you're the right person to sit their cat.
- Stroke the cat's belly; open its mouth and examine its teeth. Peer down its ears
and look very satisfied. Measure it with your hands. Explain "that's a fine specimen -
but a little small."
- Ask whether you need to feed it once or twice a week.
- Replace the cat with a dog of similar size and color while the owners are away.
When they come home, tell them that the cat was very easy to take care of. When they
ask about the dog, explain that the cat crept into a crystalis in the bedroom while
they were gone and came out like that.
For bonus points, empty the kitchen
of all food. Leave a tremendous mess. Explain that "Kitty was very hungry."
- Try to teach the cat its name.
- Squeeze the cat's ball or other toy and chirp, "Pretty bird! Pretty bird!"
- Explain to the owners that you make a fabulous lasagne.
- Come waving a red cape.
- Show up with a huge, grisly scar across your face. Tell a story about a panther
deep in the jungle. Explain that you can "handle any cat alive" and that you "speak
their language." Offer to open your shirt and show them some jaguar or tiger scars.
- Offer to cryogenically freeze their cat for the duration of their abscence. Explain "it'll save me a lot of work."
- Tell nasty stories about other cat-sitters in the neighborhood.
- When the owners return, praise their cat profusely. State that you will vote
for the cat for President next election.
- When the owners return, complain that you picked up some very bad habits from their kitty.
Threaten to sue for recompensation for the permanent psychological damage done.
- Offer to show the owners your "levitating/disappearing white Siberian tiger"
magic trick, volunteering their cat for the tiger part. Explain that you learned the
trick directly from Sigfried and Roy while cat sitting in Vegas once.
- Bow as you enter the door. Thank the cat's owners profusely for inviting you.
Tell them that you once knew Andrew Lloyd Weber, and that you've been waiting
for a partner to sing and dance with. (A black leotard and thick cat make-up help this
- Ask the cat owners if their cat is racist. When questioned why, explain that you're half-mouse.
- While the owners are away, take the cat out every night to a restaurant. The fancier
that you can get into, the better. (If it helps, dress the cat up.)
- Take a midnight-black kitty with you to the house. Couch it cozily in your arms, and
stroke it as the owners instruct you. Tell them that the cat is your familiar, and ask
whose familiar their cat is.
- When the owners return, tell them that they have the stupidest cat on Earth - "not
like Felix or Sylvester on T.V.".
- When the owners return, have all the furniture replaced with huge upholstered cat
toys, scratching posts, etc. Explain that "Kitty liked it better this way."
- When the owners return, have the cat dressed in a Cat-in-the-Hat hat and bright
red bowtie. If the owners complain to you, reply only in rhyme. Make up words as
you need them.
- When the owners return, answer the door wearing a party hat. Blow a toy party
horn in their faces. Have the cat on the kitchen table, also wearing a party hat,
with a huge pink frosted birthday cake, candles and all. Explain that it's their
cat's birthday, and ask them if they want a balloon, or to play "Pin the Tail on the
- Ask questions of the cat's owners about the cat's pedigree. If they can't provide
any answers, act disgusted and turn your nose in the air. Call their cat "common".
Explain that you can trace your cat's pedigree "all the way back to Puss-In-Boots."
- When you meet the cat for the first time, go on and on about how wonderful it is. Ask the owners for cloning rights.
- This one takes a little preperation. Go to the house dressed in a painter's jacket,
wearing a beret and sunglasses, and carrying a cheap camera. When they answer the door,
burst in suddenly and begin taking photographs of them and their house from all
different angles. Stop and exclaim, in a faux French accent, "Ah! I have caught
you offguard! This is half the art of the photographer!" Then scurry out the door,
shutting it behind you. Immediately remove the jacket, shades and beret, hide the
camera, slick back your hair, and knock on the door or ring the doorbell again. Act as if
- Prepare business cards proclaiming you as "World-Famous Cat-Sitter!" If you can,
adding fancies like holograms or gold lettering is a plus. If you can't, little foil
star stickers will work just as well.
- Ask whether their cat has stopped teething, when it needs to be put to bed, what kind of solution it takes, etcetera.
- The first time that the cat mewls, yowls, purrs or meows, leap back horrified and
insist that "the devil has that cat!"
- Explain that you have a government grant for a scientific probability experiment
testing the old adage that a cat always lands on its feet. Ask them how far they'll
allow you to drop their cat.
- Explain that you represent a pet food company. Survey the cat about its taste preferences.
- Ask if there are any Barbies or dress-up clothes in the house for you to play with.
- Show up wearing a Viking helmet on your head and noisily consuming a chicken leg. Ask for
refigerator-raiding rights. (And if they give them to you, please, make them wish that they hadn't.)
- Bring bottles and bottles of medication with you to the house. String them together and tie them around your neck or something.
If the owners so much as glance at them, go into a longwinded explanation about the various
ailments and disabilities that require you to carry so much medicine around. Tell them, "not
to worry, not to worry; the bottles have kitty-safe caps."
- As the first thing that you do after you enter the house, kneel down and mutter,
"Heeere, kitty, kitty, kitty... Heeere, kitty, kitty, kitty..." in
as menacing a voice as possible.
- Everytime the cat brushes against your pant leg, bend over and suspiciously examine your
clothes. Explain that any dry cleaning bills are the responsibility of the pet owner.
- Ask whether their feline has been neutered or spayed. If not, offer to perform the operation for them.
- Insist that you see/hear/smell two or three cats, instead of one, and threaten
to charge your two-cat fee.
- If you're an ailurophobe, you can always take the phrase "cat sitting" completely literally....
- When the owner first introduces you to the cat, say, "Aww! It has your eyes!"