Presented proudly (?) by Chris Street
It'll make your head hurt.
Worse than anything the Oxford Triumvirate could throw at you. Hilbert's Problems are a snap compared to these chestnuts. Think you're smart? Think you're wise? Think you've got everything there is to know about the world stored away in your chest and locked up in your pocket? Well, think again, and take...
Rev. 1.0.0a, 29-Sep-1999
As submitted by
DR. REGINALD K. ROOTINTOOTIN,
University of Upper Dogpatch, Surrey,
and patiently reviewed by
DRS. HY E. KNUPH,
JULIA M. MIKIWEIS,
and I. M. ALWEISS-LETZT.
These instructions pertain to the taking of the quiz in general. More specific instructions will be given in each section, and in any applicable question as appropriate. This test is void where prohibited by law; official rules are posted at the nearest Burger Barn™ restaurant.
I. Who should take this quiz?
Students which have memorized the 10 million phone numbers in the New York City area telephone directories and who have subsequently forgotten them are the central target audience for this exam. However students which have successfully completed a two-year intensive training program in Underwater Basket-Weaving, Film Animation Studies, and Polymorphic Modelling of Cute Little Puppies Using Jell-o and Sporks are also welcome to take this examination. People that hold advanced degrees in Classical Literature, Greek, Latin, or Hebrew, are encouraged to take this test, provided that they also hold degrees in Music, Astrophysics, Mathematics and Theology, or at least believe in themselves.
Of course, any old slob can try as well.
II. What is required to take this quiz?
It depends on what you mean. Equipmentwise, the only thing you are required to bring to the testing area is a Number 2 pencil. (Number 1 pencils are only for show-offs and are so not allowed.) Other equipment will be provided by the Test Administrators.
However, the first page of Section One alone requires a memory like a steel trap and a degree of familiarity with at least two non-Romance languages. To complete the entire test correctly within the time constraints will require incredible genius and stamina beyond any mortal human's capacity. You have been suitably warned.
III. What aids are allowed on this test?
The following aids have been approved by the committee which approves these kind of things:
Anything else, including, but not limited to, extraneous notes, computing devices, and magical amulets, is strictly verboten.
IV. What kind of score is expected of me?
If you don't do poorly, it's a miracle.
If, at any time, it becomes apparent that you are guessing the answers to this test, we will summon up a magical imp which will track your family down and plague you and your descendants to the fourth generation with bad impressions of Carrie Fisher.
VI. If you must eat during the test...
...then please chew with your mouth closed.
VII. How can I keep my head from exploding?
Since the Brobdingnagian Sooper-Dooper Genius Quiz is of an extremely taxing nature and requires great mental concentration, it is not entirely unknown for a subject's head to explode suddenly and with little warning. This must be avoided at all costs. Not only is it extremely painful, but it creates an unfair distraction for all of the test-takers whose heads have not yet exploded.
If you, at any time during the test, feel intense pain shooting from temple to temple or hear a loud incessant buzzing, immediately take the following steps to keep your head from blowing up:
If you follow these rules carefully and rigorously, you will not only save your head, but also ensure that other test-takers will not be unnecessarily disturbed.
Don't. Cheating is strictly frowned upon, which means it will grow up to be an absolutely noisome adult. It is bad. Ew. Yuck.
Thirty or forty Test Administrators will be patrolling the test area throughout the duration of the quiz. You will recognize them by their snarling, rapier sharp teeth and their amazingly solid, developed musculature.
Remember that there is no "wrong" answer to some of these questions, and there is no "right" answer. That means you're pretty much hosed over from the start.
If you complete this section before the rest of the class, please go over your answers until the fat lady in the front sings.
Q1. What element is missing from this curious list? (60 pts.)
Cock, A, Mam, Ie, Sch, en, na, dy, Par, Si, Mony, Qw, Kj, Fo, S*, Blah, Blah, Blah... ?
Q2. Robert O'Brien is to Richard O'Brien as Captain Kirk is to...? (22½ pts.)
Q3. You want to hold a TupperwareTM party and you invite all of your friends over. You know that Mrs. Rhodes is going to come over with her new baby and that she'll steal all of the attention away from your party. What's more, she's a better dresser than you are and she has a lot more money. You are selfish and mean-spirited, so you decide to do what to ensure that your party is the most successful in your area code?
Q5. Determine the location of Question 4, and write it (and answer it!) here: (50 pts.)
Q6. Attempt to read the test composer's mind, and write the answer
to Question 6 here: (50 pts.)
Q7. Cartoon Mice Who Ride On Birds
Mrs. Brisby takes off from Omaha at 3:00 pm (local time) riding Jeremy, a crow. Bernard and Miss Bianca take off from Pasadena at 2:25 pm, riding Wilbur, an albatross. Fievel and Tanya Mouskewitz take off from New York at 5:10 pm, riding Henri, a French pigeon. Assume optimal weather conditions and that all our travellers are headed for Pierre, South Dakota. Where does all the luggage go? (You notice that they're never carrying it around in the movies after getting to their destinations!) (This question is worth the weight of the smallest Test Administrator, divided by 500 lbs.)
Please match the famous movie quotation on the left to the character from Dickens' "Great Expectations" who would have been most likely to utter it. I will not provide a character list; however, you may use the Yellow Pages sitting at the front of the room as a reference. (8 pts. each, or 98.6 pts. if you get all ten... yeah, right.)
a) "You had me at 'Hello!'" ______________________________
Q9. Provide conclusive evidence proving either the existence or nonexistence of God. If you
believe that there is no evidence that can prove either statement, please justify this
statement using a complete proof of unprovability in predicate logic, and offer up a
sacrifice in the back room to appease any deity that you may have insulted:
Q10. Please compose a one-act comic operetta in which George W. Bush and
Bill Clinton star as two wacky Italian gondiliers competing for the affections
of a prima donna ballerina while being pursued by a hippopotamus, that has escaped from a circus.
Using a precision electron microscope (available in the front of the classroom), engrave your
opera on a grain of salt and Scotch tape it into the ridiculously small
space provided below:
Q11. Please compose an miniessay (with no more than 99 words and no fewer than 100 words) comparing and contrasting your opera (from question 10) to Shakespeare's Timon of Athens.
(Worth a random number of points, to be assigned by the Head Test Administrator.)
And no bemoaning over how you are being tormented by the Fates!
Q13. Skipped due to Ms. Knepps' triskaidekaphobia... continue on to Q14
Q14. Who composed Mozart's Requiem, and who was the first American president? Answer these questions
without using vowels.
Q16. Banjo the Woodpile Cat is to William Raleigh as Muddy Waters is to... ? (18.3 pts.)
Q17. Your sister's had a bad day of it. It started when you stole her hair bow and gave it to a burly hardhat worker to use in nest construction. At first it seemed like an innocent bit of mischief... and gee, did it make that construction overseer happy. You remember the eager glimmer in his eye - it made your day seem worthwhile. Unfortunately, you have just learned that your sister is now being tormented by voices inside her head, that she has lost her ability to hiccup, and that her pet beetle doesn't love her anymore. You can't help but feel a little responsible. Something has to be done to remedy the situation. The question is, what?
a) Go on an incredible quest to retrieve her hair bow, singing lots of dandy
songs along the way
Q18. It's a bit of a problem. You see, you've been exiled to deepest Siberia, and it's the middle of winter. Your legs are frozen to the point that you cannot stand up without collapsing right back to the floor again, and the only way that you and your one child stay alive is to keep the fire burning at all hours. So your daughter has to go outside three or four times a day to get fuel for the fire. But today she has come down with a mysterious sleeping sickness and the doctor says that she'll transform into a Wild Gyrating Senator if she goes outside. You'd rather keep her as she is, so whatdaya do?
a) Find a magic, mystical soup spoon that will instantly resolve your troubles and turn you into a superheroine
Q19. How come we human beings sit down in stuffy little rooms and take ridiculous tests like this on things that don't matter, when we could be out doing something?
a) Because we have to
SECTION THE LAST.
a) Pray for forgiveness
(The Test Administrators will herd you into the Electrified Floor Maze for this question. There, we will reenact some of the greatest experiments of behavioral psychology.
After your will is sufficiently broken and you have entered a state of learned
despair, you will be carried back into the room and the test proper will
THE FINAL QUESTION: Q22. The very last! The top of the hill! The end of the world! The stunning conclusion! The grand finale! The breathtaking climax! The inspiring finish! The dramatic exit! The wonderful postlude! The pinnacle of your highest aspirations! The ultimate of all of the great questions, and it's...
Eh... wait, we seem to have forgotten it.
(If you got this far, you deserve all of the points.)
No, don't look guilty! You've reached the end of the test! That's it... you're done!
After you've finished your five heaving sighs of relief, put your pencil down and carefully follow all of the Post-Test Directions which we've prepared to make life more difficult yet for you.
Be sure to go over this helpful checklist to assure that your test is properly graded and not merely discarded like the worthless rubbish it is.
If you're sure you're finished, please hand your paper in a respectful manner to the Head Test Administrator. You will then be brought alone into a windowless side room before a panel of spare Test Administrators, and will be required to answer for any unsuitable test behavior which the Administrators may ascribe to you. You may then be sent into quarantine for a period not exceeding two weeks to rehabilitate and reorient you for the outside world again. (This will be done for your benefit.) Hopefully you will soon be a happy and productive member of society again before you know it.
Your test will be graded and posted in a prominent position in the town square some time between 6 weeks and 27 years after submission, unless it is deemed unsubmissable, in which case you never really submitted it in the first place, but only thought you did, so it was really a nontest and may as well never have happened.
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