Archive of Archaic Advertisements

And if you think that was an exaggeration, well, you obviously haven't read these ads.

Before there was strong federal regulation of products sold for medicinal purposes, companies could make just about any claims about their wares without fear of punishment. They weren't required to disclose the actual ingredients, and they weren't required to provide any studies carried out by an impartial third party showing that their potions actually did anything like what they claimed.

Besides the flim-flam artists, there are some actually legitimate health and medical products advertised here. I'll leave it to you to sort out which are which - after all, that's what an actual consumer at the turn of the century had to put up with (in about tenfold) whenever they were looking for anything effective for anything at their druggist's.

• Swaim's Panacea, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "Fifty Years the Standard Remedy for Scrofula".

• Bethesda Spring Water, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "Acknowledged by the most eminent Physicians to be the ONLY CURE for Bright's Disease, Diabetes, Dropsy, Gravel, Stone, Indigestion, Constipation, Disease of the Liver and Urinary Organs."

• Campo's Infallible Specific, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "For Rheumatism, Epilepsy, St. Vitus's Dance, Paralysis, Gout... and every disease affecting the nervous system."

• Cuticura Remedies, New York World (New York, NY) 15 August 1888

  "SCRATCHED 28 YEARS. A SCALY, ITCHING, SKIN DISEASE WITH ENDLESS SUFFERING CURED BY CUTICURA REMEDIES.... every species of Itching, Burning, Scaly Pimply Humours of the Skin and Scalp and Blood, with Loss of Hair, are positively cured by CUTICURA.... FREE! FREE FROM PAIN!... The first and only pain killing Plaster."

• Dr. Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery, Chicago Tribune, 5 September 1891

  "Two doctors of an Eastern town, / To learning much inclined, / Were called to see a gentleman, / Whose health was undermined. / .... / These wise men argued loud and long, / Yet the patient owes recovery / (Not to these doctors, but to - / Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery)."

• Pond's Extract, Chicago Tribune, 5 September 1891

  "REFUSE SUBSTITUTES probably worthless Accept POND'S EXTRACT only."

• Kirk's Shandon Bells Toilet Soap, Chicago Tribune, 5 September 1891

  "NO OTHER Leaves a Delicate and Lasting Odor After Usage."

• Santa Claus Soap, Chicago Tribune, 5 September 1891

  "Don't let your dealer give you some other kind, if he hasn't Santa Claus, but insist on having only SANTA CLAUS SOAP."

• Cuticura Remedies, Chicago Tribune, 5 September 1891

  "BAD SKIN ERUPTION"! More Cuticura crap. Making advertisements that look like newspaper articles is not only a recent practice!

• Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup, The Morning Herald (Baltimore, MD), 3 October 1894

  Hey, let's sedate our infants to keep them from crying! Just so you know, it also "relieves wind, regulates the bowels, and is the best known remedy for diarrhoea".

• International Serum Toxin Co., Pittsburg Dispatch, 20 September 1903

  "BLOOD POISON. In the XXth Century men and women stricken WITH THIS AWFUL DISEASE Are being cured by the International Serum Toxin Co. ...CURED - AND FOREVER."

• Dr. M. B. McLaughlin, Pittsburg Dispatch, 23 September 1903

  "Do you feel yourself growing feeble and old too soon? I can guarantee you a cure if you use DR. MCLAUGHLIN'S ELECTRIC BELT." Our mascot here at the Archive of Archaic Advertisements - how could he not be? He has an Electric Belt that will give you a new lease on life!

• Otterbourg Electro-Medical Institute, Pittsburg Dispatch, 23 September 1903

  "The Otterbourg System of Electro-Medical Treatment Never Fails to Cure Scrotal Varicocele, Specific Blood Poison, Urethral Obstructions and All Complications and Associate Diseases and Weaknesses of Men."

• Dr. Williams, Brill and Whittier, Pittsburg Dispatch, 23 September 1903

  Here are three independent physicians ads that appeared together in a column on the sports page of this paper. Each of them proports to cure "diseases of men" (cough, cough.) These were actually the most common kinds of advertisements appearing on the sports pages in many large cities in the first couple decades of the 20th century.

• International Serum Toxin Co., Pittsburg Dispatch, 27 September 1903

  "The Sieber Serum treatment is the only human agency through which contagious blood poison can ever be cured."

• Old Dr. Grey, New York World, 15 October 1906.

  "THESE ARE POSITIVE FACTS. Old Dr. Grey IS the Oldest Specialist in DISEASES OF MEN... PRIVATE DISEASES quickly cured."

  Which is awfully strange, because there's also....

• Old Dr. Grindle, New York World, 15 October 1906.

  ...this venerable old fellow. I don't know when being "old" counted as a qualification to be a medical authority, but I guess nineteen-aught-six sounds about right. This fellow, advertising on the same page as Old Dr. Grey, also lays claim to being the "OLDEST" practitioner around. In any case, "Dr. Grindle has made diseases of men his life work, and has been located over 25 years at his present office.... He cures ordinary private diseases in very quick time."

• Dr. Finley and Dr. Weeks, New York World, 15 October 1906.

  Competition in the field of Doctors of Diseases of Men was pretty tough. Here we see poor Dr. Finley get underbid by Dr. Weeks, but never fear! After all those syphilitic turn-of-the-century men didn't get cured by Dr. Weeks' snake-oil, I'm sure Dr. Finley got plenty of the rebound business!

• Dr. Andrew Egan, New York World, 15 October 1906.

  Did you think I was kidding when I said this was a tough business? This one offers you a "SURE, QUICK and PERMANENT CURE", but it'll cost you an entire dix. For those of you not paying attention, that's two Dr. Weekses and one-and-a-quarter Dr. Finleys.

• Big G, New York World, 15 October 1906.

  If you were wondering whether only men got all of the fun, well, of course not! Here is an advertisement for a drug for both "MEN AND WOMEN". "Use Big G for unnatural discharges, inflammations, irritations or ulcerations of mucous membranes.... Prevents contagion." Please note also the text advert under this for yet another fellow treating "ALL PRIVATE and blood diseases of men".

• Sanford's Ginger, Boston Post, 24 September 1908

  "For cramps, pains, colds, chills, and a hundred everyday ills, Sanford's Ginger is priceless. Besides it's always healthful."

• Sanford's Ginger, Boston Post, 3 October 1908

  "Ginger taken on retiring centre the blood at the stomach, promote digestion, warm the extremeties and prepare the system for sound, refreshing sleep. Besides it's always healthful. Avoid substitutes."

• Drs. R & R (Rest and Relaxation?), Milwaukee Daily News, 9 October 1909

  Yes, yet more specialists in Diseases of Men. They're equal-opportunity, too (meaning they'll fleece the wealthy and the poor:) "We will give the poorest man a chance, as well as the rich, to receive a cure from us at a small cost. THERE IS NO MAN TOO POOR TO GET OUR BEST OPINION AND SERVICES." Hurry up! Your wee-wee's burning, isn't it? Hand over the money!

• Dr. Emmons, Milwaukee Daily News, 9 October 1909

  "I am the one RELIABLE Specialist you should LOOK FOR. I, as your friend, say the more shame for you to let WEAK LUNGS, CATARRH, HAY FEVER, ASTHMA, HEART and many other ills that beset your body, get a GRIP ON YOU. Come now, DON'T MOPE around. ROUSE UP and come to one that knows. I CURE OTHERS and why not you. Consultation free. Write or call." Hey, at least he's not advertising as a Doctor of Diseases of Men - although I don't think you'd really want "your friend" treating your "Private Diseases" anyway.

• The Keeley Institute, Milwaukee Daily News, 9 October 1909

  "FOR THE CURE OF LIQUOR, DRUG AND TOBACCO HABITS AND NEURASTHENIA. NO SICKNESS - NO CONFINEMENT. EVERY PHYSICAL AND MENTAL FACULTY STRENGTHENED. NO OTHER INSTITUTE IN WISCONSIN USES DR. LESLIE E. KEELEY'S REMEDIES."

• Hunyadi Janos, New-York Daily Tribune, 10 April 1910

  "For CONSTIPATION Try Hunyadi Janos NATURAL APERIENT WATER. Avoid Unscrupulous Druggists".

• Dr. E. A. Crawford, Florida Times-Union (Jacksonville, FL), 17 October 1912

  "I want every man in Florida to know that I CURE MEN. I give all of my time to this special work-- the treatment of PRIVATE DISEASES." I swear, every word of that came right from the advertisement. And the price for this special treatment: $25. Times must be tougher for the noble Doctors of Diseases of Men.

• Dr. E. A. Crawford, Florida Times-Union (Jacksonville, FL), 17 October 1912

  Dr. Crawford again, continuing his quest to get every man in Florida to know that HE CURES MEN. His magical method is formula "914", which is apparently an improved version of "606". (Why would anyone improve on a method that no doubt CURED MEN quickly, permanently, and completely? Discuss.) "I give my whole time to curing Syphilis and Private Diseases. Those who need expert attention may consult me without charge." Aww, what a sugar-plum. I would also like to point out that this ad came from the same paper as the previous one, only a few pages further in. Truly, a more dedicated Doctor of Diseases of Men there has never been, and I daresay there will never be.

• The Neal Institute, Boston Traveler and Evening Herald, 11 October 1913

  If you've had too many wine lunches - if you've imbibed too much Pfaff's Lager or Sterling Ale or Pommery Champagne - you'd best be heading to the Neal Institute to kick that "DRINK HABIT"! "No hyperdermics used."

• Dr. Hallock's Elvita Pills, Lewiston Evening Journal, 7 October 1914

  "EL-VI-TA PILLS have been, are now and always will be the paragon of remedies for Nervous Weakness, Nervous Exhaustion, Nervous Debility, Kidney and Bladder Complaints, and all kindred afflictions arising from indiscretions, overwork or excesses." Yes, patent medicine quacks were still around in 1914. They just made the various afflictions and complaints their goods supposedly cured more and more vague.

• Good Tidings Food and Canning Co., Boston Post, 13 October 1914.

  This is an early vegetarian advertisement. "All beef contains uric acid and is 72% waste. Our nut foods contain more than double the nutritive value of beef steak." While I was at university (late 90's) in Washington state, there was a big vegan brouhaha nearby, and they distributed brochures, titled "Why You Should Be A Vegan" or something like that, all over campus. Inside this brochure there were all sorts of "facts" quoted, most of which were transparent malarkey, and the rest taken from dubious sources. I mean, this was some amazing stuff - it made such ludicrous statements as "Vegans live on average 20 years longer than the average meat-eater" and "Tell all of your friends about the benefits of Veganism, and throw out any meat or dairy products stored in shared refrigerators or pantries - they will appreciate it in the end." Among all of this cockamamie tripe, there was a statement about beef being tainted with uric acid, and being "about three-quarters matter that human digestion cannot derive nutrition from, which is simply expelled from the body." When I later saw essentially the same statements in a 1914 newspaper (reprinted here), I somehow wasn't surprised at all. Not one bit.

  I love veggies, and I support those who decide to subsist on a veggie-only (or lacto-ovo-veggie) diet, but for the love of everything holy, don't ever crib your material on nutrition from ninety year old-plus sources ever again. Please.

• The Neal Institute, Boston Post, 19 August 1915

  Another advert from that good ol' Neal Institute. "In three days the Neal Treatment takes away all desire for liquor by driving alcoholic poison out of the system. No hyperdermics used." Swing on by to be free of all alcoholic urgings (and yes, there's a guy just next door who'll cure your syphilis, too, while you're here.)

• John H. Comer, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "I Shall Continue to deliver to families FRESH AND PURE MILK".

• Pommery Champagne, Pittsburg Dispatch, 23 September 1903

  "It is all-essential that wine for the sick should be of the very best. For that reason Pommery is the champagne selected."

• Pittsburgh Brewing Co., Pittsburg Dispatch, 23 September 1903

  "Gloomy Autumn drawing nearer; / Gloom for you? No, make it cheer; / Every Autumn day grows drearer; / Sunshine comes with this pure beer."

• Pfaff's Lager ads, Boston Post, 24 September-18 October 1911: first, second, third, fourth, fifth

  Ads that not only push beer, but tell you the weather forecast, too. Now if that isn't a bang-up American innovation!

• Frank Jones Ale, Boston Post, 24 September 1908

  "Only yourself to blame if you get poor ale, because Frank Jones Ale costs only a nickel and is on sale everywhere".

• Hotel Trafalgar, Boston Post, 3 October 1908

  "Absolutely Fireproof - WHERE AUTOMOBILISTS DELIGHT TO DINE".

• Sterling Ale, Boston Post, 9 October 1908

  "No hands touch it. No germ can reach it. From tun to cask no taint can come to this good brew."

• Holland Wine Company, Boston Post, 17 October 1911

  "QUICK LUNCH for BUSY MEN - A bite of cheese, a sweet pickle, a tasty cracker with a glass of IMPORTED SHAMROCK STOUT - All for 5 cents".

• Cafe Dreyfus' Restaurant, Boston Post, 18 October 1911

  Ad with menu. 40 cents brought a pretty good lunch in 1911... then again, health codes weren't what they are now, of course.

• Old Crow Rye, Baltimore News, 21 April 1914

  "America's Finest Rye WHISKEY".

• Stanzalone Coffee, Boston Post, 13 October 1914

  "In These Days We Are Glad To Be Able to Make a Reduction in Price - Stanzalone Coffee REDUCED 2 cents per pound". I do love coffee. I just wanted to interject that here.

• Ayer's Hair Vigor, National Chronicle (New York, NY) 11 June 1870

  "Instead of fouling the hair with a pasty sediment, it will keep it clean and vigorous."

• Hagan's Magnolia Balm, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "Its gentle but powerful influence mantles the faded cheek with YOUTHFUL BLOOM AND BEAUTY."

• Chevalier's, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "LIFE FOR THE HAIR."

• Traphagen Hunter & Co., Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "Goods marked in plain figures. One Price To All."

• Smith's Pattern Bazaar, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  Featuring an adjustable dress. "BEST AND CHEAPEST MAGAZINE IN THE WORLD!!!!"

• The Rowe Truss Company, Daily Graphic (New York, NY) 5 May 1873

  "THROW AWAY YOUR TEMPERED SPRING TRUSSES, AND BUY ONE OF ROWE'S RUPTURE CURE Appliances!!"

• Dr. John H. Woodbury, New York World (New York, NY) 15 August 1888

  "Inventor of Facial Appliances, Springs, &c. Six Parlors: Three for Ladies."

• S. Baum Company, Cleveland Plain Dealer, 10 October 1910

  "YOUR interest in aeroplanes is probably a good deal like ours; let somebody else do the experimental work."

• Otto & Kub, Tailors, Cleveland Plain Dealer, 10 October 1910

  "YOU know that when you have been introduced to men 'over-dressed' or poorly clad that you felt yourself prejudiced - unconsciously perhaps - against them."

• J&S Shoes, Florida Times-Union (Jacksonville, FL), 17 October 1912

  (Ed Sullivan appears forth from the aether)
  "We got a really big shoe for you tonight - a really big shoe."
  (Ed Sullivan disappears into the night)

• The Quality Shop, Baltimore News, 21 April 1914

  "Adding details to bring up the value and cutting down profit to keep down the price makes possible the wonderful 'COLLAR-HUG' SUITS WE SELL AT $20".

• Truly Warmer, Boston Post, 17 July 1914

  "Straws 1/2 Price". Dunno off the top of my head whether this meant that straw hats were going out of fashion at this point, or simply making way for a new year's models. Please check out the dandy model this foppish gentleman is sporting. It just couldn't be any spiffier. The bow especially is quite fetching, is it not?

• Hart Schaffner & Marx, Boston Post, 1 October 1915

  "The most stylish top-coat for the Fall season. YOUNG MEN especially - and all others - will like this coat; it has lots of swing." Yowza.

• The Paris Cloak & Suit House, Los Angeles Morning Tribune, 10 October 1916

  "The Paris Girl, Bless Her, Has Fresh News of Fashions - Here It Is:" ...Oh, goody. I've been waiting for Fresh News of Fashions. "The law of the silhouette is: If the skirt is draped the bodice must be close-fitting." This, by the way, is only a special case of Newton's laws of gravitation. Tell me something I don't know, you stupid Paris Girl.

• Guyver Hats, Boston Herald, 28 September 1917

  "GUYVER HATS satisfy every hat requirement - quality, style, and durability. They are comfortable to wear and retain their neat and dressy appearance."

• Gillette Safety Razor Company, Boston Herald, 28 September 1917

  Wartime advert for Gillette razors, touting their "U.S. Service Set".