**** you too, God.

Lorizael · November 16, 2003, 01:47

So I'm basically in love with my bestfriend. Recently I've had very powerful impulses to hold her and kiss her. Thankfully I'm a smart man. I know that for one, I have no idea if she would want that, and two, she's ****ed in the head when it comes to physical intimacy, so wouldn't be comfortable with it even if she did want it.

Instead I decided to have a conversation with her. One of the things that makes our friendship so good is that we communicate perfectly. We never hide anything from each other, always share everything, and there are never really awkward moments; there's no tension between us, ever.

We had a long and open dialogue that lasted the majority of the day and ranged far and wide. Of course, there being no tension, this incredibly serious conversation was still interspersed with the random bits of childish laughter that fill all of our converaations. I winded my way towards sensitive subjects, often going off on tangents before I got to the actual topic, and every time she knew well before I made my point what my point was, because that's just how we work.

What it all boils down to is that a part of her is attracted to me. A part of her wants the same things that I do, wants to kiss me, wants to be more intimate with me. A few days ago she dreamt that I had kissed her and it seemed so natural within the dream. Another part of her, a larger part, wonders just why the hell we're not together. Both of us acknowledge that we've never had a better relationship with any other person in our entire lives. She almost views us being romantically involved as simply the next step in our relationship, as a natural, logical progression of who we are. It just seems so right, she said.

And then there's another part of her. And this is the largest part of her. This is the part that is currently controlling her actions. This is the part that recognizes that all but one of her previous romantic relationships have ended catastrophically and traumatically. She is absolutely mortified of having a romantic relationship. The last one, which was rather short, ended very badly, and put her over the edge, as she said. She made someone literally hate her, and she wasn't even trying to. She was trying to make things good. ****ed it up in the process.

It's going to take her a long time to sort out and deal with all the issues that have pretty much ruined her love life. She doesn't know if she'll ever be over these things.

So she doesn't want to have anything to do with romance.

She doesn't want anything romantic with me.

And I shouldn't hold my breath, because she may never be okay with these things. I'm not just waiting for her to be healthy again.

Both of us know that there is something so good and wonderful here, and that it's just within our grasp.

But we can't have it.

Yah, **** you too, God.

MichaeltheGreat · November 16, 2003, 01:50

It ain't God, dude, it's her issues and if/how she chooses/chooses not to deal with them. And if she allows/you choose or choose not to participate in that, or wait and see what she does.

Lorizael · November 16, 2003, 01:58

I know it's not God's fault, but it' easy to blame the dude, especially when I don't think he's there. It just makes me upset that this thing is here, but that it can't be because the past is trying to bring itself into the present. In the end it is technically her fault because she can't deal with her experiences, but she can't be blamed for the past. The past is a ****. Oh, and sorry for all the cursing, I'm just not in a great mood. Thank you autocensor.

Lancer · November 16, 2003, 01:59

You're screwed in so many ways...

Biology has you by the balls and you WILL follow, the girl in question sounds like she's saying no nicely to save the friendship, and if you really want God to **** off, He will. After that, nothing works until you make up with Him.

Good luck

Lorizael · November 16, 2003, 02:03

She is not saying no nicely. I know that. We don't lie to each other. We don't deceive each other. We are always honest.

Nubclear · November 16, 2003, 02:21

Dump her.

Imran Siddiqui · November 16, 2003, 02:22

Who, God?

MichaeltheGreat · November 16, 2003, 02:33

Quote:

Originally posted by Lorizael
I know it's not God's fault, but it' easy to blame the dude, especially when I don't think he's there. It just makes me upset that this thing is here, but that it can't be because the past is trying to bring itself into the present. In the end it is technically her fault because she can't deal with her experiences, but she can't be blamed for the past. The past is a ****. Oh, and sorry for all the cursing, I'm just not in a great mood. Thank you autocensor.

No problem about the cursing. I'd be in a ****ing bad mood too.

Blame is useless, anyway, but the thing is, she has a choice to make about how she wants to live the rest of her life - nobody can change the past, but you can change how you deal with it and whether you carry it into the future.

Boris Godunov · November 16, 2003, 02:34

Quote:

Originally posted by Lorizael
I know it's not God's fault, but it' easy to blame the dude, especially when I don't think he's there.

Ok, I'm sure this makes sense to someone...

Urban Ranger · November 16, 2003, 02:43

Quote:

Originally posted by Lorizael
It's going to take her a long time to sort out and deal with all the issues that have pretty much ruined her love life. She doesn't know if she'll ever be over these things.

So she doesn't want to have anything to do with romance.

She doesn't want anything romantic with me.

The only way to find out is for her to go through it again. The only way to overcome a fear is to face it straight on.

Dis · November 16, 2003, 03:35

god hates us all...

Urban Ranger · November 16, 2003, 03:38

Doesn't He?

Drake Tungsten · November 16, 2003, 03:49

Quote:

It ain't God, dude, it's her issues and if/how she chooses/chooses not to deal with them.

MtG's use of the word "dude" has made my day...

Bugs ****ing Bunny · November 16, 2003, 05:45

She sounds like an emotional black hole to me. Unless you fancy becoming a cuddle *****, go out with someone less blitzkrieged.

DanielXY · November 16, 2003, 06:24

You are obviously not happy with just a friendship ... change it!

2 options:

a) go for it -> she likes -> perfect
b) go for it -> she dont likes -> move on

Space05us · November 16, 2003, 06:45

think of her as a sister, seriously man, my last girlfriend was the best friend I have ever had in my life and when we broke up it shattered our friendship. We're still friends and we're still trying to get to the point where we were before we went out, but its going to be a long time before that happens.

I know you're probably thinking about how everyone tells you a romantic relationship will ruin a friendship and how you think it will be different for you, but it won't be. Not unless you stay together for the rest of your life. In which case I dont know how it would turn out.

I dont know if what all of I just said makes sense because Im thinking and typing as I go along but to make it short; Stay friends, don't go out with her you will end up regretting it and missing the friendship you had.

Bosh · November 16, 2003, 06:55

Sounds like someone needs to read up a bit on Ladder Theory

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Space05us · November 16, 2003, 07:09

boshko is this going to tell me how people sleep with thier sisters?

Bosh · November 16, 2003, 07:12

I hope not.

Bugs ****ing Bunny · November 16, 2003, 07:20

Good site- but I can see a lot of people convincing themselves that they are "intellectual whores" when they're really just plain unappealing.

Whaleboy · November 16, 2003, 07:37

Dont fall in love with your best friend. I been there once, it ain't pretty.

DanielXY · November 16, 2003, 07:41

Rule of thumb:

If you want to **** her but she doesnt want to **** you - its not friendship...

TCO · November 16, 2003, 07:41

You are obviously not happy with just a friendship ... change it!

2 options:

a) go for it -> she likes -> perfect
b) go for it -> she dont likes -> move on

Whaleboy · November 16, 2003, 07:42

On a more helpful note, it sounds like she needs time now that this is in the air. Don't set your expectations too high, still be in friends mode, if that makes sense. When it's the right time (it sounds like a case of heart vs head, when one is not in a relationship, heart wins, when you're already in a relationship, brain will always win over heart), then you'll know.

The difficulty is that as her best friend you have to accept and recognise actions by both heart and head, which obviously sucks for you because it is heart that leads to something favourable. She needs time to get over her previous relationships, I'm talking months/years here. Otherwise, the battle between brain and heart will continue, and like I said, once in a relationship if that battle continues, the heart is doomed.

TCO · November 16, 2003, 07:46

(wow I'm free. I thought it would be permanent, this time.)

If you sleep with her and breakup, the freindship will not be the same. But that is not the end of the world. I think one of the things holding you guys together IS the implicit tension/promise of making the relationship romantic. So get it over with already.

Just get her (or you if needed) drunk...and just go for it.

TCO · November 16, 2003, 07:47

Quote:

Originally posted by Whaleboy
On a more helpful note, it sounds like she needs time now that this is in the air. Don't set your expectations too high, still be in friends mode, if that makes sense. When it's the right time (it sounds like a case of heart vs head, when one is not in a relationship, heart wins, when you're already in a relationship, brain will always win over heart), then you'll know.

The difficulty is that as her best friend you have to accept and recognise actions by both heart and head, which obviously sucks for you because it is heart that leads to something favourable. She needs time to get over her previous relationships, I'm talking months/years here. Otherwise, the battle between brain and heart will continue, and like I said, once in a relationship if that battle continues, the heart is doomed.

Oh BS. Be a man. Nothing like some good loving to help her get over the old bf. I you hang around too much waiting and crap like that, she will take you for granted.

TCO · November 16, 2003, 07:48

BTW, when I saw this thread, I just thought I HAVE to be free for thread like this. It was calling to me seductively...

TCO · November 16, 2003, 07:49

Quote:

Originally posted by DanielXY
Rule of thumb:

If you want to **** her but she doesnt want to **** you - its not friendship...

Exactly...it's called sniffing after the *****.

TCO · November 16, 2003, 07:53

Quote:

Originally posted by Urban Ranger

The only way to find out is for her to go through it again. The only way to overcome a fear is to face it straight on.

BTW, did you ever get your "friend" straightened out?

Oh...and sorta on topic. I had a date with this little Taiwanese hottie who did her MBA over here. She was gorgeous!!! Almost as pretty as a Thai girl.

Whaleboy · November 16, 2003, 07:55

Quote:

Oh BS. Be a man. Nothing like some good loving to help her get over the old bf. I you hang around too much waiting and crap like that, she will take you for granted.

Exactly how many times have you been in that situation?