2003 Darwin Awards

[Joseph]

Yes, it's the one we've all been waiting for ... the Darwin Award 2003. The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition again this year has been keen.



DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.



DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.



RUNNER UP....

TACOMA, WA

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say, " said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night." "There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.



AND THE WINNER....

PADERBORN, GERMANY

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. 'with no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that "$hit happens."

Don't laugh to hard, some of these people are now dead.

[David Floyd]

[Skanky Burns]

That bungee-jumping one had me shuddering. Yuck.
How can people be that stupid?

[Oerdin]

Ahhh, death by pacaderm crap. While I do agree it is a bad way to go I'm not sure that fellow deserves a Darwin. Normally, the winner is a truly stupid git who has no redeeming value and who was just doing something totally stupid. I can't really say this man falls into that catagory.

[Lefty Scaevola]

I am not going to believe that elephant crap until I see a certified transcipt of the coroner's hearing.

[self biased]

i agree, lefty.

[Dis]

laughing at the death of others is not a good thing to do

you people should be ashamed of yourself.

now that I said that.

[Imran Siddiqui]

[Berzerker]

"All I can say, " said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night."

I'd say God was watching out for the foot lest it get stuck up the owner's behind.

[Q Classic]

some of these are repeats from years before, and i'm willing to bet some are urban myths.

[uh Clem]

The Tacoma story dates back to at least 1995.

One site that has the story cached also has this not necessarily Darwinian tale which I submit solely for your edification:

BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

Uh-huh...right...

[Shi Huangdi]

Congradulations Europe! Is Europe's first victory in a Darwin Awards contest?

[Gangerolf]

It says here it's a fake http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.htm

anyway

[Dr Strangelove]

The snopes article about elephants not likely to submit to an enema is wrong I think. I don't know about enemas, but zoo veternarians routinely obtain semen from male elephants using a procedure that requires the vet to insert his hand and arm, up to the elbow, into the animal's rectum and then massage its prostate. The animals seem to put up with this procedure, so I don't see why they would have a problem with being given an enema.

[loinburger]

BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.

This is the point where I stopped reading.

[Q Classic]

Ahhh, death by pacaderm crap.

pachyderm.

Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

so is this how we got anne, formerly christopher, coulter?

[uh Clem]

[chequita guevara]

loinburger sighting! +1

[Lung]

Wow! Some of those were new!

Now if they were only true as well...

Yes, as has been said, well pretty funny, I had read at least half those a few years ago, and some I've seen debunked as urban myths.
Get your facts right

[Straybow]

The cadet stabbing dates back to Dec '96 according to this Google cache page of the first genuine news article that showed up in the search.

Can't vouch for authenticity of the other stories, but they, too, date from '97 or earlier. They appear on this ancient page You! Out of the gene pool!

[DaShi]

De mortuis nil nisi bonum.

[aaglo]

The elephant poo thingy isn't a darwin-worthy accident. It has very little to do with stupidity of the victim.