Insults and Put Downs. Know Any Good Ones?

[Peter Triggs]

OK, this is well known but it's my favourite:

Nancy Witcher Langhorne Astor, Viscountess Astor, b.1879, first woman Member of Parliament (elected 1919, served until 1945) and wife of Waldorf Astor. She was an American, born in Greenwood, Virginia. Although a Conservative, like Churchill after 1924, she clashed often with him over Dominion Status for India and British relations with Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia. She was a strong backer of the appeasement policies of Prime Ministers Baldwin and Chamberlain. ...

"Winston, if I were married to you I'd put poison in your coffee"

...."Nancy, if I were married to you I'd drink it."

[rah]

yeah, that's one of my favorites. Is that one really true or is it just an urban legend?

[Peter Triggs]

Apparently it's true. It's from

http://www.winstonchurchill.org/i4a/...cfm?pageid=435

I cut out a few bits to make it punchier.

edit: Evidently, she could hold her own though:

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

[Q Classic]

i like this subtle dig:

i cannot praise this person too highly.

[Uncle Sparky]

While Astor and Churchill may have done the "poison coffee" routine, the joke is a very old one with many variations.

I think the nastiest thing you could call someone now is "President Bush".

[st_swithin]

Bumper stickers are actual reality message boards.

You're so broke you can't even pay attention.

If I had to take you seriously, I wouldn't be so amused.

That man is so uptight, when he farts, only dogs can hear it.

[MattyBoy]

The Churchill quote I couldn't find I remember as:

Her: "Winston, you're drunk!"
Winston: "Well, you're ugly and in the morning I'll be sober."

[MattyBoy]

When you were born they tried to keep the placenta by mistake.

[st_swithin]

That reminds me of another bumper sticker:
I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet!

[Alexander's Horse]

sorry, don't know any putdowns.

[Dauphin]

I've seen more brains on a butcher's apron.

[Tuberski]

Groucho Marx:

"You have the brain of a five year old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."

"I'm thinking of joining a club and beating you over the head with it."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did. "

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

Henny Youngman:

"She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate."

"I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. "

ACK!

[Giant_Squid]

"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."

"You look like the kind of person who would be enormously improved by death"

"Have you ever gotten in touch with those biologists looking for the link between animals and mankind?"

"You know, there comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. I suggest you put off this moment as long as possible."

"Never hesitate to laugh at yourself; after all, everyone else already does"

"I can't tell you how glad I am to see you - because I'm not."

"Don’t feel bad. Without people like you, no one else could be above average."

But my favorite thing to call someone is still “a misspawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of some unimaginable hell.”

[Urban Ranger]

Try to think of something that cannot be bounced by a simple "same to you."

So far, only rah has it, which is "You are fired."

[Dauphin]

I am considerably richer than you.

[Thoth]

"You are a convincing argument in favour of abortion"

"Please don't breed"

"I'm sorry, I seem to have seriously overestimated your competence."

"There seems to be a great deal of cranio-rectal convergence going on around here."

[Tuberski]

"You should donate your body to science fiction."

ACK!

[Peter Triggs]

I have, more than once, observed of my younger son's girlfriends:

If tits were brains, she'd have something to be proud of.

[Aramis]

Republican!

[Adam Smith]

Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
"You were adopted, you stinking **** ****!"

My daughters and other adoptees would fail to see the humor in that.

[Alexander's Horse]

Yeah Laz you bastard.

[MrFun]

Slowwhand -- just stick with your favorite one-word insult;

jackass.

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by Firelad
suchij potrach pedoras suka blat pashol nakhuj suka pezdarozhaja

I wonder if this gets me banned.

[Theben]

You're so stupid, when we were in the car and I said 'pop the hood', you started shootin' at the neighbors.

You're so poor, I saw your daddy crawl inside a cardboard box and shout, "Honey, I'm home!"

[Edan]

From Doctor Who:

"You're a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the brain and the size of the mouth."

[Tingkai]

Ya know, you're the type that always remains cool, calm and collected in the middle of an emergency, but only because you're oblvious to reality.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

The greatest came in an exchange between Jane Harlow and Margot Asquith.

JH- "M.A.R.G.O.T. That's a funny name. How do you say it?"

MA- "The "t" is silent. As in "Harlow"."

[orange]

Originally posted by Pekka
Your father pissed in your mother while making you.

This is one of the funniest insults I have ever heard. I love you Pekka!!

[laurentius]

My all time favourite is from the movie happiness

"You're ****, I'm champaigne"

[Paul Hanson]

"Your momma's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone directory!"

"Your momma's so fat, the Spanish tried to claim her as the New World!"

And so on...