I Need Jokes!! - Page 3

lord of the mark · December 17, 2003, 16:39

General Patton sends out his aide, Corporal Levine, to reconnoiter a German position.

Yessir General! I'll go look around, I have no fear.

He returns.
Gen Patton: what did you see?
Corporal Levine: They have a thousand tanks, but thats nothing general, we can beat them with infantry, in fact I volunteer to lead the charge!
Gen. Patton: very good, go out and take another look
Again Levine returns
Gen Patton: well?
Corporal Levine: they have 500 artillery pieces, but we need not fear, a sudden flank attack with our armor will destroy them, I want to be part of that.
Gen Patton: very good, go take another look

Levine returns white as a ghost, trembling
Gen Patton: well, what did you see
Corporal Levine:er, uh, general, they have , a ...a
a REALLY BIG DOG!

Boris Godunov · December 17, 2003, 16:44

Quote:

Originally posted by CorpusScorpius
A guy walks into a bar & orders 12 Margaritas
bartender "what are you celebrating"
Guy "First ever B J"
Bartender "well lets make it a bakers dozen"
Guy "If the first 12 dont kill the taste , I doubt one more will help"

Hmmm, looks like someone had been eating asparagus...

st_swithin · December 17, 2003, 17:29

Smells like someone's eaten asparagus before...

rah · December 17, 2003, 17:38

Always one of my favorites

Bomb squad pranks

Japher · December 17, 2003, 17:50

This T-Shirt cracks me up.

rah · December 17, 2003, 17:54

actually that's the one i was looking for in my archive but couldn't find it so I settled for the other one.

st_swithin · December 17, 2003, 17:56

I'm laughing and at the same time thinking 'guys have a really sick sense of humor.'

Q Classic · December 17, 2003, 17:59

of course. hear any good dead baby jokes lately?

rah · December 17, 2003, 18:01

>Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument:
>
>1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
>
>2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
>
>3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
>
>4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
>
>5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
>
>6. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
>
>7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
>
>8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** flakes this morning!
>
>9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
>
>10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

st_swithin · December 17, 2003, 18:02

yeah - what do you call a dead baby in a hot bath?
Stew.

Japher · December 17, 2003, 18:04

Quote:

6. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
>
>7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.

I've done both of those

, and yes, you should never do that.

rah · December 17, 2003, 18:11

Yes, it's score tied, 1:30 to go, your team has the ball and is marching down the field.......................and there is absolutely nothing that is THAT IMPORTANT that it must be discussed right then. Unless it's about the bogus holding penalty.

rah · December 17, 2003, 18:17

Six presidents are on a sinking ship.

Ford says, "What do we do???"

George Bush says, "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"

Carter says, "Women first!"

Nixon says, "Screw the women!"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

Q Classic · December 17, 2003, 18:20

st_swithin

i hadn't heard that one before.

what's blue and orange and sinks to the bottom of a pool?
baby with slashed floaties.

what's red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
floaties with slashed baby.

Japher · December 17, 2003, 18:30

not dead baby jokes

---

A couple was teaching their young daughter to say her prayers each night like a good christian should. The first night the over heard her say, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and say hi to Grandpa for me."

The next day the parents get a call that Grandpa had died in his sleep that night! Concerned the parents listen in to their daughter saying her prayers the next night.

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and say hi to Grandma for me."

The next day they learn that Grandma had indeed died, from heartache. Very troubled about their daughters ability to see into the future they listen once again:

"God bless Mommy, and say hi to Daddy for me."

Very concerned the father stays up all night pacing, in the morning he refuses to go to work. At around noon there is a knock on the door, it's the mailman "Hi, I'm Bob your new mailman, I regret to tell you that Henry mysteriously died last night."

st_swithin · December 17, 2003, 18:32

Quote:

Originally posted by Q Cubed
what's red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
floaties with slashed baby.

Toss that slashed baby in the ocean and you can call him Chum.

Toss the dead baby in the toilet and call him Ralph on the porcelain phone.

Make the dead baby into a chia pet and call him Harry.

Ecthy · December 17, 2003, 18:42

I hate dead baby jokes. not funny.

and what is dgat?

Zero · December 17, 2003, 19:13

Q: how long is a chinese name?

A: yes

Japher · December 17, 2003, 19:15

That took me a while

Pekka · December 17, 2003, 19:33

dgat is dog and cat mixed up. It's funny, right?

Japher · December 17, 2003, 19:34

Just as funny as Turd Fergasun

Pekka · December 17, 2003, 19:34

Zero,

good one

Agathon · December 17, 2003, 19:41

Q. What's worse than swinging a baby around on a clothesline?

A. Stopping it with a spade.

---------------

Two men, Nigel and Roger, were sitting in boat fishing.

Nigel: Hey Rog, do you like a woman with a face like a bulldog's ass?

Roger: No mate, not at all.

Nigel: Well then, do you like a woman with saggy boobs down to her ankles?

Roger: No, no way mate.

Nigel: What about a woman with a backside like a broken tractor?

Roger: Ugh! No way man, I can't stand women like that.

Nigel: Why the hell are you messing around with my wife then, you bastard!

Ecthy · December 17, 2003, 19:45

Let me just say your sense of humour is a little ****ed up.

Pekka · December 17, 2003, 19:47

Who? Mine?
I let you in on a secret. That joke was supposed to be stupid beyond any belief

. Ja, I'm so busy dRiving the Autobahn I von't undeRstand this Zooks!

Just kidding man, don't get upset

I do this Arnold impression, not very good one, but anyway I like doing it.

Agathon · December 17, 2003, 19:48

An Irishman was feeling a bit down and went to a psychiatrist.

After the session was over, the Irishman said, "Say Doc, what's all this IQ business about?"

Said the doctor, "It's a measure of how intelligent you are."

"So", said the Irishman, "what would I be like if I had an IQ of 160?"

"You'd be a genius, able to do amazing things."

"Wow, what if I had an IQ of 100?"

"Well", said the doctor, "you'd be of average intelligence. That's normal."

"OK, what about if I had an IQ of 75?", asked the Irishman.

"You'd be pretty dumb. In fact you'd find it hard to do simple mathematical calculations."

"Alright", said the Irishman, "what about if I had an IQ of 40?"

"Well, you'd be really dumb. In fact you'd be so stupid that you couldn't even tie your own shoelaces."

"Hmmm", said the Irishman, "Hey, I get it. That's why so many Australians wear flip-flops."

Agathon · December 17, 2003, 19:50

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?

A. Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

---------------

Q. How can you tell when a Liverpudlian girl has an orgasm?

A. She drops her chips.

Boris Godunov · December 17, 2003, 21:38

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols!"

Boris Godunov · December 17, 2003, 21:40

An elderly lady went to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas cards. She said to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk said, "What denomination?"

The woman said, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist."

Boris Godunov · December 17, 2003, 21:45

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She then leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything," she answers, alluringly

His voice softens. "Anything?"

"Anything," comes her breathy, sultry response.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"