I Need Jokes!!

[ajbera]

A prospector comes down from the mountain after fruitlessly panning for gold and walks into the only bar in the rinky-dink town and says “Gimme a whiskey.”

The barkeep pours him a drink and asks “Any luck?”

“No,” says the prospector, “and it’s mighty cold and lonely up there.” The prospector leans in close to the barkeep and asks “You wouldn’t happen to have any whores in town, would ya?”

“Naw,” says the barkeep, “no whores. But we got Old Joe. He services the whole town. He’s fat and hairy, and stinks a bit, but he has holes in all the right places.”

“Oh God,” says the prospector, recoiling in disgust, “no way! I don’t go for that sh!t!” The prospector pays for his drink and heads back into the mountains, still reeling from the repulsive image.

One month later the prospector returns for supplies and steps into the bar, shouting “Gimme a whiskey!”

The barkeep pours him a drink and asks “Any luck?”

“No,” says the prospector. “It’s still cold and lonely, and last week I had an erotic dream about my mule. Any chance a whore decided to set up shop while I’ve been away?”

“Naw,” says the barkeep, “no whores yet. But we still got Old Joe. He’s fat enough to have titties, if that helps.”

“Bleh,” says the prospector, “that’s horrible! And I told you before, I don’t go for that sh!t!” The prospector pays for his drink and heads back into the mountains, trying to rid his brain of the image of Old Joe’s man-boobs.

One month later the prospector rides into town and walks in the bar, grinning and yelling “By God, gimme a whiskey!”

The barkeep pours him a drink and asks “Any luck?”

“Hell yes!” says the prospector. “Found me a nugget big as a goodly-sized booger, and I’m in a celebratin’ mood!” He leaned in close to the barkeep. “Please, pretty please, tell me you went and hired a whore.”

“Well,” says the barkeep, “we did get a whore last week, but she got herself et by a grizzly, so we’re back to Old Joe. However, there’s good news - his last tooth finally rotted outta his mouth, so you don’t have to worry ‘bout teeth-marks no more.”

“Ugh,” says the prospector, shuddering. “But dammit, I gotta celebrate, and I’m tired of chokin’ my chicken (besides, my hands are really chapped).” He leans in even closer to the barkeep. “If I was to have a poke at Old Joe, who would know about it?”

“Let’s see,” says the barkeep. “There’s you, of course, there’s me, there’s Old Joe, and there are the other two guys.”

“The other two guys?” asks the prospector.

“The other two guys holding Old Joe down. He don’t go for that sh!t either.”

[Q Classic]

four nuns were on a bus which crashed. they died and went to heaven.

peter met them at the pearly gates, and said that if they wanted to get in, they would have to confess to any carnal sins they had partaken in, wash that part in holy water, and then they would be allowed into heaven.

the first nun blushes, and then confesses that she once saw a penis. she washes her eyes in the holy water, and is allowed in.

the second nun blushes and giggles, and admits that once, when she was a young teen, she'd touched a boy's penis. she washes her hands, and is allowed in.

as the third nun starts to confess, the fourth nun bursts in and says:

hey, can i drink that before she goes and sits in it?

[Space05us]

There's this guy who lives in Ohio. One day, he hears this voice in his head, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Once again he ignores the voice. Now he hears the voice every minute of the day, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He gets tired of it, so he does what the voice tells him. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and goes to Las Vegas.
He steps off the plane. The voice says "Go to Ceasar's Palace" He goes to Ceasar's Palace. The voice says "Make your way to the roulette table." He makes his way to the roulette table. The voice says "Put all your money on 'Red 23'. He puts all his money on 'Red 23'. The dealer spins the wheel, it comes up 'Black 17'. The voice says "****!"

[Skanky Burns]

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Xmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt oligated to buy.

I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 yrs old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar note in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran off.

[gopher]

What's black and blue and dosen't like sex?


The 5 year old in my basement

[ajbera]

A child molester and his victim-to-be are walking into the deep, dark woods.

Kid: Mister, mister, it's really scary here!

Molester: You think you're scared? I have to walk out alone!

[Paddy]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do? "
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave! - They all agreed, that was ****ing brilliant

[Paddy]

Bank Robber
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

[Paddy]

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain,which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"


OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"


NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

THE LAWN!

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass." After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn

[Brundlefly]

Originally posted by ajbera
A child molester and his victim-to-be are walking into the deep, dark woods.

Kid: Mister, mister, it's really scary here!

Molester: You think you're scared? I have to walk out alone!

Uh, yeah. Jokes about child molestation are just too funny... Please no more - I'm laughing too hard...