Humour

Asmodean · December 3, 2003, 19:31

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how the USA is referred to, and I'm
thinking that it should be a Kingdom". To which the Queen replies, "I'm
sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and
you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a
Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality
you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush". Bush thought
long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen,
getting a little T'ed off by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be
an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country"

Also...how about this:

Asmodean · December 3, 2003, 19:32

This one made me laugh too:

"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians
(INDUCTING A GAY BISHOP) are an affront to Christians everywhere.
I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII,
and his wife Catherine of Aragon,
and his wife Anne Boleyn,
and his wife Jane Seymour,
and his wife Anne of Cleves,
and his wife Katherine Howard,
and his wife Catherine Parr
are no longer here to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian
marriages. "

As did this:

Bereta_Eder · December 3, 2003, 19:32

@ the pic

Asmodean · December 3, 2003, 19:35

How about this:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my
business ... "

" ... Now give me back my dog."

Or this:

Pekka · December 3, 2003, 19:37

at the last picture

Asmodean · December 3, 2003, 19:37

Am looking to sell a digital camera. I no longer need it, as I am in
the hospital. Attached is the last photo I took so you can see the
picture quality

Asmodean · December 3, 2003, 19:40

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My

elbow hurts terribly.? I guess I had better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just

give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to

do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.... heck of a lot

cheaper than a doctor!" So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and

took it to the drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer
lit

up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel

and waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,

stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped
some

oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited

ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.

The computer printed out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. Your Volvo needs rings.

6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Or this one:

Asmodean · December 3, 2003, 19:42

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fraecknig amzanig huh?

Last pic:

Verto · December 3, 2003, 19:42

This isn't humor!

True humor involves the French, and how cowardly they are!

Asmodean · December 3, 2003, 19:47

NIGHTMARE #1:
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the
top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired
nervously. No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl
replied, "That's me before the operation."

NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of
a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep
in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded
to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently
squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with
ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom
to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She
said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna
see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine
if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so
much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you
can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy
voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do
it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for
God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Asmodean

Verto · December 3, 2003, 19:49

Those bring back memories...

Whaleboy · December 3, 2003, 20:05

Theres two gay men having sex in their apartment. The "active" guy finishes and withdraws, and says to his partner:

"I'm going out to get a Chinese, I'll be back in 15 minutes, while I'm gone, no masturbating."

So he goes out and 15 minutes later he comes back with a Chinese. Opens the door and finds the entire apartment covered in semen. Everything, the walls, floor, furniture, ceiling, its like something out of a dutch Christmas card. After looking around in disgust, the guy that just got back says:

"I thought I told you no masturbating?"

The other guy says:

"I didn't, I farted".

Verto · December 3, 2003, 20:08

orange · December 3, 2003, 20:15

to the last one!!!

General Ludd · December 3, 2003, 20:17

You made the texan sick.

Whoha · December 3, 2003, 20:22

Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
but a steady left tail light. This means

(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
to call the problem to the driver's attention.
(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
(d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
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Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(8) Pedestrians are

(a) irrelevant.
(b) communists.
(c) a nuisance.
(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%

Pittsburgh driver's test
10: Potholes are
a) extremely dangerous.
b) patriotic.
c) the fault of the previous administration.
d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is b.
Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
you have nothing to worry about.
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Pittsburgh driver's test
2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
a) stop immediately.
b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
c) blow the horn.
d) floor it.
The correct answer is d.
If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
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Pittsburgh driver's test
3: When stopped at an intersection you should
a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
c) blow the horn.
d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
The correct answer is d.
You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
street turns yellow.
Answer c is worth a half point.
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Pittsburgh driver's test
4: Exhaust gas is
a) beneficial.
b) not harmful.
c) toxic.
d) a punk band.
The correct answer is b.
The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
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Pittsburgh driver's test
5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
How often should you test it?
a) once a year.
b) once a month.
c) once a day.
d) once an hour.
The correct answer is d.
You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
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Pittsburgh driver's test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
but a steady left tail light.
a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
d) The driver is from out of town.
The correct answer is d.
Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
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Pittsburgh driver's test
8: Pedestrians are
a) irrelevant.
b) communists.
c) a nuisance.
d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
completely.
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Pittsburgh driver's test
9: Roads are salted in order to
a) kill grass.
b) melt snow.
c) help the economy.
d) prevent potholes.
The correct answer is c.
Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
steel industries.

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The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (_ H/_ E)^4 = 50, where _ E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives _ H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
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A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
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