A M.A.S.T. policy document

vulture · December 4, 2003, 11:23

In the name of Mohammed Al-Sahaf, the wise and benevolent, the following public announcement is made. M.A.S.T. has in recent days undertaken, completed, checked and rechecked a fully comprehensive analysis of the ongoing strategic and tactical environmental situation in which we all, as co-inhabitors of this world, find ourselves positioned. Although much of the report is classified, and as such is unavailable to be released to the news-hungry dogs of other nations, there is some degree of an information divulging opportunity at hand. It has been determined that one of the most vital activities of any nation aspiring to local or global geopolitical significance relates to the collection, control and dissemintaion of certain chlorophyll based laterally outgrowing arboreal protrusions, "leaves" being the colloquial nomeclature for such naturally occuring artifacts. This metastrategical assessment has necessitated the formation and implementation of certain M.A.S.T. internatio-relational doctrines.

As per recent self-revelatory communications from those occupants of the lesser simian branch of our commonly held genetic heritage, Team Monkey would appear to believe themselves to tbe the sole, unique and eternal owners of certain arboreal assemblages. It is the considered view of M.A.S.T. that all sources of leaves should be regarded as residing purely in the public domain as a shared resource accessible to all nations. The stated position of Team Monkey, as regards the various Pinophytae, Magnoliophytae and presumably even Ginkgophytae of the world is most clearly incompatible with our evaluation of the strategic importance of such organisms. A regrettably direct consequence of this lamentable attitude is that of necessitating the declination of the geno- and phenotypic viability of our cousins, to a degree as far below their current viability as their current viability is above zero.

The Monty Python Team have, in publically accessible and archivable fora, alluded to the existence of a certain class of citizen within their nation which, according to such evidence as is available, could be regarded as having an unfortunate disposition towards such activities as wearing checked shirts and utilising heavy, metal bladed tools with the aim of rendering many arboreal instanciations in a more horizontal and terminal attitude than that to which they are accustomed. Quite aside from the long and medium term detrimental effects to the requirements of other nations resulting from this reckless choice of non-essential activity, such alterations in the states of the organisms in question clearly removes them from the state and role to which they were clearly intended by nature, and as such Team Monty Python have chosen a stance contrapositioning that of moral decency, nature, and possibly of divine intent itself, should such an intent both exist and chose to manifest itself in a slef-consistent way, a matter on which we proffer no solid opinion at this time. Therefore it is necessary for Team Monty Python to undergo a viability variation of equivalent (if not identical) magnitude, direction and duration to that necessitated upon Team Monkey.

Team Tabemono would probably eat every tree and leaf on the planet. Kill them.

We are pleased to observe that Sunshine have a tolerably positive understanding of the role of arboreal organisms, even if it is one not shared in detail by the good members of M.A.S.T. It remains to be determined whether their position on the subject of arboreal ownership is sufficiently eusocial as to be acceptable within the framework of commonly held and administered forests and woods. However, unavoidably pressing questions remain about the precise nature of relations that exists between the 'tree huggers' and the cellulose enhanced objects of their dubious affections. Concerns have been raised about the inequality of the subject-object relationship which may be to the detriment of the objects which remain in a position of being both conceptually unable to protest their unfair treatment, and structurally unable to respond in a significant way on a timescale short enough to produce meaningful benefits to the 'hugees'. It would seem to be advisable, then, that Sunshine should share precisely the same opportunities for life enhancement that have previously been deemed suitable for Team Monkey, Team Monty Python and Team Tabemono.

The position Team Latin Lover may be considered more briefly by analogy with Team Sunshine. By repute, Latin Lover share much of the unnatural side of the tree-favouring nature of Sunshine, although in the case of Latin Lover the unwelcomed amorous intentions of a significant military power are not confined to subjects of the kingdom Plantae, but are spread munificently throught the non-mineral realms and possibly beyond. This clearly indicates an even greater disregard for the objects of amative intent than that exhibited by Sunshine, but without the palliative effects entrained by consideration of the self-delusional but positive policy stance towards arboreal organisms declared by Sunshine. Team Latin Lover therefore join all previously mentioned teams in their anticipation of future prospects.

Cake or Death? have not to date made any pronouncements on the pressing issue that is the subject of this document *** communique, and their publically admitted team characteristics do not provide sufficient information for us to make a determination of their stance in this regard. It is therefore the position of this author that no action be taken respecting Cake or Death? beyond overt and covert attempts to determine their arboreal policy until such time as a determination is made, at which point future actions will be determined by the nature of the determination derived from such information as has been obtained.

Thank you for your attention.

Arrian · December 4, 2003, 11:27

vulture · December 4, 2003, 11:27

Amazing - I've been auto-censored. That word in the CoD paragraph is c u m, in case anyone was wondering (and probably should be hyphenated on either side, but what the hell).

ZargonX · December 4, 2003, 11:36

Quote:

Team Tabemono would probably eat every tree and leaf on the planet.

*ahem* For clarification's sake, I must point out that we do not eat every tree and leaf. Some of that wood is used to make cookware, and leaves make excellent napkins, in a pinch.

Hot_Enamel · December 4, 2003, 18:19

Luckily, I still had my dictionary out from reading Aeson posts from last night

The Slayer · December 4, 2003, 19:10

rendelnep · December 4, 2003, 20:38

I wish to point out that the Forest Unforest Civilisation Komeraderie (F.U.C.K.) does not believe in leveling every last tree on the planet. Especially considering it has taken our 1000 lumberjacks an estimated 75 years to clear a single forest tile.
I wish to point out that we don't utilise heavy, metal bladed tools but light aquatic chordates commonly known as herring to render many arboreal instanciations in a more horizontal and terminal attitude than that to which they are accustomed as you descirbed. This method of cutting down trees has resulted in a unforseen change in the diet of the non anthropoid inhabitants of the forests and we now have to deal with a horrible plague of flesh eating rabbits severly limiting our ablity to level the forest.

Cort Haus · December 4, 2003, 23:20

Aren't there two g's in "huggees"?

Darekill · December 5, 2003, 02:25

Recently heard in the woods close to "Castle Anthrax".

Huh?
Oh...
chop, chop, chop...
Another Hering please ah and can you thighten up my dress?
chop, chop,
They have absolutely no idea how hard it is to cut a single tree with herings and wearing a dress and high heels...
No idea!
chop, chop, chop....
Always taunting us, the hard working veterans of the lumberjack guild.
chop, chop...
another Hering!
I think I'll join the F.U.C.K.
chop.........

bongo · December 5, 2003, 04:32

It have to be noted that the full report is currently on display in MaSTs private forum. It is of course classified material, anyone wanting to read it will have to join MaST first. Membership €100, only

PS, the actual report is 7 threads long and the sole reason for Poly's instability lately.

rendelnep · December 5, 2003, 08:55

isn't it huggies?

vulture · December 5, 2003, 09:27

There may well be two g's in "huggees", but there is clearly only one in "hugees". "Huggees" does have the advantage however of being more correct. "Huggies" is way out there, and obviously is a noun meaning "more than one small hug (c.f. "Huglets")".

We would encourage F.U.C.K. to continue in their pisco-arboreal endeavours, since by means of such a course of action they will be able to do less damage to the world's forests before they are viability adjusted. Other nations are encouraged not to trade iron, technology or common sense with these pariahs.

M.A.S.T. is also considering a more proactively pro-lagomorphic stance than heretofore, in response to information divulged above.

Togas · December 5, 2003, 19:43

Team Sunshine would just like to acknowledge that we love trees, just not in that way.

-- Togas

Octavian X · December 6, 2003, 03:39

Team Monty Python thinks that all of you should just rot with the trees we just cut down.

rendelnep · December 7, 2003, 01:28

Just ignore him he's mad, utterly insane, cuckoo cachuchu, off his block and belongs on the happy field of happyland....
We don't ALL think that jusdt the vast um er major-it-y.....
Ahem,... Ignore that too.

Beta · December 9, 2003, 20:28

Team monkey, without thumbs, finally gets to 'b' in the dictionary. There - 'benevolent".

"manifesting a desire to do good; kind"

Sorry, but it may take us a while to digest this document. Fruit and bugs go down a lot easier.

(Vulture -

- a wonderful piece of work. Very impressive.)

rendelnep · December 10, 2003, 05:29

Quote:

Sorry, but it may take us a while to digest this document. Fruit and bugs go down a lot easier.

Also frontal labotomies don't help either

Beta · December 10, 2003, 23:22

Quote:

Originally posted by rendelnep

Also frontal labotomies don't help either

True!!!