Izzardians announce Space Program

Cort Haus · December 9, 2003, 11:11

A light drizzle drifted in waves through the grey, lumpy skies and settled damply on the expectant throng. That was normal, for this time of year.

The public address system whined with feedback as the announcer stood up, tapped the microphone, and shook some rain from his notes. He glanced at the assembled multitudes momentarily before clearing his throat. The crowd hushed and strained forward.

"People of Izzardia,

I will get straight to the point. For this year's state-of-the-nation address we, the Cake or Death? party - rulers of Izzardia, are proud to announce not only to our fine nation but to the world beyond ... (gestures at world beyond) ... that we have already made a start on our space ladder with which we will reach the stars and win the game! (crowd cheers) We have a dossier (waves dossier) from our intelligence community which proves, beyond any reasonable doubt, that the other nations on this planet will not even be commencing their space programs for thousands of years to come. Rumours that the Pythonians have already discovered Space Flight from a hut or that MAST started the game with six tanks are seditious nonsense that will not be tolerated! (crowd cheers wildly).

Far above the announcer, the sheets of fine rain caressed the towers, turrets and pinnacles of the Palace of Izzardia, from where it made its way through the intricate network of exterior plumbing, and on into the tributaries which fed the mighty Snake River. In one tower, a figure stood by a window looking down at the proceedings. Behind him his three cabinet colleagues sat at an oak table. He turned and walked towards them, spreading his hands.

"It can't be true", began Frustrated Poet, "has this been fully checked".

Mountain Sage nodded. "The boys in the lab have been over and over it. All the physics checks out on every test. We're in the wrong game."

FP took the report that Arrian handed him and sat down to read.

As he flipped through the pages Arrian summarised ; "The Space Ladder is in CTP 1. This is a Civ 3 world we're living in. We can build the nicest space Ladder we like, but we won't win the game with it."

FP sighed and looked at each of his colleagues. "So what can we do?".

"Well", began Cort Haus, "we'll just have to wing it. We're only in ancient era, so there's a good chance that everyone will have forgotten about it by the time the space race comes round."

"Anyway", continued Arrian, "just listen to those cheering crowds. This project has rallied the nation behind us."

"And", added Mountain Sage, "we can always switch it to something else later once we have the tech researched to build it."

FP thought about this and walked back to the window. The rain had stopped and the sun had begun to peek out from behind the clouds.

"That'll do", he finally announced. "How's the flag coming along, by the way?"

Arrian · December 9, 2003, 13:58

I TOLD you guys. But did you listen? Of course not. Now we've got a guy in a tracksuit up a 50-ft. ladder in Swindon, and he's asking for more ladder. Madness!

-Arrian

Beta · December 9, 2003, 20:11

Five monkeys watching the spectacle from the tree tops look at each other, slowly shake their heads, and start the long journey home.

Octavian X · December 10, 2003, 00:23

Bah, what a sad attempt at a coverup. Pythonian intelligence has a true transcipt of the events the transpird.

FrustratedPoet: Halt! Hallo!

Pythonian Guard: Hello! Who is it?

FrustratedPoet: It is FrustratedPoet, and these are my Knights of Izzardia. Whose castle is this?

Pythonian Guard: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

FrustratedPoet: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the game creators. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest to build a Space Ladder.

Pythonian Guard: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

FrustratedPoet: What?

Arrian: He says they've already got one!

FrustratedPoet: Are you sure he's got one?

Pythonian Guard: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
Pythonian Guards: [chuckling]

FrustratedPoet: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

Pythonian Guard: Of course not! You are Izzardian types!

FrustratedPoet: Well, what are you, then?

Pythonian Guard: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?!

Arrian: What are you doing in Izzardia?

Pythonian Guard: Mind your own business!

rendelnep · December 10, 2003, 05:20

Glad nobody knows about the gazebo.....

Cort Haus · December 10, 2003, 06:44

Meanwhile, further back ...

Cort : "Hmm, looks like will have to build the wooden rabbit then."

Mountain Sage : "We can't, the monkey's are watching, as usual. Eating their smug damn kiwi fruits and spitting the pips at us - as usual."

Cort : "OK, we'll call those Tabejin guys and see if we can get them a job in Python's kitchen. We can't storm the enemy, but I've heard that nut's & bolts pie plays havoc with french digestion. We'll catch them with their pants down!"

Darekill · December 10, 2003, 06:57

Pants? What are you talking about?
Like every proud member of F.U.C.K. I wear a dress....

FrustratedPoet · February 3, 2004, 21:08

I've only just seen this thread.

Cort Haus · February 3, 2004, 21:40

Hey, good bump FP! There's a slice of Cake waiting for you in our forum!