Crazed Greek Caperings

[Metaliturtle]

Ok guys, I don't know how this will turn out, but I'm home on winter break and bored to tears so I'm gonna lay another piece on y'all.

(This isn't really gonna be too serious, and it's not for the contest or anything)

"Alexander, my liege, the troops are ready for inspection."

"Thank you Pierre, I shall be out momentarily."

Alexander enjoyed this modern age where he was able to lock his bedroom door and speak through intercom. It was less embarassing for both himself and his frequent female "guests."

After donning his most militaristic kingly attire, he began the swagger of a man who had successfully united 3 continents, and although his subjects were composed of Greeks, French, Americans, and Aztecs, these peoples had all but forgotten their early roots, and revered Alexander as they once had revered their own leaders.

With much pomp, and some circumstance, Alexander began to walk through the lines of troops.

First he inspected the Aztec unit. He remembered the war with this people in the lush jungles just south of traditional Greece. These men were fed with a lust for sacrifice, thus, they treated their prisoners very humanely until of course sunrise, where they were ritualisticly bled to death in the name of the sun god. He had a very vivid image of his finest warrior, Civman, being dragged up the steps of the pyramid, and then staring in horror as his life-essence trickled down the stone stairway.

Next came the Americans. These soldiers were very boisterous and fun-loving. One platoon was playing a Metallica classic, Seek and Destroy... it was the sniper division, Alexander liked that. Other rock and roll songs were being played by other platoons, this music was definitely catchy, and even though Alexander did not like big butts, he still sang along saying that he liked big butts, and he could not lie, even though some other brothers could deny. His aides quickly ushered him away reminding him that the press was watching.

"I wanted to shake my groove thang"

"Sir, there will be time for that when the cameras aren't rolling."

"Ah, good call Pierre."

"Next up sir are ze Fraunch"

"Pierre you don't need that stupid accent when it's the French's turn"

"But miseur, zees are my peepo"

"Fair enough, just don't talk then"

The French were the most recently conqured of all the Greek protectorate states, and so many still maintained the language to a small degree. Alexander appreciated the French in recent skirmishes because when they went without food, they could turn even a snail into a delicacy. He made sure that every platoon had a French cook, but wasn't really sure of how willing these men would be to stand their ground in a battle.

Finally he was to the Front, and his favorite Greek warriors. The tradition of pairing a young man with an elder warrior had continuted for nearly a millenium now. The Hopelitic tradition was a powerful one to be sure and only the most proven soldiers were given the honor of a mentor. The ranks were arranged differently, the paired men were shoulder to shoulder, making the Greek lines look doubly thick from afar. The traditional spears, shields, and breastplates had been replaced by fatigues, but the emblem of a spear and shield still sat on the buttons and shoulder patches of these favored warriors.

Alexander climbed to his podium to deliver his address,

"Peepols of ze Greez!..."

The soldiers broke out in laughter

"PIERRE!!! When taking dictation you shouldn't put an accent on it!"

"I'm zoreee zir"

Alexander tore up the prepared speech and decided to wing it instead, figuring he had his joke to open with.

"Men! Some of you have tasted battle before! Some many times! Our new opponents are different though! They all look like Greeks! our opponents are the backstabbing Romans!!! Those of you who caught the VD from the orgy invitational last month know exactly why we're at war. The rest of you, we are going to rid that nation of Caesar's rule, and thereby gain the women and the wine for our own!"

Cheers erupted from the men, and the American boom boxes were all switched to Girls Girls Girls by Motley Crue.

Under his breath, Alexander whispered, "They're ready"

--------

Caesar was sitting in his bath house with his handmaidens. He decided that Roman women were the best looking in the world and proceeded to eat some more grapes. Lucrative trade with the Greeks had brought them many luxuries, even though their Grecian neighbors were much larger than his Roman state, Rome had exclusive control of Wine and Oil, making them a very influencial nation, not only with Greece, but with the Indians, Iroquois, and Chinese as well. He figured that if any one of those nations became hostile, the others would help him defend his precious goods.

---------

The Roman border town of Antium was startled from it's midnight slumber by the roar of afterburners followed by explosions and gunfire.

The Roads to the oilfield had been cut and the unmistakable sound of American-Greek music blared from that direction. Greek artillery began shelling the barracks and anti aircraft outposts as soon as resistance began. The Romans were not expecting anything from the Greeks, so they were totally unmatched, this was exactly what the Greek forces had desired.

Soon they had taken Antium, and with it, a constant supply of oil, as well as countless beautiful women. The Greek army was in high spirits as they camped there for the night.

--------

Gandhi was not pleased. The romans got two spices for every one wine! "That Caesar just thinks that because he has all the wine that he runs the world from his pathetic nation. And since I was anti-war back in the 60's they think that I can be bullied! Generals! Launch an attack on Veii at once! We shall see how powerful the mighty Caesar really is....

((well, more if I get around to it, tell me what you think))

[Paddy]

That is great, just what I needed to read between calls from my oh so happy clients and coworkers...

some seem to have issues of being back at work after the New Year break...

My mind quite happily cranked up the Mettalica when I read about the American troop review...

then I started to all sorts of ideas.... AHH lucky I get to go to the pub soon....

Bring it on,,,, more of this, I like your style and wit...

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Its good to see you back writing, hope to see some more.

Good stuff so far, very funny

Where have you been for so long ?

[Metaliturtle]

well, I've physically been in Stevens Point Wisconsin, I go to the University there now. YAY POINTERS... anywho, the ratio of ladies to men is almost 2-1 which means I've been busy... umm I won't go there. Anyways, don't expect any like wondorous masterpiece or something from me, the way the computer I'm on is, I'll be lucky if I can get this little blurb posted, I've tried now to put the next part of the story up for the 5th time. So, in conclusion, AOL is evil.... and GO PACKERS

[Paddy]

Right, glad you are having fun.

Looking forward to more of this, soon....

Hopefully number 6 is a good number for you.

[Metaliturtle]

grrr I gotta learn to paste my stuff in wordpad before clicking submit!!!!

[Paddy]

I do't understand

why don't you just copy ot into the 'Post Quick Reply' and press submit reply

Then at least it has been posted and you can do any edit's there after.

Not meaning to pester you too much, just looking forward to more of your writing

[Metaliturtle]

It's probably gonna have to wait until after this weekend, the Night shift always messes me up

[Metaliturtle]

Rat atatat
Ratatatatatat
Ratatatatatatatatatatat!!!

"Haha! We Zulu hunters will never go hungry again! I bet with these devices we could take out some elephants, those Indians think they're so smart... riding them everywhere... well, let's see what they do when we start blasting them all ghetto stizzyle."

A cheer erupted from the Zulu hunting party as they prepared to follow Shaka from their viliage armed with their new Grecian automatic rifles.

--------

India's military was camping for the night, Gandhi wanted the Romans to know who was attacking them at Veii, so he would attack just before dawn.

"Man, back in the day, this would be an awesome time to toke up."

Gandhi's wife got on his case saying, "Is that all you still think about? You certainly wouldn't be dictator of India if you still got high."

"Yeah, but we'd probably have another kid if you still did"

"I hope you're pummeled in eternity by on of our many armed Gods"

"Frigid beeeeyotch"

Gandhi suddenly felt the need to adopt more Roman customs... like the orgy.

---------

Antium was alive with the crazy Ghettoblasters of the Americans. They had mixed Rock and Roll with the Aztecs tribal drumbeats, and it was sounding so good that even the mostly reserved French soldiers were blasting it.

Alexander was pleased that his army had found cohesion.

He was on his way to speak with his advisors about the best course of action now that Greece was able to produce tanks under her own accord, and they no longer had to conserve oil.

"I don't like the tanks, it's hard to leave survivors for sacrifice!" Aahuatipl, head of the Aztec force was not pleased.

"I dont releee care eizer way zir."

"Pierre! You don't have an accent!!!"

"Sir, my American force will gladly drive those tanks for ya, we want to bring all those sons of beeeyotches down HooooRAH!"
Good ol' Max Power, he was a little gungho, but his fighting spirit was enviable.

Well, any opposition to the Americans taking on the Tank Corps?

Max power raised his hand and spoke, "You better let me squish a guy while playing 'Ride of the Valkyries'"

With that, the meeting was brought to a close with a consensus that Veii would be a prime target for the next attack.

------

The Zulu hunting party snuck up on the Indian elephants about two hours before dawn.

Ratatatatatatatatatatatatat

All the elephants were slain in a hail of bullets, but the Zulu weren't really sure how 5 guys would carry one whole elephant back, so they cut a couple legs off of one and booked it out of there just as the alarm sounded.

------

"Caesar, news from the border, there was a ton of gunfire from outside of Veii!"

"Oh, that must be a diversion for the Greek attack on Rome! Send some of Veii's guard here, and go fetch me some new handmaidens!"

"Right away sir"

------

"POWER!! Turn that damn song off and stop squishing the French soldiers!"

"Sorry Alexander."

------

The characters now turn against the Author. Alexander was the first to voice his complaints.

"Metaliturtle, how come Caesar gets like waaaay more women than I do all of a sudden? I thought we had an agreement!"

"Oh come on, you're a creepy old man, you're lucky you ever got any women at all, why don't you just win the war with skill and strategy?"

"Because you're not that great of a writer."

"NEXT!!"

Shaka came forward.

"WTF dude... 5 freakin' GUYS?!!! Zulu warriors and hunters always have like 2 and a half times that many guys!"

"Yeah, but I think it's funny to picture you guys stealing elephant legs"

"Well it wasn't, Steve got the elephant version of athlete's foot on his neck."

"Oh stop whining and put some Tinactin on it or something."

"John Madden does the Tinactin commercials right?"

"Yeah"

"Well, that guy looks a lot like an elephant, so I'll take you up on that.

Next it was Caesar's turn.

"Dude, great story, you rock! Now back to the ladies!!"

Max Power had a thing or two to say.

"Ride of the Valkyries??? You SO stole that from Apocolypse Now."

"You mean you don't like the song or squishing people?"

"No, I like them both, I just fellt like b*tching and or moaning at you"

"fair enough"

-------
So to sum up so I don't have to continuously reread the story.
The Greeks are preparing to March on Veii in a few days from their newly established stronghold in Antium.
The French are sitting around cooking and smoking cigarettes through long thin black cigarette holders.
The Romans have pulled troops off of their front line for the defense of Rome.
Gandhi used to be a pot head.
The zulu killed all of the Indian Elephants for about 200 pounds of meat.
Max Power likes to squish things with tanks.

------
That's all for today, maybe next time Veii will be fought in... or over.... or under.... or beside.... we'll have to see, 8 days til I'm back at College, 11 days till classes resume.

[Metaliturtle]

ummm bump

[Paddy]

hahahaha love the Elephant leg

Thanks

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Good stuff `its good to have some of your stuff here again

[Metaliturtle]

((umm I just got my wisdom teeth pulled so this may not make sense))


"Alexander! Rome is stockpiling troops from other cities into Rome.
We don't really know why, I guess they don't fear an attack from India or China."

"Well, then we should attack Veii"

"yes Sir!"

------

"Hey Steve! How's that Tinactin working out for you?"

"The elephant athletes foot went away like, boom! Any of us know how to play football?"

"NO, now stop saying BOOM!"

((ok, I'ma stop just for a sec and say that if Tinactin and or John Madden sue me, this is done entirely in jest. I am using my first amendment right to say what I want about them))

The Zulus were feasting big time, they never realized how tasty meat was. They were more accostomed to foraging and maybe catching the occaisional rabbit or rat, this elephant meat was a very welcome addition to be sure.

Huts were erected, and soon the Zulu had a villiage there, just outside of Veii.

-------
"Lord Gandhi, Messenger from the Zulu Nation."

"Send him in"

"Sir, we have noticed that you have taking quite a liking to our illustrius city of Ulundi, please withdraw your armies from Zulu Territory at once."

"Oh what's this sh*t we just walked through there yesterday and there weren't a bunch of Zulus there, certainly no "illustrius city."

"If you do not withdraw we will be forced to use force.. and violence."

"I will not withdraw"

The Zulu emmisary reached behind his ceremonial black and white shield, to reveal a sub machine gun.

"Withdraw this stonerboy!"

Ratatatatatat

One small burst of gunfire and Gandhi breathed no more.

------
It's short but I'm home all day tomorrow so I'll probably get you all more

[Paddy]

Ratatatatatat. hahahahahaha love it.

Sitting here atr work enjoy your story, my colleagues are not sure what to do with me when I started going Ratatatatatat...

Thanks again, bring it on