January 16, 2004, 18:14
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#1
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King
Local Time: 16:16
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Location: Hidden within an infantile Ikea fortress
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Best ways to scare the **** out of your daughter's waiting date(s)
Hopefully if you're successful it will stay at singular rather than plural for quite a while, no??? So - what tips have you crazy old men to give to the up and coming parents of this Jesus Christ's third millenium? So far I vividly remember the below even from 5 years ago:
1 - Shake his hand not too tightly, but strong enough to border uncomfortable. This will have him wondering whether you're simply a sort of friendly eccentric - or planning to dose 6 gallons of kerosene and a lit match upon his timid sitting in your favorite archiebunker chair.
2 - Smile warmly and sincerely, until he does so in return. Then hold the smile at an akward length and throw in a few erratic twitches of the left eye.
3 - If it's simply a girl "friend" and she's dressed up to frequent the local rave with your young Vanessa - grab her neck hanging pacifier and firmly manhandle it like a misbehaved clitoris. This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on a skanky warehouse floor.
4 - Your collection of records is a good way to break the ice - kids these days do know who the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, or even Ziggy Stardust (were). After which - Your collection of .50 calibre softhead bullets and "School of the Americas" themed Desert Eagle silencers, is the logical progression.
5 - The word "testicle" can never be used too often in conjunction with "axe", "crushed", "tribal stew" or "bunny muffin".
Additions? I might send this out as a "FORWARD 2 UR 8 BEST FREENDS IN MALAYSIA PROPER FOR GOOD LUCK AND BONZAI KITTEN" mass e-mail with your names accompanying the contributions!
Last edited by Zylka; January 16, 2004 at 18:26.
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January 16, 2004, 18:38
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#2
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OTF Moderator
Local Time: 10:16
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greet them sitting on your favorite chair in your underwear
with a shotgun haning over the fireplace
jon Miller
__________________
Jon Miller-
I AM.CANADIAN
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January 16, 2004, 18:53
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#3
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King
Local Time: 18:16
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Location: Hooked on a feeling
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My wife keep saying I will spray the poor guy with paintball rounds while asking him to leave my girl alone.
__________________
So get your Naomi Klein books and move it or I'll seriously bash your faces in - Supercitizen to stupid students
Lord know, I've made some judgement errors as a mod here. The fact that most of you are still allowed to post here is proof of that. - Rah
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January 16, 2004, 18:59
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#4
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Emperor
Local Time: 16:16
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Location: Mu Mu Land
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Shake his hand and tell him:
a) "When she grows up shes going to look just like her mum." (have an ugly wife)
b) "Can you teacher that kissing with the tongue thing, she ain't to good at that." 
c) "That's a tough grip you have there spunky, are you left handed?"
d) "I thought lezbians could get so butch."
e) "Don't worry, we got her the special shampoo."
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January 16, 2004, 19:00
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#5
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Emperor
Local Time: 17:16
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Location: a raving alcoholic drama queen with a penchant for the biosciences
Posts: 3,646
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As per usual, the best way to unnerve people is brought to us by Skippy.
Simply follow everything you say with the phrase "as according to the prophecy."
__________________
Exult in your existence, because that very process has blundered unwittingly on its own negation. Only a small, local negation, to be sure: only one species, and only a minority of that species; but there lies hope. [...] Stand tall, Bipedal Ape. The shark may outswim you, the cheetah outrun you, the swift outfly you, the capuchin outclimb you, the elephant outpower you, the redwood outlast you. But you have the biggest gifts of all: the gift of understanding the ruthlessly cruel process that gave us all existence [and the] gift of revulsion against its implications.
-Richard Dawkins
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January 16, 2004, 19:03
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#6
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Emperor
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That is so true, "as according to the prophecy."
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January 16, 2004, 19:10
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#7
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Warlord
Local Time: 16:16
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sodomize them w/ a hunting knife
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January 16, 2004, 19:21
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#8
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Prince
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Location: UT, Austin - The live music capital of the world
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January 16, 2004, 19:23
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#9
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Prince
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from experience i can say i never had this problem with girls' parents. See, i was that type of boy that the parents loved (because of my well-mannered innocence, i guess) and so tried to fix me up with their daughters but the daughters hated me because i was so ugly. like steve urkel, but the parents liked me and im white
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January 16, 2004, 23:18
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#10
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King
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Pack, yes, pack, the entry hallway with Jesus stuff. To scary extremes.
Hand him a fist full of Jack Chick tracts.
Say, "We're all Christian here, what about you?"
__________________
With such viral bias, you're opinion is thus rendered useless. -Shrapnel12, on my "bias" against the SS.
And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worth while, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: "I served in the United States Navy!"
"Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I ****ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective." --Barack Obama
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January 16, 2004, 23:19
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#11
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Emperor
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Location: Fort LOLderdale, FL Communist Party of Apolyton
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__________________
Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...
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January 16, 2004, 23:35
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#12
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King
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Location: Ca. USA
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The movie "Bad Boy II" when they open the door to meet his daughter date. I remember one line for sure. "There will be NO ****ING TONIGHT.
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January 16, 2004, 23:40
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#13
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King
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It might also be fun just to go out of town for the weekend with the wife.....and staple Giant Posters o Jesus above every concievable make-out place in the House.
Afterwords, when your Daughter Asks why you put one over her tiny Single Bed, you say "Because your Mom and I did it there when you were at camp".
__________________
With such viral bias, you're opinion is thus rendered useless. -Shrapnel12, on my "bias" against the SS.
And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worth while, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: "I served in the United States Navy!"
"Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I ****ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective." --Barack Obama
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January 17, 2004, 01:22
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#14
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Local Time: 03:16
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Location: Skanky Father
Posts: 16,530
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Quote:
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This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on skanky
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Doesn't sound so bad to me. 
__________________
I'm building a wagon! On some other part of the internets, obviously (but not that other site).
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January 17, 2004, 01:52
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#15
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Prince
Local Time: 12:16
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__________________
The worst form of insubordination is being right - Keith D., marine veteran. A dictator will starve to the last civilian - self-quoted
And on the eigth day, God realized it was Monday, and created caffeine. And behold, it was very good. - self-quoted
Klaatu: I'm impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live without it.
Mr. Harley: I'm afraid my people haven't. I'm very sorry… I wish it were otherwise.
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January 17, 2004, 03:32
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#16
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King
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When your daughter introduces her beau, in the words of the song,
'walk right up, and give him a great big kiss, mwah!'
preferably tongues.
A sure icebreaker at parties too.
__________________
Cherish your youth. Mark Foley, 2002
I don't know what you're talking about by international law. G.W. Bush, 12/03
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January 17, 2004, 03:45
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#17
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King
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: United States of America
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Re: Best ways to scare the **** out of your daughter's waiting date(s)
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Zylka
3 - If it's simply a girl "friend" and she's dressed up to frequent the local rave with your young Vanessa - grab her neck hanging pacifier and firmly manhandle it like a misbehaved clitoris. This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on a skanky warehouse floor.
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Wow. I never knew raves could get so, um, personal.
__________________
"I may not agree with what you have to say, but I'll die defending your right to say it." — Voltaire
"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart." — Confucius
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January 17, 2004, 06:35
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#18
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Civilization V News Editor
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one girl's stepfather only glanced up for a second from his newspaper. the moment of eye contact was frightening. in it... oh damn... what was that machine in the hitchiker's guide that showed you in relation to the universe? it was like that. only i didn't come out like zaphod did.
__________________
Civ V Civilization V Civ5 CivV Civilization 5 Civ 5 - Do your part!
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.
[ All good things]
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January 17, 2004, 12:11
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#19
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Deity
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Invite her 3 larger, scarier brothers over to greet him at the door.
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I'm consitently stupid- Japher
I think that opinion in the United States is decidedly different from the rest of the world because we have a free press -- by free, I mean a virgorously presented right wing point of view on the air and available to all.- Ned
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January 17, 2004, 12:14
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#20
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Prince
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You people are scary and an impediment to my sex life  
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"I work in IT so I'd be buggered without a computer" - Words of wisdom from Provost Harrison
"You can be wrong AND jewish" - Wiglaf :love:
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January 17, 2004, 12:17
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#21
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Emperor
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It was in the restaurant at the end of the universe, as I recall.
Anyway, my brother already has an impressive collection of oriental and western weapons-two sais, a nunchaku, lots of knives, a sword, and one of those double-bladed swords. My niece is only two and a half now, but when the time comes for her to start dating he's going to hang them all up in the front hall, right across from the door. I'm thinking I should get him a kukri to round it out. I love my niece.
__________________
"May I be forgiven for the ills that I have done/Friends I have forsaken and strangers I have shunned/Sins I have committed, for which others had to pay/And I haven't met the whiskey that can wash those stains away."
-Brady's Leap, "Wash."
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January 17, 2004, 13:46
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#22
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Emperor
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my uncle did that to one of his daughters "gentlemen callers". he went to shake his hand, and he got a "dead fish" from the boy, so he squeezes as hard as he can and says "SHAKE LIKE A MAN, *****!"
god bless uncle timmy.
__________________
"I've lived too long with pain. I won't know who I am without it. We have to leave this place, I am almost happy here."
- Ender, from Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
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January 17, 2004, 13:50
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#23
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Emperor
Local Time: 12:16
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Location: Fort LOLderdale, FL Communist Party of Apolyton
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Theben
Invite her 3 larger, scarier brothers over to greet him at the door.
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That was fun, wasn't it. 
__________________
Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...
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January 19, 2004, 03:21
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#24
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Civilization V News Editor
Local Time: 12:16
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Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Yggdrasil.
Posts: 4,164
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Uber KruX
"SHAKE LIKE A MAN, *****!"
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that method's been tried on me. thankfully, i've got a firm handshake.
__________________
Civ V Civilization V Civ5 CivV Civilization 5 Civ 5 - Do your part!
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.
[ All good things]
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January 19, 2004, 03:29
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#25
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Emperor
Local Time: 11:16
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Whaleboy
You people are scary and an impediment to my sex life
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That's the whole point
__________________
Which side are we on? We're on the side of the demons, Chief. We are evil men in the gardens of paradise, sent by the forces of death to spread devastation and destruction wherever we go. I'm surprised you didn't know that. --Saul Tigh
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