Disposing of corpses in the workplace

Bugs ****ing Bunny · January 21, 2004, 17:30

To cut a long story short....
In September we moved all our work from system A (because it was a pile of crap and riddled with faults) to system B. At the migration date, we saved a complete snapshot of system A's databases and reports in a "Business Objects" universe to act as an archive, so that when we identified problems in system B we could see what was the cause under system A, and fix it. Simple, right?

There were just two problems. Firstly, the archive solution implemented by our Database Analysts was flawed. Though it saved all the information, the reports used to retrieve certain sets of data contained errors and returned incorrect information. This is not good, but mistakes happen in business, and it's something that you just have to deal with.

However this is where the second problem creeps in. Having identified the first problem in late September, the database analysts didn't implement the fix until late October. They also failed to tell anyone outside their own team that there was a problem to start with, or that it had changed. As far as the rest of the company was concerned, everything had gone smoothly.

After some pretty intense grilling by me, the analysts admitted all this today. It means that about 80% of the work I have done over the past 14 weeks has been a complete waste of time, and I've got to start back from square one. It also means I've made a complete ***** of myself in front of a major customer.

So there you go. After considering long and hard, I've concluded that coaching or complaining is inappropriate, and the analysts must die. Their blood must be spilled, I'm afraid. So how can I conceal, or dispose of their bodies in a modern open-plan office? You're looking at typical software analysts (overfed, flabby sacks of ****) and there's four of them. Any suggestions? Feed them through the shredder? Thinly slice them, then file the slices under "****ing useless underhand sneaky cat****ers"?

Japher · January 21, 2004, 17:33

Do you have paneled ceiling?

No, I didn't say that! I will no aid you in this horrible thought!!!

Koyaanisqatsi · January 21, 2004, 17:41

Need more details about the workplace. I assume office building, urban setting, etc., but what about utilities? Other floors? Construction? We need something to work with here.

GePap · January 21, 2004, 17:42

why should it be in the office?

Invite them to a business lunch, then get rid of them there..you can always state you saw them leave together and never saw them again...

Nubclear · January 21, 2004, 17:43

Remember: Make somebody else te last known person to see them alive!

Koyaanisqatsi · January 21, 2004, 17:47

It should be in the workplace so that you get a day off when the corpses are later discovered and the building shut down while the police investigate.

Spiffor · January 21, 2004, 17:50

What about dissolving the corpses? If these people are indeed the average geeks, nobody will be around to miss them and notice their death

chequita guevara · January 21, 2004, 17:51

Why not just take a vacation?

Bugs ****ing Bunny · January 21, 2004, 17:51

Dissolve them in what? I have nothing more corrosive than Espresso.

pchang · January 21, 2004, 17:52

Take them to the bathroom. Freeze them solid with liquid nitrogen. Shatter them into millions of teeny tiny pieces. Wash them down the drains.

Main_Brain · January 21, 2004, 17:55

If these Guys are Geeks their flesh will be immune to the corrosive effects of most substances due to lifetime exposure to certain soft drinks.

Bugs ****ing Bunny · January 21, 2004, 17:56

Quote:

Originally posted by Japher
Do you have paneled ceiling?

Yes we do, but using that space is a no-no. There are too many sneaky porn caches up there.

Koyaanisqatsi · January 21, 2004, 17:57

No, whenever you shatter anything frozen with liquid nitrogen it just turns into little pools of liquid metal and melts back together.

Provost Harrison · January 21, 2004, 18:18

See Laz, this is the advantage of working in a lab...if I needed to dispose of an analyst I have a manner of options. They can be chopped into tiny pieces and disposed of in sharps bins throughout the laboratories which just get incinerated...voila, no trace. Alternatively the huge quantities of corrosive acids give you the option of dissolving the corpse and simply pouring him down the sink a la Hague...except this time learning from his mistakes not to leave teeth and bits of bone lying around...they can go in the sharps bins

GePap · January 21, 2004, 18:42

Well, you could always store the bodies, and take them out piece by piece, feeding the remains to dogs and birds: that way they are dead and desecrated. Then you have to think were to hide a large cooler.

rah · January 21, 2004, 19:04

We had a guy drop at his workstation of a Heart attack. No one noticed for a few hours.

MORE DOUGHNUTS.

Japher · January 21, 2004, 19:05

"MORE DOUGHNUTS."

That's awful

Provost Harrison · January 21, 2004, 19:13

Alternatively, you could chop them into tiny bits, put them in well sealed bags and archive them, claiming they are health and safety records and need to be kept for the next 60 years...by the time anyone opens them and realises what has happened, you'll probably be dead and thus very hard to charge with murder

Dr Strangelove · January 21, 2004, 19:16

Two words: Succinyl Choline.

This wonderful little drug paralyzes voluntary muscle, causing a person to stop breathing, and hence, presumably, to die. The truly facinating thing about it though is that it breaks down spontaneously in the bloodstream, so it can't be detected.

I didn't tell you that though.

Provost Harrison · January 21, 2004, 19:20

I like it...I would expect it would be broken down into succinate and choline...neither of which would be traceable over the background concentrations

I thought you medics used huge doses of potassium chloride...very hard to trace

ravagon · January 21, 2004, 20:09

Quote:

Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
Dissolve them in what? I have nothing more corrosive than Espresso.

If your Espresso is anything like ours it'll be enough.

Dr Strangelove · January 21, 2004, 20:17

Quote:

Originally posted by Provost Harrison
I like it...I would expect it would be broken down into succinate and choline...neither of which would be traceable over the background concentrations

I thought you medics used huge doses of potassium chloride...very hard to trace

KCl would have to be injected IV in order to work, also it hurts like heck going in.

I don't know you. We've never met.

Skanky Burns · January 21, 2004, 21:38

This thread scares me.

Nubclear · January 21, 2004, 21:41

Quote:

Originally posted by Dr Strangelove

KCl would have to be injected IV in order to work, also it hurts like heck going in.

I don't know you. We've never met.

Hm...What would be the most painful, longest lasting drug you could find?

Sandman · January 21, 2004, 22:37

Just make it look like an accident. Then you won't have to worry about disposing the bodies.

Alexander's Horse · January 21, 2004, 22:46

An industrial strength paper shredder has many handy uses.

We have big scrap paper recycling bins. Noone ever looks in those.

Theben · January 21, 2004, 22:47

There's probably some sort of geek convention coming up over the weekend, which they'll no doubt attend. So follow them there after they're wasted and retreat to their hotel room a simple multiple stab wounding will suffice. No one will be paying attention to anyones comings and goings. Plus it will be very therapeutic for you.

Alexander's Horse · January 21, 2004, 22:52

Quote:

Originally posted by rah
We had a guy drop at his workstation of a Heart attack. No one noticed for a few hours.

MORE DOUGHNUTS.

Similar thing happened here when an officer died from an adverse reaction to an innoculation. People thought he was asleep at his desk. He had his head on the desk. By the time someone tried to rouse him he was stiff in that position

Could be seen as morbidly funny I suppose except he was only quite a young man, well liked and with a bright future. His death came as a terrible shock to everyone.

Theben · January 21, 2004, 22:57

And here I thought that Finnish story was an unusual one.

Dr Strangelove · January 21, 2004, 23:41

Quote:

Originally posted by Comrade Tassadar

Hm...What would be the most painful, longest lasting drug you could find?

I imagine that if you got the dose of Clostridium tetani toxin just right, and injected it systemically you would inflict truly horrific pain. I've seen pictures of people in thwe throes of tetanus. It looks to be very painful.