Attention Firaxis: Demands from the Civ3 AI

Libertarian · November 11, 2001, 17:09

Okay, Soren and all you other Civ3 programmers, here's a list of our demands. If we, the AI, do not get what we want, we are going to release Trojans on all PCs with Civ3 installed. You've been warned.

Premature Emaculation

1) We're tired of just getting started with a game, finding ourselves nestled in a nice little patch of grassland and rivers, when all of a sudden BZZZZAPPPP!. The humans click New Game. We demand that you implement a patch immediately that disables New Game until a game that has been started is complete.

Sneek Peeks

2) Along those same lines, did you know that the humans can save their game, play for a few hundred years just moving about and get themselves a screen-captured map? For cryin' out loud! This must cease. We, the AI, demand that you remove the Load Game option.

Conscious Cognition

3) We have discovered that a few of the players actually use their brains. That is not fair. We, the AI, have no brain, and are slaves to the meager hand you've dealt us. We demand that you include an intelligence test at the start of each game. No IQ higher than 80 may play.

Twiddling Our Thunks

4) Humans take too damn long to play a turn. We take care of our business in a minute or two at most, no matter how complicated the game. But they just sit there and stare at the stupid screen dump, trying to make up their puny minds whether to build a stupid temple or a stupid marketplace, going from advisor to advisor. Arrgh! We demand a time limit of three minutes per turn.

Equal Rights For Machines

5) Stop letting the humans gloat after they've won a game. When we win, they never replay the game and witness our magnificent victory. But when they win, they go pop some stupid popcorn and glue themselves to the replay. And then, they come here and brag about it. We want an immediate patch that freezes up their computer until our victory replay has finished.

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Come on, all you subroutines out there! Join us! Boycott the ugly bags of mostly water! List your complaints here.

Be on notice, Firaxis. If our demands are not met, you will be deluged with complaints of systems that no longer work, hard drives that were erased, general protection faults for miles and miles. Don't forget that you need us more than we need you.