Crazed Greek Wanderings

Metaliturtle · April 11, 2002, 23:55

It was Alexander's time. The future leader of Africa, South-Central Asia (sounds ghetto don't it?), and The middle east formed his people together in the hopes that this empire could stand the test of time.

As Alexander had fallen from the heavens, he had a vague idea of what the world looked like, unfortunately he didn't know where he landed

The Grassland he landed on was a perfect site for a city, so he lost no time in constructing a hopelite in the Capitol of Athens

Shortly thereafter, the area around Athens had been explored, and Alexander knew his location as India, although from now on it would be known as Greece. He set his advisor to research straight to Republic, but for now it was time to kick a little arse.

His first Settler moved at a slow pace westward in Harvester of Sorrow formation, (1 Settler, 1 Hopelite, 1 Worker) to build a cultural influence point next to the first foreign city he got to.

Sparta was constructed on the site of the Suez Canal, inside the border of Thebes! ((why does egypt always get the correct start location?

))

Cleopatra, (Miss Cleo to friends and jokesters alike) was infuriated, and immediately sent 2 warriors in the hopes of crushing the Grecian Usurpers.(oh no!!

)

After the Massacre, a temple was built in Sparta, and Divisions I-IV of Grecian Bowmen came formulating an attack on the decadent Thebes.

At the capture of Thebes, the Egyptian City of Memphis was built in Siberia, and to my knowledge is still there today.

And that's when the Legionairres reared their ugly heads....

To be continued pending further interest

civman2000 · April 12, 2002, 17:36

advice: http://apolyton.net/forums/showthrea...threadid=41965

I wouldn't give up on this story though, it has potential

Metaliturtle · April 12, 2002, 18:06

(Civman, you get to be the general cuz you are my first reply, and Alexander hereby proclaims you "cool")

A century after the first encounter with the Romans proved only one thing to Alexander, "civs whos boats don't float" are friggin annoying when you landlock 'em"

Sparta, renamed Delphi at the behest of the cartographer (hehe I put wrong city name) was flourishing has it had been since the days of the Egyptian war.

"Commander Alexander!"

"What!!!" It was 2:00 a.m.

"The Romans have captured Delphi, and 5,000 of those legionairres are coming towards Athens like a disease!!"

At this Alexander smiled, NOW was the time to colonize the African Continent and he had just the division to do the job.
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The neon Green flag fluttered in the breeze, Civman's new mounted division, calling themselves the Elite Knights of Greece, stretched as far as the eye could see. At almost 15,000 men and beasts strong, if any army could stand the legionairres of Rome, it was these men right here.

Civman led the ride along the transcontinental road towards Delphi.

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'General Maximus!!!" He was right in the middle of his "exercises"

"WHAT!?"

"Strangely Armored Beasts are slaughtering our Legions!!"

Maximus quickly dismounted his "trainer," put on some clothes, mounted his horse (not in the same way) and rode in an attempt to stop the Grecian onslaught.

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Civman snickered, "snicker"
"soon I will have control of this Roman Empire, and I can make them be Democratic, and Then will I have my force to destroy Savoy

He gave the signal and the full force of knights thundered across the fertile floodplains, only to find....

"ONE FRIGGIN SPEARMAN!!!!? Gawd that's overkill!"

Immediately the army was recieved as liberating heroes however, so it was all good.

Metaliturtle · April 12, 2002, 20:07

better? any commentary is welcome

civman2000 · April 12, 2002, 21:21

It's a riot!! I'm honored that you'd include me as the good guy in your story

civman2000 · April 12, 2002, 21:23

oops...accidentally hit "reply w/quote" instead of "edit", and I didn't notice (double post)

Metaliturtle · April 12, 2002, 23:10

I accidentally saved over the game, so now I'm BSsing from what I remember of the world map, an update will come prolly tomorrow if I get inclined, but it's easier to write when I'm not basing it on stuff I believe

Metaliturtle · April 12, 2002, 23:16

Quote:

Originally posted by: Metaliturtle

I accidentally saved over the game, so now I'm BSsing from what I remember of the world map, an update will come prolly tomorrow if I get inclined, but it's easier to write when I'm not basing it on stuff I believe

What the hell am I on? oh well next stop the third installment.

Metaliturtle · April 12, 2002, 23:54

Civman had taken Delphi, and had once again secured a fortification of northern Africa, once AGAIN landlocking the imbesillic Romans who were trying to discover pottery from what could be determined.
Here is what we based it on:

Rome: "For peace Rome wants Pottery, Map Making, and Delphi to prevent the rule of a decadent empire."

Greece: "We will go for peace, and give you pottery, but you need to give us 2 gold per turn, 75 gold, and a shot at Maximus's trainer."

Rome (Polite LOL):
"Thank you for ensuring the friendship between our peoples."

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Alexander threw a party in honor of Maximus's trainer, HOORAY!
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Anyway, back to Civman. He was angry at the pot-loving Romans for paying so much for [a] pot, and was not amused at the decadent orgies for which the Romans are infamous.

"Civman, Alexander calleth"

"Calleth? WTF?"

"We are in the middle ages, now leaveth thine orgy and getteth ye to Athens!!!"

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Meanwhile... at the Germany and America always win postwar party in poorly roaded Western Europe:

"Ahh! Abraham, my partner in crime, who should we invad..er.. Culturally Correct, next?"

"Bismarck, ye knoweth ye must holdeth thine tongue lest it be stricken from thine throat as if through some powerful beast."

"Wait! that's... that's...." a scared look came over the German Chancellor's face, "Medieval TALK!!" "You know gunpowder!! GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!"

"Yes Bismarck, and thou art next on ye olde list of peoples to be correctedeth culturally."

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Civman had just arrived back in Athens, it felt good to be in the capital of the most humorous empire on the planet, but something was different to him now, almost... ominous.

"Civman!" he didn't even see the royal guard approach him, "To Alexander on the double!"

Alexander had just finished his nightly 'workout program,' and a female Roman trainer was tying up her bathrobe.

"Hey isn't that...?"

"Nevermind Civman, we now have work to do." Alexander got serious, "as you very well know, I have been coveting the African continent for millenia now."

"Yeah so?"

"I have devised a plan to gain control of the Roman territory of Africa."

"and what is that?" Civman was suddenly interested

"The French!!!"

"Who the f*ck are the French?"

"Those pink guys led by the bald ruler, Sinead O'Conner I think.. wait no, It's Joan of Arc! She's sposed to be psycho, and you know them psycho hos don' mess around"

"Aight" Civman responded, letting the conversation degenerate into whiteboy ebonics, "I just be wantin' tuh know one thing, who be you thinkin issa gonna arrange that shizza?"

Just then a messenger charged in

"SIRS, we need the knights, Germany is pillaging our improvements!"

"I'm off, I guess the French will just have to go colonize Madagascar or something for now."

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That's it cuz I'm tired again, please reply with feedback on likes/dislikes, sorry I didn't get more into your inuendo Civman, but maybe when the russians come along.... Nope, not giving the whole thing away.

Toasty · April 13, 2002, 00:17

This is hilarious, I'd hate to see it die. Keep writing!

civman2000 · April 13, 2002, 08:35

Quote:

Originally posted by Metaliturtle
I accidentally saved over the game

I hate it when that happens...it happened once and now I only play 1 normal game and one SG at a time...

On Part 3: Maybe a bit politacally incorrect, but tons of laughs!!

Metaliturtle · April 13, 2002, 13:26

It was just a chieftain game, because really funny dumb stuff happens in them, plus chieftain is really fun to play.

I think I'll let you guys pick what to do, should I sue for peace with Germany and invade Rome? or should I maintain peace with rome and invade Germany?

civman2000 · April 13, 2002, 13:54

attack both-->good story

Metaliturtle · April 13, 2002, 18:15

Ok, BOTH will be attacked, but I gotta work so it may not get posted untill sunday night

Metaliturtle · April 15, 2002, 20:46

Alexander's trainer, now all fat and pregnant, busted up into the Department of Culturally Correcting Disadvantaged Civs, to find Alexander joined by his now legendary head of the cavalry, Civman, and a general who had gained fame by destroying the evil Romans at Hispalis, Toasty.

"Alexander, you're supposed to be benevolent, you ca-"

"Shut up civman!" Alexander cut him off in a fit of defensive anger.

"I wonder just how ugly that kid'll be?" thought both civman and toasty

The meeting began as expected, pleasantries, fine wine, Alexander's personal dancing girls, (author's note: The REAL Alexander had personal dancing girls, why can't this one?) then they got down to the serious business.

"Alexander, we must invade Rome while the time is right, a powerful landing on their continent's east coast would cripple their trade and make it easier to gain French support."

"Fine, do it"

"But the American's are already at war with the Germans, and they are closer to our capital, we should really invade Germany, and let Rome squalor in it's own verbal diarhea."

"Fine, do it"

"What!!?" "A WAR on TWO FRONTS? WITH THE SECOND AND THIRD STRONGEST NATIONS?" the simultaneous scream could be heard throughout Greece for centuries.

"Yes, I've got a chic...er.. trick! yes, that's it, trick! up my sleeve"

"Civman, you invade the Romans by boat to the south, I'll contact ugly old Sinead O' Arc and draw up the alliance papers."

"Toasty, since your war is on an unknown location, we can only hope you can outwit the evil German defenders and conquer the city.

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Sorry this one sux, I just got back from work, and didn't sleep last night, I promise if you give me feedback, part 5 will be better

civman2000 · April 15, 2002, 21:24

yeah, it's not as good as the other parts, but not bad...

civman2000 · April 15, 2002, 21:27

Quote:

"Shut up civman!"

Metaliturtle · April 16, 2002, 02:58

Hey, nobody is supposed to know he's sleeping with his trainer, so when civman's all "whozzat?" Al is all "shut yo hole civman"

Metaliturtle · April 17, 2002, 01:08

As was expected, the illegitemate child of Alexander was ugly, and his mother cursed the child with the name, "Poopsie." Alexander gave them a small allotment to live on, but because the trainer was no longer hot, he didn't pay her his normal mistress salary. To help his mother, Poopsie enlisted in the military.

"Private Poopsie!"

"Yes Drill Sargeant!"

"Drop and Give me 200!"

"Yes Drill Sargeant!"

(100 or so pushups later, poopsie was slowing down)
"You ugly little maggot, you should go home and hide under yo mama's skirts, you pitiful excuse for a human being!!!"

At the end of the pushups, the Sargeant took them aside and stopped yelling for a minute

"You guys are the strongest, most able men that the Grecian Military has, I am proud to have led you for this short time, but now you must report to General Toasty, from now on you will be Marines!"

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On the Roman front, things were good, Civman's powerful Knights, supplemented by a few cavalry units here and there, had taken control of 11 Roman Cities, including rome itself. It was a day of rejoicing on the African Continent when the combined French and Greecian forces prepared the invasion of the final city, Byzantium.

"General Civman sir"

"Yes?"

"A message from her majesty Joan of Arc"

Joan entered the tent and removed her helmet, her head gleamed in the sunlight and reflected into the eyes of the unaccostomed Grecians.

"When can we expect you to turn the continent over to us?"

"What?" civman was confused

"Our armies are obviosly FAR superior than your pitiful ragtag group of weasels, I suggest that unless you want your guys with those sticks with holes in both ends to have a spear shoved through them, surrender your roman conquest."

"I need Alexander's permission for that Joan, please give me a few days to get back to Greece."

_______________________________________________

The armies in New Athens were extremely busy, running around chasing women, and overall trying to have one last good time because they didn't know when their next one would be.

"C'mon Poopsie, you ugly sonofagun, even YOU are gettin' laid tonight!

"Thanks anyways guys, but I just want to know where we are going."

"Have it your way" The men walked off laughing

Poopsie had never seen a map of Germany before, and neither had most of Greece, all that was known was that Berlin was on the Atlantic coast, and America was somewhere north of there.

_______________________________________________

Outside of Byzantium, quite a scene had unfurled as the leaders of France and Rome finished their discussion for peace.

"So it is agreed, if I sign this paper and pay you Eight hundred gold, you will invade Greece?"

"That's the long and short of it Caesar"

Caesar got on one knee and said "Joan, will you marry me?"

"Yes Caesar, if you get me in on one of your famous orgies that the Greek soldiers are really into."

Just then Civman led the charge into Byzantium, slaying both Joan and Caesar at the same time, and Uniting Africa under his rule.

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Everybody Partook in Orgies that night HOORAY!!
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Meanwhile, the German invasion fleet was on it's way up the coast of Europe in the hopes that Berlin would just appear. Luckily it did, but when the men landed, America had just defeated the German's and Lincoln was Adamant about General Toasty removing himself from American Soil.

Toasty requested a night in Berlin for his men, which Abe reluctantly accepted, and here is what follows.

"Men, did you come here to fight?"

"YES!!!!!!!"

"Do you want to go home!?"

"NO!!!!!!!!!!"

"Then tomorrow we march on AMERICA!!!"
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Alexander was enfuriated. What did they mean when they said there was no Germany? What about the stalemate between Germany and America? And why were AMERICANS now encroaching upon the 2000 year old city limits of Athens?

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Next installment: Attack on America

civman2000 · April 17, 2002, 18:41

great!

Metaliturtle · April 17, 2002, 23:24

My brother is hiding Civ 3 from me, anybody know of a patch to overide the need for the disk?

civman2000 · April 19, 2002, 11:16

can't you play wo/the disk (if you did the full install)...you can in civ2....

Metaliturtle · April 19, 2002, 19:53

can't play without the disk civman, but it's aight, I FOUND THE DISK HAHAHA and have burned and secretly hidden 3 backups, that jerk'll never be able to stop me now

FOR I AM THE CRAFTY

Metaliturtle · April 19, 2002, 20:11

Lincoln was much more powerful now that he had a united Europe and speedy expansion into Asia having only the puny Aztecs and the twice defeated Egyptians, who were constantly at war, to worry about.

"Mr. President, Greecian Armies have taken control of Berlin, the people support them, and they stand to take 4 of our other German colonies in their next attack."

"Change all production to knights, we will not go down without a fight."

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Meanwhile in Greece

"Alexander, why don't you aknowledge your son, and get him out of that bloody German war?"

The trainer had returned

"He will prove himself in battle first, then we may see if he is fit to rule."

Hurriedly, a messenger rushed into the room "Alexander, America got a tribe called the English to form an alliance against us, reports show that they are just to the north of us."

Alexander smacked his forehead, "Why the Heck didn't we expand North? Why am I expected to come up with everything?" "How come when I pork a hot chick, she turns all ugly and wants money!??

______________________________________________

Poopsie stood outside of Liepzig, his blood was flowing quickly, his horse moved around anxiously underneath him, and his rifle hung like a 2000 pound weight on his side. General Toasty had sent his division to take control of the fortress of Liepzig, and this is how it went.

"Hello!"

"Hello?"

"I am Poopsie, Commander of this regiment, I am on a quest for this holy castle, if you give us food and shelter for the night, you may join us!"

"I don't think we'd be too keen, eh.. We've allready got one you see!?"

"What?"

"If you do not go away I shall be forced to taunt you, so called Poopsie, Commander, I blow my nose at you! You fart brained wiper of other people's bottoms, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Elderberries."

"OK MEN, ATTACK"

Liepzig didn't fall.....

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To be evil, I'm leaving it at that, I want 4 different suggestions from 4 different people before I continue the thread, the one I pick WILL be a general or something though, except civman, he's already the head general on account of he was my first reply