Metaliturtle goes Apesh*t (a Civ3 story)

Metaliturtle · May 12, 2002, 09:55

"GRARRRGEHDHD" Metaliturtle was ready to ream on some bastardized scum from the retardedly red Roman Empire. His battleaxes were a silver blur in front of him, and his armor had a cool metallic gleam to it, his emblem, a turtle, was borne proudly on the side of his helmet, like a really angry football player.
"Metalliturtle is going to beat the (explitive deleted) out of those (explitive deleted) munching (explitive deleted) faced sons of (explitive deleted)!!!!"

The axes were beginning to slash and bludgeon roman flesh now. The noise was a sickening woosh-thwock. WOOSH-THWOCK a leg came flying off of a Roman, and he started falling over towards that direction, but then Metaliturtle whipped around and lobbed his head off, causing him to fall the other way.

"DIE DIE DIE!!!!" Metaliturtle flung an axe straight into a guys head, then ran up to him, grabbed the axe, and sliced the guy's neck with the other one. With a swift motion, Metaliturtle whipped the decapitated head at the mounted Roman leader, knocking him off of his steed. Metaliturtle was going apesh*t, and the romans couldn't stop him.

"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT!!!" Metaliturtle was getting a mild case of Turret's and was shouting out nursery rhymes instead of profanities. This was too his advantage, as the nursery rhyme led the romans into a false since of security. WOOSH-THWOCK, There went a head and an arm. Metaliturtle may have weakend his battle cry, but he was still killing a ton of Romans.

"ROME IS GAY, ROME IS GAY!!!" WOOSH-THWOCK, WOOSH-THWOCK, WOOSH-THWOCK. The Roman leader's horse had fallen to Metaliturtle's blurrry battleaxes, and some of the Romans had begun to flee from Metaliturtle's fury. Metaliturtle saw this, and was extremely p*ssed. He took one of his axes and whipped it hardcore at a roman soldier, it struck square on the spine (just like in the Patriot) and the guy died.

"YOU GUYS SUUUUCK!!" Metaliturtle's taunting aroused the anger of the Roman Commander, and soon they were embroiled in a hardcore battle, Metaliturtle's axe, verses his stupid short sword. Metaliturtle took a mighty swing with the axe, and the Roman commander's sword broke the handle, it was time for Metaliturtle to pump up his apesh*ttyness into a more pure berserker frenzy. He fell onto the fallen horse, and had an idea. He had soon torn the horses leg off, and was beating on the Commander with the horses femur, blood and marrow was everywhere, it was great. Finally, Metaliturtle landed a blow to the Commander's skull, a bludgeoning move that was killer sweet.

"HEY, WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID!!" Metaliturtle looked around for a response, in his now crimson suit of armor, stained with the blood of many Roman citizens. Unfortunately, nobody was left to hear Metaliturtle's exaltations...

(DANG I can't believe I wrote this, I must be in a hardcore mood today or what? As always, GIMME FEEDBACK I know it's gory, I'm trying something new.)

civman2000 · May 12, 2002, 10:00

too gory and pointless plot (I dont want to hear about a crazy idiot unless there's an intriguing plot like for example "it's good to be dictator")

Metaliturtle · May 12, 2002, 10:03

hey, he's going apesh*t, what do you expect? I like the ending, otherwise civman, where should I improve?

civman2000 · May 12, 2002, 10:06

um...have something interesting happen, dont just have the guy ranting around and killing everyone.

Metaliturtle · May 12, 2002, 10:08

The story was based on a barbarian vs legion battle I saw where the barb won (it p*ssed me off) don't worry, I can still squeeze a plot at the end, even though this will be mostly battles where the guy goes apesh*t, because going apesh*t is hilarious.

Commander Steve · May 12, 2002, 17:31

ROFLMFAOBT I hope you continue this, I've been reading your stories Metaliturtle, and they're all really good.

Metaliturtle · May 12, 2002, 18:38

Thanks, I encourage you to write your own

Metaliturtle · May 13, 2002, 23:23

"I guess randomly killing people wasn't a good idea, huh?"

"No it wasn't, Metaliturtle, now apologize to Caesar"

"I'm sorry for going ape sh*t and killing your legions by myself. Can I do anything to make it up to you?"

"I'm glad you said that, you see, your barbarian lord here has agreed to give you to me for gladiatorial fighting in my home Nation of Rome, where going apesh*t is acceptable, and actually preferred."

"Yay"

_________________________________
Veii-2 months Later.....

"Metaliturtle! What do we do now?" It was his German comrade Fritz.

"We dance for their clapping, or we could kill some more giraffes."

"They have MORE?"

"I don't know, I thought you'd just do the German dance"

"oh, okay, I will then."

As they danced, the Large steel portcullis raised, and out walked the governor of the province. Metaliturtle and Fritz both stopped dancing, and knelt on both knees to signify their servitude to the governor.

"GLADIATOR!!!" This was directed at Metaliturtle

"YES GOVERNER, I AM YOURS TO COMMAND!"

"You will represent our province of Veii in the Roman tournament to the death, in the FREE FOR ALL competition."

"FOR THE GLORY OF VEII I DO AS YOU COMMAND, GOVERNOR!!!!"

______________________________
The Colosseum-Preliminary fighter show day (so people know who to bet on)

"PREEEEEEEZENTING, a barbarian battle legend, he single-handedly destroyed the whole first legion division three months ago..."The crowd booed. "HE is now here to avenge himself by representing the glorious province of VEII!!!" The crowd cheered at Veii, as there were many Veiigans in the stands. "Let's all hope he goes apesh*t, the ONE... The ONLY.... MET AL I TURTLE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Metaliturtle ran out super pissed and super pumped for action, and then he saw the Legions.....

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Better? Worse?
Once again, a shout out for feedback from metaliturtle

trickey · May 14, 2002, 07:11

It's a good story, just not up to your standards. I mean comedy-wise

civman2000 · May 14, 2002, 11:41

better than the first part, but still not close to CGW

Metaliturtle · May 14, 2002, 16:46

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE FUNNY ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME GRARRGHHHH I WANNA BASH SOME FRIGGIN SKULLS GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Metaliturtle · May 14, 2002, 19:45

The legions were fully clad in their battle armor, and Metaliturtle found himself surrounded by the legions. He was ready, he knew that the legions were out for revenge, but he was better armed now, and there were more legions, it was time to go ape sh*t.

6 Legionarries charged him, two with a chain net. Metaliturtle whipped the net away with his morningstar, smacking it into one of the legionarries, and making his whole face and neck just spill blood like nobody's business, he had gotten the artery, and the Legionarry was quickly dead.

With the next Morningstar swing, the other net guy's helmet smashed into his skull, killing him instantly.

The other four were beating Metaliturtle while this was happening, but his adrenaline prevented him from feeling the blows. Metaliturtle unsheathed his sword, and with a spin-stab move quickly killed one of the Legions. The other two were surprised he used this Roman tactic, and stepped back. Big Mistake. Metaliturtle bashed one in the face with the morningstar, and sliced the other's head off with the sword.

Metaliturtle was now running at the Janissaries, because the cavalry had just been released. He took his sword, and with a mighty blow felled three unsuspecting jannisaries, he quickly grabbed their Javelins and Launched them at the Cavalry's horses. Metaliturtle killed most of the horses, but one horse was pissed out hardcore and he kept coming at Metaliturtle. Metaliturtle ran out of the way and swung around in time to kill the rider. So much for the cavalry threat.

"WE DESTROYED YOUR VILLIAGE, AND RAPED YOUR WIFE NUMEROUS TIMES, EVEN GIMPY GAY GAIUS got a piece of arse!"

Now Metaliturtle was surrounded, and more and more blows were landing on him. For every man he killed, the others laid what looked like 1000 blows onto his neck, shoulders , and back. His sword was now a blur, Metaliturtle was out for one thing, REVENGE, for his villiage, and for his wife. If he was super pissed before, now he was Ultra super lightspeed mega powerfully pissed, and it showed. He cut through the red army like moses through the red sea, and thats when he saw her....

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THE GORE IS BACK!!! YAY YAY YAY

Metaliturtle · May 16, 2002, 23:56

The woman was gorgeous, Metaliturtle stopped fighting momentarily, and stared at her longingly. Her long brown hair flustered slightly in the breeze, her lightly bronzed skin glistened in the sunlight. Her lips were full, and her brown eyes were dark. She winked and mouthed "win."

Metaliturtle was even more prepared now, when he stopped, it caught the Romans off-guard, there were still about half a dozen, so Metaliturtle decided to kill 3 and use the rest to impress the beautiful woman.

Metaliturtle dispatched the first three with ease, and made a challenge to the other 3. "I AM METALITURTLE, I AM THE BEST FIGHTER EVER, NO ROMAN COULD EVER BEAT ME IF THEY WERE UNARMED!!"

"PROVE IT PROVE IT PROVE IT" The crowd was pumped, they wanted the guards to prove it.

With the typical Roman machisimo, they decided to prove it. Two rushed his front and one rushed his back. Metaliturtle did a sweet looking double punch to the two rushing his front, and quickly grabbed their necks in his massive hands. The third roman had thrown himself on Metaliturtles shoulders, and was hitting his arms. Metaliturtle squeezed....HARD.

Metaliturtle dropped one of the corpses, and with the other lighter one, swung it up on top of the living Roman. This gave the Roman enough Heebie Jeebies to become frightened and fall off of Metaliturtle. With jabs and blows to the armor, Metaliturtle went all out on this Roman, until finally, the roman dropped.

Metaliturtle was bloody and alone once more, and then there was a great roar from the crowd, they were excited, but at what???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We'll find out next time, feedback appreciated.

Sovy Kurosei · May 17, 2002, 02:49

Well, it IS interesting

Metaliturtle · May 17, 2002, 19:06

I would like feedback on what I could do to improve this story, cuz I kinda like it

Sovy Kurosei · May 17, 2002, 19:25

Well, more details can help

Rotten999 · May 18, 2002, 01:12

I think the Metaliturtle character really isn't very sympathetic. All we know is he is a tough guy who has a short fuse. Why is this? A few bits of motivation/background (his family was killed by Romans, he is the exiled rightful leader of Rome, he is an avatar of the God of senseless violence and teacup rhymes, anything!) would give the carnage more meaning.

The more you know about a character, the more likely one is to identify with that character, in general. Then, there is a lot more at stake when the situation turns hot for our ultraviolent hero.

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 01:37

Oooh! I have a great idea, I'll post later, but I'm tired now, stay tuned.

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 13:02

It was Maximus, Rome's finest Warrior. Metaliturtle engaged him like the others, the difference was, THIS time, Maximus was just as apesh*t as Metaliturtle. The battle was basically a stalemate.

"Do I know you from somewhere?"

"YEAH I DID YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT"

then he remembered.....

____________________________________
"MOTHER NO!!!!!"

Maximus was hauling off Metaliturtle's mother. Metaliturtle was trying to go apesh*t, but he couldn't out of fear of accidentally taking his mother's life. He was powerless...

On that day he vowed to make Rome pay.. and Pay it WILLLL!!!

___________________________________
Metaliturtle appeared to have doubled in strength. He pummeled Maximus's midsection, and then slapped him around like a red-headed stepchild. He hated this man so much, and he hated Rome as well.

He grabbed Maximus's arm and dropped, flipping Maximus at the ground hard, as one arm wasn't enough to support the massive frame of Metaliturtle!

Maximus broke his neck, and lay paralyzed at Metaliturtle's feet. Metaliturtle looked to Caesar for the thumbs up or down.

Caesar rose, and slowly his right thumb turned counterclockwise, and then thumbs DOWN!

The crowd roared as Metaliturtle raised the blade and thrust it through Maximus's neck.
______________________________

More about the woman next time

Metaliturtle · May 19, 2002, 13:06

The Illustrius Caesar walked out to Metaliturtle.

"Lower your eyes for CAESAR!!"

"Metaliturtle bowed as was instructed."

Caesar touched Metaliturtle on the shoulder.

"You are free to go."

Metaliturtle left the Colosseum. The woman was waiting outside for him. Metaliturtle was astonished, surely his brutality scared her away. As if reading his mind, she broke the silence.

"I enjoyed watching you fight today."

"Why? I'm not proud of it."

"Because you are the greatest, and you walked away instead of staying for the women and the money and the fame."

"But I have a woman now..."

"So you have, so tell me, what is next?"

"We head east to the Huns."

"Who are the Huns?"

"They are my ancestors, they will keep us safe untill I can gather an army to defeat these Roman oppressors."

"Oppressors? Rome gave you freedom!? How can you call them opressors?"

"Rome took my freedom as well, you probably don't realize that gladiators don't fight for fun, they fight for survival."

"I didn't know it was like that...Oh! by the way, my name is Mary."

"Mary, that name makes me merry

"

"That joke is so old"

"Let's to the stables and get some horses, then we will stop to make camp at nightfall."

"This way"

Metaliturtle procured the horses through "agressive negotiations," namely, going apesh*t on the stablemaster, but he had his horses, and his woman, and his supplies, and they were ready to set off for an adventure to the East!
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Better? Please somebody respond?

Samuel Johnson · May 19, 2002, 13:11

I like it!

Metaliturtle · May 19, 2002, 14:02

Thank you sam

SKILORD · May 20, 2002, 07:14

i do to man.... random gratuitous violence nonwithstanding.

i think i just used a word i'm not sure of the meaning of..... gee hope i used it peroperly

goodjob!

Metaliturtle · May 20, 2002, 18:42

Random violence is the essence of Apesh*t