Invasion

Metaliturtle · May 15, 2002, 22:43

As always, I'd like Feedback
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Mitchel Yawned, it was another glorious day in America, nothing ever really went wrong here besides zits and girl troubles. As a typical American teenage male, he got out of bead, scratched his leg, and stumbled into the bathroom to look for signs of peach fuzz. "I think I see some, better shave it off so it comes in thicker." When he finished, blood dribbled from former zits as he had lopped the heads off of most of them, what Mitchel didn't realize was that this was the least of his problems.......

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The Paratroopers landed in Washington, capturing the president, and neutralizing the pentagon, nobody knew who they were......

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Sarah was working hard on getting a knot out of her hair. She looked very dissheveld at the moment, but once she brushed the knot out, she was very hot. She was pumped, because today she was going to the air base to see her father for the first time in 3 months, and she was very excited......

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John didn't particularly like this American President, why was he always talking about sexual relations with women? The public had no need to know, so why did he insist on telling? His commanding officer walked in, "If he doesn't talk, shoot him."

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Well, here's my next concept, you guys into it or not? Please tell me why, I could probably fix it.

trickey · May 16, 2002, 07:09

I could be a good concept, maybe make each segment a little longer.

civman2000 · May 16, 2002, 11:43

yeah, a bit longer so it's not as confusing. But it looks promising!

Metaliturtle · May 16, 2002, 12:15

once again, this was a teaser, actual segways will be larger

Metaliturtle · May 17, 2002, 00:07

"SPEAK YOU DOG!!"
John was frustrated at the American President, he had always seemed so wimpy on television, but now he was as tight lipped as a seasoned criminal.
"Fine, we'll do this the hard way you piece of monkey crap."

John drew his pistol and pointed it at the President's head.

"For the glory of CANADA!!!!"

The hammer flew back, almost in slow motion, and came forward quickly.

America no longer had a President.

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ack, this is short, but i gotta go to bed now, i'll continue big time

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 02:30

Mitchel drove his blue JEEP Cherokee into the parking lot of Sun Prairie High School, it was 6:30 am. Unlike his peers, Mitchel enjoyed the solitude which the school afforded him before the usual crowd showed at around 7:30. He wandered the vacant halls with all sorts of thoughts in his head, including, "I wonder if I'll see Sarah today," and "Ashley is so beautiful, I would love to have her be my girlfriend."

"Mornin' bud."

Ron, the morning custodian snapped him out of it. He had to be focused, he didn't know why, but something told him he would need his entire mental capacity today.

"Hey Ron, How's it goin'"

"Can't complain."

"Same here."

They walked in different directions, Mitchel wished he could continue the conversation, but he always felt sort of sad when Ron spoke, so he was just kind, and decided if Ron needed someone to talk to, he could come to Mitchel, but Mitchel wasn't going to throw himself at Ron.

It was about 6:45 now, and there was his buddy Tyson down the Hall.

"YO!!! T-DAWG what is ayyyzayy in the Heyy zay?"

"What the he|| did you just say?"

"Hey Tyson, what's up?"

"Well then why the F*ck did you say it in izza?"

"Cuz izza the shizza"

"Let's just drop it man, I can't stand your ghetto talk now that you've added izza to your repitoirre."

"That's cuz I be PO man, I so PO ah can't neven 'ford tuh pai uh ten shun"

"Mitchell, you really gotta sleep in more."

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Sarah pulled into the Air base looking good in her 2002 JEEP Wrangler. ((Hey, I got a thing for JEEPs, except the Liberty, that one's just a bastardization of the Cherokee that's $9000 more expensive))

Instead of the expected triumphant pass of the control tower, with maybe a sonic boom for his daughter, she saw her father in civilian clothes getting off of a passenger airliner.

"Daddy, are we going to get to fly?" Sarah loved flying, and already had her pilot's license, she was a natural.

"I'm sorry pumpkin, these planes are on alert."

Just then the sky began to rain sharp metal maple leaves?

"Come on Sarah!" Her father grabbed her and put her in the gunner's seat of an F-14, he climbed in behind her in the pilot's seat, closed the hatch, and took off.

"Today you become a national heroinne Sarah."

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Mitchel and Tyson were hanging out in the Cafeteria waiting for more people to show up, they were debating a very serious argument.

"Apple pie is way better dude!"

"No way dude!! Apple pie ain't bad, but fu*kin banana cream pie whips Apple's A$$!!"

"Come on Mitch, you know as well as I do that Apple pie is greatly superior, and any debate is just a stupid waste of time"

"What are we doing now then?"

"It's ok for us to engage in stupid wastes of time, because we're stupid wastes of space."

"Dude! it's that hot Ashley girl I was tellin' you about."

"Da*n, she is friggin hot!"

"Hubba Hubba"

"No dumba$$! ask her out!!!"

"Ask her out where?"

"Dinner anything, just get your butt a date!!!"

Mitchel walked over to Ashley, and mustered up all of his courage

Mitchel: *muster* Would you go to the.. uh... Store! with me?
Ashley: Why the store?
Tyson (whispering): Don't blow it!!
Mitchel: I wanted to put mother nature's bounty to shame by revealing your beautiful looks, and your excellent sense of humor.
Ashley: Ok, see you at the store.

"Dude, I can't believed that worked, you were hand-feeding her CRAP."

"Yeah, but I got a date with her now

"

"HA! you guys are going to the GROCERY STORE, that's more of an errand than a date, face it man, she's giving you pity accompanyment"

"That leads to pity sex!, OFF TO MARATHON TO BUY A BOX OF CONDOMS!!"

His valient efforts were in vain however, as Marathon was closed

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That's it for now, I tried to get the teenage guy thing in there good with Mitch and Tyson's dialogue, what do you guys think?

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 11:47

BUMP

P.S. I seriously considered calling that last post Condom Run

Sovy Kurosei · May 18, 2002, 17:03

LOL, Canadian invading the US all Red Alert 2 style is funnah

Metaliturtle · May 19, 2002, 20:37

BUMP for vanity and to get 500 posts and a custom Avatar, then I be stylin'

Metaliturtle · May 19, 2002, 21:06

"DROP AND GIVE ME 50 MORE SOLDIER!!!"

Mitch and Tyson were in the army, they had the same birthday, so their draft numbers came up at the same time. They were based in the football field outside of Sun Prairie High School, as the Press Box, High School, and YMCA gave perfect vantage points for potential invaders.

Ashley walked by and Mitch ran over to sneak in a little conversation with her.

"You still owe me that date to the grocery store

" She had known that he was drafted.
"I can go tonight, I can hop the fence just like we used to do when we were kids."
"I know something else we can do that we couldn't when we were kids, Seeya!"

For some reason, training was much easier for Mitch the rest of the day.

At lunch Mitch sat with Tyson and another guy from the University.

"Dude, what'd she tell you?"
"She wants to do something "special" with me tonight"
"Whatre you gonna do dude? We made balloon animals out of all those condoms you bought"
"Pardon my interruption, but if you were to go and burglarize the marathon wearing Maple Leafs jackets, you could have more for free."
"Hey you're right! let's do it Tyson"
"

all this so my Friend can get a piece of arse"

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Sarah had already been enlisted into active duty due to her valor in defeating many Canadian Aircraft. She was now behind the stick of a Harrier, her callsign was sweetpea.
(somewhere off the Atlantic coast of Canada)

" This is Sweetpea, am I cleared for takeoff?"
"Roger that Sweetpea, your good to go, lauch code Eight double Zero Niner"
"Did I catch a niner in there?"
"aaaaffirmative sweetpea"
"Launch code activated, ready for takeoff" The undercarriage jets flared up and Sarah was hovering, "WOOHOO!" this was her favorite part of her new profession.

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"Sir! Attack squad fully prepared for the land invasion into Wisconsin!"

Pierre was the leader of the Canadian Army, and he had already taken all border states except Wisconsin, to avoid costly sea transports over Lake Superior, he planned on going around and hitting hard in Sun Prairie.

"HA, now it is us invading regardless of what those Americans wished!"
"Yes Sir!"
"I'll bet when we take over this continent, there will be hordes of sexy American models lining up to sleep with us."
"Yes Sir!"
"And I shall give them a jolly rogering, if you know what I mean."
"Yes Sir!"
"Is Yes Sir! the only thing you say?"
"Yes Sir!"
"Then get out of here!"
"Yes Sir!"

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Author's note: POO=funny PEE=gross

Metaliturtle · May 19, 2002, 22:45

Pleeeeze gimme feedback I NEED it!!

trickey · May 20, 2002, 09:16

hehe

DhulKhidr · May 20, 2002, 10:35

Ya, that pretty much says it.

The Bloody Baro · May 22, 2002, 19:24

Write MORE!!!!

The Eliminator · May 23, 2002, 12:47

Ugh, who wrote this? A 12 year old?

Come on, if you are going to post a story in this forum, at least put in a decent effort.

Metaliturtle · May 23, 2002, 17:04

Quote:

Originally posted by: The Eliminator

Ugh, who wrote this? A 12 year old?

I'd like to see you write a story, if you are going to call it crap, fine, crap all over it, but say what is wrong so it can be improved, if you are just going to say UGH, then don't say anything, you aren't increasing the quality of the stories, all you are doing is creating hostility, anger, hatred, and resentment. What do you have to say about that? Or have IELIMINATED you, you sorry excuse for a nobody?

Metaliturtle · May 23, 2002, 18:17

Discontinued, this thread is being voted on, I will not write more because chances are it won't win.

The Eliminator · May 24, 2002, 18:50

Of course this "story" won't win, its horrible. You honestly don't deserve any feedback on it because it is too bad to salvage.

Sorry I hurt your feelings, but like I said before, if you are going to bother writing a story, try to make it good.

The Bloody Baro · May 24, 2002, 22:00

Eliminator since your so "good" at recoginizing good stories go write your own. Funny I don't see any of YOUR stories winning a contest. Metaliturtle you should write more. I beleieve your a d**n good writer and pretty funny too.

The Eliminator · May 25, 2002, 02:34

I could always whip up a bad story like this dude.... lets see...

Joe: "Hey look in the sky I think I see a parachute guy coming down oh no what's going on here I am scared I am really scared but wait look at the girl sitting there she is f***ing hot! yummy she is hot wow."

Tim: "Ok dude go for it she is hot as s*it she likes you I know it but dont forget about the parachute guys coming down."

Joe: "Oh s*it I forgot about the parachute guys where are they from what do they want with us oh wait that girl has a skirt on oh wait I can see her undies wow she is f***ing hot I like her."

Tim: "Me too I think I might pick her up and call her my b*tch what do you think about that? I think thats what I'm gonna do because while you fight the parachute guys coming down from up there I will be knockin' da boots with that fine piece of a$$."

Joe: "Maybe we should call our legions to fight the parachute guys before we get into a broad showdown cuz you know that I got the mad skillz and you ain't nothin' but my b*tch."

Tim: "Oh yeah?"

Joe: "Yeah."

TO BE CONTINUED
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Feedback please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

civman2000 · May 25, 2002, 08:40

STOP THE FLAMING PLEASE!! Eliminator, although actually I do agree with you, your attacks were too personal. Do not insult the writer, only give advice or, within limits, insult the story.

DhulKhidr · May 26, 2002, 20:24

Actually civman, Eliminator is merely responding (very effectively I might add) to Metaliturtle's flame. Eliminator, cool response

.

Metaliturtle · May 27, 2002, 17:02

that was hilarious Eliminator, keep it up

The Eliminator · May 28, 2002, 00:30

Thanks for the critical acclaim fellas!