Culture Shock, World War, and the Case of the Stolen Panties

Absolut_Zero · May 17, 2002, 22:56

Alright, this would be my first post to a civ3 board, but I was playing a game and was suddenly struck on the head... no, not by an idea, just struck on the head by my webcam. You see I was trying to see if the horsemen... well never mind, onto the story.

It started as a normal world, with many scattered races, and my fine ramification of the powerfully stupid race of the Aztecs (how in the hell are we supposed to pronounce some of the city names), and as usual, our culture far surpassed that of all others. As my city borders approached the Egyptians, Abydos, Cairo, Buto, and countless other hamlets and thorpes became mine for the taking. As my soverignity intersected the greeks, my race flourished with cities like Sparta, Greece, and many others. As my devine cultural... well, you get the picture. But, at the time of the 1800's, the other civs began to get jealous, which is where I begin.

"President Montezuma, we have information that the evil American troops have declared war on us because we stole all of the panties from Las Vegas."

"I see, and did we steal the panties?"

"Of course not, sir," the military advisor stuttered a bit on that last part, "at least, I don't think we did."

Montezuma stared into space blankly for a moment and then responded, "Well, that's good enough for me, send delegates to Rome.."

"We destroyed them, sir"

"What?" The President had that strange look on his face, like when he's furious.

"The Romans Sir, We destroyed them."

"So we did, well send a delegate or two any way, for tax purposes."

"But sir, I don't understand how we coul...."

Montezuma cut him off, "that's why you're not the president. Now, contact the Persians, the Iriquois, the Greeks, the Egyp..."

This time it was the advisor to be cutting off, "Sir, in all due respect, we have..."

But Montezuma couldn't let that happen, "Don't all due respect me, why, in my day, boy I can almost remember how the sun had a gleam to it, how the rose petals used smell so prettily, how we always had ice cream and hot fudge on tuesdays follow by the sweet inards of a..."

"Poop"

"What did you say?"

"Poop, sir"

"And why did you say poop?"

"I didn't say poop."

"Well than what did you say."

"Poop."

"But you just said you didn't say poop."

"I didn't, I said Poop. With a capital p sir, you said it with a lower case."

"So I did, well why did you say Poop?"

"Oh, someone in the story, namely you, had almost finished an entire paragraph of speech without being interrupted, I thought it was only fitting to..."

"Stop at once. There shall be no more cutting off of one's speech in mid..."

"Sir, you just cut me off. I think it only fair, that if you say no more cut-offs, that you don't interrupt someone just before saying..."

"Oh just shut up"

"See you did it again. I really think that you should abide by..."

"Listen, no more cutting off from now on, this must be losing any humor it may have had, so just contact every race but the Americans."

\::/
/||\

That's all for now, if anyone reads it, and likes it, or just wants to see it continued, post what you want to happen or what you think of it so far. And It shall be continued.

civman2000 · May 17, 2002, 23:12

wow you're incredible! A lot like hitchhikers guide to the galaxy imo!

Civ3King · May 18, 2002, 00:28

Odd......yet funny!! please keep writing the story!

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 01:41

Metaliturtle invites you to join the storywriter's union, and I believe I have met my match in humor, although I was hoping you'd embellish into the panty situation more.

SKILORD · May 18, 2002, 03:57

nice .....

trickey · May 18, 2002, 05:28

i like it!! definatly continue!!

Absolut_Zero · May 18, 2002, 13:10

Thanks for the compliments, and Metaliturtle, if it's panties you want, it's panties you shall have (snicker, snicker, snicker).
Alright, here's the next part, I hope it's better.

The year, 1862, the place, Tenochtitlan, capital city of the Aztecs, the smell, vaguely cheese with a hint of garlic. Montezuma was bathing with his citizens as he occasionally did, mostly because he accidentally superglued his pants to his, self, so to speak (lucky he chose not to wear that thong today). It was a sunny year, when the Americans approached the city, and all of the citizens fleed the bath, trampling their president, and breaking a rather nice barracks while going into civil disorder. Montezuma, in a rather craptastical mood, decided to enter his palace, and upon his arrival, found all of his advisors in a rather annoying circle, with quite annoying looks on their faces.

"We need more money for research," cried the Science Advisor

"We should build cathedrals, and watch the people flock to our cities!" exclaimed the Cultural Advisor.

"We need a viable trade route to the American capital of Washington," the Trade Advisor calmly stated.

"Yeah, and I need sweet lovin', but that just ain't gonna happen." Montezuma looked puzzelled as he said this, "since when did I use slang," he added as an after thought, muster the military, we must retaliate against the Americans."

A small boy tugged on Montezuma's shirt, "Mister, we ne-need y-you in the throne room now."

The President nodded and headed to the throne room but had something to say first. He turned to the Cultural advisor, who was wearing a devastated face, and said, "Whats with all this WE crap, since when have you needed anything with your fancy advisor screen and your, um... urh, your... yeah. If you don't have anything useful to say, why do you even talk. What, do you expect me build cathedrals, pretty little cathedrals, when about a million men, with horses and rifles, come knocking on our door, and say, 'hey, if you could just kinda leave, and let us burn your capital to the ground, that would be super'!!!"

The Cultural Advisor looked hurt, "Well damn, damn you, if you want me to be quiet, you could just ask, now I'm never going to talk again."

"Well fine."

"fine"

"I thought you said you were never going to talk again"

"Well I'm not."

"But, you just did again."

"Did not."

"Hey isn't this basically just the poop thing, but slightly different."

"He said Poop."

"Nobody cares, just go take a long walk off of a short cliff will you."

Montezuma proceeded to the throne room, and saw his military advisor awaiting his arrival as he took the throne and said, "Sir, I was awaiting your arrival, there is bad news."

"Yes, proceed."

"It seems, well sir, this is hard for me to say."

"Well just spit it out than."

"You see, Joan d' Arc, she's d-dead sir."

"What, how did this happen?"

"She died just today, of a lethal overdose of brick wall, while under the influence of a Ferrari and a bottle of tequila." The Military advisor began to cry.

"Suck it up, what about the contacts in the lands foriegn."

"America says they'll give us peace for shrubbery."

"What, we don't have... hey I told you not to contact them, oh well."

"Anywho, France is gone, there hasn't been a Greece in nearly a thousand years and all of the other countries have told us very politely to go to hell, but swing by the liquor store and pick them up some wines on the way, or be crushed severely by their extreme military might."

"Okeydokey than, well, seems we need some shrubbery."

"Oh and sir, one more thing, all of our panties are gone."
[cue dramatic chord]

"Get me Lincoln."

It was 1863 when Montezuma contacted Lincoln, noting the slight garlic smell had disappeared leaving only the cheese to permeate one's nostrils. "Yes, Cheif-Jungle-Boy of the Azwhores, I mean Aztecs."

Montezuma let this insult slide, "Lincoln, am I to understand correctly that all of the panties have been stolen from Las Vegas."

"As if you didn't know, we've none left in the country you underhanded underwear stealing, thong thieving, panty pilfering, knee-biting as..."

"I get your prong."

"My what?"

"Your spear, your pike..."

"My point, oh, well then, what do you have to say for yourself."

"Nothing."

"Well then why did you contact me."

"We have no panties either."

"Serves you right."

That's all for now, I apologize for the lack of comedy, but, I'm in sort of a rush, I'll try to post something better tommorrow.
\::/
/||\

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 17:36

Still fairly funny keep em coming

Absolut_Zero · May 18, 2002, 20:08

Here's the third part to my tale of civilizations, it should be hopefully more comedic than the last.

When we left off, Lincoln and Montezuma were having a hard hitting discussion about the sudden disappearance of panties in their two countries.

"What do you mean, 'serves you right'."

"You shouldn't have stolen the sacred American panties, and perhaps your second rate ass-floss would still be in it's rightful, yet extremely smelly place, rather than having the honor to grace our proud nations buttocks."

"So, you stole our panties, Lincoln"

"That's about the gist of it."

"Why, good god man, have you no shame, no dignity, no sense of smell," Montezuma paused for a moment to examine Lincoln, who was strangely squirming as if in hushed urgency. "What's wrong with you," a slight wait, "Praise the gods, they've allowed this man, who claims presidency to be posessed by demons."

"No, I just really have to take a piss."

"Damn the gods, guards, have Mr. President here put in a mall uncomfortable box, and do not release him, even under my own command, until the ...eh, cows come home."

"So you want us to lock the president in a box?"Asked a guard.

"Yes, a small, uncomfortable one," replied Montezuma

"A small, uncomfortable one."

"Of course, you imbecile."

"And we aren't to realease him, until the cows come home."

"Even under my direct command."

"Even under your direct command."

"Perfect."

"Even though we have no cows."

"Yes just take him away."

"Alright then," The head gaurd glanced at the other palace guards stationed around the room, "You heard him boys, get the president locked up." The guards knowing their commands, proceeded to the throne, removed Montezuma force fully, put him in a small and quite uncomfortable cage.

"This is utterly ridiculus, I meant Lincoln, not my self."

The head guard spoke, "We can't release you, you ordered us, now shut up, or we'll have to beat you."

"I said nothing about beating me in the continuity that I refused to be quiet."

"So you admit that you meant yourself when you ordered the president to be beaten."

"I ordered President LINCOLN to be beaten!"

"Haha, So you did order a beating."

"Well, no... um, well... maybe... why yes, I guess I did," Montezuma looked crestfallen, "I guess you'll have to beat me then."

"Alright, you heard hi..."

"NO, NO, they did not, their was no beating ordered." Just then, Joan D' Arc jumped down from a rafter, and surprisingly, was stark naked.

Montezuma gasped, "Joan, I, you're alive."

"Yep, my sister, Joan B' Arc, took a fall for me in that car crash, funny, we have nothing but dirt roads and railroads, yet we still have cars, oh well."

"Get your hands off of me, you damn dirty apes." The guards released Montezuma and then left the room looking sullen and downcast.

"What is with those guards, anyway."

"They must execute themselves for disobeying a direct order."

"And what was that order?"

"To beat me."

Joan suddenly wore a sedductive look upon her face, "That can be arranged, Mr. President."

Montezuma, restored to his throne, with the help from Joan D' Arc, Finally got his pants off, it turned out, his was wearing Hasibiboricosteriastinancy's pants and they were just quite small, seeing as he was a three-inch midget from Costa Rica (not meant to be insulting, probably isn't funny). When the president went to his closet to change, he discovered the most utterly disturbing thing ever. "MY PANTIESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!"

"What is it?" Joan looked disgusting as she coughed when saying this, and a small ripple went through her nude body, but the president, being a heathen monkey boy, found this erotic and said..

"My panties are gone, but it is o..."

"You (snicker) have (chuckle) p-p-panties," Joan couldn't help but laugh so hard she fell to the floor.

"Not anymore I don't. I just don't understand wh..."

Joan who had gotten up now began to prance fancifully around the room and say, "So, you would walk around the palace and be like," Joan began to walk as if she had a rather large bug deposited in a certain nether region and continued, "Oh, (in fake French accent) look at me, I'm Mr. President of the Aztecs, I have panties..."

"Stop or be executed."

"...and a bug up my..."

"Shut up."

"Bum, I'm so pretty with my silky pink..."

"Guards, execute the presi.. Excecute Joan."
\::/
/||\

That's all for now, but what will the next episode in this exciting series be, panties in the palace, panty raid, or, me myself and my missing panties. tune in next time, kids, same vodka channel, same temperature time. (I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't make this one funny.)

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 20:14

uhh that was a little too gross

Absolut_Zero · May 18, 2002, 20:17

I know, I'm sorry

Metaliturtle · May 18, 2002, 20:21

Read metaliturtle goes apesh*t, civman reams me for being pointless and gory

civman2000 · May 18, 2002, 23:42

i think the first part was the best...

SKILORD · May 19, 2002, 02:22

it was .... the third was a bit too much for me.

Metaliturtle · May 19, 2002, 02:25

Yeah... you kinda did a backslash I think beginning\End. Make it a check mark

Absolut_Zero · May 19, 2002, 08:41

I would like to personally apologize to all of you for writing the third part, it was a mistake and I feel that I've ruined any enjoyability (is that even a word) my story may have had and filled it with crapulence (don't think that's a word either, but Monty usually knows what he's talking about (I.E. "Wallowing in my own crapulence")). On top of my writings degeneration, I feel I have let down anyone who liked my story and for that I am truly sorry. As for an explanation to my disgusting story, I'm thirteen, and usually I write in an intelligent if not juvenile manner as for my humor, but with this, I seemed to have a lapse into a more childish state, and sincerely thank you for reading and enjoying my story up to that rough part.

Absolut_Zero · May 19, 2002, 09:09

the changes I made should make it a little better

civman2000 · May 20, 2002, 11:22

bump

civman2000 · May 22, 2002, 18:07

bump

Civ3King · May 22, 2002, 18:23

Umm, Ive been wondering for the longest..what does "bump" meen civman2000?

GeneralTacticus · May 25, 2002, 01:38

It means that the point of the post is to move the thread up the list, so that people will notice it.

Absolut_Zero · May 25, 2002, 10:37

My Fourth Part

Well, this is obviously my fourth part to the story, I've been a little busy lately(thanks for the bump, Civman), but

I think this one might be a little funny.

Montezuma was in his council room, the year 1865, with the Presidents, Lincoln and Miss D' Arc. To recap the previous

sections, the Americans declared war on the Aztecs upon the accusation of panty-theft, the military advisor said poop (no he

didn't), I don't care what you say, he said poop (did not. Poop is what he said) Screw you, I don't want to get into this

again, and Montezuma made his cultural advisor cry (the big meanie) nobody cares what you think (do too) why don't you shut

up, ya big grasshopping, gas guzzling, masturbatory monkey. (you hurt my feelings), don't care (lalalalala, can't hear you)

oh shut up (Oh ****lalareedickdedoo to you), what (Oh just shut up), hey, that's my line. (don't care), that's mine too,

(can't have everthing), wanna bet, (why yes I d... (the sound of gunfire fills the air and the alternate, parethetical voice

is silenced for good)). (not quite). damn you, die ((he empties the clip into the voice)) that's better (for me) I give up,

onto the sto... (I win), onto the stor... (now onto the story).

"Abe, Joan, listen, It's not that I don't want to help, and to fight your war, but you forget, Lincoln had all of my

panties stolen, and to be quite honest, I don't really want to fight a war." Montezuma glared at Abe with hatred.

"Listen, Monty.."

"Don't call me Monty, Joan."

"Monty, you can't go around pointing you finger at..."

"This is my Palace, I can do as I please." With this, Montezuma stood up, raised his outstreched index finger and

repeatadly pointed at Lincoln until interrupted.

"Montezuma, the American people will destroy you in war, unless you fight with us to gain back the panties."

"Well, I'm not going to fight with you but.." Abe's face lights with anger as Montezuma said this, "But.. I will give

you horses as a bri... a token of good faith."

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." Abe stated politely.

"Sir, what are you doing." The trade advisor broke in.

Montezuma whispered to his disgruntled defacto trader, "I gave him the horses because horses are extremely cheap to

make."

"Excuse me, but I think Joan makes a valid point, w..."

"No she doesn't, she makes one hell of a stupid point, the kind of point my invalid mother would make. Whilest she's

eating rice flour.

"What."

"That wasn't a question."

"Yes it was."

"Not at all."

"Well sort of, in a way."

"What way."

"The... uh, erh... uhm, the post modernisticallitisticationallitity kind of way."

The military advisor now advised, "Sir, I believe we should cooperate with them, their military outweighs us by about

75,000,000 men.

Montezuma was intrigued by this, "And just how many men do they have, pray tell."

"Oh pray, pray." Joan and Abe both stare at each other laughing as they say this.

"75,000,000 men, to our best estimate sir. That is why I believe we should cooperate."

"Listen, with your keen ability for conscise and persuasive speechgiving, you've gotten me to believe that the moon

is made of cheese, your mother-in-law is actually a boyish-manchild of the freaky nature, that thirty-five percent of all

tables are hermaphradites, and that sun is the moon and that the planet Earth acually orbits a giant head of lettuce, that

was sneezed out of a forty-two year old man's navel as he was beginning to take off his roman sandals and grateful dead tee

shirt, but Damn, how in all of holy mother****ing hell do you expect me to believe that, outside this window, their could

possibly be, (he looks out the window) that b-b-be, uh," he turns to the Presidents, "Let's find us those panties."
\::/
/||\

That's all for now, but I should post more later tonight or tommorrow. As always, thanks for reading.

Absolut_Zero · May 25, 2002, 10:39

that didn't come out quite the way I expected, I won't pre-type it in notepad any more.