Bad Neighbors

[Metaliturtle]

My Second Story (after CGW) based on a game which moved big time into the Middle Ages, and this is a Chieftain game, so there's gonna be some dominating. Like Stages of the World, and the short-lived CGW 2, I'm going to go through the whole experience and touch on most of the key points. (and we may see some of our old friends along the way)
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Alexander streched, he had just spent his first night in Athens, all that it was at the moment was his modest stone palace, and a few mud-brick buildings, not yet masonry, but getting there. There was one dusty street which all the buildings were on, and the palace was at the very end of it, behind the palace lay the mysterious Northern Ocean, and the beginnings of a Greek harbor, Alexander had a feeling that this water would end up being important, so he planned ahead for expansion.

"Military Minister Civman!"

"Aye Aye Commander Alexander?"

"Train the finest men in the viliage into a force to explore the land arround here so that we may know of good places to build more communities like Athens"

"Aye Aye Commander"

Civman marched strongly out of the stone structure, he was proud of himself, God had given him immortality with Alexander, and so he was fearless, he taught the men the arts of barbarism, as they were all that was known. The men fasioned their own crude axes, hammers, and maces with which to blugeon, mangle, and maim potential enemies. Being true Grecians, they bathed themselves in Neon green paint, and started off into the unknown outside of Athens.

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"What now bos?"

Hustus and the slave gang had stomped the earth from Athens to a grassland which was particularly fertile.

"Dig a really deep hole in the middle"

"Shouldn'ta we be diggin' ditches bos?"

"Ditches won't help anything, deep holes produce more shields"

Sometimes Hustus didn't understand Alexander's "touched by God" way of speaking, but he dug the hole as he was impressed with Alexander's assuredness.

Slowly but surely, the hole got deeper.

"What we gonna call dis hole bos?"

"It's MINE, so call it mine."

"Ok, mine, tanx bos"

"NO NO NO, this hole is called A mine"

"Why don' we jus' call it de hole an' call it good?"

"Because I'm a political figure, therefore I make everything confusing so that simple minded meaklings like yourself, no offence, can worship me and dig holes which I can give silly names."

"Ok bos"

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Civman's warriors had an unusual sight. There were a bunch of similarly dressed people, wearing PINK no less! Civman asked them to take him to their leader.

"Ahh, so your name is... Civman! right? Why are you here?"

"Your majesty, I represent Greece! In the name of Commander Alexander."

"Grease? GREASE! Do you mock me boy? I know all about cooking, I'm French after all, and I know that there is NO such country based in my leftover cooking!!!"

"Uh, your um...wig"

"WHAT WIG??!" She was indeed furious, and the wig was indeed, falling off her shaven head.

"HAHA wait untill I tell Alexander about the bald queen of France, this is SUCH a bargaining chip, I'll trade you 8 head razors for $4,000 you must go through like 1 a day, and they're expensive for sure..." Civman couldn't hold it in, he guffawed all the way out into the moat of the French City, Paris.
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That's all for now, I may post later today, otherwise it'll be monday night as I'm out of town this weekend. I reserve nomination rights on this story Civman!

P.S. THIS IS THE TEASER

[Metaliturtle]

P.S. I think there may have been another story named bad neighbors, I honestly don't remember, if there is I'll change the name.

[civman2000]

great! Your knack for storytelling has finally returned!

[Metaliturtle]

I'll put this one up for round 7, Civman, will you bump it once a day this weekend if it falls to the second page? You seem to have a knack for that anyway.

[civman2000]

I've decided to stop bumping things (at least until they get low on the 2nd page) because there are just so many now with more and more people visiting and it would take forever.

[trickey]

great teaser. reminds me of some of your older stories.

[Metaliturtle]

Alright, I'm getting such good feedback, I'll leave yall with a little more to keep you going this weekend, without much more ado, The Frence Perspective
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It was 10 years since the war with the Grecians, and the still hairless queen was still very furious. What right had those green Grecian Soldiers to mock her anyway? France would mobilize the newly commissioned archer unit and take the Grecian territory.

"SEND ME MY MILITARY ADVISOR!!"

"Which one? Fredriques or Romain?"

"Romain, of course, after all, (inserted humor in 3...2...and 1) Fred... reeks."

"Of course your majesty, Romain to the throne room!!"

"Why not me?"

"You reek, Fred."

"So, at least I'm not bald!"

Joan heard this.

"I HEARD THAT!"

"I-I'm sorry your majesty"

"OFF WITH FRED'S HEAD!!"

"GAH" a thud was heard echoing through the palace. At the same time, Romain entered the throne room.

"Ahh Romain, is your archer division ready?"

"Yes, we are pleased to report that they are practicing as we speak in the courtyard."

SWIFFF DOIOIOIOIOIOING "What was that?"

Romain went to the arrow now stuck firmly in the throne inches from Joans head, but with full control over her wig.

"This... this... this arrow is.... NEON GREEN!!"

"ASSASSINS!" Yes, they were assassins, elite greek hopelites who leared bowmanship instead of spearmanship in basic training.

SWIFFF POP
Joan shrieked
"SHRIEK!!!!" then she ran to the top tower so she could maybe see the assassins. Romain in the meantime, sent his bowmen and spearmen on the alert for the Greeks.

The search went on for hours, the Grecians kept firing, and, like in any situation I've seen in movies, the regular soldiers died instantly no matter where they got shot. Eventually the Greeks got captured, and at the request of the foreign advisor, were jailed instead of being killed in a fit of laughter by the shock of seeing Joans reflective cranium.

"How many men do we have left?"

"About two thirds my queen."

"Tell them that they will never awaken in Paris again lest they take Athens!!"

"Your majesty, that's insane, they must roll off.. err.. rest first!"

"ARE YOU CALLING ME CRAZY?!" She did look rather crazy, her wig had rolled off, causing Romain to mistep in speech, and she had some foam in the corner of her mouth.

"No your majesty, we'll be off at once"

"Win quickly and I'll let you rub my head! "

Romain planned to extend this battle untill past his death.
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How's that? You likes or you hates? pleeze say why if you hates, or else Metaliturtle is going to cry and then sleep

[Metaliturtle]

oops, sorry guys, forgot about the Greek perspective LOL, enjoy
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The French ambassador was frightened, he was entering the palace for the second time now, and was dangerously far from the French Embassy at the southern end of town. He walked into the lavishly decorated throne room, Greeks naval might was world renowned, and her maps were revered, the fine silks and the beautiful diamonds were courtesy of their friends, the backwards Romans, on an island far south east of even France. As is the case in all my stories, where there be Romans, there be orgies, and where there be orgies, there be Alexander...

"Pardon the intrusion Commander Alexander"

"Ahh, ladies, finally word on our victorious assassination of the hairfree Joan and her hairfree lifestyle."

"It's not that sir..."

"Then what is it?!" Alexander wanted to know what it was

"The French Ambassador, Jaques"

"JOCK?! That's hilarious, put him on and have someone kick your crotch a little while" Alexander was never the most intelligent when surrounded by women.

"That's the pronunciation yes, but if I use him like that, I'll get warts, he is a frog after all sire"

"Frogs giving you warts is a fairy tale, send him in"

Jaques walked in, and gulped when the doors were locked upon his entrance. The only thing to do would be to inform Alexander of the failed assassination, and then pray for his mercy.

"Zee azzazzinaseeown attempted by your troops haz failed mizrablee, your zoldiers are een preezon."

"Speak GREEK da*n you!"

"We caught your guys who shot at our queen, please don't be angry at me, I'm just the messenger."

"oh Jock, Jock, I'm not mad at all, come over here and I'll prove it."

He came over and two beautiful ladies started rubbing his chest. Alexander nodded, and the guards in the room impaled him 5 ways, it was brutal, and cleaned up quickly. Now... where was Alexander? Oh yea, between Olivia and Maria....

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40 years later. (I know the time doesn't match tech)
The Greecian assassins were in their cell, just waiting for a rescue. By this time the French had better spears which they called pikes, and enjoyed very much poking their 60 year-old prisoners. What the French would quickly find out however, is that the Greeks had pulled a sneaky civ move, they traded up for better science and luxuries, and had musketmen and cannon leading their offensive into France.

The prisoners heard a great BOOM, and then watched as the prisoner one room over have his wall crumble in on him. Their rescue squad had finally arrived, and they were kicking arse the likes of which wouldn't be seen again for weeks. The former would-be assassins were liberated, and put on horses and sent home. The leader of the two, Phyrrus, became a great leader of Greece, and helped form the first large-scale army.

"You men are heroes of Greece, and as heroes, it is your duty to wear these really cool decoder rings of bravery, only really cool people get to wear them." Alexander wore eleven of them himself.

"Thank you sir, it is an honor" They replied in unison

There was much rejoicing, and that night, as is any Grecian night after much rejoicing, EVERYONE PARTICIPATED IN ORGIES HOO RAY!

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Once again, in France.

"You let them escape!!!?"

"Y-y-yes your m-majesty"

"You realize that now they do not fear us, and with that convict Phyrrus leading the military, they are unstoppable"

"No..no I didn't"

"WELL REALIZE IT!! IT'S IMPERATIVE THAT WE DESTRUCTIFY THE Army before it gets them political tact. They have political minds, if they achieve power, their people will be more than willing to die for that backward country"

"Then we'll just have to re-capture those prisoners!!"

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I'm really liking the feedback I'm getting, keep it up. I'm pumped about this story, monday's post'll be a DOOZY. 14 DAYS TILL HIGH SKOOL FREEDUM <--- America's educational system at work

[civman2000]

Wow !! Best since CGW!!!

[Metaliturtle]

I was going to do the Roman Perspective too, but they aren't really involved yet, so I'm gonna let them chill for the time being, maybe if I get greedy

[Metaliturtle]

Ha, I'm still up, one more short tantalizing piece
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The continent had come to an uneasy peace between the two superpowers, it is the middle ages now, and as such, the people will conduct diplomatic negotiations in that form, for example: Would you like to go to the park at noon? would roughly translate: Wouldst thou wisheth te visit yon park this noon? Al & Pals have a head start on the French in Settler production, and, taking a tip from the holy apolyton board o strategy, proceded to cage in the French territory with multiple cities.

"Surround the swine which walk upright and call themselves French!"

"Aye Aye, complete sir."

"Good, which cities stand the greatest chance of enticing the swine to become Grecian?"

"ALtown and PARIS IS GAY sir"

"ALtown has somewhat of a ring to it, build my palace there, and build the palace which is forbidden in Athens."

"But sir, all logic states that this will put a considerable strain on our defense."

"In France they behead ones who disagree with the sovereign, it will be much WORSE for you unless you DO IT NOW "

"Aye Aye Commander!"

============= A lil while later.....

"Civman"

"Yes commander?"

"Are the new culture attack cities well fortified?"

"Yes sir!"

"Call up Phyrrus and his army, I wish to speak with them, and from hence they will advance into france, taking all the cities but Paris, but making sure to destroy all of it's links with the other french cities."

"Aye commander"

"Ah, here they come now"

"You wanted something commander?"

"Yes, bloody that bald bit*h's ugly pink nose"

"With pleasure and extreme prejudice sire!! Ready men? CHARGE!!"

The knights thundered in to the fields surrounding Paris, and proceded to destroy all of the roads and improvements around it, the whole nation of France was in anarchy, and they intended it to stay that way.

"We've just got reports that Tours and Lyons have both switched to our side, and Orleans will follow within the day!"

"Excellent"

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Meanwhile in France

"What the hell are they doing THERE already, I'm going as fast as I can, I even have this high-tech abucus!!"

"Sometimes even the most high-tech of abucuses cannot answer the more important questions."

"I'm going to impress them with my Shakespearean tongue, you just watcheth."

"Most humble Ambassador, Ye hath wrought an invasion force uponeth our soil, lest ye wish te be losing yer family heirlooms if you get my drift."

"Queen, the attack was provoketh on the whipping of a stone at myself during a parade."

"We will not ruin your roads or fields any more than we already have."

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that's it for tonight, I gotta be up in 5 hours

[Metaliturtle]

I'm back from vacation, let's bust out another lil chunk o story
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It is still the middle ages, however, the Grecian culture force has switched all of France's cities but Paris. Joan ripped out her one good hair in anger at the Grecian deception, meanwhile Alexander participated in orgies and parties.

Greece: Alexander is reviewing and addressing his great armies...

"...and one more thing, if the woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's TWELVE!!!"

"AYE AYE, ALEXANDER, SIR!!!"

"Men, a new day is upon us, a day of powerfulness, a day of invading a land where the women have never participated in orgies, a land where there is a 34 man crew working tirelessly to make a wig which will match the queen's eyebrows, a land called FRANCE!!"

Civman had a question
"Alexander, I have a question."

"Yes Civman?"

"Why are we invading a country which is now so backwards that they pay us not to kill them?"

"Because pink is not my favorite color, ANY MORE QUESTIONS?"

"When's dinner?"

"WHEN FRANCE FALLS, NOW GO!!!"

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A similar scene was unfurling in France. Joan wasn't going to be paying tribute this year, and so she used the tribute to create musketeers with which Greece wouldn't dare invade.

"...and make sure to cut the hair off of the women if it matches mine!!"

"YES siruhh.. ma'am!"

"JOAN, the collection team hath arrived!!!"

"let them in"

The collection team walked into the walled city, and were slightly miffed at what they saw.

"Joan, where is your spearman?"

"He's retired, here is the new defence, would you like to see them in action"

"Not really, no."

"Too bad, FIRE AT WILL!!!"

The team fell to the ground, blood trickling from their mouths, the French were angry and ready to kick some hindquarter.

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"I want my MPT (mobile personal trainer) NOW!!"

That's right, Maximus, leader of the roman legions is back. The legions had landed in an uncontrolled area just east of the French Capital.

"Sir! Your trainer is prepared for mounting, mount at will!!"

"I believe I shall, here's 2 denarii for your troubles"

"Thank you sir!"

Everything was planned out, Maximus would let the Grecians attack, then move in with his unstoppable legions and give the French a fresher taste of whats new from the society which invented orgies. But first he must meet this bald queen firsthand.

Maximus walked up to Joan's chambers, a big sign read, "no fans," It struck Maximus as odd that there would be such a sign posted, but he didn't care, he was here just to submit his declaration of war.

"Please, come in."

Maximus was taken aback, he liked Joan's character, and felt an immediate bond with her.

"Your highness, I'm a representative of Caesar, Emperor of Rome."

"Is that so?"

"Yes and umm.. well... Have a nice day."

He quickly left the chambers, he was so enfatuated with this woman, he couldn't unleash the mighty legions of Rome upon her, Caesar would have to find another..

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I don't know about this one, what do you guys think?

[civman2000]

good! You've recaptured the spirit of CGW!

[trickey]

one of your best ever! great job!

[Metaliturtle]

Looks like there's one more chunk before bedtime, hopefully this will be so sweet you'll want to kick your moms right in the face, I know I will.
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Pyhrrus's Knights were exceptionally pumped, Alexander had kept his word, and the men had not been fed dinner since before the, "she's TWELVE" speech. The horses perspired even, as they got the brunt of the mens' rage coming out of Athens, and weren't given time to heal.

"PREPARE TO CHARGE KNIGHTS!!!"

"AYE CAPTAIN PYHRRUS!!"

"AIM THE CATAPULTS!!"

"CATAPULTS AIMED SIR!!!"

"READY THE INFANTRY"

"INFANTRY READY SIR!!"

"WHERE'S MY TRAINER?!"

"YOU'VE MOUNTED HER SIR!!!"

"OH.. RIGHT... well then......CATAPULTS!!!! BOMBARD THE WALLS!!"

The catapults flung their massive projectiles, scoring more hits than misses, and virtually demolishing most of Paris, including their temple, this sent the citizenry into hatred of Joan, and would prove to be the key in finding her as you will soon find out.

"KNIGHTS!!! FLANK THEIR MUSKETEERS!!"

"MUSKETMEN, FIND THAT BALDING HO!!!"

The knights suffered several casualties in the attack, but they were still able to easily overcome the musketeers as the catapulting had weakened them significantly.

The musketmen infantry got there just in time to play detective, first they broke into the palace. Rooms upon Rooms with ugly bald heads were all that they could see, with one, hardly noticeable, exception. They wandered that palace for hours, wondering just how she could live there. Fortunately, the townspeople were more than willing to help the Grecians.

"Pull the wig that is still there, and you will find her"

The Greek army wasn't as stupid as the french thought, but they were close, so this clue was probably the only way they would have found her. They pulled the wig, and the large walls separated, to reveal Joan with millions of wigs, it almost made them sick, and one guy even started wiggin' out.

"Joan, come peacefully, we'll handle you now."

"You'll have to shoot me"

"Ok then"

The musketman shot, had they been screwing in a lightbulb, he would've been the one on the ground turning the guy holding the bulb.
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Maximus's Camp:

"She's DEAD??!!!! DAMN YOU GREECE, I WILL have vengeance."

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Thoughts, comments, do you like the twist?

[Metaliturtle]

Ha, it seems the tide has turned, now a peaceful distant trade partner is slowly turning hostile with the destruction of france (there were 3 civs, tiny map, rome doesn't have nearly the land area as greece)
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Maximus loaded the Roman Caravels to head back to Rome to confront Caesar. Although he enjoyed orgies, he decided that he would eliminate the practice from Roman culture in honor of his, now goddess, Joan. Nobody, not even his trainer, could comfort him.

"Maximus, why are we returning?"

"We are taking over Rome"

"I thought we were supposed to take over Paris"

"QUIET you!"

It was a solemn ride home, Maximus was planning his rise as emperor, he had, after all, only 5 cities to capture, how hard could that be?

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Caesar's Palace....Rome, NOT VEGAS!!

"He has returned already?"

"Yes sire, he is planning a victory parade through all of Rome, starting here in Rome."

"Good, open the gates."

Maximus was on a white horse, he led his men proudly, all the way up to Caesar, in his hand he held a French sword, on it was inscribed "vengeance," but in French. Caesar only saw the flash of sun that was the blade before he was unconsious, Maximus had seized power from Caesar!

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"What do you mean Rome descended into anarchy??!!"

"They've had a military coup, their head Legionarry, Maximus, is gaining power, they will probably become a monarchy now."

"This means I won't have my scented oils for my nightly Orgy!!!" Alexander was angry, "Send a sh*tload of Frigates to their ports to try to steal some"

"Aye Aye Commander"

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That's it for tonight, (lest I be up late again ), It isn't as funny as the other ones because I still need to give maximus more of a character flaw, the next chapter will be funny though, I've already got an idea Please give me feedback, so that I know this is being read by people other than my mom <---- (yup, that's my mom)

[civman2000]

Your mom is reading this ??

[Metaliturtle]

she may be, but she's cool, so don't worry

[Metaliturtle]

I'm hoping to tie this up in one or two posts, I plan to start an epic next, I will blend this into the epic though if it gets some representation in round 7 if you know what I mean. I changed the setting because I want some modern stuff to go on now.
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Flash forward a few hundred years, we are in Athens, old man Alexander has become in many ways like Hugh Hefner, he has like 8 women who think they're his wife, and his daughter Helen runs the Commercial Empire of Greece. Since we last left, more land had been discovered east of Rome, and had been colonized by the Romans who are infringing on the territory of the Aztecs, a small nation, but with a monopoly on furs and dyes, making them Greece's new project. Maximus is secretly building a military force that can withstand the mighty Grecian Navy.

"Commandress Helen!"

"What is it Freduando?"

"Just... turn on your television" He walked away obviously chuckling

She turned on the TV, an announcer not unlike **** vitale was reporting.

"....That's right chet, Alexander the Great has stolen the Tas-T Ice cream truck and is running rampant through downtown, it's ice cream headache city baybee! He's dishin' the rock-hard treats to diaper dandys, and dandy diapers alike, it's awesome baybee!"

"Da*n" Whenever she was doing anything important, her father was always losing his mind.

BOOOM!! there was an explosion on the television

"WHOOAH BAYBEE! It's mad explosion city out here! Alexander appeared to have the edge but he lost it, it's boom boom city, get out the icy hot and leave the hot at home Baybee!!"

"Buy out his contract and make sure my father is OK!!" Helen was genuinely concerned, the country would have to wait until Alexander was better.

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"Correct sir! we made it appear as if he hijacked an ice cream truck"

"And what of the daughter?"

"She's distraught, NOW is the time to attack!"

"Send Fattius Lardassius to the front, I hate that fat bastard so much"

"Yes sir! Long live the new Roman Empire!!"

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Fattius Lardassius was in the Roman Aztec colony of Rome 3, being serviced by a beautiful woman which was having a hard time keeping her lunch down, with a name like Fattius Lardassius, you've gotta look bad.

"Fattius, telephone from the capital"
he took the phone

"Hello"

"Fattius?"

"You've got all of him"

"Ummm....yeah.... Anyway, you've been reassigned to the Grecian front, prepare your men for battle, you will be supplemented in your ranks."

"But I'm in the middle of bodily servic-"

"No buts but your butt on a ship to do battle with the Grecian Navy! Now GO!!"


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Thoughts or comments? Anything you'd like to see in my epic?

[Metaliturtle]

I was going to have the roman navy totally repelled, but I just got an idea please enjoy and if you read, PLEEZE comment.
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The ship moaned and groaned, Fattius was on one of 3 transports, and this one was having a hard time keeping up. They were coming up to the Grecian battleships, and they knew it would have to be pure luck for their 8 ironclads to make it to the Grecian shore. Phyrrus got on his walkie talkie from the land to Civman, who had since taken control of the mighty Grecian navy when Alexander decided he "didn't like the boats much."

"Civman, let them get to the mainland, they don't have amphibious assault capability, and I've left just one place for them to attack from, it's a plain, surrounded by mountains, knowing them, they'll kill themselves attacking me."

"But there's one transport that's going extra slow, you don't mind if I sight in my big guns on it do you?"

"Nah"

"Sweet"

Civman fired his 14 inch cannon at the transport and put a bigarsed hole into the side of it. Fortunately for the Romans, Fattius pushed it back out the hole, then plugged it with his big fat belly which shook when he farted, like petroleum jelly.

"Phyrrus, they dodged it, good luck with your defensive maneuver."

The romans landed just as expected, but, instead of attacking the mountained troops, they built a city, which was named ROME 4 (Fattius wasn't very original.) The boats went in to repair, and 3 years later the boats left quietly.

Phyrrus had finally built a large enough force to take out all the troops the romans put into this city, so he returned them to one of the mountains.

"Men, this will be a difficult battle, the best of the best roman soldiers are in that city, it must be destroyed quickly, now GO!"

With that, hundreds of Grecians charged down the slopes of the mountain. The first force arrived at the city to find....."A LEGION!! OH NO! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! I AM! NO YOUR NOT! HAHA ALMOST GOT YOU!"

That's right, the romans had gone home, and now the Grecian continent only had Grecian cities. Phyrrus and Civman were both issued many decoder rings of coolness, and Fattius was fed to the dogs.

Rome had become a democracy in this time, and the new president, Caesar 2 (he was named after a video game), was a righteous dude who enjoyed the finer things in life, like killing maximus, participating in orgies, and giving the Grecians stuff, This led to the age of peace in Greece and Rome.

Fin
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This is where I'm going to start my epic, or maybe part two, it just depends on how funny or unfunny it is, VOTE for me in the story contest, I'll do a funny cast party with dialogue.

[civman2000]

nice ending!