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View Poll Results: How good is this story?
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Execellnt
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Good
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Poor
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So bad I want to blow my brains out
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May 29, 2002, 20:03
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#1
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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The Dark Lord: Master of The Hordes of Death
Okay at first this is gonna sound like a fantasy but it does somewhat pertain to Civ3. Also if this sounds like Sovy Kurosei's story A New Creation of Order well I PMed him and he said I could take his beast thing idea.
So here goes nothing
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Chapter 1: Commudus' Sacrifice.
The howls and screechs seem to come from the fires of Hell itself. The Hordes of Death had arrived. Maximus could hear the Dark Lord laughing. That icy cold laugh was a sign of death. No person who had heard that laugh ever lived.
The Dark Lord raised his hand and let it fall. Now the Hordes roared as 1. The Hordes ran so fast and so controlled it look like a black and red flood. Those few brave pike men that had stayed where killed almost instantly. Maximus watched in horror as several of the raptor beasts [half man half Velciraptor] threw a pike man in to the air, then jumped and clawed him to the ground. But wait there was pike man who actually gotten close to the Dark Lord. He raised his weapon, but the Dark Lord, almost sensing it, swiveled his head and laughed. He raised his hand, and almost instantly the beasts stopped.
" Well done soldier, Well done. " said the Dark Lord amused. The pike man was looking absolutely bewildered and was eyeing the beasts aprehensely.
" For getting so close to me, you may take your family and 1 other to the nearest city. I will bypass that city allowing you to prepare some " adaquate " defenses.
" I don't have a family. " muttered the soldier. Maximus recogised the soldier as Commudus, his best friend. " They were killed in the last of your raids. " The Dark Lord looking throughly amused called one of the Wolf Beasts forward. He snapped his fingers and the beast puked up a middle aged woman and a 12 year old boy covered in slime and other unmentionable things.
" Is this your family? " laughed the Dark Lord. Commudus couldn't controll himself.
" You Bastard!!!! " he screamed. He lept at the Dark Lord, but the Dark Lord simply stared and his eyes went form dark tunnel black to a firey red. Maximus had heard myths that the Dark Lord had psychic powers. Commudus was stopped dead in mid-air.
" For your bravery pick ONE person to go in your stead. " said the Dark Lord but his voice was no longer amused but sounded as though the gates of Hell had awoken and the Devil himself was roaring.
" I chose Maximus. " Maximus could hardly believe it. The Dark Lord then gave him a horse and said to go to the top of the nearest hill. Maximus did so. Then for some strange reason the beasts had dug in the ground. Maximus then shifted his eyes to the Dark Lord and gasped.
Commudus was still floating in mid-air. The rest of the town was watching as though transfixed. Beams of light were appearing out of nowhere and were zooming to the Dark Lord. The light was turning black and pulsating.
Then the light stopped zooming to the Dark Lord and forze. Then the light exploded out of the Dark Lord and washed across the town.
When the light receded all that was left was a dark black skull and the Dark Lord laughing.
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May 29, 2002, 20:18
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#2
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Emperor
Local Time: 19:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2001
Location: of the Martian Empire
Posts: 4,969
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good teaser!
__________________
Ham grass chocolate.
"This should be the question they ask you before you get to vote. If you answer 'no', then they brand you with a giant red 'I' on your forehead and you are forever barred from taking part in the electoral process again."--KrazyHorse
"I'm so very glad KH is Canadian."--Donegeal
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May 29, 2002, 22:29
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#3
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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Hey I'm very low on apolyton lingo so whats a teaser?
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May 29, 2002, 23:28
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#4
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King
Local Time: 20:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Even if you don't believe in Jesus he believes in you!
Posts: 3,043
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Teasers were started fairly recently by cbraund (I think) They are basically a short post to build the suspense of the story, and can be really good, or really disappointing, what you wrote can be considered a teaser because it is fairly short and leaves the reader wanting more.
__________________
First Master, Banan-Abbot of the Nana-stary, and Arch-Nan of the Order of the Sacred Banana.
Marathon, the reason my friends and I have been playing the same hotseat game since 2006...
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May 30, 2002, 15:36
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#5
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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K thanks Metaliturtle. Now if any ONE person wants me to continue I will. Even if it's 99 to 1 I'll still write more. However if no one wants me to write I'll let this thing drift to the bottom of the Forum like a lost soul. Hey that gives me an idea.
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May 30, 2002, 17:00
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#6
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Emperor
Local Time: 19:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2001
Location: of the Martian Empire
Posts: 4,969
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write write write!
__________________
Ham grass chocolate.
"This should be the question they ask you before you get to vote. If you answer 'no', then they brand you with a giant red 'I' on your forehead and you are forever barred from taking part in the electoral process again."--KrazyHorse
"I'm so very glad KH is Canadian."--Donegeal
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May 30, 2002, 17:18
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#7
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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Okay for all you people who wanted me to stop, You just had your dreams abashed by civman2000.
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May 31, 2002, 10:50
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#8
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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Chapter 2: The Dark Lord
Maximus rode on and on for 3 days. He finally reached Byzantium. The guards asked for an explanation. For in the Roman Empire men had papers stating where they should be. He explained about the Dark Lord and the town being washed away in an explosion. The guards let him in and locked the gates.
Maximus walked into the village pub. Since secrets travelled relitivly fast everyone in the pub knew why Maximus there.
" But the Dark Lord had a human appearance. How could any man have powers to control the Hordes, not to mention destroy an entire city in an instant? " gasped Maximus after explaining what had happened.
" I'll tell ya why. " said a man at the back of the pub. He looked old and extremely tired. " He has a human appearance because he used to live here. He was my best friend. Ask anyone my age who ain't bonkers and they'll tell ya. It was me, Aurelius, and him, Gracis. Then his parents were mudered by the goverment. They claimed that they were " disloyal " to Caeser. Then he left. He went anywhere finding what he could about the dark arts. He could talk to and control animals, he could command wind, fire, water, and earth, he could turn anything in to raw energy and do unmentionable things with it. "
" But how did he create the hordes? I mean animals like that aren't found in the forest. " said 1 man in the pub.
" If you had let me explain his last power you would know. " stated Aurelius venomously. " There is a pit between heaven and hell. It is where lost souls go. Gracis could go in to that pit without having his soul ripped from him. He would talk to the souls and offer them a second life, not as a human but as a human-beast hybrid. They would be immortal. But in exchange they must swear allegiance to him. And should that allegiance be broken they will immedatily return to the pit. They could pick any animal from a Velciraptor to a rat. And that is how the hordes came to be.
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June 4, 2002, 19:05
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#9
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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Chapter 3: The Dream
Maximus was extremely tired after explaining what had happened. The local inn manager offered Maximus a free stay. Maximus greatly accepted.
Maximus laid down and fell asleep almost immediatly. His dream was extremely strange.
He was floating. He saw a small stream in the distance. Almost immediatly he floated to it. Whether it was his dream taking him or his instinct he did not know. He saw a woman in robes with a whicker basket crouching by the stream. " I'm sorry Maximus, but you will be better off with a more "loyal" family. " There was an extreme bitterness in the way she said "loyal". Maximus could see tears in her eyes. She lowered the basket into the stream.
Once the basket was out of sight the woman pulled out some berries and splattered them all over herself. Then a boy with pale skin, black hair, and even blacker eyes ran up to the woman.
" Mother where is Maximus? " asked the boy. " I was gonna play with him again. "
The woman was still crying. " Ohh, Gracis I was getting water by the stream and set Maximus down. Then a wolf came and took him. I tried to get him back. "
Then Maximus' mind went blank. Then another odd scene flashed before his eyes.
The boy from the last dream was standing there shouting. He looked about 2 years older. Two soldiers were dragging a man and a woman away. Then the boy screamed " You will pay! All of Rome will PAY!! "
Maximus awoke with a start and whispered " Oh my god. "
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June 5, 2002, 11:34
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#10
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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Hey guys how do ya like my latest installment?
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June 6, 2002, 01:10
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#11
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King
Local Time: 01:37
Local Date: November 1, 2010
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Don't you feel silly now?
Posts: 2,140
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not bad at all!
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June 6, 2002, 13:47
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#12
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King
Local Time: 19:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: A bleak and barren rock
Posts: 2,743
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...It's a little strange, but quite promising, I'd say. Indeed, some of it is quite good.
It's certainly not the stuff to blow one's brains out for, however, despite the actions of some poor devil who seems to have done just that.
__________________
Empire growing,
Pleasures flowing,
Fortune smiles and so should you.
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June 8, 2002, 12:02
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#13
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Prince
Local Time: 21:37
Local Date: October 31, 2010
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 333
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History Guy I only understud half of what you said. But the part that I did understand I like so thanks for your kind words. And you too SKILORD. I have an idea for the next installment but any ideas would be apprecited.
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