The Rotting Monkey of Guilt.

[Absolut_Zero]

Alright, I've been a little awol lately, but I'll try this one.

Bismark, the leader of the most degraded, backwater nation of the world had once been great, but, in his power he had gotten careless, and now possesed only three mules, two cities (and a partridge in a pear tree) shut the hell up, and one quite disgruntled cossack. His only goal now was to destroy the tribe that brought about his downfall: The Egyptians. So begins my tale...


"Can you help me?" Bismark had to scream over the loud grinding sound of his mules platinum plated teeth.

"Whip you? Sir, In all due respect, I don't swing tha..."

"Goddammit, what have world leaders told people about in all due respecting me. Don't make me spiel at you, you may be my Science Advisor but I can eat duck just as easily as a horsemonkey."

"I apologize, but in all undue..

"I'll spiel." Bismark threatened at the top of his lungs.

"I screamed, in all undue respect."

"Oh, well that's a different bowl of rice entirely. Proceed."

"Sir, assuming whores had monkey's, why would you want to bleed and f**k as well as them, and..."

"Here here, I'll have none of that vulgar language in my palace."

"But we're in the stable, with the mules."

Bismark looksaround and verifies that he was indeed in the stable, "So we are. That's still no excuse to use stable-boy language."

"But sir, with the shortage of staff, and the wicked witch of the west ,as you like her called, in control of our resources, we actually are stable boys."

"Just shut up."

"What, don't you remember?"

"Remember what, your stupid pointy hat in the middle ages?"

"No, before you asked me to whip you."

"I asked to help me."

"Oh with what?"

"Destroying Egypt."

"I can't help you with that."

"Why not."

"Because you thought my hat was stupid."

"I was, uh... It was constuctive criticism."

"Yeah, sure, and you're Abe Lincoln."

"Oh don't be like that."

"Like what?"

"Oh, let's just forget about it."

"You don't have to worry about forgetting, I bet you didn't even remember today was our anniversary."

"What anniversary, you're a Science Advisor, and I'm a king, for christ sake, what could we possibly have in common to anniverserate."

"It's that slut narrator, isn't it."

Hey, don't get me involved in this.

"Everybody, just calm down."

"That would be great for you wouldn't it, Bismark. If we all just calmed down, right!"

"Hey, what about the mules, how can we hear each other."

I'm not getting involved in this.

The Science Advisor thought, damn that bastard and his dirty pork.

"I didn't want to do this," Bismark pulls out his -piece-, and points it at the S.A.'s head, "Now everyone, just shut up."

Silence.

"You too."

But I have to keep the story moving, without my narration, the readers would have no idea that time passed, and... Now!!!!!

The Science Advisor knees Bismark in the groin, grabs his pistol, and leaves, without ever being seen again.

"You suck, I hate your narration." Bismark says as he doubles over in pain.

Oh well, now Bismark is in to see his mystical augar.

"How do I defeat the Egyptians, oh great prophet?"

The oracle stares at him and uniformly states, "I could easily solve your problem, but what will I recieve as payment?"

Bismark, gazes at the augar with a look he feels is seductive, but in reality, appears as if his, -ahem- member -ahem-, was caught in a certain zipper area and says, "I think something can be arranged."

"Uh... That's alright. I'll do it for free. Family discount, you know wink-wink, nod-nod, say-no-more."

"But we're not related."

"Close enough."

"Alright then. what is the answer to my query?"

"What you seek, will require, deep, searching, into the darkest depths of ... a.... oh, screw it. I'm not good at that mystical bullshit. It's at the bottom of the Mountain of.... I won't try to be dodgey anymore, it's behind you throne, but to open the gateway, you will need the scroll from the anchient wizard, Morgrad, to get his scroll, you will need to beat him in a game of fjord placement, and... well, I'm lying, it's in you pocket, right there."

"So it is, but what is it?"

"It's the rotting monkey of guilt."

[Metaliturtle]

Interesting, you've got something though

[civman2000]

hilarious! You double posted it though, not like that makes the story not as good

[Absolut_Zero]

yeah, sorry about the double post thing, I must have accidentally clicked the button twice.

[Absolut_Zero]

Here's the continuation, in real, live, smell-o-vision.

Bismark, without even looking at the Rotting Monkey of Guilt in his pocket, asks the prophet what it's purpose is, in a rather roundabout way.

"Hey, I can do things for myself, blockhead."

I'm just moving the story along, knee-biter.

"Well, I'm sure that if the guy writing this were to just come in and start this part of the story with something like....

Shut up, who's the narrator here. Are you trying to question my authority?

"For one thing, when you said, 'who's the narrator here.' you should have used a question mark and not a period."

Don't get all grammatically correcting up in my face.

"I'm just saying, you know, with all that pressure, you know, if maybe you just can't handle the responsibility of being narrator, I could..."

I can handle the job just fine.

"I beg to differ."

Fine then, do you want to be narrator.

"See, you should have asked that too, not stated it."

I quit.

"Oh you do, do you?"

Yes. Your job's so easy, you just say stuff, and I have to... um, ... I have to say... uh, things.

"If your job's so hard, why don't we trade."

Alright then, we'll trade.

"Now my self and the narrator switch our roles," the narrator looks as if he's about to say something,"well then spit it out."

If you want to narrate, you can't just go around speaking in quotes, it's just not cricket.

"Well then, if you want to be the protaganist in a story, you can't just go around speaking without quotes."

"Alright then."

Alright then.

"Shall we continue the story."

Oh, of course. The narrator, rather dismayed, was... hey, what are you doing?

"I'm looking dismayed, but..."

Well, could you stop it?

"I could, but the narrator isn't allowed to ask questions."

"But you're the narrator."

"See, you just spoke in quotes again."

Did not.

"Did too."

Oh just shut up, now why am I not allowed to ask questions?

"I won't tell you if you keep asking questions."

Fine then... Bismark ponders how to go about finding his answer, and comes up with a way. The Narrator tells Bismark why The Narrator can ask questions and Bismark, the one narrating cannot.

"It's not quite that easy."

The Narrator punches himself in the nose.

"Ow, I finkd ihd's brodden."

The Narrator now finds that his nose is not broken, and he was just talking stupidly for Bismark's ammusal.

"This isn't going to work."

The Narrator shuts his pie-hole and discovers the true purpose to The Rotting Monkey of Guilt. Now the Narrator proceeds to tell Bismark of said purpose.

"Nope, won't do it."

Why not?.. I mean, yes, you will.

"No, you can't just abuse your power like that."

Oh yeah, watch me. The Narrator suddenly finds himself staring at the edge of a cliff, and jumps off.

"You won't get away with this. As a last dying action of narration, the narrator throws the Monkey at Bismark, and reflexively, he catches it."

At least I got rid of that pesky narrator.

(Not entirely)

You shall tell me now you purpose.

(Nope, your not the narrator anymore, Bismark I am now. But I'm allowed to ask questions.)

Why, who ca....

(Aht, you have to use quotes again.)

"Fine, but why?"

(Because I'm special)

[civman2000]

[Metaliturtle]

smell-o-vision? I can't smell anything, and I'm not getting visions either, do I need quick time for this???????

[Absolut_Zero]

first, you go into your control panel, then you reticulate the splines of the 83 z coordinate, and then reverse the resonance cascade scenario, but make sure not to create a class 4, interpantigutional wormhole. And then, you should be able to smell the stuff.

[Metaliturtle]

My 83 z coordinate is locked, I reticulized the 84 zx niner component and got taste-o-vision, that monkey is nast, but metaliturtle tastes kinda like peaches

[Absolut_Zero]

Yeah, I found both my 83 z and 84 zx niner components were locked, so I had to inverse the interpolated metroscopic readings on my gearbox, and attempted to activate the tactronic ovationometer, but failed, and was forced to bypass the security lock on my 83 z coordinate, but, much to my dismay, was left only with the ogasmic spasmatron inverter.

[Metaliturtle]

I just got it to work, using two common household items

1. Hammer
2. Hatred

[Samuel Johnson]

3. Duct tape

[SKILORD]

uhhhh.... yeah

I found that SKILORD smells a bit like fried wires. Thanx for helping me discover this new feature although i did this instead of what you said:

1. Hit the speakers severely untuil they smell funny.

[Metaliturtle]

The scent came out of my woofer,( or I stepped in something really funky)

[Absolut_Zero]

Now don't get me wrong, all that text bullshit's just plain fun, but I feel I've let the story itself go neglected, so, without further machinations, I present to you, the party of the third part.

(Bismark was crestfallen after his descendance to characterhood, but, nonetheless, was still in possesion of the rotting monkey of guilt, of which we shall now explore.)

"I'm just saying, maybe we could, you know, kind of... well, eh... wait just a minute." (Bismark tuned to face the narrator and asked), "Must you speak in parentheses?"

(Why yes, yes I must. I'm better than that stupid poopyhead narrator that we offed.)

"What? You had a hand in that, you evil bastard."

(Thank you, but I tailored the entire story to my whim, and you will now give me the monkey, or be destroyed.)

"Will not."

(Again, thank yo.... you what? I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood, please repeat yourself.)

"It's my monkey, you can't have it."

(Why not)

"Hey, you didn't use a period."

(Yeah, and this guy's already used that joke at least three times in his stories, can't he figure out that it must be wearing a little thin by now.)

"Well apparently not." (long, uncomfortable scilence) "AHEM," (Oh fine!)

(Did too) ((The narrator says in mock enthusiasm.))

"Who in the hell are you?"

((I'm the narrator's narrator)), (yep he narrates my out of speech nuances and thoughts)

"But this guy's never made a character with nuances, or thoughts, or really even substance for that matter. haven't you ever noticed how his stories just seem to be endless strings of sight-jokes and utterly confusing dialogues, which never really seem to go anywhere and usually die off by about the third part."

(I this true?)

((Of cou...))

"Could you please use something other than (()) to speak, it's beginnig to piss me off, with two narrators and all."

(((Three)))

(loud gunshot sounds, third narrator slumps over dead.)

"Hey, why did you say anything? I thought that (()) was the narrator now."

(No, I'm still your narrator, but he's mine.)

"Oh, well that's incredibly goddamn confusing."

/Not really\

"Christ, don't tell me there's another one of you slimey bastards."

/No, I'm the narrator's narrator, but I thought it would be less confusing if I spoke differently.\

"And another thing, have you also noticed that this guy's stories never really have anything to do with civ 3. I mean, aside from a couple of small jokes, this could really involve any character, and the plot, well it seems to have about as much time spent on it as a Mortal Kombat video game. And to add to all of this debotchery, the characters also have way too much knowledge, and treat their advisors like the stuff that gets on the bottom of your shoe in a movie theater, and try as you might, you can't seem to get it off or even figure out what it is, so then you put your foot on the chair in front of you, and try to scrape it off, and then one of the ushers comes in, and bans you from the theater for life, because not only were your feet on the seat in front of you, but, he thinks you're banging his daughter, as he puts it, even though you assure him you really have never seen his daughter, and would never bang her. And upon seeing the look on his face, you also assure him that his daughter is probably very good looking, albeit you've never seen her, and.... and.... uh......"

(Just give me the monkey, will you)

"Sure, (out of breath) why not."


(Now I hold the power, the monkey is mine /Yoink, the third narrator takes the monkey of guilt, and the second narrator jumps off of the cliff to say hello to the first, who is being quite unpleasently drunk at the moment, and...\

"Three things, what's so unpleasant about being drunk, and how can the first narrator be anything at all, aside dead?"

/Well, you see, three things, you ask a glass of water, you'll see, and that was only two things.\

"Well, uh... that was only three things."

/I know, I said that it would only be three things.\

"Someone, get me a copy of the script.. /Bismark recieves the script\ huvheh, weze, dweiwe /Bismark finds the passage he's looking for/ 'Well, you see, three things,' uh... dammit, damn you."

/I finally got my monkey back, but what a bad little monkey, you ran away from me. I guess when we get home, I'll have to spank my monkey.\

That doesn't seem long enough or funny enough to me, but tell me what you think.

[civman2000]

lol:

maybe you could make the next part be 20% about civ3 , but this is great!

[Glytch]

Hmm, you may be right mr. Zero. However, you have committed purgery several times in this particular series alone. It would be more humerous if you had material of your own to flaunt. However, this works well enough; I was left in stitches several times by your insane works of "art".

[Absolut_Zero]

Perhaps, Mr. Glytch, if you wish to get 19th century formal on me, you should do it with the proper finesse of a gentleman, and leave your own purgerous handibugging to yourself. Good day sir!

[Glytch]

Well, Mr. Zero, perhaps I am more tuned into 19th century formal than you, and what you percieve to be 19th century formal is merely saying "good sir" and being polite and such. And possibly, Mr. Zero, I would desist with my purjerous handibugging of your wife, which wasn't handibugging, i was merely manipulating her womb you see, if you would desist with your gross acts of adultery committed with your llama and the microscopic lifeforms in your small intestinal tract. And with this thought, I bid you good day, sir.

[Absolut_Zero]

I haven't posted in a while, but in light of Mr. Glytch's sudden interest, I feel the need for a... duel of fates, (cue dramatic chord).
(And Glytch, I feel purgery is such a nasty word, I like to think of it as plagerism, just kidding, my ideas are my own, and as such, a charlatin like Mr. Glytch, who, by the way, I have never seen post anything on any board, (I frequently check them all, civ related that is) wish to compromise my, "artistic integrity", which I never really believed existed anyway, and another thing... well, perhaps another time, now onto the story.(One more thing, I have decided to take Civman's idea literally, you'll figure it out.)


0%-(for an arbitrary reason, I shall, for the first twenty percent, for get the story line (as if it exsisted), the narrator situation (sure), and the plot (did you ever remember the plot, to begin with)

5%-Bismark, almost obliterrated by Egyptian forces in previous wars, realized that by simply staying peaceful, he had no chance of possibly even catching up to the other tribes by the end of the game. And so, he did what any logical, third-world leader would do, played on the sympathy of some democratic leader. He did not try this at first, though.

11%- First, he attempted to conquer the Greeks, the nation with
only twice his power rating on the histograph, which was a mistake. At the beggining, the first outliers of Greecian cities had little defense against his cossack, (I don't care if the German's can't have them, cause it's my story.) But, Ultimately, as he got closer, building more units along the way, the Egyptians, Americans and Romans, all laid the proverbial smack-down, the holiest of smitation, upon his ass.

19%-Upon giving up on the war, left with only one warrior, and one city, he then recorded a video and sent it to Ol' Abe Lincoln:

21%-First of all, Let's assume that the previous three parts were completely nullified for the rest of this post. Or not. doesn't really matter. The video went as follows (Cue Incredible Hulk walking out music.)

25%-"Sir, I know you must be very busy, but our people need your help, look at this sick boy, he might die an..."

"Really, Mr. Bismark, I'll be just fine. Really."

"No (in hushed tone), you're deathly ill, if you wish to see you goat again. (focusing again on the camera)See how brave this boy is, he will refute his illness to the last momen..."

"But Mr. Bismark, I'm fine, and I don't even have a goat."

32%-"You see, this boy is so delerious with illness, (hushed), guards, hang the boy. (back at camera), the guards will escort the poor little soldier back to his post, I mean, his hospital bed. And that soldier remark, I was of course being metaphorical."

36%-In what is apparently an old, rundown, long-abandoned, flat, that has once served as a whore-house. "Welcome to my throne-room, gentleman. As you may notice, this single room is the pride of my creation, the culmination of thousands of years of what we like to call hearty workmanship, camps for the homeless, and mass grave..yards."

42%-"Salvelabor, death camps of those whose homes you've taken and, well, the grave part really isn't that bad, compared to the rest."

Well that was the half for today, and tommorow, I shall finish the entire thing, damn, it will be short, will it not

[Absolut_Zero]

and with it, my last post to these blasted message boards, which have drained away many of my saturday nights, reading the ineffeble excellence of the prose included, when the time comes, , Well, I'd best not think about it, I shall miss this life, however short mine was.

[Glytch]

May a thousand ants feast upon your left retina, but leave the rest untouched, because you're so damn handsome, Mr. Zero. How dare you leave these people because you think you're better than them. And I bid you good day! Good day forever.

[Absolut_Zero]

I have decided to leave my last post here, my last ever, in order to preserve the story. You see, In future ages, when people look at the hexdecimal and even the binary images and text transposed on our computers, perhaps, in some strange way, my story(ies) will be looked upon and thought of as quasi-worthful piece of work, not finished by some strange twist of fate, or some ghastly illness, but not for the real reason, no, not because I forgot how to be funny, so with this I leave you to my last thoughts:

and Glytch just how handsome could I be with a feasted-upon eye

"Glytch says:
well youd need an eye patch
Glytch says:
but then you'd look like a pirate! just think of it: the rugged adventurer pirate Zero.
Glytch says:
whipping off to plunder another small vessel with royalty on it and making the princess yet again fall in love with him.
Glytch says:
you'd need to stop shaving so you'd have stubble, but keep it trimmed, because long stubble is just wrong."

His feeble attempt to cheer me up.

Thank you all for your kindness and support (except Glytch, the bastard), and I shall truely miss you all (except Glytch). Goodbye (badbye to Glytch

[History Guy]

I wonder what the heck that was all about.

Now, let me go contemplate the meaning of life.

[Metaliturtle]

I too enjoy pie