Time to Take Out the Trash

[unscratchedfoot]

Time to Take Out the Trash

The select indian government ministers took their place on the stage infront of the masses of people. It was Gandhi's idea to host the discussion infront of the nation to increase the people's interest in foreign affairs. Each of the 10 members stood along the back of the stage under the enormous row of speakers overhead as Gandhi stepped up to the mike to speak first. In his right hand he carried the treasured briefcase given to him by Bush as a gift several years before during a visit to his ranch. He had never opened the briefcase in public so it was a great mystery to all what was in it. He laid the briefcase down beside him in his characteristic manner.

The crowd of over 2,000,000 hushed as Gandhi's somewhat feeble and calm voice came from the great speakers which were regularly used in the rock concerts so dear to the new generation. Although the crowd was respectfully silent, few listened because they had heard too many times his boring and repetitive lectures on peace and harmony in the world.

"Loving and gentle people of New Delhi, first I would like to congratulate all of you who work so hard in the fields, mines and factories producing the great quantities of goods our neighbouring nations so righteously request from us regularly. I want you to know how pleased they are with us and look upon us not with eyes of greed as the opposition has claimed so often, but with peaceful and caring eyes loving us as brothers. For Putin himself told me just yesterday, after his latest requisition for gold and indian cotton, that the tender-hearted russians have our every interest in mind. Remember that when you are toiling under the blazing sun in the cotton fields or trying to move a stubborn ox down the crowded streets of Calcutta carrying goods bound for Russia. Remember this as you live in utter poverty, some of you even starving in your own homes while piles of our wheat is being bundled up and sent to feed the russian peasantry."

Gandhi continued, seemingly oblivious to the majority of the crowd drifting off in daydreams,"....violence simply breeds more violence...appeasement is the answer...give the shirt off your back to them before resorting to the sword..."

But then for the first time in his 10 years of leadership, his voice suddenly changed to like that of an enraged siberian tiger, snapping the audience from their stupor. Never before had he ever addressed the nation with such a voice of vengeful anger. Ever since grade school when Gandhi was picked on for being a "scrawny little runt" he had responded to threats by being a "good little boot-licker" as the bullies' leader Bulbeeto had liked to call him.

Gandhi's voice shook the crowd with it's raw passion, "Do you know what the last thing I said to Putin was yesterday? I told him to go break a vodka bottle over his chrome dome! That's right! That's what I said! This is not the way we should live. We must stop being yellow-bellied cowards and stand up! I say to you WAR is the answer! WAR I say! We will kill every man, woman, dog, chicken and cat in that vile cesspool known as Russia!" The crowd became like stone for a moment and then softly at first, rising to a crescendo came the chant, "Gandhi...Gandhi...Gandhi...GANDHI!!" The power of the collective voices echoed into the mountains and over the fields causing the workers there to halt and look up to the sky as if to see the war god Daliwog herself descending from the heavens to wreak vengence upon India's enemies.

The muslim opposition minister, Bulbeeto Gulop, rushed to the mike as Gandhi, euphoric at the effect of his words upon the crowd, retired to the back of the stage. Gandhi particularly hated Bulbeeto, not just because he bore the same name as the bully leader of his painful school days, but because he used every trick he could think of to try and upset Gandhi's popularity with the people. The muslim party had lost the last 4 elections against the hindus and now was no time to give up.

Bulbeeto yelled into the mike to try to be heard over the crowd. "No, this is wrong! We can never survive against Russia! They have massed armies of new heavy tanks and millions of well-equipped soldiers with machine-guns and rocket-propelled grenades on our border. We have only indian knights and swordsmen to hold then back. This is outrageous." The chanting of the crowd died out for Bulbeeto had spoken the awful truth. Gandhi had so relied on appeasement to keep russia happy that there was virtually no army at all to protect india.

Bulbeeto sensed his chance, "Peace and appeasement are the only answer!" Gandhi's euphoria transformed, for Bulbeeto had spoken the hated p-word which had kept Gandhi's hands tied since his early childhood. This coupled with his long-standing and carefully hidden hatred of Bulbeeto, made him commit the galvanizing act. The finale which would forge the people into a deadly war machine living purely to fullfil it's insatiable desire for complete revenge. Gandhi's thumb tightened on the handle of the briefcase pushing the tiny button to set off the speakers roaring with AC/DC's Thunderstruck. Millions of watts of power nearly blew the eardrums out of all in the crowd. Gandhi visciously shook the briefcase causing the sides to fall off, revealing an H&K MPK5 submachinegun with double-sized clip. He leveled the gun at Bulbeeto who stood frozen with fear seeing the vile look of total hatred on Gandhi's once peaceful face. Gandhi let rip the entire magazine into Bulbeeto who appeared to be dancing for the longest moment as the jacketed rounds literally ripped his body to shreds. The front rows of people in the crowd were sprayed across their faces with blood and guts but they seemed not to notice and again began the hyponotizing chant,"..Gandhi...Gandhi...GANDHI..."


A Jolly Little Cup of Tea with the British PM Blair


India had yet to learn how to build airplanes. For them the flying machines were engineering works of arts which they had no hope of ever learning how they worked. The most state-of-the-art thing in India was the cart being pulled by the ox.

Therefore Britain and the United States, both good friends and allies of India, each provided Gandhi with a private jet crewed by their respective nations' people, to bring him to their countries to talk international politics. He was only supposed to use the jet to travel to political meetings overseas but of course Gandhi used it to impress his girlfriends on dates. On the way to London, Gandhi sat in the small jet, earphones blaring the lastest heavy metal from Calcutta, while he passed time on the long flight reading Sun Tsu's Art of War, playing Tekken IV on the Playstation console or just staring out the window at the clouds. His war minister Ballrash swore he saw gandhi mouth the "war" several times with passionate eyes during the time he spent staring out the window.

Many hours later Gandhi and his ministers, minus Bulbeeto, stood before the British Prime Minister Blair and his cronies. Blair opened the discussion with his usual cordial greetings. "Good evening to you Gandhi and welcome to all your surviving ministers. You must be tired after your long flight from New Delhi to London. Place make yourself at home. So Gandhi tell me how are the diligent people of India doing these days."

In Gandhi's mind he thought, "Fool. They are working day and night to pay you for that stupid mutual protection pact which is forcing me to come all the way here just to ask you to get your arrogant behinds in action to help us against the evil russians."

Gandhi, however, chose his spoken words a little more diplomatically, "Tony, how 'bout we just get down to business then? There is an important matter for us to discuss."

Blair's face became solemn for he had been well-informed about both Gandhi's ill-fated meeting with Putin and the juicy speech. News travelled fast in the modern world of cell phones and video conferencing, except in India of course where the fastest means of communication was yelling out your window and hoping to be heard by someone several buildings away.

"Yes Gandhi, we were....we were...stunned by your speech yesterday to say the least. Considering that we are tied to you by our alliance..."

Gandhi's mind filled with anger,"The idiot. He signed that pact just to get our goods and drag my poor country into any war he decided to set off. He has no concern about the welfare of India. I'd like to kick him where it counts."

Blair chose his words carefully, "...we had hoped in your negotiations with Putin you would have aspired to maintain...", but not carefully enough, "peace and harmony...."

Blair was unable to complete the sentence. For he had uttered the dreaded p-word, now forbidden upon pain of death to be spoken anywhere in India or in Gandhi's presence. Gandhi whirled around like a majestic dancer with his robes flowing gracefully through the air, and his hand smacked across the side of Blair's face. The force of the blow in turn made Blair spin around like a figure-skater in a well-practiced routine landing him heavily against the wall. Gandhi considered a follow-up kick to Blair's ribcage as he slumped down to the floor but the other ministers constrained him.

As the British ministers stood horror-stricken with hands over mouths, Blair stood up and quickly regained his composure as if nothing had happened. It would have seemed nothing had happened but for the perfectly deep red outline of Gandhi's hand on the side of Blair's face.

"So we can count on the support of our British allies in the upcoming war can we not?" Gandhi's voice trailed upward in the confidence of a deal in the making.

"Of course. We are bound by the terms of our mutual protection pact so you can expect our full support." Blair spoke words he absolutely would rather not have spoken, silently promising never to make another deal with India again.

In Gandhi's mind there was only satisfaction he had never experienced before in his weak-kneed life as he thought,"Yes and perhaps more than partially convinced by my hand-print on your soddy old face! If he doesn't fullfil the terms of the pact I'll strangle him with a turban dragged through our open sewers!"

[unscratchedfoot]

A Pleasant Afternoon Spent on President Bush's Ranch


Next stop was Bush's ranch. The United States had also signed a mutual protection pact with India and, not unlike Britain, had no worries of India coming to collect payment on it. For Gandhi had paid through the nose for both of the pacts in a form of "indirect appeasement" as opponents in the indian parliament had put it.

On the ranch Bush and his boys were getting geared up for an expectedly intense meeting. They were quite aware of everything that had happened in the jolly meeting in London only hours before and were ready for anything. Rumsfeld was trying to pluck a hair from inside his nose while day-dreaming about what it would be like to drop a daisy cutter bomb on top of Arafat's compound. Bush had just come in from rounding up some cattle and Colin Powell was memorizing a speech he had prepared.

Secretary of State Powell briefed the team on the upcoming meeting. Bush added a warning at the end, "and if anyone mentions the p-word I'll kick your butt all the way from here to Afganistan with my snakeskin boots and leave you there for the locals to take care of."

Gandhi and his tense ministers showed up at the ranch and hardly even glanced at Bush's prized bulls which he was so fond of. Bush, disappointed, put on his best face and greeted the guests. "How all y'all doin anyways? You better watch out for them bulls 'cause they like curry and you smell..."

Gandhi cut him off abruptly, "We're not here to talk cows and bulls. Let's get to the point. You've been briefed I presume about all that's happening?"

Colin Powell began, "Yes Gandhi. First of all I'd like to say that we understand how your people feel and..."

As Powell droned on with his memorized speech Gandhi's mind became agitated, "What a moron he is. He 'understands' how we feel does he? I think he'd understand better if I cracked his potato-shaped head against his buddy Rumsfeld's block and left the 2 of them out in the field to be trampled and gored by the 'prized' bulls. Those big mangy beasts don't look much like prize-winners to me but I'm sure they'd enjoy stomping all over these yo-yo's."

"Shut-up!"

Colin stopped suddenly, his face showing deep concern. "Excuse me Gandhi? I believe its proper proc..."

"Shut-up and listen Colin. Now, India's at war with Russia and I'm hear to make sure you and your texan friend there live up to..."

"Wait. Waaait a minute here." Bush took over, trying to use his influence to instill some sense of dignity on the conversation which was rapidly spiralling out of control. Astonishingly, Gandhi gave in to the interruption. Bush spoke slowly and assuredly, "Up 'til now we've only been hearing how the indian people are so concerned with maintaining peace and..."

Bush had done it. He had spoken the dreaded p-word, instantly dashing all chances of simmering down the heated discussion. Gandhi's mind snapped. His entire nature reeled in disgust at the sound of the nauseating word he had despised since childhood. Gandhi lunged forward hoping to dislocate Bush's chin so he could no longer say such bad words. But Bush was no push-over. He deftly side-stepped to avoid the blow and at the same time struck out with his elbow catching Gandhi square between the eyes. Gandhi's head snapped back making a distinctively loud crack.

"You sawed-off, mouthy little puke!" Bush retorted with the best insult he could come up with in the heat of battle. Gandhi responded by giving him a solid kick in the stomach causing Bush to double over. Bush thought he could take the kick considering he'd been hit by charging bulls and this little runt was hardly a bull, or was he? Gandhi followed up with a chop to the back of Bush's head. Bush, again with the elbow, heaved up from underneath into Gandhi's unprotected groin lifting him clear off the ground.

The other ministers were either too stunned or enjoying the fight too much to interfere, when body guards ran in and broke it up. Both fighters took some time to recover, Gandhi taking a little more time of course, before (if you can believe it) resuming the meeting.

"So now that the fun's over with let's finish this meeting and then have some good ole texan steaks." Bush, always happy to join a little rumble, was back to his usual self in no time.

"We expect the full support of the United States of America in our struggle against the evil communist russians." Gandhi was a little subdued but composed himself well considering.

"Very well. America's never had much love for them commies anyways and this'll be a good excuse to have another good rumble."

[johncmcleod]

I really like this. It's funny... good job!

[unscratchedfoot]

Hello all you fun-loving civers!

Next up Queen Elizabeth makes her debut in the exciting world of "streetfighter diplomacy". After a lively discussion with the beloved hero Gandhi she makes a decision that leaves all who hear it gasping in shock. Even the intreped Gandhi might break a bead, or will he?

Also the russians are coming!

Don't miss this momentous episode or you'll find yourself putting on a mouse costume and jumping into the python display in the local zoo.

[civman2000]

!

[unscratchedfoot]

On the War Path


The party at Bush's ranch went fairly smoothly except for once when another fight almost broke out because Gandhi refused to partake in a texan steak on religious grounds. Bush, learning from recent mistakes, cunningly suggested to Gandhi that if he ate beef he could have a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. At that, Gandhi wolfed down a 12 ounce steak, and loving it so much, ordered a second; the first time anyone had eaten meat in the entire geneology of the Gandhi family line going back for centuries. After that Bush and Gandhi were back to yucking it up and telling cowboy jokes. The highlight was when Bush did an excellent impersonation infront of all the congress members and their wives of his favourite bull named "B-52", complete with snorting, bucking and mating procedures. The bull was named after the famous american B-52 bomber feared for it's enormous payload.

Back in New Delhi it was business as usual for the indian government. Gandhi's satellite phone rang. The phone was a gift from the White House so Gandhi would have something more efficient than elephant courier to communicate with. "Hello Gandhi, this is PM Blair calling from London."

"Tony how's the face?" In fact, after Gandhi's last visit to London, the handmark on Tony's face had gotten darker as the bruise developed which had led to several tiffs with his party members due to the endless corny remarks about it. The comments were the same old puns, "You asked for one too many hand-outs from Mahatma"..."he really handed it to you"..."let's all give poor Tony a hand"..."aww, that's making you handsome"... and on and on.

Blair pushed the question aside and went straight to business, "Fine. I have some bad news for you. Queen Elizabeth nulled the mutual protection pact using her royal sovereign power which can, at her discretion, supercede any decisions made by parliament. She says she just wants to have pea...um...no war. You may think this is unfair but she's not the "rubber stamp" that her predecessors were."

"Tony don't listen to that crazy woman. You tell her to shut her arrogant trap and whip your army over ASAP or I'll put a matching handmark on the other side of your ugly old mug!"

"I'm sorry Gandhi but this matter is out of my hands. You'll have to speak to her yourself."

"Arrange a meeting with her in exactly 10 hours. And tell her I'm not waiting for her to finish a milk bath when I arrive!"

Gandhi angrily snapped the phone shut and barked at his transportation minister Gorakh, "We need to get to the airstrip at the british embassy right away. What's the fastest means you have of getting there?"

"Ox and cart or elephant."

"There must be some horse wagons."

"No sir. All the horses have gone to the army in preparation for the campaign against Russia."

"Any ponies?"

"No sir, our transportation budget can't afford ponies because they're the craze with rich young people now and the price is sky-rocketing."

"Alright. Saddle-up some elephants. Everyone let's go."


On the jet going to London the ministers discussed how to respond to the russian invadors. In the middle of the spacious cabin was a large board on a table showing a strategic map of India with colored markers on it. A thick bunch of red markers indicated the russian hordes spilling over the border and a meager few blue ones showed the indian defensive units. Meanwhile, Gandhi stayed in the corner playing 3d fighting games on the large flat screen generously provided by the british along with the jet. The noise of the games coupled with Gandhi's frequent outbursts of rage and joy made it hard for the 3 ministers to hear each other.

Defense Minister Ballrash began, "We need to come up with a strategy to stop these invadors from devouring our country and enslaving the people. They want our few resources and manpower. Our scouts report they are coming in with 180,000 troops and 2560 tanks plus mechanized infantry units. Latest reports put them at almost half-way through the thick belt of mountains seperating our nations heading towards the Dehra Dun Pass. When they break out of the mountains they will be able to strike Dehra Dun city after a day's march. At that point they will be out of range of their air-support so supply difficulties will slow them down. We have scraped the barrel and managed to place one regiment of our best and latest defensive unit - the eastern pikeman - in each city. Going out to meet the russians we have 3000 swordsmen, 4500 indian knights and a few war elephants."

"What's our army's state of readiness?" Gorakh asked.

"Our horse units are in the best condition. Led by Mufti the rabid sikh, they've been employing training exercises such as 'Horsey Tag', 'Capture the Oats', and 'Turban Grab'. The swordsmen are permanently in a drunken stupor from drinking russian vodka which Putin generously supplies them. All they do is drink and watch samba dancers all day. We have no idea why Putin gives them the vodka."

"There is a grave difference in numbers. How can we possibly stop them?" Secretary of State Gurdeep looked fearfully at the markers.

"We have only to slow them down long enough for America to land on their homeland forcing them to return to defend Russia. The big problem is how to engage them with our middle age era units? Any ideas?"

Gorakh spoke up, "How about we send in the swordsmen first so the tanks waste all their ammo on them and then the horsemen can charge in and finish them off?"

Ballrash looked at him as if he were looking at Bozo the clown, "They have enough ammunition to wipe out most of our cities. Please think of something more sensible."

"Ok. Let's disguise an operative as Putin to go in and give them orders to fight each other!" Gurdeep displayed her total lack of knowledge about war.

"Disguise an indian to look like Putin? Cough! This is getting nowhere. We must ask Mahatma."

"EAT IT!!" Gandhi at that moment had just lost a bout and was gesturing with his middle finger at the gloating fighter on the screen. After some persuasion, he agreed to join the strategy session. Ballrash explained the tactical situation to him in detail, wondering if Gandhi was even listening.

"So Gandhi what should we do? We stand the chance of a toad on a downtown Calcutta street during rush hour."

Gandhi hardly even glanced at the strategic map. He grasped Ballrash's shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. He answered, "Fear not Ballrash for I will lead the horse regiments myself against the russians. C'mon let's have a few fights on Tekken IV and try to relax."

The other ministers gaped in disbelief as Gandhi and Ballrash rushed to the game control pads, but somehow deep down inside for a reason they knew not, there was not fear but a spark of hope. For Gandhi had proven himself against all odds politically and diplomatically and he may even find some way to win the upcoming battle. Or would he go down in a blaze of high explosive tank fire?

[Gangerolf]

[Radiation Zero]

good job

[unscratchedfoot]

Editor's note: please be aware that the Queen Elizabeth in this story is the one from the Civ 3 game, not the current english queen.

High Noon at Buckingham Palace


Gandhi and his 3 ministers approached the grand palace and discussed the upcoming meeting. "Gandhi, do you think you can make it through this meeting without starting a fistfight?" Gurdeep asked.

"I never start fights. I just continue them." Gandhi answered apparently believing it was true.

"Oh I see." Gurdeep looked at him sarcastically.

"Hey Ballrash, what do you know about Queen Elizabeth?" Gandhi seemed to be anticipating the meeting turning hot.

"Well she's 33 years old and 121 pounds giving her an 11 pound weight advantage over you as well as being younger."

"No, a 10 pound advantage. I gained a pound so now I'm 110 since I started my steak-eating program and I'm following an Arnold workout book." Gandhi was always quite defensive about his seemingly weak physique. "She had any fights?"

"Yeah she's got a couple of fights under her belt. One was with Putin at the nuclear arms control meeting 3 months ago. It was basically a hair-pulling contest which ended fairly quickly. Apparently Putin didn't have much hair for her to grab." Ballrash kept himself well-informed for Gandhi relied heavily on him for all kinds of information.

"What about the second?" Gorakh asked like a mouse squeaking out of a hole. Gorakh was really quite scared of fights and tended to hide behind large pieces of furniture whenever Gandhi went into action.

"The second was with Tony Blair in a routine parliamentary meeting last month. They exchanged several slaps and Tony went down after a hard right and a backhand from Elizabeth."

Gandhi shook his head and snickered, "Tony was slapping again was he? What a sissy." Gandhi had obviously forgotten who had done the slapping last time they met.

At the bottom of the stairs to the palace a group of punks lounged around enjoying various stimulants. They had the usual ripped jeans, black leather jackets, lotsa chains, and colorful mohawk hairdos. One of them fondled a spiky metal ball connected to a heavy chain and gave Gandhi the evil eye. Gandhi walked past them in his traditional white robes and sandles pushing out his bony chest trying to look macho while the punks grinned evily and chuckled to each other thinking about how easy it would be to flatten the strange little entourage. It was easy to underestimate Gandhi going by looks.

Going up the stairs Gandhi told Ballrash, "After we get inside have a look around in the hallways and rooms to see what the security situation is like. I don't care about any part-time security wimps; I'm concerned that some of them SAS dudes might be hanging around. Tell anybody you meet you're just looking for a washroom."

"Uh, what if there's a washroom right next to the conference room?"

"Just say that one smells too bad since Tony used it. You're a smart guy - just make excuses."

"Roger that."

As usual, they were politely asked to wait for about an hour and were allowed to tour the palace accompanied by royal guards. Gandhi slipped into a bureaucrat's office to try using a computer for the first time in his life.

The indian team shuffled into the fabulously decorated conference rooms. Bronze statues of famous british generals lined the back of the room. A solid oak table about 40 feet long was surrounded by plush leather chairs impeccably maintained by the palace servants. On the far side of the table sat members of the royal family including Queen Elizabeth, Prince Andrew, Prince Charles, Princess Anne and royal children Harry, Henry, Beatrice and Eugenie. Also there was PM Blair, not looking happy with the hand-shaped bruise on his face, and a couple of his ministers.

Servants directed them to their seats across from the english. Gandhi was directly across from Elizabeth who looked at him with a dour, bored expression. Ballrash came in after, sat down next to Gandhi and whispered, "No sign of any SAS."

[unscratchedfoot]

Hello readers!

I stopped at this point because I though we could have a bit of fun.

I'm not saying a Gandhi vs Elizabeth fight here is guaranteed but it's got good potential considering the developing situation. Gandhi is upset about waiting for her to finish her milk bath (assumed to be the cause of the wait). Elizabeth thinks the meeting is a waste of time and that Gandhi is a dweeb. In addition her nasty attitude and Gandhi's hair-trigger temper give extra potential. Basically, it's like throwing a match at an open keg of gunpowder and wondering if it will explode.

To get to the point, I want to hear what you think! Who will win the fight if one breaks out: Gandhi or Elizabeth? To help you decide, you've heard Elizabeth's statistics, and as for Gandhi, he easily beat Tony who was a wimp and held his own admirably against Bush who's pretty tough. Also remember that Elizabeth is cunning and sly so she may have some dirty tricks up her sleeve!

So let's hear what you think!

[civman2000]

Elizabeth dies in the fight. THen the alliance starts to collapse...

[spiky82]

have a brawl almost break out...at the exact point where ghandi tries to hit liz, have a buch of sas guys come outa nowhere and whack him silly...the new ghandi is cool, but he needs a bita attitude lesson

[johncmcleod]

I disagree...I think it will be one of those dumb girl power things and Liz will beat Ghandi. Unscratchedfoot-please make ghandi win.

[unscratchedfoot]

Oh yeah, and one more factor in the equation I forgot to mention is the presence of the royal family. It's uncertain whether or not they would join in a conference room brawl.

[The Bloody Baro]

Ghandi suddenly takes a terd from so much stake and shoves it down Lizes throat!!!

[unscratchedfoot]

Editor's note: Let's stop talking and get it on!


High Noon at Buckingham Palace (Continued)


"Hello Gandhi, you're so cool!" chimed the little princesses Beatrice,13, and Eugenie,12, at the far end of the table. Anne admonished them sternly, and although out of his hearing range, Gandhi could have sworn he had heard the word "madman".

"Yeah, Gandhi kicks butt!" rebellious little Henry added his 2 bits and was rewarded with a cuff to the back of the head.

Gandhi responded with a goofy face and a pathetic biceps pose while Elizabeth watched him from across the table with extreme disgust, not realizing that Gandhi's childish mentality was a big hit with the kids.

Gandhi surveyed the royal family and his eyes rested on Princes Andrew and Charles. His mind was active as usual, "So these are the fabled princes are they? Aren't princes supposed to be handsome and charming? These two are uglier than the north-facing end of a south-bound camel. Andrew's got bloodshot eyes - I guess the topless party last night went on a little too long. How nice it would be if the fortunes you wasted on luring all those airhead women to your mansion were spent on feeding and educating indian children. These slobs deserve to be beaten like rented mules."

"Yo, waiter!" No one had told Gandhi the difference between a waiter and a palace servant. Gandhi also had no idea that each of these humble workers' made more money in one month than the entire annual military budget of India.

"Yes, sire. How may I serve you?"

"How 'bout serving some fresh coffee to our english friends. They're looking a little tired. And maybe some juice for the kids."

"As you wish sire. The queen, however, prefers milk if I may say so."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say there buddy."

"Shall we commence this meeting? You came a long ways. I'm sure you'd like to go back soon wouldn't you?" Elizabeth spoke in her usual arrogant, bored tone.

"First I just want to say that we were not too pleased at having to wait for you to finish your dumb milk bath again. How much milk do you use for one bath anyways?"

"Oh I'm soooo sorry you had to wait. One of my baths takes 62.8 litres of milk if you must know."

"Do you know how many malnutritous indian children would benefit from having that milk?"

"Bottle it up and send it to them. I haven't drained the tub since my last bath yet."

"Whose gonna wanna drink milk your sloppy body's been in?" Tony's ears pricked up at Gandhi's protest. "Anyways I've been told you want to jam out of the alliance just as we need your support."

"Oh no. We aren't "jamming out" as you say. We just aren't prepared to go to war now. Our ground forces are thinly spread over our grand empire and we simply can't afford to join in your little adventure. I'm sure even you can understand this simple logic."

"Why? The so-called princes Andrew and Charles need more money to entertain women on their overseas trips?"

The two princes faces went scarlet and they clenched the edge of the thick oak table. The indian ministers eyed each other nervously behind Gandhi's back, sensing that a fight was brewing.

"Now, now. There's no need to talk like that. Charles and Andrew take it easy. So Gandhi, if there's nothing more to discuss shall we end this discussion?" Liz, despite her arrogant, vain persona had considerable diplomatic skills that could play with ambassadors' emotions and whims like pulling strings on puppets.

"Before you go, I just want to show you some pictures I printed off the net just now. Your beaurocrats had thoughtfully book-marked several sites with names like 'Liz and Hugh get down to business', 'Liz goes on a ride with Tony'..."

"Oh pulleeeeze! Can't you see that those are altered pictures? Anyone with a paint program can change faces and words in a picture. I can't believe you've gone this low."

The indian ministers shuffled their chairs away from Gandhi's vicinity, trying not to be noticed.

"This is the advice Bush gave me when I told him about the way you let us down in the alliance. He said it was 'the american way of doing business'."

"Bush! What an imbecile he is!"

Gorakh broke into a sweat.

"I'm sure if these pictures' authenticity were guaranteed by the indian government, media companies all over the world would be delighted to have copies sent to them. Not to mention other world leaders." Gandhi continued with the strategy Bush had worked out for him in advance.

Elizabeth felt herself slipping into uncontrollable rage. Her mind raced to both control her emotions and find a way out of the corner Gandhi was painting her into. At that time, Gorakh scurried out of the room under the pretense of needing to use the men's room. He escaped to a small nearby room, feeling somewhat relieved. He looked around and found an interesting black metal box with various buttons and lights on it to play with. He wondered which button he would push first...

Back in the conference room, Liz realized that Gandhi was on the verge of destroying her reputation and career. She would be humiliated by every newspaper, magazine and talk show around the world. Unfettered rage boiled up inside her. She choked out the words, "You evil, pathetic, scrawny little runt!"

She could not have chosen a worse thing to say.


*********************************************

more coming up shortly!

[unscratchedfoot]

Emergency Meeting in the Kremlin


While the meeting in Buckingham Palace smoothly progressed, Bush called for an emergency meeting with Putin to try and end Russia's invasion of India before it was too late. He was also concerned about the american people who had no tolerance for casualties which made it difficult for Bush to back-up his good friend Gandhi.

In the Kremlin, Bush, Powell and Rumsfeld shook hands with Putin and his defense minister Sergei Ivanov. The mood was good with many smiles and warm greetings. "Bush, it's nice of you to drop by. How's old B-52 doing? The big fellow nearly flattened us last time we visited your place there." Putin invited them to sit down.

Bush laughed respectfully and silently wished B-52 had finished the job. They sat down and began the meeting. "As you know we're here to discuss ways to avoid a war between Russia and India. Our pact with India will force us to reluctantly support our ally and you know what that means."

"Yes Bush. Russia has nothing against America and we earnestly wish you would stay out of this whole affair. Regrettably, I cannot halt the invasion as India has rudely refused to supply us with the goods, mostly cotton and wheat as well as some luxury items, we require from them." Putin spoke matter-of-factly.

"Putin, you're not giving them anything in return and their people are starving and illiterate because of the burden you impose on them."

"That's not true. We supply their army with generous quantities of vodka. Besides, we've been requisitioning goods from them for centuries. Why should we stop now? It makes no sense. We need their goods because 60% of our GNP goes to supporting our powerful army."

"You must realize that's not fair to the indian people."

"Oh c'mon now. What do you care about those backward barbarians led by that anorexic bonebag, Gandhi? Why don't you join us in punishing those fools and we can share their land. Think of all the dirt-cheap labor waiting to be exploited."

"Putin, you say one more bad thing about Gandhi or the indian people and I'm gonna take my snakeskin boots to ya."

"Gandhi's a freak. What do you see in the guy anyways?"

"Alright that's it." Bush lunged across the table hoping to grab Putin by the throat and throttle him. Putin grasped his arm and tried to break it - a trick he had learned in the KGB. Bush rolled over on the table and twisted his arm free. Like he had seen in many Jackie Chan movies, he tried to flip backwards off the table, kick Putin and land on two feet. However his dexterity wouldn't allow the fancy move and he ended up doing an awkward spasm and landed sprawled on the floor at Putin's feet.

Putin, always the opportunist, took advantage of his position to give Bush a hefty kick in the side. Bush, not liking it much, jumped up, put Putin in a headlock and started hammering him in the face. Putin lifted up Bush's leg and suplexed him backwards. The back of Bush's head came down hard on the edge of the table, but before going down he prudently kicked Putin in the head knocking him over a chair and onto the ground.

"Turdface!" It was Bush's fighting characteristic to always insult his opponents, though somewhat uncreatively. As he got off the floor, he picked-up a chair to smash over Putin's chrome dome.

As the two fighters struggled to their feet, Ivanov stepped between them with his arms outstretched in each direction. "Stop the fight. Let's sit down like grown adults and discuss the issue maturely."

Bush kicked Ivanov in the balls as hard as he could and let him have the chair over his head. Seeing the unfair 2-on-1 situation, Powell joined in by jumping on Ivanov's back and strangled him savagely. Ivanov elbowed Powell in the side but it had no effect on his bear-like body.

The now weaponless Bush approached Putin as Powell finished-off Ivanov. Putin gave no sign of relenting. "You redneck cowboy! You have achieved nothing by coming here. We will crush India and enslave the people. If you try to land on mother Russia your soldiers will be annihilated by our armies of heavy tanks. Take that message back to your people and get out of here!"

Bush saw no point in continuing the meeting and left the Kremlin with his ministers. He and Rumsfeld had to struggle to pull Powell off of Ivanov.

Putin, with a nice black eye forming, declared to a wounded Ivanov, "I will avenge this slight by leading the heavy tank army into India myself. The foolish indians have no means of destroying tanks. It will be a turkey shoot."

_____________________________________________

Here we can see the opening moments of the meeting when Bush shook hands with Ivanov.

[GeneralTacticus]

[civman2000]

[unscratchedfoot]

here is nothing (upload screwed up)

[The Bloody Baro]

!!!!

[unscratchedfoot]

here is nothing

[Kingof the Apes]

Great story!

[unscratchedfoot]

Showdown in Buckingham Palace


Gandhi and Queen Elizabeth glared at each other from across the table. The mood was tense; malice hung in the air.

"You got a real foul mouth, you know that woman?" Gandhi said.

"You're telling me. Should've seen her when she tried to break-up my jacuuzi party last night!" Prince Andrew made his first, however unintelligent, contribution to the meeting while Charles nodded in agreement in the background.

"Oh shut-up you bumbling moron. Have you, or Charles for that matter, ever said anything of value in a diplomatic meeting? Do you realize that the lives of millions of people will be affected by the results of this meeting? We need to work together to come up with an answer to this problem of the alliance we are unable to support." Liz let out some of her pent-up frustration at how Andrew never backed her up in meetings.

Andrew responded by grabbing Liz's hair and slammed her head into the table. Liz, having previous experience in hair-grabbing tussels, knew just what to do. She knocked over the cup of steaming hot coffee infront of Andrew onto his shirt. As he panicked to push away the cup spilling down on him, Liz continued her attack with a crisp slap across his face.

Charles, never too fond of Liz, stood up and delivered a mean kidney punch to her exposed back. Blair jumped up and tried to hold back Charles by the ears while Charles counter-attacked with a well-placed elbow to Blair's solar plexus. Princess Anne also looked as though she was considering joining the fray to throw a few slaps of her own. Gandhi squealed with delight as he watched the developing situation. He grabbed onto the sides of his chair in preparation to throw it at the mingled combatants.

Ballrash was always calm even in moments of great calamity. For this reason he was entrusted with keeping Gandhi's deadly briefcase during negotiations. One does not want to imagine what could happen if Gandhi had access to it during arguments with other world leaders. Ballrash restrained Gandhi, "Stay out of this circus and prove to the world your magnanimity." To his astonishment Gandhi actually took heed of his words of wisdom.

Just when it seemed the whole royal family was going to have it's own little battle royal, scores of palace guards armed with their traditional muskets and adourned in bright red uniforms and bearskin hats, poured into the room and quickly separated the fighters. Liz lashed out with one last kick at Andrew's beer belly as no less than four guards dragged her away kicking and screaming.

With the fight over, the meeting was adjourned and Gandhi tried on one of the guards' bearskin hats. Everyone had a good laugh at the ridiculous sight but despite all the smiles and laughing, the failure of Gandhi to convince the british to support India against Russia loomed over the indian team as they made their way back to the jet. India could only rely on the United States to help stop the invaders, and help from them could take months to come from overseas.


The contingent of royal guards which stopped the fight march outside the palace.

[unscratchedfoot]

The Battle of Dehra Dun Valley

If this is what war is like we should do it more often.

Mahatma Gandhi spoke these immortal words just as he loped off a soldier's arm with his broadsword during the battle of Dehra Dun Valley, not realizing the unfortunate victim was one of the horsemen under his own command. Such was the confusion and mayhem on that dusty battlefield.

-------


The border between India and Russia was made up of a thick mountainous pass which provided something of a natural protective barrier between the two nations. At one point the mountain chain became thin owing to a wide valley leading to the bustling city of Dehra Dun famous for it's ivory and dye. It was through this weak point in the barrier that russian forces had invaded a virtually defenseless India.

Charged with defending against the communist hordes was a motley and utterly obsolete collection of swordsmen, eastern knights (no armour, carrying a lance and broadsword) and a few war elephants. There were three divisions: the muslim swordsmen led by Nawab, hindu horsemen led by Gandhi, and the once-feared sikh horsemen led by Mufti. The divisions were organized by religion to avoid internal strife.


A sikh military camp gets geared up for the coming battle.

The indian divisions totalling about 8000 men assembled in the valley blocking the russian advance into Dehra Dun city.

On the other end of the valley the russians formed up to take on the indians. They totalled 180,000 modern infantry and 2650 tanks including the powerful new heavy tank plus mechanized infantry vehicles. They were led by General Sturmovinsky and Putin himself.

Putin addressed Sturmovinsky, "Place a company of mechanized infantry vehicles around my command tank. I want spetsnaz special forces to man those IFV's. Their purpose is to guard myself as the loss of the supreme leader could be embarrassing to mother Russia as I'm sure you understand."

Sturmovinsky chuckled, "I can assure you that the safest place on the planet is going to be your command tank. These specialists will be armed with the highest tech weapons available including the kalashnikov AK47-Spetsnaz, high power sniper rifles and rocket launchers. The best thing the enemy has are medieval horsemen armed with lances and we outnumber them better than 20-to-1. I'm mostly concerned the men will be disappointed with the lack of action."

"Well stay alert. I will be first in command so you will be following my orders during battle. Make sure the tanks don't open fire until I pass the order. And don't worry about the men. I've got some fun planned for them once we take Dehra Dun."

"Absolutely sir."

Standing up in the hatch of his heavy tank, Putin looked through his binoculars and observed the indians. They were already riding out to meet the russians. Putin silently admired their bravery knowing they would be killed to a man. He almost dropped the binocs in shock upon seeing one figure in white robes out infront of the pack. It was Gandhi! How could they so foolishly throw away their beloved leader?"

Gandhi rode his horse exceptionally well for he had been a Turban Grab champion during his 2-years of military service. Ironically, it was his promise to abolish conscription that got him voted into power the first time. On this day riding out infront of his men, he looked magnificient with his robes flowing in the wind and kicking up clouds of white dust. He was lucky that from afar no one could see the crusted-on curry stains from his beef curry lunch.

They ground was covered in fine white sand and jagged rocks. Normal horses would have stumbled at times on the uneven ground, but the indian horses were the pride of the army and well used to the local terrain.

The russian tanks, not having to fear return fire, lined up out in the open as if in a Red Square parade. "When I give the command unleash hell." Putin ordered his general over his com set. "What's the range?"

"3000 meters...2500...2000"

"Fire one volley!" All the tanks in their parade formation all fired at the same time at the approaching horsemen. The powerful blasts jolted the turrets back on their suspensions emitting a horrendous roar.

Gandhi saw the flickering along the rows of neatly lined tanks. For a moment he wondered what kind of lights those were and then he realized they were being fired at. "This is going to hurt." he thought.

Gandhi looked sideways at his advancing horsemen just as the shells erupted among them. The shells arrived before the report startling those lucky enough not to be hit. The whole line was lit up in a blaze of exploding animals and shattered bodies. The scene reminded Gandhi of the delicious tomato soup his mother used to make for him when he came home from school. He smiled as the naustalgic scene warmed his heart.

They rode on undaunted by the slaughter of their comrades. An officer rode up beside Gandhi, "Sir, the sikh horsemen have stopped!"

"Why!? I'll have Mufti boiled in corn oil if he chickens out!"

"Sir, it appears his turban fell off during the charge and he stopped to get it."

Gandhi ordered his men to stop and he wheeled around and headed towards the sikhs. Mufti was too busy fiddling with his turban to notice Gandhi approaching from behind. "Commander!! Look out behind you!" His men warned him a moment too late.

Gandhi grabbed Mufti by his long, greasy hair and reefed him out of his saddle. Mufti landed hard on the sharp rocks and howled in pain and anger. The sikhs and hindus were traditionally enemies and Gandhi was doing his best to display his disgust at Mufti's cowardice.

Mufti's men were blinded by rage and set upon Gandhi to avenge their leader. Gandhi's broadsword flashed in the bright sunrays and three sikh heads flew in sommersaults through the air. The hindu horsemen backed up their leader by charging into the mutinous sikhs. A general melee developed. Swords clashed, body parts flew and dust clouds billowed up adding extra confusion with a thick fog of war.

Gandhi went into a frenzy and made the immortal quote about liking war (mentioned earlier), and having lost track of who's who in the fog, attacked both friend and foe alike. His broadsword made like a blade in a juicer among the swirling mass of horsemen. To make matters even worse, the muslim swordsmen finally caught up to them and joined in the melee making it a 3-way slaughterhouse.

Putin watched through his binoculars, sharing the confusion of the battling indians. For awhile he could not understand why they were fighting each other while on the doorstep to oblivion.

"Supreme commander, shall we fire another volley?" Sturmovinsky's voice came up on the com set.

"No. An easy task has just become mindlessly simple. The indians will destroy themselves. We can save our ammo for Dehra Dun."

"Do you know why they are doing this? Have they gone mad after seeing what our shells can do to them?"

"From what I see Gandhi's selling out on his country. He's going to join us. This will aid immensely in the subjugation of the indian people."

"Sir are you saying he's betraying his people?"

"That's what I'm saying. We'll just sit tight until he finishes up his business there."

Sure to Putin's prediction, the few surviving sikhs broke away from the fight and rode off to save their skins. Hindu horsemen cut down many a retreating sikh and muslim.

[unscratchedfoot]

Gandhi was only able to summon a dozen of his men from those who were madly charging after the fleeing sikhs and muslims. "Men, listen up. We are the only ones left to stop the russians. We are few and the enemy many. But don't let doubt into your minds for the brave must prevail. Remember that war is the answer to India's problems! It's time to take out the trash! Remember the way you and your loved ones toiled for generations to appease them. Follow me now into the valley of death and we will punish those commie bullies! Let's give them a taste of indian steel!"

The men cheered wildly and their spirits were bolstered by Gandhi's brave words. They charged on to "finish-off" (as Gandhi had in mind) the russians.

Putin continued watching the small band of indians approaching. The black eye Bush gave him made it difficult to see through binoculars but he promised to return the courtesy in his next meeting with the 'cowboy president'. "Yeah, he's coming to join us for sure. He would never attack with such a tiny force. Sturmovinsky, order the spetsnaz to keep them in their sights just in case Gandhi gets roudy like he often does in negotiations."

When the indian "army" was within hearing range, Putin addressed them in impeccable english (Gandhi had no knowledge of russian whatsoever), "Gandhi, you are wise to join our just cause. You will live a life of ease and indulgement in the sunny, tropical caucasus as your reward! You will be a hero of Russia."

"Huh? Who? You talkin to me?"

"Step down and let us talk like men who see eye to eye. Don't worry about my men. They are following my commands." Putin smiled warmly at Gandhi as he arrived infront of the line of bristling tanks and amoured infantry carriers covered in spetsnaz special forces. At least a thousand troops had Gandhi and his men in their sights.

Putin wondered why Gandhi wasn't slowing down, but then he finally stopped next Putin's command tank. Gandhi proceeded to detach a briefcase from the back of his saddle.

Putin wondered, "Why would he bring a briefcase to a battle?.....Wait, where have I seen that briefcase before?...."

Gandhi held it in his right hand at his side.

"The video of his famous speech..."

Gandhi started to shake it.

"...Bulbeeto...It was the mystery briefcase!"

"All units open fire! I say, all units open fire now!" Putin dove into his hatch hoping to avoid being shot while Gandhi shook away the sides of the briefcase to reveal the H&K MPK5 submachinegun his buddy Bush had given him.

It seemed that the whole world burst into a cacophony of machine gun and rifle fire. The horsemen who had accompanied Gandhi in his charge "into the valley of death" were instantly blown to bits by the murderous barrage of fire.

Gandhi, always the heroic rider, slid down the side of his saddle away from madly firing spetsnaz to let his stallion block the incoming rounds. He held the barrel just over the back of his stallion and fired off a burst at the spetsnaz troopers grouped-up on top of the nearest armoured infantry carrier. Several of the troopers jerked as the rounds caught them and they flopped to the ground writhing in agony at their wounds. One of the troopers had just pulled the pin on a grenade and was winding up to throw it as he was hit. The grenade fell backwards out of his hand and into the open hatch next to him. It cooked off inside the vehicle in turn setting off the ammo inside and blowing it up. Shrapnel from the blast took out scores of soldiers packed on top of neighbouring IFV's.

The wall of fire turned Gandhi's stallion into well-ground hamburger and some of the armour-piercing AK47 rounds blew all the way through the animal and into Gandhi's gaunt frame. Gandhi, sensing the end was near, had only one thought in his mind, "Got to...get off...one...more...burst at them."

As the stricken animal started to fall sideways, Gandhi reached around the front of it and let off one final burst at a spetsnaz special forces member standing and firing a couple of metres away. Gandhi's vision gradually blurred as his lifeforce left him but he could just see his rounds walk their way up the trooper's body causing him to do a kind of dance as the rounds blew through him. It reminded him of Bulbeeto's last moments at the juicy speech and the warm memory left a smile on his face as he drifted away.

"Cease fire!" Putin and Sturmovinsky jumped off their tanks to inspect the carnage. Putin was almost moved to tears as he thought, "He had a clean shot at me just before I dove into the hatch, but he didn't take it. Why did he fire at my troops instead?" Then Putin realized the truth. He had intended to take on the entire russian army by himself. Putin took a moment to digest this incredible act.

"Fall in line!" Sturmovinsky gathered the men for Putin had message to give them.

"Soldiers of Mother Russia. We have seen today the ultimate act of bravery. This man felt no fear as he engaged an army of 180,000 men with only 12 of his own. He could have killed me but chose not to because he believed somehow he could win against all odds. If all of you had the bravery of him, Russia would know no enemies! Let's all salute this man!"

--------

Aftermath

The russians carried on to Dehra Dun city and leveled it with artillery and tank fire to make an example of it. Hundreds of thousands perished in the bombardment. The red army carried on into India and city after city paid huge bribes, often taken from all the people's stores of food and few luxury goods, to pay them not to destroy them. Upon payment the russians spared the cities but soon after put them under the cruel yoke of forced labour to help supply Russia in it's expanding war.

American managed to convince Japan and China (with some help from Bush's snakeskin boots) to join it's crusade against Russia. China used endless attacks of infantry and light tanks directly against Russia while the American armada landed a collosal army in India to liberate it from the communists. Bush was criticised by military advisors for needlessly drawing out the war by not landing in Russia itself. It was obvious to all that Bush was motivated by his remorse for his fallen friend.

*********************************************

this story is finished

[civman2000]

good ending! It is just a bit anticlimactic though i think

[Timeline]

Nice story I really liked it!

In loving memory . . .

[unscratchedfoot]

Following the liberation of India, american and russian government members met to try and hash out a peace agreement. At first the russians were reluctant to make peace until Bush threatened to strangle Igor Ivanov (Igor is the bald, fat gentleman seated on the left side of the photo)..



Here we can see Bush's adrenaline starting to flow and his hands getting ready to make a grab for Ivanov's throat.

[Zanzin]

rofl....great story!!