Our Land

trickey · June 9, 2002, 17:24

Ok, this is my first story. I know it isn’t very good, but I would really appreciate if people would critique it so I can have something to go on for some other stories. Enjoy!
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WASHINGTON, AMERICA

Lincoln looked down at the piece of paper presented before him. How could he of let this happen?

He knew when he signed it, it would get him nothing except maybe a bit of time. He knew Bismak would stop at nothing. But what choice did he have? He looked over at Bismak, smiled a fake smile, and put his pen to the paper ending all hopes of an American resistance.

LONDON, ENGLAND

“Greetings friends.” Elizabeth smiled, “as you may or may not know, the Americans have surrendered to the Germans. They were our most powerful ally, now we must fight their men. No more nations can be allowed to fall at the hands of that warmonger Bismak”

“But he can’t be stopped, his offence is too quick and strong, their defence rock solid. We should surrender now to prevent casualties” proclaimed Cleopatra.

The debating went on for hours with no solution fixed. The world was in no better shape then it was when the meeting started.

WASHINGTON, AMERICA , TWO WEEKS LATER

“So this is it, isn’t it Jack?”

“Yeah Curt, this is it. This is the start of us winning our freedom back. This is where it all begins.” answered Jack

They knew they had no chance of rebelling against the German army. Although the Americans had officially surrendered only two weeks ago, Germany had been in control for almost a year now. The people of New York were getting sick of the German soldiers waking around THEIR home territory. Now some of them decided to try to do something about it.

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Constructive criticism would be appreciated.

Thanks, trickey

(more to come if you like)

trickey · June 10, 2002, 17:57

bump.. even if it sucks (which i know it does) please tell me why

Metaliturtle · June 10, 2002, 18:29

it is boring, liven it up with an orgy or a lot of pie, both seemed to work for me.

trickey · June 10, 2002, 19:03

lol, ok thanks for being honest

Metaliturtle · June 10, 2002, 19:09

no problem, stories are trickey, just like you

SultanofATL · June 11, 2002, 16:53

Hey good luck on your first story.... I don't agree with Metali. I think the beginning of your story just needs to be fleshed out a little more. I'm interested, but I just don't have enough information to hook me just yet. Maybe you could give a description of the state of the world as it is to begin your story. Your introduction to Lincoln is good. I think I like him already. Elizabeth doesn't get as good of an introduction. Why is she(or England) qualified to stand up to the menace Bismarck. Your story is not boring just not detailed enough to get people to care about what your leading to. I hope this isn't offensive to you.

trickey · June 13, 2002, 16:26

not at all, i appriciate the time you took to read and critique my story.