My 1st Story

Space05us · June 13, 2002, 01:10

It had been many years since the last time he had seen her, he could still remember the look upon her face. She had cried for so long. She wanted to go with him, but it couldn't be done a woman could not be brought to the front... but now all that remains is her mutilated body and her once fine robes woven from the finest of silks. "I will have revenge!" He thought to himself as he held her tightly in his arms. He cried for so long that night, he cried like she had for him. She had known that this would happen yet he didn't listen, he was too busy playing soldier... it was too late now. He mounted his horse and rode off taking with him the one thing he had left of her, a piece of her robes.

As he rode up to camp the Generals face was filled with sadness, he too had lost his family, they all had. He went to his tent not bothering to check in with his commander, he knew it wouldn't be neccesary not for tonight anyway. He slept uncomfortably for the next few nights, before she came to him in a dream and told him it was going to be okay soon they would be togather. When he awoke he remembered nothing from the night before all he knew was that he was feeling better, oddly enough a lot better.

"We got word from the capital that we're needed again at the front. You know what this means go get your men and break camp." He overheard the General talking to the commanders, he never tought it such a great idea to put the latrine right behind the Generals tent. When he got back to his tent he recieved the order to break camp and obeying them like he always had he did just that. Packing up everything took nearly the entire day, mostly due to the fact that when they broke camp they made the area spotless so no one would know they had been there. They mounted thier horse a little past noon and set off toward the front. "Some rest that was" he couldn't help thinking to himself "We got to go back home to bury our dead..." He slouched, he couldn't help still feeling sad after all he lost his only reason for fighting his only reason for living...

A scout came runnig into the clearing where the camp once was. Swiftly he looked about himself, then he ran off into some bushes in a squirrle like manner. As he came back he had something in hand, it was a piece of robe. He handed it to his leader. "Good work, the King shall be pleased"
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Okay this is my first serious attempt at writing a story tell me what you think. If you say good thing I'll continue it if you say bad things I'll continue it anyway.

Jaguar · June 13, 2002, 02:34

But it needs more explanations. Exactly what happened to his wife/girlfriend? What civ are they? Who are they at war with? What are the relative strengths of the civs? You get the idea.

civman2000 · June 13, 2002, 07:17

It's good as a teaser. Having a flashback might be good nest to explain stuff, but I don't reallly think i's that necessary.

unscratchedfoot · June 13, 2002, 08:42

Yeah keep the story coming. It's a good start for sure. You might want to start adding some names of people and build up their character images, you know, like personality and unique habits, etc.

Metaliturtle · June 13, 2002, 12:52

Yeah, work on making your characters more real, definitely give at least the main ones names, also, with dialogue, it's much easier to read if you set it alone, (you also don't get massive blocks of writing that make reading feel like a chore)