Post your jokes here!

[Sirotnikov]

Several more:

LESSIES FAIRE CAPITALISM You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as
collateral.
(help me find a better title for this)

PERESTROIKA You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market

OLYMPICS-ISM You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp)divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials,though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

REAL COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation

AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM: Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze on privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of clever and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy meat, you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses because there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management uses your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally" on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and resources are cheap.

CAPITALISM AND FREE ENTERPRISE: You have two cows. Your neighbors also own resources. You sell the milk at a fair price, taking into consideration the cost to raise and take care of your cows and take care of your family, and also add a fair profit so you can expand your operations and buy more cows. Part of your income is used to buy things (to take care of your family) from your neighbors who have done likewise. As your operation grows, you hire some of your neighbor's kids to help you milk the cows, and you pay them so that they can learn how to take care of themselves, learn the benefit of work, and also learn how to operate a business. Meanwhile your neighbors are doing the same thing. The economy grows.

CLINTON's NEW CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull; take out huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the cow and the loan from that point on; then you try to milk the bull, and blame the Japanese for its lack of production.


AMERICAN REPUBLICANISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? You have the guns to protect them.

SOCIAL DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

HUMANIST DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

FRENCH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

BRITISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

BRAZILIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. They live in poverty and win the world cup every 4 years.

INDIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

CHINESE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them

JEWISH CAPITALISM: They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

ISRAELI DEMOCRACY: They found their own state, create an army, secure their borders and buy 3 billion dollars worth of arms from you for 3 billion dollars you gave them. They know everything that goes on.

SOUTHERN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

AFGHANI DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You force them to stay in, wear black long clothes and cover their udders.

THEOCRACY: You have two cows. The church takes one as tax and you have to sacrifice the others.

[The Vagabond]

In a mental hospital, one patient made a habit of terrorizing his peers by threatening "to differentiate" them. He comes up to the his victim, tosses two fingures in front of him and says: "I'll differentiate you!" Everyone got scared to death. One day a new patient arrives.

Troublemaker: I'll differentiate you!!
New patient: Huh, I don't give a damn. I am an exponent of x.

**********************************

A naked lady takes a taxi. They start off. The driver keeps looking at her in the mirror.

Lady: Why are you staring at me so strangely??
Driver: I'm just thinking where you can possibly have your money.

*************************************

At one of their meetings Brezhnev and Carter decide to run a 100 m race, just for fun. Carter wins. Next day the Soviet newspapers report:

Comrade Brezhnev was the second, Carter the last but one.

[schmoowithazing]

Doctor Joke

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new
doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

Don't scare the patients

An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was,
and she explained.

He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's
the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown
children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was
*pregnant*?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his
clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

3rd Grade Test

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Johnny.
''I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!''

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

'' What is 3x3? ''
''9.''

''What is 6 x 6 ?''
''36.''

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her he thought Johnny belonged in third grade.

''Let me ask him some questions. What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?''

''Legs.''

''What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?''

''Pockets.''

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ''Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions.''

[Ignorance]

A man walks up to the Human Resources office for a logging company in Saskatchewan and asks for a job. The secretary tells him to wait and he will be interviewed shortly.

The interviewer walks up to the applicant and says, "You don't look tough enough to be a lumberjack, but I'm short a couple heads, so go outside and give it a shot. Here's a saw."

The interviewer goes to get a cup of coffee. When he returns, he sees a huge pile of firewood where several huge trees used to be. Flabbergasted, he runs outside where the new recruit is wiping his hands off.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO CHOP LIKE THAT?
he yells. The chopper says, "The Sahara Forest."

"The Sahara Forest? There's no such place!"

"Yeah, now."

[schmoowithazing]

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, trying to set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming. Then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrott calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I am sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

************************************************** **

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I am going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He will be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Do not count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. " I am the groom."