The Jungle Gazette - Wednesday Edition

[Nubclear]

Remember, this is my first time so forgive me for any atrocities
I may commit...

Greetings, people of Apolyton! Welcome to the Wednesday edition of
THE JUNGLE GAZETTE
_____________________________________________
YOUR LIGHT IN THE JUNGLE!

Trip Resigns, Ninot Proclaims Victory
After a Highly Contested and Controversial Election, Former President
Trip Steps Down

After a highly controversial election, Former President Trip has resigned
leaving only one candidate left: President Ninot.
"This has gone on too long. I wanted to help Apolyton, but I was not expecting
this." Trip said, a few hours before he officially resigned.
"Trip was a worthy opponent, he shall be missed.." Ninot said before entering
his palace in the city of Apoltyon.

Just as a recap, the Presidential election had a huge turnout of over 130
voters which experts such as Ming say is "impossible." and it is suspected that
people whom have already voted disguised themselves as someone else and voted
again, or double votes as they are called.
"It certainly is possible [to double vote], as the Apolyton Costume Store sells
different attire and masks for very low prices." Sir Ralph was heard commenting
in the Apolyton forum. It is suspected that up to 40 votes were faked this way.

Trip, you will be missed.

Foreign Affairs to Face New Head: Sn00py
Sn00py Wins in a Landslide Election.

As projected by election experts, Sn00py has won the Foreign Affairs position
with a huge 77.78 percent of the vote.
"Dang....Now I have to do stuff." Sn00py joked as he was shown to his
headquarters in Apolyton.
"This is probably due to JD listing reasons not to vote for him....but at least
he's honest." One citizen was overheard saying.
"It shall be interesting working for him. I hope we do well together, and I
wish Ninot good luck in all his endeavors!" The person solely known as
"assistant" told Jungle Gazette reporters shortly after the story broke out.

Uncle Uber Retained!
UberKrux Re-Elected as Minister of the Military.

Officers and Civilians alike agree: UberKrux for SMC! Winning with nearly 76
percent of the vote, UberKrux is once again sworn in as Supreme Military
Commander.
"Citizens of Apolytonia, you have chosen well. War shall come soon, and an
intense warmonger and cunning strategist is just what our empire needs. The War
Academy salutes you for your intelligence on the polls." Is what "Uncle Uber"
said to the Apolytonia public, before entering the Apolyton War Academy to meet
the cadets.
And surprisingly, almost all party politics was put aside for this vote. Many
highly known and lesser-known DIA members vocally expressed their support for
the UFC candidate UberKrux while many simply voted for him, as indicated by the
polls.

We attempted to contact both Benjamin_Berman and Random Entity to comment on
their large losses, however neither of them replied.

Sir Ralph Elected, World in Awe
Independent Elected to Imperial Expansion, World Shocked

As the dust settled and the election results were tallied, all of the world
stood there in shock as the victor turned out to be Sir Ralph, whom was running
as an independent.
"I...I couldn't think such a thing could happen in that country....um.....What
was it called? Oh yes! Apolytonia. Only a week ago they seemed divided by
politics...How could an independent be elected? They must have rigged the
polls..." French President Joan D'Arc told Nous Morts, a French newspaper.
Similar reactions came in from all over the world.
"Wow! I mean, no comment." Sir Ralph said, stopping to look at everyones
comments. He quickly hid himself away from the media.
"Ralph had it in the bag from the moment he joined the race. Jonny and I were
always going to be campaigning for second place, in that respect it's very
close!" Will 5001 said when asked about his defeat. Jonny did not respond to
repeated requests for comments.

Goodfella Retakes Lead, Wins Public Works
Goodfella Beats GePap

As already stated, Goodfella has retaken the Public Works election after his
opponent failed to answer questions until just a day before the election.
"Well, I guess I should be writing my concession speech." Gepap told reporters
as the news was announced.
Early on in the election, GePap was leading by a considerable amount however
during Sunday-Tuesday, a sudden surge of voters voted for Goodfella. Shortly
after this, Goodfella began answering questions of the people, and by the time
GePap returned to the city it was already too late....Goodfella was leading by
a huge amount.
However, now it seems Goodfella has disappeared yet again, as he has not
commented on his winning the election.

United Team of DIA and UFC Defeat Banana!
Tassadar5000 and History Guy Victory!

The sentiment "history is written by the victorers" has been proven again, as
Tassadar5000 and History Guy defeat Banana in a landslide election.
"This is just as I expected. We have crushed the competition just I thought we
would. Thank you people of Apolyton, you have made a good choice." Tassadar
told Jungle reporters. History Guy was not available for comment.
During the election, it was projected that the team would win however many
voters voted in protest of the two people combining into one team.
"This is an outrage. We cannot have two people in one team, it would cause
chaos." One citizen told us. Another expressed his deepest regrets for voting
for the "evil" team and wished that he had voted for Banana. However, most
citizens seem to be either content or happy about the two citizens joining together
as one.

Spiffor Wins Minister of Economy
Serious Economic Gain for Minister-Elect Spiffor as He Wins Minister of Economy Position

Spiffor wins the economic position as Banana again sulks away in defeat.
"Dear citizens of Apolytonia,

It is with great pleasure that I see you decided to entrust me once again. I shall
not betray your trust, and I will hold my campaign promises. The Ministry of
Economy will become an efficient administration under my rule, which will
help other ministers as much as it can. My priorities will be : - haggling so
that not a single Apolytonian penny is wasted when dealing with our partners.
- checking if our cities got to maximum efficiency in commerce.
- keeping a close eye on our trade network - informing people on the active trades,
and the resources other nations have, as soon as it is asked. I again thank you for
your trust." Is what Spiffor had to say, before beginning to play "Day-O", the unofficial
national anthem.
"I didn't really care for it anyway." Banana commented before he was seen running out
of the city as the election results were read. This election seemed, to the pleasure and
delight of many, uneventful.
"We just dont want another presidential election fiasco...." Mark Milgopoli was heard saying in
the voting booth as he discussed with other citizens about this election.

Independant Punkbass Wins City Planner
Punkbass Defeats Banana

Great Banana was defeated yet again by Punkbass took the City Planner position in a huge win with
82.5 percent of the vote!
"This is *sniff* all that I've ever wanted...." Punkbass said in a speech to his family (speech to
people not available), and the he proceeded to visit the new city of Tassagrad where he received a
warm greeting.

civman Defeats All - Becomes Chief Scientist
civman Defeats Science Curse, Is Elected Science Advisor

civman, after losing to Tassadar5000 last term, has been elected Science Advisor for the second term.
"Finally! I've been waiting for SO LONG it's not even funny." civman commented, as Tassadar5000 handed
him the 'Philosophy Book', a tradition amongst all scientists of the world. However, despite winning
with 63 percent, many citizens decided to abstain in this election.
"civman said he couldn't complete his entire term, and we haven't even heard from the others...*sigh*
this election, I'm abstaining." Was one of several comments heard in the forums. However, despite their
abstination, civman was elected with 53 votes and his nearest competitor only had 25.

Timeline (Re)Elected!
Timeline becomes Vice President for Second Term

Timeline, after serving half a term facing Space05us' resignation, has been re-elected to the Vice Presidential
Position.
"Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!" Timeline yelled, as he began dancing to the beat of some foreign song. "The Chinese Anthem Rocks!"
he added just seconds later. Apocalypse was unavailable for commenting about his defeat, or about Timelines "Chinese"
comment.

JUNGLE GAZETTE EXCLUSIVE: Banana Interview
How is Banana facing defeat for a second time in all elections? Read this JUNGLE GAZETTE EXCLUSIVE to find out....

Reporter: Greetings Banana. You have lost in EVERY election that you have run for. Any comments?
Banana: I would just like to thank all those whom voted for me. Your banana plantations shall grow.
Reporter: You avoided the question, Banana.
Banana: Ah, you humans are not very intelligent are you? I already commented, but your brains are not capable of
processing what I have said.
Reporter: Well, humans are incapable of understanding the greatness of Banana. We are truly sorry for it. We really
are.
Reporter: Banana, what shall you do to those who did not vote for you?
Banana: I shall punish them accordingly.
Reporter: What are you plans for this term, Banana?
Banana: I plan on running in the Roman elections. President, Vice President, Science, and Military advisor.
Reporter: Thank you for your time.
Banana leaves.

Fascinating, is it not?

URGENT DISPATCH TO EDITOR, UnOrthoDox c/o The Jungle Gazette
By JDJDJD

Dear Mr. UnOrhoDox:

I am sending this urgent message to you because my situation has taken quite a drastic turn since my most recent correspondence, and I head with great haste back to Apolyton.

I will begin my tale at the present, if you will, I am currently in the Mountains outside of Paris, Dog is with me and his wounds are healing nicely, Godking's cat, who delivers this message to you, is in fine health...no worse for the wear. Both, in effect, are heroes who have saved my life, as well as the life of Mr. Moral Hazard, one time editor of a daily periodical in Apolyton. We are staying in a cave and have received some medical assistance from a small band of men, who speak not French nor Egyptian, all I can understand from them is that they call themselves Iroquois. They have also helped us with some food and straw for a mattress that Mr. Hazard now rests on. He has yet to wake up from the comatose state in which I found him.

Now to the beginning of this story. Four nights ago, I sent you my last letter and described the meeting with French Leader, Ms. Joan D'Arc. She was cordial, polite and friendly, but very persistent with questions. I thought I was lucky, in that I did not have anything to tell her, and could remain honest to her but also not provide any information that may hurt our great civilization.

That night after I had gone to sleep, I was awoke by some rustling, it was Clarisse, I did not think much of it. But before I closed my eyes to return to slumber, I saw her move to my backpack and search through it. It was very strange, here I thought I could trust her and that we had a growing relationship; however, now I find her true allegiance was only to France.

I pretended to sleep through and not notice, partly because I did not want her to know I was now wary of her, partly because I was feeling dejected and heartbroken.

The next day, three days ago, I was summoned to meet with Ms. D'Arc again, this time things were a bit more persistent, and the setting of our meeting was not as comfortable. I was in some type of interrogation room, and several armed guards were in the room with Ms. D'Arc, she always remained polite and cordial. Some other man was with them, clearly he was some kind of Military Advisor, his name was LeClerc. LeClerc was very forceful and loud, his intent was clearly to intimidate me into speaking...quite frankly it was working... but again, I had no information to provide him. And so, I started to not even answer the simplest questions, becoming protective of what little I did know. He became even more forceful and pushed me down, kicking me several times. I believe one of his kicks fell to me temple, and I must have become unconcious, because one minute he was kicking me and then the next I was alone in the room.

I picked myself from the floor and sat back down in my chair, all the time the words from a song looped through my head:

checking out the reports
digging up the dirt
you get to meet all sorts in this line of work....
and what have you got at the end of the day
and what have you got, for to take away
a bottle of whiskey and a new set of lies
lines on the window, and a pain behind the eyes....

And as I sat there, I had a pain behind the eyes that was worse than any I had before. I looked around the room, it was just a bare room, with a wooden door, earthen walls, one wooden table, with three wooden chairs. It was very dank, and only lit by two torches attached to the walls opposite of the door. I sat there pondering my situation with that song echoing in my head, when suddenly the door opened...

This time a sole person came in, Clarisse. She was dressed in a most beautiful gown, which augmented every hill and valley of her vivacious body. Clearly, she was here to seduce me into telling, and luckily for me my headache was intense enough that I would not succumb. She had with her a bottle of wine, and I refused to drink with her. This necter of the gods I had told you about also has a way of easing your inhibitions and loosening you tongue, and I pushed away the glass she had poured for me. I yelled at her to leave my site, and stood abruptly to throw her out, when the door burst open and I was met by a club to the head.

Again, I was out, and must have been for some time. The next thing I knew, two guards were dragging my limp carcas through a wooded area towards some type of stone building in the distance. I could not tell where I was, just that it was nearer to the mountains then Paris was. When we reached the building, one guard threw open the door, while the other had me in a choke hold.

Suddenly, I heard a familiar growl and then a familiar hiss. The guard at the door was being mauled by my two animal friends. He fell backwards into the stone building with Dog at his leg and Godking's cat at his face. His head hit hard against the stone floor and he was unconcious, but only after managing to stab Dog with his spear. Dog was bleeding, but something was keeping him aggressive and he stood at the guards head ready to pounce should he awake. The other guard and myslef both stared in astonishment, and luckily for me I snapped out of the stupor first, jabbing my elbow with all my might into his midsection. He doubled over, I grabbed his head and introduced him to my knee which I dashed into his face. He fell to the ground also unconcious.

I dragged the two guards into the stone building, and I found this to be some type of small jail. There were four cells, and I pulled them into the nearest one, that had an open door. I closed and locked it behind me with the keys that the first guard to get knocked out wore on his tunic. As I turned to leave, I heard a groan in the cell next to the other. I looked in to see someone, clearly of Egyptian decent and clearly in worse condition then myelf, Dog or the guards. I opened the cell door, and went the body...it was Mr. Hazard. Clearly beaten badly, and unconcious.

I had to hurry out, but I could not leave him...so in a fit of panic and rush of adrenaline, I threw him over my shoulder, and headed for the door, Dog and the cat followed. I headed for the mountains, where as I mentioned, we now hide with some assistance from the men of Iroquois.

My plan is to take Mr. Hazard back to Apolyton, along with Dog. Maybe Dr. Plaguerat and our soothsayers can revive the editor from the state in which he is. We will stay in the mountains, and once at the coast, will head back to my floatation device which I should still be waiting for us near the River at Orleans.

May the Banana have mercy on our souls and preserve Mr. Hazard's life, and may the winds speed our journey back to the village that shunned me, my home, Apolyton.

I hope this letter has found you well. Please advise the good doctor of Mr. Hazard's condition, and prepare him for what I will deliver to him in hopefully less than a fortnight.

I remain,

Jdjdjd

[Captain]

French President Joan D'Arc told Nous Morts, a French newspaper.

Nous Morts... great work!

btw, I know UnOrthO's been away for real life reason's and moral hazard's paper has been bought out by the Gazette, but whatever happened to Sirotnikov? he had a cool paper at one time also. maybe he'd like to pool his efforts too, he had pictures before!

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by Captain


Nous Morts... great work!

btw, I know UnOrthO's been away for real life reason's and moral hazard's paper has been bought out by the Gazette, but whatever happened to Sirotnikov? he had a cool paper at one time also. maybe he'd like to pool his efforts too, he had pictures before!

Glad you approve.

I'm not sure what happend to Sirotnikov. You'll have to ask him.

Nice election coverage, and I can't get enough of these stories. Keep it up!

[Kuciwalker]

Great!

I've started to really look forward to Jdjdjd's reports.

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by Edrix
Nice election coverage, and I can't get enough of these stories. Keep it up!

Yep...Once Unorth aurhotizes me to do more things, and since the elections are over...the next issues should be much better I hope

[Timeline]

Nice work Tass

[Robber Baron]

Tass: Thanks for picking up the ball on this. The Gazette has quickly become one of my favorite parts of the game. Nice job.

[UnOrthOdOx]

Originally posted by Tassadar5000


Yep...Once Unorth aurhotizes me to do more things, and since the elections are over...the next issues should be much better I hope

Duly noted and granted. Sorry I was not around to answer questions for this edition. Tass, future Wed editions are yours to do as you see fit.

[MrWhereItsAt]

Ace work, Tass! I was half expecting to see some scandal involving me coating the paper (do not even ask ), and was thrilled to see that I have evaded atention so far.

Upon reading the paper, I am very glad it was you who made this edition - faultless! I can only imagine how much work you put in, but personally I hope you can keep finding time for it - the effort was worth it, and you have ascended to join the ranks of the top-quality editors and writers 'Poly has.

I estimate this paper gives us an extra +3 culture/turn.

[Moral Hazard]

Excellent!

jdjdjd, I will be forever greatful for you assistance. I'll will explain how I fell into the clutches of the french soon. Now that I am partially recovered. That was my favorite letter yet, of course I was featured rather prominently

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by MrWhereItsAt
Ace work, Tass! I was half expecting to see some scandal involving me coating the paper (do not even ask ), and was thrilled to see that I have evaded atention so far.

So far....But now that Unorthodox has removed the restrictions on what I can and cannot put in the paper.....

Upon reading the paper, I am very glad it was you who made this edition - faultless! I can only imagine how much work you put in, but personally I hope you can keep finding time for it

Oh don't worry. I will.

- the effort was worth it, and you have ascended to join the ranks of the top-quality editors and writers 'Poly has.

Are you just saying this because I didn't include.....well.....that in the paper?

I estimate this paper gives us an extra +3 culture/turn.

That's good.

[GodKing]

Aargh.....

My letter to jdjdjd didn't make it. What happoned, didn't you get it? Let me know please. Thanks.

[Kuciwalker]

Dear jdjdjd,

I would like you to return to Apolyton now, because I think I have something that might interest you. I invite you to come with me on a bold journey of great importance - by sea. I am going to brave the sea and try and make my crossing to Uber Isle. I hope that you accompany me.

Skywalker

[Will 5001]

Great work Tass, keep it up

[Micaelus]

An excellent Gazette...entertaining, informative, and everything a paper should be! Great work. (Lemme know if you need any help.)

[Lawrence of Arabia]

Very well done. Do you think you could put the party name after the official. ex. Uberkrux (UFC) won blah blah.

[jdjdjd]

Good work Tass.

Moral, our adventures continue next week....hold on to your hat.

Skywalker, we will meet soon, I'm sure

[Kuciwalker]

Jdjdjd - I thank you. It will be an honor to go on a voyage with you, the pinnacle of what any Apolytonian traveler seeks to achieve.