THE JUNGLE GAZETTE -
WEDNESDAY EDITION
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YOUR LIGHT IN THE JUNGLE!
AMERICA DEFEATED! APOLYTONIA VICTORIOUS IN APOLYTONIAN-AMERICAN WAR - WORLD CELEBRATES!
America Suffers Major Defeat
As the two leaders Ninot and Lincoln stepped out of the Apolyton forum building, peace was announced.
"We have agreed to begin peaceful relations in exchange for America giving us Philidelphia, Atlanta, their world map, and thirty six gold." President Ninot said, with a huge smile on his face.
"Oh yeah. I'm like, so glad we have peace. I mean, we could have won that war....but your leaders came to their senses." Abe Lincoln told Jungle Gazette reporters as he left the border. However, he was singing a different tune in the American newspaper Philidelphia Journal (soon to be renamed to the Boston Times)
"Those ******* Apolytonians have ruined my ******* EMPIRE! But I shall remember their atrocities, and once I re-establish my empire they shall pay for the suffering they have caused to my people!!" Abe Lincoln literally yelled to American news reporters.
However, even on a global scale there were celebrations. The French President was seen dancing in the streets at the news that America had been defeated, and the Russians were celebrating "Imperialisms Fall" day where the streets were filled with fine wine and vodka.
"Thank you Apolyton! Thank you!!!" One Russian citizen was quoted saying as he poured vodka down his mouth. However, each country had its own way of celebrating.
"Today is now officially the day of Apolyton! May their empire live forever." Persian Empire Xerxes said during a speech to the general public, before a 3 day fasting began in the honor of Apolyton. Several Greek citizens raised the flag of Apolyton, and all over the world the anthem could be heard from happy citizens.
American relations with other countries have been severly strained in days before the war.
"My friend went to America to study cultural anthropology...but they never let him come back. we was prisoner in washington for nearly 4 years. I'm so happy the Apolytonian Empire liberated them!!!" One Greek citizen told the Jungle Gazette while recalling "American Horror Stories". This patricular story sparked a fierce debate between Greeks and Americans, and at one period in time Alexander, the Greek leader, was heard saying "Those Americans need to be stopped now."
There have been many more incidents, mostly involving citizens that were captured by the American Despotism.
However, despite the look of a near flawless war, there were several casualties. 200 brave archers were killed during the entire war, and nearly 300 more were injured. The Jungle Gazette and the people of Apolyton salute them for their brave sacrafice.
Apolyton Finally has an Anthem
United Forever in Friendship and Labour - The Beginning of the New Apolytonian Anthem
Although the polls are still open for voting, the majority is clear: An anthem devised by Tassadar is going to be approved as the Apolytonian National Anthem.
"Well, after our victory against the evil Americans, I just decided we needed an anthem. I was once traveling before joining the colony that soon became Apolyton, and there was a song...And I just modified it and lengthened it, and now ya have the anthem. I call it 'Soviet Anthem', or Great Empire Anthem." Tassadar said coming out of the forums after voting.
"It was great. I went to Tassadars house in Tassagrad, and we sat down, had some Banana Mush with what Uber calls 'Milk', or warriors drink, and we devised lyrics to the anthem. It was fun." Vice-President Timeline commented.
However, there were more anthems avalible.
"I think we should have the German anthem. Not that crappy 'were not better than you are' one, but the good one." Supreme Military Commander UberKrux said in the forums as a prepoll debate raged on. However, the option only gained three votes (or 12 percent) and experts speculate that people have not heard the anthem and therefore are not voting for it.
However, there was also another option....No anthem at all. It has, at present time of writing, recieved four percent of the vote with one vote.
"who would do such a thing?" one citizen asked Jungle Gazette Editor Tassadar. It has been speculated (although not confirmed at this point) that Former President Trip has voted against the measure for a new anthem.
Although the projected winner probably is going to win, there is still time to vote. Visit
http://apolyton.net/forums/showthrea...threadid=57283 and vote now!
Apocalypse Wins Science Advisor Election
After the Resignation of Civman2000, Apocalypse Wins in a Landslide
After five hectic days in the forum, one more poll can be put aside and forgotten: The Science Advisor poll.
"Hopefully we wont have to do any more re-election stuffs. It's so annoying." A citizen commented as the election ended, revealing Apocalypse as the victor.
"Yay! I won!" Apocalypse said entering his private lab. This came unexpectedly, and as he entered Civman2000s belongings were being moved out.
"Now that I have a good position....I think i'll take a nap." Apocalypse told reporters after the moving was complete.
Despite the forums being hectic with polls and debate, the election went surprisingly well. There was hardly any mud flinging at all, however unfortunately there is not much more news to report on the situation. If anything arises, the people of Apolyton shall be the first to know.
Franco-Apolytonian WAR?
Rumours Spread of Apolyton Invasion of France
Apolyton has sucessfully defeated America, and has gained many cities and expand her empire....but will they settle for it? According to inside sources, there has been talk of "rain of steel hitting those dam*ed frogs" inside of the forums.
"Um....Frogs? what do they have to do with the French?" President Ninot said as a reply to a Jungle Gazette question privately issued. In the past, the Supreme Military Commander UberKrux referred to the French people as "frogs", and philisophical experts indicate that the "rain of fire" is actually swordsmen brutually killing french soldiers.
"Oh no! the apolyton people are our friends! They would never allow such an atrocity to happen!" French President Joan D'Arc told the French newspaper "Nous Morts".
However, there is more evidence to the contrary. Just a week ago, the French army was seen harassing border cities and stealing chickens. This has aggrivated French-Apolyton relations in the same way American-Apolyton relations were damaged. Currently, officials have declined to state whether French-Apolyton relations are good, bad, or indifferent.
We shall bring you more information as it comes to us.
Phoenatica Refuses to hand over Technology, Sparks Debate
The Phoenatica Government has Recently Denied requests for Technology
As an insult to the Apolytonian people and a strike against relations, the Phoenatican government has denied Apolyton technologies.
"This is an outrage. I can't believe our most trusted allies would do such a thing." Vice President Timeline addressed two days ago during a small "Get to Know Apolyton" International Issue of the Jungle Gazette in Persia.
"We don't trade with inferior cultures. Thats it." The Phoenatican President told Jungle Gazette International reporters. The Apolytonian government has recently requested technologies up to "Steam Power" in excange for possibly 6 gold per turn but it was quickly denied.
"What did I tell you? I told you those people were up to no good! We should shut down the embassy!" One citizen angrily told the Jungle Gazette. Moments after this, one Phonetican embassy official said "We wouldn't have to send the tanks in. The immortals could take care of it....."
It is not known what is meant by this statement, however when confronted with it the Phonetican President declined to comment.
Dear Mr. Tassadar5000:
More Stories from Jdjdjd
Dear Mr. Tassadar5000:
I hope this carrier pigeon finds you well. We have
heard of the recent success of Supreme Military
Commander Uberkrux's Army of the Jungle, and their
defeat of the Americans, and are quite elated and
relieved. We wish our best to the SMC, President Ninot
and the rest of the governmental staff; and our deep
regrets to the families of those lost in this war. I,
myself, am opposed to war of any kind, but still, and I
know its hypocritical, I have an overwhelming feeling of
joy to hear of the victories and excellent settlement
terms.
As a point, which is no longer important since war has
come and passed, several of the crew do wish to advise
that they had heard the building of the forums was
completed, in fact, by monkeys and not the Americans.
Apparently, widespread budget cuts by ex-President Trip
as a last digit effort to win public favor, lead to the
layoff of several hundred human workers, and monkeys
were brought in, since they only work for bananas of
which our society has no shortage. But of course, that
is hearsay and we have no direct evidence.
But, I digress, my intent was to provide you with an
update of our voyage into the Southern Sea. I am glad to
report that we have also met with some success and have
had our first adventure as well as a discovery. The day
before yesterday, we had been moving along nicely under
power of the mast and sail, and were enjoying a break as
we were blessed with some favorable winds; when we did
encounter one of the great fish, known as whales.
While were taking our break, I manned the rudder. The
day had been rather uneventful and we were maintaining a
course of roughly South by Southwest, when I was
startled by the great fish as he jumped out of the water
within meters of our boat. I moved backwards, towards
the front of the boat, my cigarette dangling loosely
from my lip, stunned by what I had seen. I
muttered "Your gonna need a bigger boat", as I came next
to where Mr. Skywalker and Mr. Kring sat. They both
jumped and turned to look, and then the whale surfaced
again, but this time slowly and gently right at the edge
of our boat at such an angle that I was staring right
into the eye of the great fish. He was twice the length
of the boat, if he was a meter. And black as the Jungle
Night.
The rest of the crew turned and stared, The Dark Lord
immediately moved in front of all of us as if to protect
us in case the whale attacked. Dog, too, jumped close
to the whale, growling intently. But the giant fish
just sat there, and stared at us. We all stood there
staring back. Minutes passed, when suddenly, the whale
let out a high pitched bellow, that shocked us all. Dog
began to whimper, it was clear to me something was wrong
with the whale, Dog had sensed it too.
I moved forward to get a closer look, and asked Mr.
Kring if he had ever an experience such as this with a
whale before, he indicated he had not. He said he had
never seen a whale or any fish, surface for several
minutes like this. It was his opinion that they would
suffocate. I got closer, and the whale rolled slightly,
exposing to me the top of his head, where there was a
large hole. Mr. Kring said it was not an injury, that
all whales had this hole, and that they spout water
through them.
I inspected closer, and could see that the hole was
clogged. I tried to reach over, and immediately The Dark
Lord grabbed me and pulled me back. I turned and held
my hand up to tell him to hold off, and that it was all
right. I continued forward, and tried to reach the hole,
but could not. I then climbed off the boat and onto the
back of the whale, The Dark Lord yelled for me to get
back on the boat, but I ignored him.
The whale stayed still, I think he wanted me to do
this. I stuck my hand into the spout, and probed
around. I could feel something blocking it, I adjusted
my hand to get a grip and started to pull out the
obstruction. It was a round rock, which somehow had got
jammed into the spout. I could feel a sucking from the
spout, clearly air could flow through this, as I removed
it. I thought this was rather amazing, what type of fish
can expel air? Could this be a beast and not a fish?
Wile comtemplating this, Dark Lord grabbed me and with
one hand, lifting me off the whale and onto the boat.
Now, I have heard about a game, wherein a club is used
to strike a round rock, such as the one I held. The
game has something to do with hitting the ball into a
hole some distance away. People will hit rocks into the
ocean while practicing this game. Shiber, grabbed the
rock from me, and inspected it. He read "Titleist",
which had been engraved in the rock. He said, that he
had played the game many times, and that this was
definitely one of the rocks used, as Mr. Titleist makes
and sells these rocks in Apolyton Village. He laughed
uneasily, saying "Someone got a hole in one".
The whale then turned and sank back under the sea, and
then with a great thrust he reappeared, leaped into the
air, flipped over, and waived his giant flippers at us,
as if to say thanks. He then re submerged. We watched a
few minutes more, and then went back to what we and been
doing.
I sat down and started to hold the rudder again, when
Skywalker yelled out, "Here he comes again!", I turned
to see the whale coming right for the back of the boat
where I sat. I braced myself for a collision, but as he
got closer the whale slowed, and gently tapped the back
of the boat; and then amazingly, started to push us
faster and faster until we reached his full speed.
Quickly, I yelled to Shiber and The Viking sitting near
the mast ropes, to lower the sheet to avoid damage to
it, which they did.
We all then sat and held on for dear life. The whale
clearly had an idea of where he was pushing us, but we
had no clue. This went on for a few minutes, when a
strange feeling came over me. I was sitting through an
amazing event, I had never heard of such a thing
happening before. I was very lucky, and I was sitting
there apprehensive and a bit afraid, holding on for my
life. A feeling of elation suddenly overwhelmed me, and
I slowly stood up, holding my hands in the air, and
yelling "Yeeeehaaaaaaa!".
The rest of the crew turned and gave looks as if I was
out of mind, maybe I was, but it just felt so
unburdened. I laughed out loud, and shouted to
them "Carpe Diem!!" which is Roman for "seize the day".
Then I yelled, "Enjoy the moment my friends, we are
being blessed with a rare and momentous favor from our
friend here!! Don't let it slip away!!" And with that,
Young Skywalker jumped to his feet and joined me. Then
Edrix, Dark Lord, Kramerman, The Viking, Kring, Aro, Dr.
Plaguerat, and even Shiber, all joined us. Aro even made
an effort to play his instrument. It was a tremendous
feeling to be moving at such a speed, and I felt lucky
to be alive.
This went on for near half an hour, when in the distance
something unexpected appeared..."Look, a tree!", shouted
out Young Skywalker, and with this, the speed of the
whale ebbed considerably until he stopped pushing us.
This is clearly what he wanted us to see, perhaps his
gift to us for helping him.
With our remaining momentum, we closed in on this
solitary tree in the middle of the sea. As we got
closer, we could see it was a tiny island of sand, with
one lone tree and some small shrubs. I looked under the
boat as we got closer, it looked like a sunken island
was under us, and with only this small piece of it
reaching above sea level. Edrix and The Dark Lord
started to row, and the rest of the crew quickly joined
in to help get us there faster.
The island clearly was too small to inhabit, and perhaps
no man had been here before, but it was a nice place for
us to rest. We reached the shore of the little island,
and The Dark Lord and Edrix jumped out to pull the boat
onto the sand. We all disembarked the boat, and
stretched our legs. Its funny, after being on the sea
for so long, it was hard to stay steady on the land.
Kring called this effect "sea legs", he had experienced
this on a couple of occasions while out fishing and
whaling for the day.
After a few minutes of stretching, I again noticed the
tree, and approached to take a closer look. It was not
like any tree I had seen before, and it held some round
orange fruit. I looked closer, and picked one. I
bit into it, and was able to pierce its outer skin into
some of the most delicious tasting fruit. When the
others saw I was enjoying the fruit, they all grabbed
some from the tree. As I ate this, I looked out to sea
to find our friend the whale again leaping out of the
sea and waving his flippers at us. I waved my arms
back, yelling "May the Banana bless you great fish!!
I hope our paths cross again!!".
We are currently on this little patch of land and will
probably stay another day or two. We have been
collecting all the seeds from the eaten orange fruit,
and before continuing our voyage we will collect all the
remaining fruit we can from the tree and load it in the
boat compartments. Hopefully, when we return we can
take the seeds and grow some of this delicious fruit for
all Apolytonia.
I will write again soon. Please continue to keep us up
to date with the happenings in our great civilization.
And again, our congratulations to the Army of the Jungle.
I remain,
jdjdjd
