Tuscany AAR

[Pavlov]

Introduction for poly-people: This is an AAR I wrote about a year ago. I personally think it's quite good in some places. Anyway, I hope that this might inspire someone else to write something just for fun. Just don't use as many bad jokes as me.

Here we go...

The life and times of the Nocardia family

Settings:
Well, it's EU1, IGC. Quite hard settings, can't remember.


Greetings future historians and future family members of this great family. Oh, forgive my poor manners, I am Lord Frederico Nocardia di Siena, at your service. But please call me Lord Nocardia. From my father, may he rest in etc, I inherited not only a seat in the council as advisor in the fields of military technology, strategy and juggling but also Honest Robertos Wagon Rental Co. and the Tuscan Piracy Co. The other seven members of the council are all old and frail so I hope that I will be able to control them. If I can't then my personal assistant Silvio can do something. Silvio is a tall man who always has an evil smile on his face and an axe in his hand. The diary begins on the first of January, Anno Domine 1492. I was on my way to the first meeting of the year and I had a terrible hang-over. Needless to say, last night's party was great.

The special new-year meeting

Grand Duke (Very alert and cheery): Right mylords, welcome to this years first meeting of the consistorio. And a special welcome to our newest councilman: Lord Nocardia. Would you like to say something?

Me: (Very weak) Ooh my head...

Grand Duke: Well, thank you for that. Shall we move on?

Council: ...

Grand Duke: Right...I suppose we should get cracking with the new yearly plan. Does anyone have anything new to add?

Council: (Total silence)

Grand Duke: Okay, well continue with the old plan. See you next year then!

Me: (Still quite weak): Wait a minute. I have something to add. Tuscany will grow slower than a snail if we don't make some drastic measures.

(Some of the councilmen wake up. What is this young rascal talking about?)

Me: I suggest we start our faster growing by increasing our commercial presence in Venice and Genua. And when it comes to foreign affairs we have to move away from our current alliance. We'll achieve nothing with such slow friends. I suggest that we start moving closer to France and it's allies.

Lord Feruzzi: Now, now, what's wrong with Modena, Genua and the Knights?

Me: Well, for one they are USELESS! We need stronger allies. France and her allies are the opposite force of the Spaniards and their alliance. We all know Spaniards can't be trusted.

Grand Duke: I'm sorry, why not?

Me: Sire, perhaps you do not remember that the Spanish emissary in Florence attended Lord Groppis birthday feast?

Grand Duke: So?

Me: He got drunk, made a pass at Lady Groppi and then threw up on me, Lord Cribo and the Pope.

Grand Duke: So that was him? What do you know...

Me: Anyway, to ensure our future entry in the French alliance we have to tie stronger ties to them and start to withdraw slowly from our present alliance.

Grand Duke: Sounds good to me. Any objections?

Lord Peruzzi: Well actually...

Grand Duke: Good, great, meeting ajourned. I'll be in my country house if you need me.
Ta ta.


The meeting had been a complete success for me. During the following year we will do what we can to achieve my goals: Better relations with France and more profit.

1492

1 January:
A tax collector was promoted in Florence. Fortunately my estate is liberated from all taxes.

3 January:
Navarra joins the French alliance. This only proves to me that that alliance is the road to success.

25 February:
Naples joins the Spanish alliance. Those damn lap-dogs to the Spaniards. They're not true Italians.

2 March:
Venice joins Russias alliance. Another case of an Italian state gone mad.

9 March:
The Turk declares war on the Mamelucks. And there is a great party tonight at Palazzo Partaj. I can hardly wait.

1 April:
After a long period of doing nothing the consistorio finally managed to agree to a Stately Marriage with France. The French send their most beautiful princess to Florence. I bravely take on the task of marrying here, I'll do anything for my country.

4 April:
Messengers from all over Europe were practically besieging the consistorio today, trying to shout out who joined who's alliance. Most of the messages were uninteresting but a few caught my attention. Lothringen and Kurpfalz joined the Spanish alliance and Poland-Lithuania joined the French alliance. Interesting indeed. On my way home one of the messengers threw a piece of paper at me, saying that Saxony had joined Hessen in an alliance. I had Silvio bet him up. That will teach him, stealing my valuable time, what cheek!

11 April:
Strange news: The Mamelucks has joined the Spanish alliance. I knew the Spanish were low but I never thought they would ally with an infidel nation.

12 April:
Today Cologne joined the Spanish alliance. Seems to me that soon that alliance will consist of all of the world. A frightening thought.

1 May:
The first Tuscan trader was sent off to Venice today. He is an Austrian named Hans Fraud.

25 May:
I learned that Hans Freud had been seen on the beaches of Genua, living a life of luxury. I sent off Silvio on a journey to show this Austrian what happens if you double-cross an Italian.

1 June: One of the young noble-women was sent off to Savoy to marry a young Duke there. This will hopefully bring our two countries closer together.

And I got news from Silvio, that Austrian thief has met his death in a very unpleasant fashion. It was something involving a duck, a long spear and two nuns.

Today I'm off for my vacation in sunny Siena. I will leave my dog Franco behind to fill in my seat in the consistorio.

2 september:
It feels good to be back. While I was away Franco tried declaring war on Spain. Luckily the Spanish emissary bribed him with a bone to stay put.

I arrange yet another Stately marriage. The Grand Dukes mad brother Vito marries some ugly girl from Navarra.

1 october:
Me: Excellent news, sire!

Grand Duke: What! Why did you awake me from my nap?

Me: We can now construct cannons, long tubes which throw stones over great distances.

Grand Duke: When is that good?

Me: It can make sieges go much faster.

Grand Duke: Bah! Have I ever told you about the time I led a French army, in my youth?

Me: Only about hundreds of times.

Grand Duke: Good! Here's what happened. The French high commander told me to capture the province of Helvetia. My second-in-command advised me to wait until the spring came. But I attacked right away! That great 150 000 man army started besiegieng Helvetia in December. And when summer came, the fortress was ours.

Me: Wasn't that because the stench of 140 000 dead Frenchmen made the entire garrison die of vomit attacks?

Grand Duke: No. It was all because of my brilliant tactis.

Me: Whatever.

1 November:
To improve relations with Poland-Lithuania we send one of the Grand Duke's sons there to marry one of the princesses. Unfortunately, a day later he is sent back with a sign on his back that says: "Can't do his duty in bed, if you know what I mean".

1 January 1493:
On the first day of the new year of 1493 we manage to trade maps with Pommerania. We send them a map that had been drawed by my two-year-old daughter and inexchange we get some info on Russia and it's neighbours. With that map we manage to trade maps with the Portuguese. They show us some interesting coastlines...

Our last action before the next annual meeting is a marriage between my dog Franco and the poodle Nina who belongs to a Swiss nobleman. The happy couple will live at my country estate.

[Pavlov]

Anno Domine 1493

1 January:
I was standing next to the Grand Duke right inside the doors that lead to the main balcony. He was preparing for his new years speech. Outside the crowd was both applauding and screaming insulting remarks.

Grand Duke: "I don't know if I can handle this. I mean, what should i say were our acccomplishments in 1492?"

Me: "Well, for one we instituted a tax collector here in Florence."

Grand Duke: "That's all?"

Me: "Yes, I guess so. Sorry."

Grand Duke: "So what should I say then?"

Me: "Just say something about the good things that will happen next year."

Grand Duke: "What good things?"

Me: "Just improvise, Sire"

I opened the doors to the balcony and pushed the Grand Duke out. Then I quickly shut the doors and started listening to his speech.

Grand Duke: "Greetings fellow members of the great state of Tuscany!" The crowd roared. "The year that is coming will be even greater then the previous one." Good, I thought to myself, he's going for a cliché speech. "In front of us lies great victories on the field of battle." WHAT!? "We will gain money and glory through a campaign greater then all previous campaigns on this peninsula." The crowd was silent. This was something new. "It's just a nightmare" I told myself. The Grand Duke continued: "I can't promise you a fast and bloodless victory," The crowd started booing. "Alright, I can promise you a fast and bloodless victory!" The crowd started cheering. "This will be the first page in story of the empire of Tuscany! Thank you, and God bless Tuscany!" The Grand Duke walked back inside with the cheer of the people practically pushing him back.

Me: "What in the name of God were you talking about, Sire!?"

Grand Duke: "I merely did as you told me to, Lord Numbskull."

Me: "My name is actually Nocardia and I told you to improvise, not to declare war!"

Grand Duke: "Oh please, you heard those cheers, they love it!"

Me: "Grrrrrrr"

Grand Duke: "Stop that! I want you to draw up plans for war against...oh, pick a country yourself."

Me: "When do you want this war against someone, Sire?"

Grand Duke: "Let's say next year."

Me: "But you just promised them a war during this year."

Grand Duke: "Damn, you're right. Well, you can solve that. I'm going fishing with my dear friend, the Venetian Doge. We're going to Crete."

Me: "He's not your dear friend, he tried to kill you during your last fishing trip."

Grand Duke: "Nonsense! That gun went off by accident."

Me: "And what about the poison in your food?"

Grand Duke: "A mix-up in the kitchen, no doubt."

Me: "And the hand-grenade in your bed?"

Grand Duke: "Enough with your questions! I will be back on the first of April and expect the preparations to be ready by then. Understood?"

Me: "We will work as fast as we can, Sire!"

The day after the Grand Duke had left everyone in the council went on vacation. I came back on the tenth of January just to get my swimming-trunks. While stopping by at the office I saw a note saying that the Turk had made peace with the Mamelucks. They received the province of Judea and the enormous sum of 0 ducats.

16 March:
Today I got back from my holiday and remembered that the Grand Duke was coming back on the first of April. I panicked. My first action was to send the army to Luca. That way I could show the Grand Duke I had made something. I spent plenty of time evaluating or different options. Two options to be precise. Either we could attack the Papal states and thus the French alliance. Or we could attack Modena and break our own alliance. It wasn't a hard choice. If we were fast we could be able to force a favourable peace onto the Pope. I spent one day inspecting our army. It is led by a nobleman, General Uffreducci. He is an expert on sieges, a skill that may come in handy. We have eight thousand infantrymen, a thousand cavalrymen and ten cannons. My spies tell me that Pope has about the same forces at his disposal.

This is my plan: The army will march onto Emilia and there they will engage the enemys main forces. After beating them they will quickly capture the province. Then they will march on Romagna. After taking that province we will offer our demands to the Pope. We want at least the province of Emilia. My hope is that we will be able to stun the French alliance. If we can stop the French from landing in Tuscany we have a good chance of winning. Before the war can start we will however secure our financial basis by increasing our presence in Venice.

24 March:
Totally exhausted after my hard work on the war preparations I receive the news that somepeople have joined some other peoples alliances. Nothing that interests me. I think I'm going on vacation again before the Grand Duke gets back. This time I think Greece will be nice. Their king likes me since I won the lambada-contest in Athens.

1 September:
I receive a message from my personal secretary Daniel, not to be confused with my personal assistant and hangman Silvio. He tells me that two merchants have been sent to Venice. Excellent.

8 September:
Since I am a bit bored of fun in the sun I oraganize the wedding between Silvio and a Greek princess. Of course I tell them that Silvio is a nobleman. Stupid Greeks.

1 October:
Now that I'm back in Florence I hear that the mercants sent to Venice were almost totally successful. One one of them started his business there but the other one got in a fight with a Hungarian dung-salesman. Both of them were sent to there respective homes.

1 January 1493:
We sum up yet another year. Preparations on the upcoming war have been moving along but otherwise we've mainly been avoiding the Grand Duke who still is very upset about the fact that he didn't catch any fish.

[Pavlov]

The war of an idiot

1 January 1494
Preparations begin for the future war against the Papal states. We begin recruiting four thousand infantrymen in Luca. Total cost is 36 ducats. I fear that that won't be enough. I spoke with the Grand Duke regarding the issue.

Me: "Good morning, Sire."

Grand Duke: "What do you want?"

Me: "I have a suggestion, why don't we borrow money and buy some cannons? That will greatly increase our chances of winning the war."

Grand Duke: "Hmmm. Does that mean that we have to pay the money back later?"

Me: "Unfortunately. But we can probably steal some money from the Pope, if we win the war."

Grand Duke: "Great! How about a game of table tennis?"

Me: "I'm a bit busy right now, sorry.

1 March
The recruiting process in Luca is now complete.

2 March
One of our scientists give me some news on a new invention.

Scientist: "Good news, Mylord!"

Me: "What is it then?"

S: "We have invented this" He holds up something that looks like a sock, only smaller.

M: "So, what is it?"

S: [Blushing] "It is a...you put it on your mumble-mumble"

M: "Mumble-mumble?"

S: "You know, your you-know-what."

M: "Ooh. Why?"

S: "I believe it can reduce the chances of different *cough* diseases."

M: "I see. What do you call it then, doctor Condom?"

S: "I don't know."

1 April
We take a loan on 200 ducats from the bankers of Milano. We will repay it in five years. A large part of the money is spent on buying cannons. [OOC: 43 ducats each! Aagh!]

4 April
The Pope announces a treaty, the treaty of Tortillas or something. He thinks he's so high and mighty. We'll show him.

3 May
Two merchants are sent to Venice.

1 June
A flattering letter is sent to the king of France.

"Your royal highness. You are probably the smartest man on earth. You could have every woman you want to. We worship you."

Unfortunately they aren't to impressed. [OOC: Relations up to +153]

3 June
Our business in Venice is expanded. An Austrian salesman of "dirty" novels is sent packing home. His goods are confiscated and taken to the Doge's palace.

1 Augusti
The army is now almost completely prepared. We have thirteen thousand infantrymen, one thousand cavalrymen and thirty cannons. Everything is under the command of General Uffreducci, our contrys foremost expert on sieges. The army will now spend some days training and preparing.

1 november: War! At last the army begins moving onto Papal territory. I am writing this on my horse, riding next to the General. The Grand Duke assigned me to making sure that things are done according to his will. The declaration of war was delivered by me earlier today.

Me: "By the way, Lord Gritti, we declare war on you."

Lord Gritti, the Papal ambassador: "What!? How can you do such a thing!"

M: "Quite easy. Now get out or I will have you hung."

LG: "But wait a minute, I thought we were friends?"

M: "I guess not, you pompous ****. Guards! Arrest this man!"

The war declaration created some unrest within the clergy. Damn fools! I hope they don't incite rebellious thoughts into the peasants.[OOC: Stability to 0]

I am also sad to note that not a single one of the Popes allies betrayed them.

21 November
We have finally reached the Province of Emilia. My spies tell me that the Papal armies escaped us in a matter of days. They have fled into Romagna.

23 November

Me: "I'm tired of this sieging thingy. When will things pick up general?"

Uffreducci: "Some sieges can take years, mylord."

M: "Booooorring. Can't you storm or something?"

U: "I don't know if that is the smartest thing to..."

M: "Storm I tells ya!

The men rush against the scarred walls and begin to to climb over.

4 December
After a long and hard battle the city is ours. We will move on to Romagna immediately.

14 December
Scouts tell me that the Popes army has begun a siege on Florence. Those naive sods.

25 December
We have reached the province of Romagna. Since the General was asleep when we arrived I ordered an immediate rush at the small fortress.

29 December
An army from Savoy lands in Luca. I hope that an army from France isn't coming with them.

2 January 1495
Our men fought like lions and the Papal garrison fought like frogs. The province is ours.

We hold peace talks with the Pope in Rome. He refuses giving up the province of Emilia. Looks like we have to convince him the hard way. We move on Rome, the eternal city.

22 January
We have reached the walls of Rome. On top on one of the walls I can see the Pope himself.

Pope: "Hey Lord Badbreath! You chicken. I bet you don't have the guts to storm this city."

Me: "What!?"

P: "Go on, I dare ya!"

M: "Charge!!!"

After four days of horrific battle, during which I observed the fighting from my tent, Rome has fallen. I gave the Pope my revenge, he had two wild horses attached to his testicles and was dragged through the streets of Rome. Luckily he survived,

2 February
We had plundered the city of Rome for days when it was time for peace talks. The talks were held in a tent outside of Rome.

Me: "Welcome, your holiness. You look a bit uncomfortable, is anything wrong?"

Pope: [Extremely high-pitched] "Watch it!"

M: "He he. These are our demands: the provinces of Romagna and Emilia plus the entire Papal treasury."

P: "I don't know..."

M: "Either you accept it or we will kill the entire population of Rome."

P: "So?"

M: "Including you."

P: "We accept your demands."

Peace, peace at last! I follow the victorious Tuscan army to Romagna. From there I move on to Florence.

Me: "I'm reporting back from the war, Sire."

Grand Duke: "Great! Good work and all that!"

M: "Thank you, Sire."

GD: "How was the Pope?"

M: "He was...castrated."

GD: "I beg your pardon!?"

M: "Nothing."

The war of an idiot was over

[Pavlov]

That's it for today, kids. I warn you though, I have twentyfive more of these.

I noticed now there were tons of typos in the text but I hope you can look past that.

Some feedback would be nice, just for fun.

[Heresson]

Interesting and ejoyable, but so looooooooooooooo
oooong that I'll have to save it and read it all after leaving
the web.

[Pavlov]

Cheers, Heresson. I spose it could be hard for modem-users. Wouldn't want to pay money every minute just to read a geeky AAR.

[Heresson]

I begged my parents not to install internet access
because it would ruin my life. I was right. But they did that.
moreover, they installed modem... After several years of complaining they decided to change that a bit -but only when I have already moved to my study town, and not a stable connection, but some strange abonament for 30h/week, which costs more than a stable connection. I do not understand my parents.
Sorry, haven't read that yet. I'm not soing anything that I should, I'm just playing and playing as Venice...
Well, it was only now that I discovered that You can attack
forts instead of slow and sometimes just worthless (if a province isn't able to support enough big armies) siege I would have everything much easier if I knew about that earlier.

[Heresson]

Now I have read it all.
my favourites are GD at the balcony,
Pomeranian map exchange and pope's reply to your slaughter threat

[Galvatron]

I'm paying a fixed charge at the end of each month so I can afford it to stay logged on a long time and read all your interesting stories hope this tradition will continue.

[Pavlov]

Whee! Two readers! I'll post two more updates just to annoy the hell out of you modem-users.

[Pavlov]

2 March
I decide to send two more traders to Venice. More income wouldn't be bad.

25 March
Three interesting news:
1. Sweden has joined the Danish alliance. Seems like they want to continue to be ruled from Copenhagen.

2. An old fisherman on our Adriatic coast told me that he had sighted the Papal navy cruising about in the Adriatic. Apparentely they have fallen to piracy and now annoy the Venetian trade-ships. I hope that they remain unhurt until we can gather them later. Right now it would be too expensive to construct a navy.

3. It's my birthday! Huzzah! A great party will be held later tonight at my villa. Everyones invited. Not. Only people who can pay the ticket costing 10 ducats will be allowed in. Trespassers will be killed. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

1 April
Some man from Persia tells me that the government in Isfahan have been overthrown. Must be an April fools joke.

2 April
The traders we sent to Venice failed. They weren't let into the trading house because they didn't match up to the "dresscode". The Venetians sent me a bill on 14 ducats for "Travel, lodging and whores". Nuts.

3 April
Lord Nocardia's office

Scientist: "Good morning, mylord."

Me: "What do you want? I'm busy."

S: "We have a new invention."

M: "What is it?"

S: "This!" He holds out a spheric object made out of leather.

M: "So what do you do with it?"

S: "We load it in our cannons and fire it at our enemies."

M: "But it is so light. It won't hurt anyone."

S: "Ah, but the enemy doesn't know that, does he?"

M: "So?"

S: "They will think it is a cannonball and flee as fast as their feet can carry them!"

M: "What's it called?"

S: "A football."

M: "I think I have a better idea..."

The throne room. The Grand Duke is sitting by himself and being bored.

Grand Duke: "God, I'm bored! I mean I'm so bored that even the most bored man on earth isn't as bored as me. I'm..."

Me: (Bursting through the doors) "Grand Duke! I have fun news!"

GD: "How dare you interrupt me while I'm working with state affairs!"

M: "I heard you talking from the other side of the doors."

GD: "Damn. What do you want anyway?"

M: "See this? It is a football. You kick on it. The object of the game is to put the football between two poles."

GD: "That sounds fun. How many does it take to play?"

M: "Let's make it ten. And a person to guard the poles."

GD: "A poleguard?"

M: "Exactly!"

GD: "Gather a team. I will be the star, the person who puts the ball between the poles!"

M: "Yes, Sire."

So I gathered a team of the strongest and quickest of the nobility in Florence. In an attempt to improve relations with the Spaniards we send them the secret of the football. They even sent a team from Spain to play against our team. We won, of course, after Silvio cut the ears of the Spanish poleguard. Those Spaniards will never be able to play football I tell you.


A wind of terror blows through Europe...

The news arrived on the twentyfirst of July. France had declared war on England over the province of Calais. All of France's allies: Bretagne, Savoy, Navarra and Poland-Lithuania. Even the Papal states followed in. I don't know if they will live through this war...

On the English side was Spain, Naples, Kurpfalz and the Mameluck "empire". An interesting piece of information was that Milano dishonoured the alliance. That means that they are all alone.

When the news arrived, the council held an urgent meeting.

In the councilroom. Lord Frochuai has the word. Noone in the council trusts him since his father came from France.

Lord Frouchai: "I urge that the realm of Tuscany makes a stand for France and fight on their side! We should attack Naples at once!"

Me: "We could do that. Or we could go to lunch. My treat. I ask for a vote."

Councilmen (except Lord Frouchai): "LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!"

M: "I find that decision taken. Let's go."

LF: "But wait, you can't just..."

M: "Oh and arrest that man guards. I hereby charge him for treason and being French."

LF: "It's not a crime being French!"

M: "Now it is. Take him away, boys."

5 Augusti
Nothing new has been reported from the war but I have heard that the Papal/Pirat-navy in the Adriatic sunk today. It appears that they hit some rocks. The eleven ships sunk at once.

1 October
Still no news from the war. We sent two traders to Venice. Maybe we can use this time of war to profit on other peoples problems. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Sorry, I couldn't hold it in.

1 November
Success! We expanded our business in Venice and competed an Irish swamp-salesman out of business.

1 March
At last! A report from the war: Forces from Navarra have captured Franche-Comte. Their army have started moving towards the main coalition army consisting of over 45 thousand men. So far no sight of the war on the Italian peninsula.

1 April
We sent two merchants to Venice.

1 May
Success again! We expanded our business in Venice. We also drew a Prussian salesman out of business. He was selling hats with a spike on them. Strange fashion in Germany.

1 June
Spies tell me that an English force of some eight thousand men has landed close to Rome. They drove out the small Papal army which is now fleeing towards Naples.

1 August
The Papal army was totally destroyed in Naples and it is clear that the main army under Ferdinand II is now moving in the direction of Rome.

1 September
The main army from Naples joined the English in Rome and they are now sieging the city together.

18 September
Artois was captured by French forces. So far the war has gone France's way.

1 October
Two merchants were sent to Venice.

1 November
The only thing those merchants accomplished was competing another Irish swamp-salesman out of business.

1 January
Happy new year! In Rome the Pope held an emotional speech in the Cathedral. Moved by his words a thousand men under Borgia stormed out through the gates of Rome and bravely attacked the forces from Naples and England. The brave Romans were cut down to the last man. I wonder how this war will end...

[Pavlov]

The throne-room

Grand Duke: "I say, lord Numb-skull, this new football-game is like a renaissance for our country"

Me: "That's lord Nocardia, sire. Besides, the renaissance has already occured."

GD: "No way! When?"

M: "Some years ago, sire."

GD: "Oh. Is that why all those arty-farty guys are running about in the palace?

M: "I would belive so, sire."

GD: "You know, I'm tired of being called Grand Duke. I want to be called emperor or something."

M: "Well, if you capture Rome, Constantinople or Moscow you should be able to call yourself emperor."

GD: "Good. Can we do that now?"

M: "Not now. Maybe later."

GD: "Oh"


February 9 1497
Odd news. Persia has declared war on the Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth. That must be a lie.

March 2
The news arrived just five minutes ago. The English have "totally, for always, no looking back" annexed the Papal states. Well, it's just Rome but anyway. What a shock. I have always hated the Pope, with his prayers and "I can talk to God" and all that. But this, these so-called Europeans coming here to Italy and thinking they can do whatever they want.

April 1
Algeria declared war on Morocco. The Osman empire joined in on the Algerian side. This war seems uninteresting. I think I'll play some table-tennis today.

April 3
We sent off two traders to Venice

April 7
A man, dirty and smelly arrived at my office today...
Lord Nocardia's office

Me: "Who are you, smelly man?"

Smelly man: "My name is J. Tobacco. Ten years ago Lord Lana send me away to explore a route by land to India. For that purpose he gave me five hundred ducats."

M: "So tell me about your journey then."

JT: "I started off alright but when I reached Constantinople I took the wrong road so I arrived at the land of the Golden horde instead. I have lived at their court for three years now."

M: "Not India? Well I suppose the Golden horde is always something. What have you brought?"

JT: "I've learned how to say 'Nice camel, Ahmed' in Arabic."

M: "Yes..."

JT: "And I brought this slave, caught in the lands of Astrakhan. Urgh!"

A tall man with an extremely large red beard enters the room

M: "What in the name of Jesus is that!?"

JT: "It's Urgh. One urgh means yes and two means no. He is my gift to you."

M: "I see. So, Urgh, do you like Florence so far?"

Urgh: "Urgh"

M: "Great. So what else have you brought, signore Tobacco?"

JT: "I have this. The latest in Golden horde military technology. It's a rusty, yet pointy spear."

M: "So that's it. One red-bearded savage, some phrase and a spear. We payed five hundred ducats for this?!"

JT: "Guess so."

M: "Could I look at that spear?"

JT: "Sure. Argh..wrgh...[OOC: This is a an old "in-joke" of the AAR-crowd, don't feel sad if you don't understand it]


April 23
Latest news from the war. Troops from Navarra have taken control of Calais.

May 3
Our traders failed. As usual.

June 1
Chock! Horror! A rebellion has erupted in Emilia. Some smelly old peasant has been crowned as king. Our army starts to prepare for action again. [OOC: Raised army maintenance]

July 1
With preparations finished, our army moves against Emilia to kill the peasants and shove a large onion up the peasant-kings backside.

July 2
The war continues to go well for the French alliance. The French now control Luxemburg too.

July 21
The army reaches Emilia and starts to hunt down and kill every peasant they can find.

July 29
The killing is complete and the onion has been shoved. The rebellion, from now on known as the "Aching buttocks-rebellion", has been crushed.

September 1
The Grand Duke used 324 ducats that he got from God-knows-where to reform the army.

The throne room

Me: "So where did the money come from, sire?"

Grand Duke: "Well, I was in the cathedral last night. On my way to the confession booth I suddenly ended up in the basement. There I found a coffin marked with "The one who steals from this coffin is doomed forever". Inside were some money, so I took it."

M: "That was probably the money from the pardons. You realize that you now are forever doomed to a life after this in hell?"

GD: "Get out of here! You kidder!"

M: "Suit yourself."

October 1
We sent two traders to Venice. Again.

November 1
Yet another rebellion. This time in Romagna. The orders to the army are simple. Kill every peasant who goes armed, find their leader, rub him with honey and throw him in cage with two wild bears.

And another thing: we expanded our business in Venice.

December 1
The army starts moving against Romagna. They bring plenty of honey and some bears.

December 21
They arrive and start the battle.

January 1
Right in the middle of battle a new commander, Machiavelli, arrives to take command of the army. Now we have three commanders. I think I'll have to poison one of them soon, this is getting annoying.

[Pavlov]

The throne-room

Grand Duke: "I say, mylord, these rebellions are very annoying. Can't you do something about them?"

Me: "I can try. I will start evaluating new means of torture tomorrow."


January 6
The rebellion that has been going on since the beginning of the year is now finally crushed.

February 1
Yet another rebellion in Romagna. 7500 peasants were upset about the new pants-tax that we started collecting today.

February 11
The rebellion is crushed and their leader has been strangled by a pair of pants.

April 1
During the traditional April-fools party I told two merchants to go to Venice. They didn't understand the joke and we haven't seen them since.

April 6
Annoying news. Milano has joined the Austrian alliance. This means that we can't crush them easily.

April 7

Lord Nocardia's office

Smelly peasant: "I have some interesting news for you, mylord."

Me: "Like what?"

SP: "The other day I was digging out dung as I always do on fridays. While doing that I found this." He holds out a greyish piece of stone.

M: "It's a stone."

SP: "No, mylord, it's a piece of that fine metal Bardanium."

M: "Are you drunk or something? Give me the stone and get out of here."

SP: "But won't I get a reward?"

M: "Here you go" I throw a soap at him.

SP: "Aahh! A soap!" He runs away.


Later that day I sold the stone to the Swedish ambassador and told him it was gold. He gave me a hundred ducats for it. Stupid idiot. [OOC: Random event: Valuable mineral]

June 1
Our military advisors have finally continued their studies on artillery tactics. The idea has spread to the army. They are very pleased.


The office of the supreme commander

Me: "So how did you do before you got to know this tactic?"

Supreme commander: "We simply fired the cannons anywhere. Now we aim at the enemy."

M: "Great."


To celebrate the new tactics we recruit one cannon and two thousand infantrymen in Romagna to support the fight against the rebels.

July 1
Our naval technology is also improved to better cannons. Pretty useless since we have no navy.

July 27
After a daring raid on Mainz by forces from Savoy Kurpfalz have bought themselves peace for 41 ducats. The big war continues.

August 1
It is time to test our new tactics. Another rebeelion under the leader Dennis Spumante starts in Romagna.

August 5
The rebel army has been crushed! Our cannons turned the smelly peasants into mincemeat. Dennis Spumante was caught alive and will be taken to Florence for torture and death.

The throne room

Grand Duke: "So how will you torture this rebel leader?"

Me: "I hired two experts from Germany. Hans and Sepp are the best belchers in the world. We will tie this Dennis Spumante to a pole and then have Hans and Sepp belch at him until he dies. For this they will be given 15 litres of beer each day."

GD: "Won't that be expensive?"

M: "Nah, the beer comes from New England. It's dirt cheap and tastes like water."

GD: "Excellent."

September 27
The French alliance have made a separate peace with the Spanish. Artois and Luxemburg go to the French.

October 1
Sent two merchants to Venice. I never heard from them again.

December 27
Peace in Europe! The English pay 201 ducats to the French for peace. The war is over.

[Pavlov]

The year of boredom

January 1 1499

The throne-room

Me: "Happy new year, sire, I hope this year will be less rebellious then the last."

Grand Duke: "Happy new year? Happy new year? Every enlightened person knows that the world will meet its end on the first day of the year 1500."

M: "Why?"

GD: "Because the Lord likes round, even numbers."

M: "Why didn't he destroy the earth in the year 1000 then?"

GD: "How am I supposed to know? Anyway, I'm sure that the world will end soon."

M: "I'll bet you a good bottle of Tuscan wine that it doesn't, sire."

GD: "You're on."

January 10
Peace among the heathens. Morocco have taken the province of Atlas from Algiers.

January 15
The peace in Europe is ripped apart by a Danish declaration of war on the Teutonic order. Denmarks allies join in on the Danish side and the Teutonic orders allies also follow the call to battle. Denmark, Norway, Scotland and Sweden fight against the Teutonic order, Prussia and Georgia.

March 22
Spain declares war on something they call the "Aztecs". They must have been drinking to much of that Spanish "wine".

April 1

The throne-room

Me: "So, sire, it's time to repay our loan now."

Grand Duke: "What? We have to repay it? I thought someone just gave the money to us."

M: *sigh* "No we have to repay it. That's the point of a loan."

GD: "Oh, alright, do what you must."

We repay the loan. Left in the treasury is 81 ducats.

To regain our financial strength we send two merchants to Genua. We will not be able to make the same kind of revenue that we make in Venice but the competition in Genua is weaker.

April 28
The country of Pskov has become a vassal to the Russians. I really don't care.

May 1
Our financial investment has payed off. One of our traders opened business in Genua. A sand-merchant from the Hafsides was put out of business.

August 8
Sad news today. The co-general of our troops in Romagna, general Vitelli has sadly passed away. He died after a lunch at the house of general Uffreducci. His last words were: "I was poisoned by Uffre..urghh...." I wonder what this cryptic sentence means. A minute of silence was held among the prostitutes of Florence, they mourned the death of their most generous contributor.

October 1
Two more merchants are sent towards Genua. I reminded the Grand Duke of our bet and he merely muttered something like: "just two more months, just two more..."

November 1
Our business in Genua was expanded and a sausage-salesman from Brandenburg was sent home.

30 December 11:57
The throne-room

Me: "So, sire, only three minutes left now."

Grand Duke: "Oh, heavenly father, forgive me, for I have sinned..."

M: "One minute left..."

GD: "So this is the end. Tragic."

M: "Five. Four. Three. Two. One..."

GD: "Oh no, I don't want to die!"

M: "Zero. Happy new year!"

GD: "Darn."

M: "You owe me a bottle of wine, sire."

February 1
The peasants around Rome were finally fed up with the foreign rule and started a rebellion. I wonder if the English will send troops to stop the rebels or if this is the end of English rule over Rome.

March 1
A white peace was signed between Poland-Lithuania and Persia since neither side could reach the other.

April 1
Some rebels on the Portuguese islands of Cape Verde have taken control of it and killed every foreign man they could find. Noone really cares.

[Pavlov]

The years when nothing really happened

The remaining parts of 1500 were spent playing fotball, drinking wine and thinking about new ways to torture rebels. Nothing happened until...

September 13
Some really important news: Rome has been captured by rebels. They want to reunite the Papal states and this was just the first step. The army has been prepared for march against wherever the rebels move towards. This is another sign that the feeble English aren't able to take care of their spoils of war.

October 1
While arranging for the sending of two merchants to Genua I got the news that the rumour was true: the rebels are marching towards Romagna with the battle cry: "Viva el Papa!" The army is frantically making preparations for a new battle.

November 1
With preparations prepared the Tuscan army begins moving towards Romagna where they will engage the Roman rebelscum in battle.

The merchants we sent to Genua were partially succesful. Our business was expanded and we outcompeted a merchant from Genua.

November 21
The battle of Romagna begins. Our battle-hardened veterans face a mix of ex-Papal army-soldiers and peasants.

November 27
After a tough battle the rebel army has been crushed. Our soldiers were so infuriated after the battle that they plundered some farms outside Ancona. Our officers had to kill some on the spot just to stop the looting.

December 24

The Grand Duke's ballroom, late night

During the annual christmas-party there are plenty of drinking, laughing and chatting people milling about in the ballroom.

Lord Caruti: "I say Lord Nocardia, this party is absolutely smashing. Look the Grand Duke is doing his playing-dead party trick on the floor!"

Me: "Nah, he's probably just drunk. Merry Christmas! I'm going to go and talk to the general."

LC: "See you later!"

General Uffreducci: [Drunk]"So I said to the rebel: You can take your Pope and shove him! Hahahahaha!!!!"

The Papal ambassador in exile is not amused by the generals story.

M: "Come, general. Let us go to the drink-table."

GU:[Really drunk] "You know, Lord Nocardia I've always thought of you as.."*falls asleep*

M: "That's one drunken general less I suppose. Hey Machiavelli, over here!"

Machiavelli: "How are you doing, mylord? Look the Grand Duke is still doing his playing-dead party trick. I thought it was fun the first two minutes but now it's just dull."

M: "Yes it is a bit boring. I'll go wake him up."

I go over the Grand Duke, flip him over and to my great surprise I find...

[Pavlov]

I'll leave you dangling there, I think.

I have to admit that I chuckled myself at some of my own jokes. Feel's wrong somehow.

[Oerdin]

Do you think things would be going any different if this game had been played in EU2 instead of EU1?

[Pavlov]

Oh, prolly. But unfortunately I don't have EU2 so I can't really compare. To support Pavlov in getting EU2, please send five bucks to: Pavlov, Loserville, Europe

[Oerdin]

Does moral support count?

[Pavlov]

Originally posted by Oerdin
Does moral support count?

NO!

Uh, btw, I'll post some more parts later today. It appears that this exciting cliffhanger didn't quite make the crowds wild with anticipation. I spose I have quite a good amount for readers for a forum that is read by about three persons.

[Galvatron]

Well but those 3 people are all yours so see it this way: you got intellectual spectators. It's quality not quantity and yeahh I'm looking forward to your next part it's really funny and exciting.

[Pavlov]

yea, yea. I know you just say that to get a higher PC. I know, I've done that myself.

(+1)

[Galvatron]

Galvatron and Pavlov hand in hand on the run to get a higher PC hey we're doing quite good pal

[Pavlov]

Here's what last happened on 'The life and times of the Nocardia family':

Machiavelli: "How are you doing, mylord? Look the Grand Duke is still doing his playing-dead party trick. I thought it was fun the first two minutes but now it's just dull."

M: "Yes it is a bit boring. I'll go wake him up."

I go over the Grand Duke, flip him over and to my great surprise I find...

And now, I proudly present:

The ninth chapter of the Tuscany AAR


I find out that it isn't the Grand Duke but a woman wearing his clothes. She has a knife buried deep in her back.

Me: (Loudly) "Listen up everybody, could I have your attention please."

The loud talking ends.

Me: "This woman has been killed by someone who thought he was going to kill the Grand Duke. There is a killer among us and the Grand Duke is in great danger! Where is the commander of the Grand Duke's lifeguard?"

Commander: (Extremely drunk) "I am over here and...scho dishcy..."

He falls to the ground.

Woman in the crowd: "Oh my God, he's been killed too!"

Me: "Don't worry about him, he's just pissed. Where is the Grand Duke then?"

Man in the crowd: "There he is, balancing on the railing of the balcony!"

Grand Duke: "I AM A GOLDEN GOD!"

Me: "Bloody hell"

Grand Duke: "I CAN FLY!"

Me: "Damn and yet again damn, that freaking idiot had to go and snort the wine."

The Grand Duke starts to wobble a bit and looses his balance, falling helplessly to the ground. The ground that is three stories down. All the party guests run out on the balcony to look on the remains of a Grand Duke. Some spit on him.

Me: "Crap-a-doodle-dandy. Just what this country needs, a squashed leader."

The tragic death shocked the people. They were told that the Grand Duke had died in a duel with a man who had disgraced the honour of Tuscany by farting on our flag. Because the janitors haven't been able to scrape the Grand Duke of the piazza we buried the dead woman instead. God knows who she was or where she came from. The Grand Duke's tombstone read:

"The greatest Tuscan Grand Duke. Except Lorenzo the Smart. And Filippo the brave. Oh, well he was pretty good anyway"


Until a new Grand Duke could be elected the council ruled the country.

The council-room

Eight men are sitting around a table. All look very tired and gloomy.

Lord Gritti: "I suppose we all are sad that the Grand Duke passed away..."

Me: "No, we all have hangovers, don't talk so loudly."

LG: "Wait a minute. How can you all have hangovers, you told me the christmas party stopped after the Grand Duke died. That was only after one hour of partying."

M: "Well if you really must know we continued for five more hours. I vote to ajourn this meeting because of hangover. All in favor."

Council members, except Lord Gritti: "Aye"

M: "All against."

LG: "Nay"

The meeting was ajourned.

Two hours later.

Me: "Now that we all have beat up Lord Gritti and have had a nap we can continue. We need to find someone who is charming enough to fool the people but stupid enough to let us control the country. I vote for this smashing fellow Piero Soderino. He's a really nice guy. Does anyone object?"

Council members: "Well, now that you ask..."

M: "Good. I'll talk to Soderino later. See you next meeting.

Lord Nocardia's office

Me: "So, Piero Soderino, I suppose you can guess why have I've brought you here."

Piero Soderino: "No."

M: "Good. We want you to be the Grand Duke of all of Tuscany."

PS: "Grand Duke? Nah, I'd rather be king."

M: "Okay, king it is. Your election is on the first of January. Be there or be hanged, drawn and quartered."

PS: "Okay, dude."

He walks out

M: (To myself): What an idiot. A suiting replacement for our Grand Duke."

January 1
The crowning was a great success. Using the money that we got from selling off pieces of the Grand Duke's corpse as souvenirs we held a magnificent crowning of his Royal highness Piero I. He will be a good puppet for my evil plans...Which I haven't even found out yet. I haven't even got any evil plans, what a failure. I will have to think about it.

February 1
After one month of rule of our new king I haven't received a single order. I suppose he wants me to handle things until he has had the time to learn all the details of Tuscan rule.

I received the news that a rebellion has started in Emilia. The rebels obviously believe that the death of our Grand Duke is a sign of weakness. We will shov them, the army is already on it's way towards Emilia. I hope that the rebels can be defeated before they have a chance to loot the province.

February 19
The army has arrived in Emilia and are fighting the rebels.

February 23
Victory! The rebels are beaten and their leader has been beaten with a bible until he died.

April 1
Still no orders from the king. Not even the palace-guard have seen him. I'll have to guess what to do. In accordance with that I sent two merchants to Genua.

May 1
The traders were partially succesful. Our business was expanded and a mud-merchant from Pommerania was forced out of business.

June 1
Our financial situation received a blow today. One of our merchants in Venice was outcompeted. I hope that the income from Genua can cover the lost income from Venice.

July 1
Rome is still under rebel's control. Now it appears that the English are losing control of their Irish provinces. The province of Meath is in full rebellion.

October 1
To regain our financial strength we send two merchants to Venice.

November 1
Doh! Our merchants succeded only in competing a Spainsh merchant out of business.

January 1
After one year's rule under his royal highness Piero I we still haven't achieved anything. I suppose it's time to decide the near future of Tuscany. I will met with the king later today and discuss our different alternatives.

[Pavlov]

January 1 1502

The throne-room

Me: "So, your royal highness, what have you been doing during this first year as king?"

King: "I have tried the local food and tested the wine-cellar. The wine-cellar needs to be refilled by the way."

M: "It's empty!? But there were more then four hundred bottles in there!?"

K: "All gone. Except one wine, a norwegian wine."

M: "The fish-wine from Trondheim?"

K: "How do they make fish-wine anyway?"

M: "Well they squash a fish and...don't change the subject!"

K: "Who's the king?"

M: "You are"

K: "That's right. So how should our policies look in the future?"

M: "My suggestion is that we wait five years and then attack Venice or another good target."

K: "Why five years?"

M: "In five years the kings of Europe will have forgotten what we did to the Pope."

K: "Good. Do that, I'm off for dinner."

M: "But it's only three o'clock!"

K: "Watch it, I eat when I want to."

M: "Yes, your royal highness."

January 2
As a thank for Bretagne's help during the French-Spanish war they are no longer vassals of France. The French alliance remains the same way.

January 4
Using Bretagne's example Genua demand and get total freedom and are no longer vassals of Milano. Could this be a trend?

April 1
We sent two traders to Venice.

April 10
The Spanish annexed their vassals Naples. I hope that this means rebellions in Naples. The Spanish took over the powerful armies of Naples.

May 1
Our business in Venice was expanded.

November 1
To strenghten our defences against the Spanish and the rebels we upgrade our fortress in Romagna.

1503

February 5
One of our traders in Venice was competed out of business.

February 7
To regain our financial strength we send two merchants to Venice.

March 7
Our business in Venice was expanded and a Prussian was competed out of business.

April 3
Two more traders were sent to Venice.

May 3
The traders achieved nothing.

June 13
Sad news. Our war hero, the great general Uffreducci has died. He choked on an oyster during a feast. His second-in-command, Machiavelli, will take control of the army.

September 1
At last! A rebellion has erupted in Naples, taking control of the city's fortifications. They were immediately attacked by the Spanish army. I fear that our Italian cousins are doomed.

September 26
After a quick battle and a storming of the fortress in Naples the Spanish have yet again taken control of Naples.

November 1
Our fortifications in Romagna are fully upgraded.

November 7
I met with an explorer:

Lord Nocardia's office

Me: "So what do you want, explorer?"

Explorer: "My name is S Tobacco. I have been exploring the swamps of the Spanish lowlands."

M: "I can feel that. Euch. S Tobacco, are you a relative of J Tobacco?"

SC: "Alas, he was my brother. He was found in the moat with a spear through his head, right after meeting you."

M: "What a coincidence. He he. So what have you got for me?"

SC: "Mylord, I bring great news. I have found an elixir that is rumoured to give eternal life."

M: "Yes?"

Sc: "Behold!" He holds out a bottle with a green liquid in it that looks surprisingly like swampy water.

SC: "Would you like to try it, mylord?"

M: "How can I be sure it's not a trap? You try it first."

SC: "Yes, mylord." He drinks some of the swampy water.

M: "So how was it?"

SC: "Really disgusting. But I'm fine, I feel absolutely...urghhhhhhhhh"

M: "Crap. Looks like more job for the cleaners."

Even as I write this down I am laughing. What a fool! Hahahaha... Ouch, my heart. I better not...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh..........


Ladies and gentlemen, I am Lord Giuseppe Nocardia, major in the Tuscan army. This book was given to me during the funeral. My father was found lying over it, his last words scribbled in it. My father has never mentioned me in this book. He never liked me because I joined the army and didn't become a politician like him. The king has chosen me as the new "Royal advisor in the fields of Military technology, strategy and juggling"

I will try to be worthy of the task, we will continue by the path layed out by my father, at least for now.

1504

February 14
Algeria declares war on the Hafsides, the Turk joins in on the Algerian side.

March 20
Persia declares war on a tribe in India called the Moguls.

April 1
A new era has apparantely arrived, the early baroque. I wonder how they know that a later baroque will come.

August 1
Our infrastructure is also upgraded to early baroque. Big deal.

November 6
After a boring summer during which the king did nothing but eat and I only grew bored we have finally received some interesting news.

France has declared war on the Spanish alliance. Every alliance member on both sides join in. Look like a large war is on the horizon.

1505

January 1
A heretic religion has spread like a bush-fire over Tuscany. The religion, called Idiotism, involves getting drunk and throwing small fish on policemen. This might cause trouble.
[OOC: Wave of obscurantism: +3 rebel percentage, no worries]

January 8
The war between the infidels stopped when the Hafsids payed the Algerians with seventy-two ducats.

January 14
The first victim of the great war, Köln are annexed by the French.

February 1
It comes as a complete surprise to me: Our alliance has expired! [OOC: Really, I thought it would continue until 1699, I must have been a bit lazy checking the diplo-screen]

We take the chance by arranging a royal marriage with Genua and then declaring war on Alfonso I of Modena.

The declaration caused severe distress among the people [OOC: Stab to 0]. Our entire resources now go to ensuring the stability in Tuscany.

I joined the army when it started moving towards Modena. I will act as the representative of the war-ministry on site.

February 3
Our former allies, the knights of Rhodes, joined the Spanish alliance today. What do I care, I'm going to war!

February 20
We arrived today and a battle has already ensued with the army of Modena.

March 8
After a long and hard battle the men of Tuscany have proven their strength. We won and will besiege the city of Modena at once.

March 11
To support the siege I ordered four thousand infantrymen to be recruited in Luca.

March 23
I am to met the French ambassador today, it's a matter of large importance apparantely.

The restaurant "Le smelly food" in Florence

Me: "Let's get down to business, what do you want?"

French ambassador: "Some more frogs?"

M: "No, thank*urp*you."

FA: "Very well. We would like to invite you to join our alliance."

M: "I don't think so. Your ememies, the Spanish, are very powerful in Naples. We do not want to fight them yet."

FA: "You refuse to join the most powerful alliance on earth!?"

M: "Yes, that's correct. Now if you excuse me. I'm going back to the army in Modena."

May 11
The soldiers in Luca are prepared. We will give them two months for training until we send them to war. The war might be over by then.

June 9
Victory! The city of Modena is captured! Modena is annexed! I celebrated with a large banquet all through the night. The soldiers were given an extra helping of porridge as a sign of our gratitude.

Long live Tuscany!

[Pavlov]

After our glorious campaign against the feeble Modena we gained not only the province of Modena but also the former army of Modena and their small navy. Their army will be added to the Tuscan army to strenghten our hold on our provinces. The navy, one warship and two transports, will be the base for the Tuscan navy that someday will rule the Mediterranean.

To increase the navy we will build some warships. Before that we must regain our stability and create peace in our war-ridden country.

June 24
Navarra makes a separate peace with the Spanish alliance, they will pay 156 ducats to the Spanish.

July 1
I was called to the king today...

The throne-room

King: "Ah, finally you're here, lord Nocardia. You did a great job planning and executing the campaign against Modena. As thanks for all the years of trusty service you have given to Tuscany, I award you with a castle in Modena and five farms. You will also, as the first man, get the honourable title: Knight of the order of Tuscany."

Me: "Actually, the campaign was planned by Machiavelli."

King: "What's that?"

M: "Nothing. Thank you your royal highness, it's all to much."

July 26
Some idiot in Poland-Lithuania thinks it's time for a useless war. They declare war on Scotland and get the entire French alliance behind them. Scotland calls on their Scandinavian allies and gets their support.

October 24
The Teutonic order signs a separate peace with Sweden. Sweden gets 82 ducats.

January 1 1506
Finally, experts claim that our country is now totally stable. I had them executed, of course. Damn traitors, calling our beautiful country a stable.

After months of hassle we finally move the four thousand men we recruited in Luca to the main Tuscan army. The remains of the army of Modena are also joining the main army.

January 10
The French juggernaut keeps rolling. Today they annexed Lothringen. These French are getting a bit too powerful.

September 7
After a long and hard summer I spent on the beaches of Modena and at my new castle I finally got back to work. Not that anything interesting has happened. The only thing is that Kurpfalz payed 70 ducats to the French to get them off their backs.

1506 January 4
We begin building the first ship to add to the small navy we already have. We name it after our king. We expect "Lardass" to be complete in a couple of months.

July 21
Yet another separate peace. The cowardly English pay the French 80 ducats for peace. The French are getting quite rich on this war.

August 29
The mighty Spain have payed the small Savoyans 108 ducats for peace. If this is what can be achived by those useless "northern Italians" then imagine what we real Italians can do.

October 4
I witnessed the launching of our flagship "Lardass" today. It is a mighty fine ship with a figure-head looking like a golden copy of our king. The building of our second ship, "Bingo", started at once.

1508 January 1
Our naval-specialists reported that a new kind of cannon-balls have been invented. They are apparentely more effective and they can be used for bowling.

Looking back on thse years I can only think: My, those were some boring years.

[Pavlov]

March 1
A rebellion erupts in Romagna. 12500 peasants take up arms as a protest against the latest beard-tax. They have shaved off their beards as a protest. Very well, we will shave of their heads. That will teach them. The army has already begun moving towards Romagna. I'm sad that I'm sitting here in my office when I could be there, fighting as a cavalry officer. Oh well.

April 21
The army reached Romagna today. They immediately encounter the beardless rebels and start to fight them.

May 1
Huzzah! The rebels were badly beaten and forced to eat up the beards they shaved off. They were then thrown into the Adriatic. This new rebellion gave me an idea. To stop rebellions in the future I will hire a torture-specialist. I know just the man, Pierre Panriche.

Lord Nocardia's office

A short man with an evil smile enters. It is Pierre Panriche, the best torturer in all of Europe.

Me: "Welcome monsieur Panriche. I have a proposition for you."

Pierre Panriche: "What kind of proposition, mylord"

M: "I want to hire you as the royal torture-expert. But first I want to see if you are suitable."

PP: "Go ahead."

M: "Right. Are you better than Guy Ouchkins of Essex?"

PP: "Bah. He couldn't make a little girl cry."

M: "What about Grigorij Smersjin from Moscow?"

PP: "Ha! He's victims thank him after being tortured. He's an amateur."

M: "And Erik Jävlarvadont from Sweden?"

PP: "Hmmm. Pretty good. But I'm better."

M: "Good. The job is yours."

To strengthen our army we recruit a thousand cavalrymen in Romagna.

July 4
Our second ship is complete.

July 7
The workers in Modena begin building our third ship which will be called "Tiramisu", named by our king.

September 1
A rebellion starts in Apulia. I hope that they are strong enough to beat those Spaniards.

October 1
A brekthrough has been made in our military research. Our scientists have discovered a kind of small, hand-held cannons. This will help us in our war against the rebels.

November 1
Once again the people of Apulia rebel against the Spanish.

December 20
A small English expeditionary force land in Rome and begin sieging the city.

1509


March 4
I have been ordered by the king to find him a new royal cook. The last one threw himself in the moat.

Lord Nocardia's office

Me: "Could candidate number one please come in?"

A tall man with an enormous red beard enters. He is wearing a chef's hat and a kilt.

M: "So you are chef James McDougal?"

Chef McDougal: "Aye, I am, mylord."

M: "Okay. Why did you leave your previous job at the royal castle in Edinburgh?"

CM: "They said that I attempted to poison to king."

M: "Did you?"

CM: "Aye...I mean nay, I dinna."

M: "Okay. You're resumé tells me that you're an expert when it comes to poison."

CM: "Wheest! That's not true. Och! What a stramash."

M: "I see. I'll let you know if you get the job. Could you send in candidate number two on your way out?"

CM: "If I maun, heid bummer."

M: "Errr...great"

The scotsman leaves and after a while a tall, blonde man enters.

M: "And you are chef Heinrich Müller?"

Heinrich Müller: "JA, HERR NOCARDIA!"

M: "Good. Could you please keep your voice down a bit?"

HM: "JA, HERR NOCARDIA!"

M: "Whatever. So you used to work at the Emperors court in Vienna?"

HM: "JA, DAS STIMMT!"

M: "So why did you leave?"

HM: "HE FIRED ME. HE CLAIMED I CONSTANTLY SHOUTED."

M: "Okay. What is your specialty?"

HM: "FRIED PIG WITH SAUERKRAUT UND WURST FOR DESSERT!"

M: "Sounds disgusting, but I'm not the one who's going to eat it. You got the job."

HM: "JA, HERR NOCARDIA!"

M: "Now get out and shout somewhere else."

HM: "JA, HERR..."

M: "Just get out and don't say anything."

It was duties like that that kept me busy during early 1509.

April 7
Yet another ship is complete. Our naval power is growing.

April 8
We begin building another ship. It is to be named "The ugly Spaniard".

June 28
The English force in Rome have retaken the holy city. Too bad.

1510

January 1
The citizens of Rome are finally fed up with the English and their grotesque food. They rebel under the slogan: "Yes to olive-oil, no to Yorkshire pudding!" We support our Italian cousins in irritating the English.

January 8
"The ugly Spaniard" is complete. Constructions begin on a new ship, "Bad breath".

January 15
The olive-oil rebellion has been crushed. The revolters were forced to eat and pretend to enjoy a full English breakfast. Barbarians.

March 26
This has been a big day. My wife Julia died while giving birth to a beautiful baby-girl. I am absolutely crushed. My beloved wife dying. I suppose she's in a better place now.

I would of course have been happier if I would have gotten a boy, but I will give this girl the best teachers in all the things you need to know. Someday she will have my position. This girl will be as good to me as any boy.

I will baptize her Catarina Julia Alexandra Nocardia. What I must do now is to bury my wife and try to find a new mother for little Catarina. Life goes on.

July 1
Another rebellion starts in southern Italy. The people of Naples revolt against the Spanish and especially the cost to buy time-share apartments on Mallorca.

July 20
The Naples-rebellion was quickly crushed. Once again Spanish travel-agents can charge absurdly high prices.

September 1
A rebellion starts in Apulia. It will probably be crushed quite soon.

October 9
"Bad breath" is complete and planes are layed out for a new ship. Constructions will start in a few months.

November 12
Today I married the beautiful Maria de Medici. She is the cousin of Giuliano de Medici, a promising young man. The rumours tells me that he would be supported by many noble-men if king Piero I died today. This marriage will get Catarina a mother and me increased power.

1511

January 1
To celebrate the new year constructions start on a new ship: "Ha ha! We will kick your asses!" The name isn't very catchy but what the hey.

October 1
The new ship is complete. The Tuscan navy is still puny and couldn't stand a chance against navies of Genua or Venice. But someday...

December 30
The royal ball-room. It is the annual New Years Eve party. The king is eating as usual.

Me: "How are you, your royal highness?"

King: "I am *burp* fine. Let me eat in peace."

M: "Certainly."

Only two minutes left now until the new year...

One minute...

Thirty seconds...


Ten...

Party people: "Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"

Exactly as everyone said "ONE!" the king started making funny noises and looking blue in the face.

M: "Are you sure you're alright, your royal highness?"

K: "Yes. Now leave me *URGH*

He's dead

M: "Could I have everyones attention please?"

The party gets silent. Everyone looks at the king who is lying on the floor and not moving.

M: "The king is dead!"

Party people: "HURRAH!!!"

K: "I'm not dead yet!"

M: "Oh, for Christs sake."

I kick him in the head.

M: "The king is dead now!"

PP: "HURRAH AGAIN!"

And the party continues until early in the morning...

1512

The council-room

Me: "Right mylords. As you all know the king is dead. Does anyone know of a suitable man who won't annoy business of the realm and who is presentable to the people?"

Council member: "What about that Giuliano de Medici. He seems good."

Me: "Any other suggestions?"

Another council member: "What about that bloke who always hangs out outside the palace? That man who has dirt all over his face."

M: "You mean Derek the latrine-man? No, he's too smart. I say we take this Giuliano."

Council: "Sounds good. Fine by me."

Later that day Giuliano de Medici was crowned Giuliano I. May his reign be blah blah blah.

[Pavlov]

That's all for today. (collective sighs of relief from the modem-users) I've soon posted half of the AAR.

[Galvatron]

"I AM A GOLDEN GOD!"

"I CAN FLY!"

Yes I know this feeling, have it too sometimes after some (or some more ) tequilas.

Well it's really nice to see that moving around some units and builds up your states can be so much fun. Did you think of all this on your own? You have a wonderful fantasy. pal.

[Pavlov]

Forgot about this. I have so much more and the demand is so high (cue crickets and wolf howling) so what the hey.

Galvie: Most of the jokes are stolen (inspired of you must) by Blackadder. Quality stuff, this a bit of a crappy spin-off.

1512

I had meeting with our new king today.

The throne-room

Me: "So your majesty, it's time to discuss this years budget."

King: "Boooring!"

M: "It's really important. Who do you think should get more money, the navy or the army?"

K: "Who cares?"

M: "Right. I'll decide myself, okay?"

K: "Fine by me."

So the king is a lazy good-for-nothing. He's still better than Piero I.

January 3
Finally, a peace in the Spanish-French-conflict. The French get the province of Franche-Comte.

March 3
A messenger arrived today with a message saying that Machiavelli has died. Too bad. This means that the army will be commanded by the usual young noble-men who couldn't become politicans.

April 26
The king of Hessen must be insane. Today he declared war on France. His allies join him and all of France's allies follow the call to battle.

April 30
Some snowy nation called Ryazan are no longer vassals of Russia. I could have cared but I don't.

June 1
We begin building one new ship in Modena and one in Romagna. Someday these expensive ships will come in handy.

July 18
Milano re-joins the Austrian alliance. We obviously missed that they broke up.

October 26
I was going to visit the king today and talk about the internal affairs of Tuscany.

The throne-room

I enter.

Me: "Good day, your majesty. How are..."

The king is lying on the floor with a dagger through his throat. Then a captain from the royal guards enter.

Captain: "Oh, my God! what has happened?"

M: "The king has been killed. He was killed with this dagger. It looks like the dagger that all the captains in the royal guards have. Where is your by the way?"

C: *blushing* "Oh, I must have forgotten it here and then the killer used it to kill the king."

M: "Of course. You killed him, didn't you?"

C: "No! Of course not? I loved the king! He was like a God to me."

M: "Blasphemy! And don't lie, everyone hated the king. I don't care who killed him as long as he's dead."

C: "Yes?"

M: "Here. Take your dagger and I'll tell everyone that it was an accident, that king fell and landed on a...knife."

C: "Thank you, mylord, thank you!"

M: "Just get out of here."

So the king was dead. The council took power until we could elect a new king.

The council-room

Me: "Once again it's time to select another king. I suggest we crown whoever it is on the first day of 1513."

Council-members: "Agreed"

Lord Carti: "I suggest we give the crown of Tuscany to the Spanish king. He can truly guard our realm."

Council-members: "Boooo. Boooooo."

M: "Guards, arrest Lord Carti, he is a traitor. His belongings will go to Tuscany."

LC: "Noooooo!!!"

M: "Fraid so. Any other suggestions?"

Lord Prosciutto: "I suggest we torture him with a pointy piece of iron."

M: "I meant some other possible king."

Lord Parmigiano: "What about Lorenzo de Medici. He is a suitable chap."

Council-members: "Okay."

Lorenzo would be our new king.

1513

Lorenzo de Medici has been crowned Lorenzo II. He held his speech to the people one hour later.

Lorenzo II: "Greetings people of the fair country of Tuscany!" The crowd cheers "And you idiots from Romagna." Some people throw tomatoes at a small grup of people. "I vow that Tuscany will be stronger, richer and a better place to live in during my rule." The crowd cheers higher. "We will need your support, together we will make this country into the best country in the world! Thank you!"

February 1
As a result of the kings speech the people of Romagna rebel aginst our enlightened rule. Those idiots will see who's the boss.

February 15
The army swiftly crushed the rebellion. The rebellion-leaders were hanged, quartered and feed to small dogs.

March 1
The ships in Romagna and Modena are complete. The ship in Romagna begins its virgin journey to Modena.

April 1
Some German vandalized a church-door. I don't know why this is important.

April 2
Aha, it was a monk who was trying to spread some sort of heretic version of christianity. Noone in Tuscany was stupid enough to fall for these stupid learings.

August 1
The navy has gathered in Modena.

We fund a tax collector in Luca to increase my, I mean our profit.

October 1
A new warship is funded in Modena.

1514

March 1
I received some new lands and a nice palace in Florence today. The king thought I deserved it. Silly person. Still, I don't complain.

July 1
Yet another ship is completed in Modena and constructions begin on another ship.

September 17
Moldavia declares war on Poland-Lithuania. The French alliance stands on the Polish-Lithuanian side. The Moldavians are all alone.

October 2
The French give 36 ducats to Bavaria for a separate peace.

October 28
Hungaria declars war on Moldavia. Hungary's allies, among them Milano, join in. Looks like trouble for the Moldavians.

November 1
Those ingrates who call themselves merchants are not happy with our rule. The fact that we chopped of thier leaders head made our mercantile technology take a leap backwards. [OOC: Random event: Unhappy merchants]

November 21
We traded maps with Britany. They gave us some intersting glimpses of the coast-line of this 'America' we have heard so much about.

December 22
The Moldavians gave the Commonwealth 52 ducats for peace.

1515

March 1
Once again the people of Romagna rebel. Those guys really need a hobby.

March 21
The army engages the rebels outside Ancona and show them how true soldiers fight.

April 16
Victory! The rebels were crushed but before they were defeated they inflicted heavy casualties on our forces.

May 1
To strengthen our army we recruit a thousand infantrymen and a thousand cavalrymen in Emilia.

May 28
The king of Kurpfalz must have a death-wish. He has declared war on the French. This means yet another war between the Spanish and the French.

June 3
To secure their backs before the war the French pay 155 to Thüringen for a separate peace.

July 15
The Moldavians are finally fed up with having the Hungarians romping all over Moldavia. They pay 29 ducats to Hungary for peace.

July 26
France pay off Hessen with 24 ducats for peace.

November 16
Genua pays 123 ducats to the French to get their capital back.