Who's the world's most useless celebrity?

Stefu · September 22, 2002, 11:15

As a Finn, I must nominate Matti Nykänen.

Once, long long ago, Matti was an excellent ski-jumper. Then... his life went downhill. And down. And down. And down. He's done a quite a lot of stuff since, including:

marrying/divorcing/re-marrying/divorcing his wife Sari Paanala
marrying/divorcing some other lady in between
changing his surname 2 times
confessing to being an alcoholic
falling asleep at the wheel and driving off a bridge
attempting to return to ski-jumping, failing miserably due to his lousy skill in V style
suffering a heart attack
trying out his wings as a pop vocalist while possessing no singing talent, releasing two albums
recording a third album, which was (fortunately) never released
venturing into politics, resigning from the city council after attending 1½ meetings
planning to open a restaurant in Helsinki
working as a male stripper
posing for a hardcore porn magazine
getting engaged to a 17-year-old Estonian girl and weaseling out of the whole deal a week later
selling his vast collection of medals for a ridiculously cheap price, getting them back afterwards
getting into a relationship with a rich heiress, subsequently breaking up and trying to get back together again
drunk driving
finding god
beating up a female stranger, in public, without provocation
drunk driving again
committing himself into a mental institution
facing 4 charges of assault and battery against his fiancee (the aforementioned heiress)
hiding from the police who have issued a warrant for his arrest
giving interviews from his secret hideout
proclaiming on TV that he is the greatest ski jumper of all time, and nobody is going to beat him in the foreseeable future
getting married once again to the heiress he has beaten up several times, and having a bachelor party with "celebrity" guests including (porn star) Henry Saari.
once again beating up his missus, after learning she had filed for a divorce
Getting his own brand of cider. I'm not kidding. Only in Finland would they use a wife-beating drunk to sell cider. The bottle even comes with a famous quote from Matti, "Elämä on laiffii".
showing no signs of any originality by once more engaging into some good old wife-battering fun. probably due to drinking a bit too much of that sweet, sweet Matti-Cider.
returning to music business by recording a new single "Elämä On Laiffii" and a forthcoming album

And since (IIRC) I was watching him being a good ski-jumper as little as 8 years ago, he's done all this in 8 years. Amazing man.

Naturally, the tabloids have a constant field day with ol' Matti. I haven't seen anything about him lately, so I'm assuming even tabloids are growing tired of his, eh, rather erratic behavior.

He also has a site at http://www.mattinykanen.fi/ . Unfortunately, it's only in Finnish.

So, can anyone beat Matti? Figuratively, n... nnnnot literally.

loinburger · September 22, 2002, 11:25

Zsa Zsa Gabor. What the hell is she famous for, anyway? (Besides punching out police officers...)

Velociryx · September 22, 2002, 11:45

David Hasselhoff. Does anybody buy that guy's albums?

-=Vel=-

EDIT: And willing to go on record admitting it??

Dauphin · September 22, 2002, 11:58

Tara-Palmer Tomkinson.

Winston · September 22, 2002, 12:08

Why, MLeonard of course!

With Mumia Abu-Jamal a close second. I mean come on, the man hasn't done anything significant since killing that young policeman Daniel Faulkner 21 years ago. Still, he's the most popular American in Europe, so it seems.

Mumia -->

chequita guevara · September 22, 2002, 12:18

Kato

FrustratedPoet · September 22, 2002, 12:35

Quote:

Originally posted by Velociryx
David Hasselhoff. Does anybody buy that guy's albums?

German people do.

(no really ... they do ... the guy I was staying with in Berlin last week had a couple

)

Pekka · September 22, 2002, 12:36

Matti rules ok?

Stefu, You forgot to mention he has (or is starting) his own brand in clothing. They include jeans and boots. Very original!

Also he challenged another drunk celebrity to do kickboxing and K.O. the opponent (or was it another way around). Fight never surprisingly happened.
Stefu, are you sure you got the beatings right? I think he smashed his wifes like 100 times more than you mentioned. He is my personal hero.

Chris 62 · September 22, 2002, 12:49

Richard Simmons.

mactbone · September 22, 2002, 12:58

Why do Scandanavian peoples like your vowels so much?
Sari Paanala?
Somebody must've just learned their alphabet... the name has enough 'a's in it...

BTW, what does "Elämä on laiffii" mean?

chequita guevara · September 22, 2002, 12:58

Nah, Kato is way more useless than Simmons. At least Simmons helps people lose weight.

Chris 62 · September 22, 2002, 13:04

Kato was Bruce Lee, far from useless.

He once made Robin piss in his pants, for that alone he escapes uselessness.

Buck Birdseed · September 22, 2002, 13:07

Finland isn't part of Scandinavia.

Pekka · September 22, 2002, 13:18

buck, true. But we consider ourselves Scandinavian, have done it always and will continue doing it, so it's not wrong to say so. It's only in theory that we're not

.

'Elämä on laiffia' means 'Life is life', but in a stupid way. I can't explain it well.. 'laiffia' is like a slang word from english word life. 'Laiffia' itself is not a proper word. It's like saying 'Urine is piss'.

Buck Birdseed · September 22, 2002, 13:25

The rest of us don't consider you Scandinavian.

But then we rarely talk about Scandinavia anyway, the relevant term is "The Nordic Countries" and includes Iceland and Finland.

Stefu · September 22, 2002, 13:26

Like Pekka said, "Elämä on laiffia" is an incredibly retarded way of saying "Life is life". "Laiffia" is not a real world, it is a slang term derived from the word "life", but since it is so moronic, no-one uses it - to get the idea of how annoying it is, consider the word "preggers". "Elämä" is the real world for "life" in Finnish.

Pekka, I got the list from here.

Gangerolf · September 22, 2002, 13:29

Quote:

I think he smashed his wifes like 100 times more than you mentioned. He is my personal hero.

chequita guevara · September 22, 2002, 13:51

Quote:

Originally posted by Chris 62
Kato was Bruce Lee, far from useless.

Kato Kalin, the houseguest at the Simpson residence. Not Kato and the Green Hornet.

Pekka · September 22, 2002, 13:54

Stefu, ok.. I onced registered to his website as a member, so I know he was planning on getting his clothing business going on. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh.
He had levi's jeans, boots, and a jacket like the college football players. Then he called it unique and his own style. Sure. Plus he looked stupid in them.
He also changes his haircolor 2 times a month, because it keeps him balanced. That's what the man said!
This guy won 4 (?) olympic medals and several WC's.
He's been also married 4 (?) times, and everytime he beates the wifes. Many times. I think last time he trashed a hotel room beating his wife, when he went there to 'talk it over and make up' the stuff he did earlier. He's a winner. If you want to bet your money on something, bet it on Matti! My personal hero.

Stefu · September 22, 2002, 13:59

The list didn't seem to mention that the two times he changed his surname, it went from Nykänen to Paanala (yes, he took his wife's name) and then back to Nykänen.

Sandman · September 22, 2002, 14:10

Uri Geller.

Adalbertus · September 22, 2002, 14:18

Gerhard Schröder

Ari Rahikkala · September 22, 2002, 14:33

Markos Giannopoulos

.

Bugs ****ing Bunny · September 22, 2002, 15:14

At least Matti provides entertainment. That places him above Robert Kilroy-Silk.

Gatekeeper · September 22, 2002, 15:27

Anna Nicole Smith. Why can't she just enjoy here ill-gotten millions in private? Noooo! She has to parade that excuse of a private life of hers before (apparently) an audience of a few million dingbats.

Gatekeeper

Jon Miller · September 22, 2002, 15:38

I agree with Anna Nicole Smith

she is not even that good looking

Jon Miller

Pekka · September 22, 2002, 15:43

Gatekeeper, YEah! Anna Nicole all the way! Her show is awesome. I mean just how low can you go ?
I remember watching her at some playboy special tv-show about her at the age of.. let's say 13 and was 'Uuh she's so hot and cool, why oh why God created such women, I can't ever have her!'. Now I thank God I never even tried

.

It's not just that she has lots of.. back now, people get heavy sometimes. But she appears to enjoy popping pills so much, she's wasted all the time and says NOTHING intelligent. She's a big waste of good money. Plus she makes people do stupid stuff because she can, and thinks she's all that (still, like she hasn't lost it). I swear if she would cross my way and started nagging like she does all the time to her lawyer, I'll punch her into her stomach! Not that I hit women or anything.

I feel sorry for his kid. I think it's not cool for a mom to be wasted all the time and act like a horny in front of him.

ZoboZeWarrior · September 22, 2002, 15:46

Lady Dy (sp?).

Now she's dead, she more useless.

(After secondn though, she's maybe more usefull dead ...)

(

, I was quite jocking, I present my excuse to British people. Personnaly we, frenchmen, to avoid such tragedy have already kill our royal family before they die tragically in a car crash.)

Gatekeeper · September 22, 2002, 15:50

Heh. All I know is that I flip the channel or turn the page whenever I have the misfortune of encountering Anna Nicole Smith via the media. I don't know why, but she makes me shiver with revulsion.

Gatekeeper

Stefu · September 22, 2002, 15:52

Quote:

At least Matti provides entertainment.

But there's the rub. Matti's gotten repetitive. Long gone are the days of creative unhingedness like the strip show. I mean, obviously he hasn't done anything different-than-usual, since there's been nothing lately about him in the papers. Probably just usual background divorcing and wife-beating.

Who is Robert Kilroy-Silk? And SD, who is Tara Palmer Tolkinson?