Chironian News Network Issue Five

[Nubclear]

Chironian News Network
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NETFLASH!

Major Military Defeats to "Mindworms"
Critics Call Defense Buget "Bloated" In Midst of Major Military Defeats to Native Life

"We are the PEACEKEEPERS. WE KEEP PEACE. HOW THE FISH ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN WE CANT EVEN DEFEAT SOME PLANET WORMS!?" Ling Pou, a journalist for the little known paper "Peacekeeping Today and Tomorrow", yelled in front of Presidential Palace Section in New Apolyton.
Late yesterday, the entire peacekeeping faction suffered a major humiliating defeat and the losses are being tallied in the thousands; few survivors remained. The "Unity" Rover was completly obliterated by the mindworms, and the entire First Squadron was killed. A black box has been recovered from the "Unity" Rover 'resting site', and the cause of destruction has been listed as the newly-coined term "Killed by Mindworms.".
"Vu see, ze mindvorm boils use a psychic attack. Zey bury zemzelves into ze victims brain and begin laying offspring and vegin indusing dangerous hallucinations most of zem vusually horrifying and painful...anyvey, ze hallucinations quickly disable ze memory manager of ze brain which leaves ze victims seeing zings zey cannot recall, and left untreated can disable to spinal cord resulting in ze lower body unable to function and in zerious cases can result in a zystem vide failure of ze brain, leaving the victim dead." Outgoing Science Director TKG said two hours ago.
"This is a terrible tragedy, however we cannot blame GeneralTacticus for it. He did the best he could with the resources he had, it is not his fault." Outgoing President DarknessEdge' told CNN reporters. However, many have a very different view.
"Why do we have a defense director? To command our troops of course. If this battle had been won, the government would have exploited it to full effect and hailed GeneralTacticus as a saint or whatever. Like **** he isnt responsible. Its his fault this happend. I'll never let it rest." The Citizens Rights to Anonyminity group told CNN reporters in response to DarknessEdge' comment.
"I will not comment until I have my lawyer present." GeneralTacticus.

CNN Would like to honor the lives of those affected by this horrible tragedy.

Two More Bases Founded
Celebrations Fill Peacekeeping Faction as New Bases Founded

"I herby proclaim this base as the U.N. Pizza Delivery in the name of the Peacekeeping Faction!"
"I herby proclaim this base as the ThisBaseIsBelongToUs in the name of the Peacekeeping faction! said President Darkness Edge' today at the opening ceremoines of the two bases U.N. Pizza Delivery and ThisBaseIsBelongToUs.
"Its great. It represents the expansion of the Apolytonian empire." President Darkness Edge told CNN reporters in his daily presidential address.
"Let us begin buildilng a former and another colony pod! Let our cities take up all of [Planet]!" He yelled to the auidence, and the crowd completly went wild.
"The crowd was so....so enthusiastic! I think thats why were having a lot of babies now!" Lt. Zophia Khruschev told the CNN. In recent days, TBIBTUs population has gone up by a whopping 100 AND Pizza Devliery is expected to go up very soon as well.
"But thats not the important part. The entire nation as a whole is bairly producing ANYTHING. No matter how many babies we have, they'll need to grow up and so for the next few years, we'll never be able ot match the industrial capacity of our rivals.....Were doomed." said Mr. WhereIsItAt, part of the Free Industrial Association.

P4 Disbanded
P4 Political Party No More as Maniac Orders Disbanding of Party

"Because of this....I herby declare the Poly Party for Progress and Prosperity as completly dissolved as a political party!" Political President Maniac said in the daily P4 speech. This marked the beginning of the end of parties.
"It was all because of Tassadar. We had a discussion and I just decided that parties suck....Then there was anothe discussion with other member and I decided to quit. Then Maniac disbanded the party. That simple." Former P4 Member TKG told CNN reporters.
"Hmm...Well, I was thinking about quitting the CCCP and I told TKG about it. I'm actually kind of glad I did, since I caused this entire reaction." Tassadar commented while entering his office. The P4 celebrated with a P4PSI (provided free of charge, of course) and a bunch of drinking songs. THe night went out with the singing of the P4 Anthem, "O P4".

Secrets of Centauri Ecology Discovered - Open Up "Numerous Oppritunities"
TKG Sits Down to Explain Centauri Ecology

The CNN recently had an online chat with science advisor TKG *on location*. This is a CNN exclusive, you definately won't be seeing this anywhere else:

CNN: Greetings.
TKG: Greetings.
CNN: Sir, what exactly IS Centauri Ecology?
TKG: It is the study of the relashionship between organizisms and their environments. Becuase it is on the planet Chiron in the Alpha Centauri Star System, we decided to name it "Centauri Ecology" instead of the more scientific term Chironian Bionomics.
CNN: What benefits do we get from researching this?
TKG: We are able to build what we call "Bionomical Variable Modifiers" which allow us to, say, remove this xenofungus from a square or even plant it, or such things. We are sitll not sure quite all we can do with this technology however our top scientists are currently spending as much time as possible researching and attempting to overcome and escape this paradigm.
CNN: Right...What are we researching next?
TKG: Currently, we are attempting to resarchin Human Sociological Behavioral Patterns in an attempt to better life. In an example, we are attempting to asertain what exactly motivates a teenager to be rebellious, archaic, and completly and utterly displeasing while talking, walking, and even sleeping and why this has such a large effect on the general human behavioral structure.
CNN: Uh huh. What will we get from that?
TKG: We are currently attempting to discover the tech, and as such do not know what rewards it holds.
CNN: Thank you for this interview.
TKG: You are most certainly welcome.

Money Scandal Delays Issues of CNN, "Back on Schedule" Editor Promises
CNN Accused of Stealing 2 Energy Credits, Courts Find CNN "Not Guilty"

"The CNN will come out on schedule this week despite Ms. Mistys suggestions that we have stolen money." Tassadar said in a statement this week. Last week, a large scandal involing 2 energy credits, Ms. Misty, and Tasadar was brought in front of news sources everywhere and delayed issues of the CNN.
"THEY STOLE 2 ENERGY CREDITS!!!! THEY CANT EXPLAIN HOW THEY GOT THEM!!!!!!! THOSE EVIL *********!!!!!" Misty said in a reply press conference. Ms. Misty claimed that Tassadar had smuggled money out of the governmental monetary fund and transferred it to his account.
"Those accusations are completly false. Just because I'm sucessful and she works making FORMERS for a living doesnt mean I'm a thief. All it means is shes a jealous little capitalist." Tassadar said in a harsh speech in reply to Mistys reply to his previous statement.
"Tassadar is not guilty as Misty has provided no evidence and Tassadar has provided sales evidence. I find him not guilty." A Peacekeeping Judge told CNN. However despite this, Ms. Misty continues her Anti-Tassadar campaign.
"JUST SAY NO TO THE CNN! JUST SAY NOT TO TASSADAR!" Misty was herd yelling in the Peacekeeping mall. However, support for her has fallen and the number of CNN issues sold has hit an all time high possibly due to Tassadars enormous popularity.
"I bought it to be patriotic. Power to the people!" One citizen commented.

DeathByTheSword Crowns Himself King, Critics Cry "Spam!"
DBTS Crowns Himself King Amidst Critism

Approximately two days ago, DeathByTheSword was found in a bar proclaimingh imself king.
"he stood up and yelled 'Im king! Nobody shall question my rule ever again!'...It was strange. He must have been very drunk." one witness describes.
"It was horrifying. Anyone who questioned his 'rule' was called a ************, a *****, a ********, and a ******! It was so...unbecoming of a top official like him. Very embarrasing." Another citizen commented.
"Oh um....That wasn't me. It was......well it was me, but me from another demension. Yeah, thats it. No comment." DeathByTheSword commented to CNN reporters.
"THIS IS SPAM PURE AND SIMPLE! IM TIRED OF ALL HIS ******* SPAM THAT HE SPEWS ALL OVER THE PLACE! AND NOW HE CHOOSES TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT?! THAT IS SO.....IM VOTING ABSTAIN!" Yet another citizen commented.
This only strengthens the idea that alchoholism is rampant in the government, and citizens are beginning to protest it.
"Im tired of our officials being caught drunk. It needs to stop, and it needs to stop now!" YET Another Citizen commented.
"We are doing everything we can in order to control alchohol in our government and if it means the end of New Caldonian Beer or even Hive Mind Stuff, then so be it!" Darkness Edge' told the citizens earlier today.

New Elections in Peacekeeping Faction
PAID FOR AND BROUGHT TO YOU BUY THE PEACKEEPING ORGANIZATION FOR DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS & THE HUMAN BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE SUBDEPARTMENT

Hey yo man, are you like man enough to run for positions of SUPER SMART SCIENCE CHIEF or even the baddest of them all PRESIDENT OF THE ENTIRE PEACEKEEPING FACTION?! Well me and my homies have sure got somethin for yo dudes! If yo want to like, run for these EXTREMLY RAD positions, than all yo gotta do is go to yo nearest military recruiter and tell them "Like man, I want to be " and then he'll enroll yo on the position list! In a few [hours] elections and all dat stuff will be held, and YO MAN YOU MIGHT WIN!

So be a man, and go sign up for those super positions and RULE THE PEACEKEEPING FACTION!!!

Note that the following probably really dont express the opinions of the CNN. Meaning we can't be sued for anything.

Happy, But Empty Day.....Without An Anthem
By Mr. Haunohannct

Hi, my name is Haunohannctialaoevuetamaoadaeeraaataokresohke, but you can call me Mr. Haunohannct. I was with the people who were at the flag raise ceremony at the UN Pizza Devliery. While it was pretty beautiful and kool, one issue strook me.....We have no anthem! I saw the flag go up but it seemed to empty to me...I use to be a former Chinese citizen and let me tell you they had a GREAT anthem. I cried every time they played it it was so imspriring. But we dont even have one, and it seems so empty...Just silence as the flag was raised claiming the base as ours...it really wasn't too fun.

We need an anthem badly. Give us an anthem. - Mr . Haunohannctialaoevuetamaoadaeeraaataokresohke, Founder of the Haunohannctialaoevuetamaoadaeeraaataokresohkian Foundation for Equal Anthems for All (HFEA)

Political Turmoil Spreads!!!!!
By Lucky22

The dissolution of the (P4) and related upheavals in the ranks of the
(CCCP) along with a faction-wide reassessment of the role of parties
has brought sudden change to the Peacekeeper political landscape.

The first falling domino was the exit of Tassadar 5000 from the CCCP-
he was quoted as saying "...political parties are bad for democracy".
Various members of the CCCP wished Tassadar well and note was made of
increasing sentiment against the existence of parties. News of the P4's
dissolution came quickly thereafter, an apparent result of ongoing
discussion between Tassadar and members of the P4, to the effect that
"...political parties suck" quoting TKG.

Immediate speculation arose as to when the CCCP would throw in the
towel, and indeed party founder Pandemoniak moved to re-define the party
as a non-government organization (NGO). Current commisioner Darkness'
Edge weighed in with surprise encouragement, but Pan's own party raised
objections, indicating that parties and NGOs are effectively identical
in chracter as voluntary associations with no special powers as such.
Darkness' Edge protested that parties have agendas while NGOs have
topics, but the CCCP members clarified and cemented their position. With
the issue apparently hinging on a semantic nicety, Pandemoniak recanted
his call for reorganization.

A newer voice among the Peacekeeper faction, Hercules has brought
fresh energy and enthusiasm to the party concept, including projected
rules of order. While Pandemoniak has started a NGO dedicated to
environmental issues, Hercules has virtually simultaneously attempted to begin a
Green political party. The respective fates of the two organizations
may lend us a clue as to the future of our faction's process of
consensus. The NGO appears to be stronger out of the gate.

The status of the Peacekeeper political coalitions is currently
uncertain.

The Mindworm Problem
By GeneralTacticus

To all citizens of our great and democratic United Nations, the United Nations Directorate of Peacekeeping Operations, on the orders of Director-General Tacticus, wishes to express sincere condolences to the families of those who were killed in the shocking mindworm attacks reported recently. An investigation will be launched and those responsible will be required to compensate families of the victims personally.

More to the point, the Directorate has prepared a new policy statement regarding the Mindworms:

UN DoPO Policy Review 1: Mind Worm, Mind Worm

The United Nations Directorate of Peacekeeping Operations,

In accordance with it’s duties under the United Nations Charter and Constitution,

Having consulted with senior military officers and analysts,

And having received and reviewed eyewitness and media reports of the incident between Peacekeeper Army Squadron IV and the Chironian native life forms termed ‘Mindworms’, resulting in the deaths of five irreplaceable human beings,

Intends to implement policy in order to protect the lives and property of all human beings under its jurisdiction from attack by hostile native life forms.

In order to achieve this, the Director for Peacekeeping Operations, General Tacticus, will announce the following policy revisions and pass them on to the relevant United Nation Directors:

1) Revisions to the standard UN definition of ‘full combat gear’ to include flame guns and full-body shields,

and 2) Revised rules of engagement for all UN combat troops in the field, including exploration troops, ordering them to shoot native life forms on sight.

Lessons to be learned from the Xenofungus Incident

A few days ago, our nation was shocked to the core by tragic and quite probably preventable incident out in the Xenofungus fields that cost the lives of five irreplaceable young people. As we share the pain of their families, we must also look to the future and to how we can prevent such a tragedy from ever occurring again.

Firstly, the UN DoPO has already made public a policy revision to the effect that all troops in the field will now be required to be prepared, at all times, to engage in combat with and defeat hostile native life forms.

This, however, is only a short-term solution. While it is the best we can do with the available resources in future we must be able to do better. Our Directorate of Scientific Research must continue to follow the policy direction they have already adopted to develop a greater understanding of the human brain. This will allow psychic shielding against Mindworm attacks and may also open the gateway to further breakthroughs in understanding the worms themselves. This would be a discovery with enormous ramifications to conflict with the worms.

P4 are Übër ëvil and should be destroyed, the capitalist bastard
By Gnool

EDITORS NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE DISBANDMENT OF THE P4 POLITICAL PARTY

Before we flew off towards Chiron, the entire Western World (with the rest of the world heading down the path as well) were nothing but corporate slaves to the epitome of capitalist and consumerist oppression, the United States. No one had independent thoughts. We were fed our thoughts from the media who were told what to say by our governments, with non-US governments were told what to say by the US government, who was in turn told what to think by corporations. Yes, it was really the corporations who ran our lives. They controlled our lives in a Nineteen Eighty-Fouresque kind of way, with any country who dared to have an independent foreign policy from the US (and therefore the corporate zaibatsu) overthrown, and anyone who dared speak out against multinational corporations publicly shot down in a fiery mess.

Would you have your life on Chiron continue this way? No, unless you were mentally deficient you wouldn’t. The ideology of P4 (Poly Party for Progress and Prosperity) is one that bears a striking similarity to what I’ve just mentioned. They are determined to bring in a free market economy as quickly as they possibly can, and thus reduce us all to corporate slavery.

If you value freedom of thought, then you will value a party who values human life more than money. That party is CCCP, the Centauri Communalism Citizen’s Party. As our name suggests, the CCCP is a people’s party. We value you as an individual, and we value humanity as a whole. When we see a mass of people, we don’t see a possible source of cheap labour from which wealth can be squeezed. We see a wealth of ideas, culture, knowledge and talent. Money-worship is an outdated ideology that is responsible for the destruction of Earth. By supporting P4 you are supporting the destruction of our new world. By supporting the Centauri Communalism Citizen’s Party, you are supporting a world free from greed, graft and corruption.

Don’t just sit there, abandon money-worship and P4 and join the CCCP! Your planet will thank you.

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The CNN - Proving TKG AND TMB Wrong One Issue at a Time.

How did I do?

[Method]

Very good!

one problem though. one minute i have an eastern-european accent, the next i don't!
what's going on here!

Great issue though tass. i guess the extra week you had to prepare () really shows

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by TKG
Very good!

one problem though. one minute i have an eastern-european accent, the next i don't!
what's going on here!

No no no no....see, if you actually read the issue, you might have found out that i was having an online CHAT with you.

[Method]

either way, i still don't have an eastern-european accent

[GeneralTacticus]

Now that my lawyer has arrived, I can make my response to these shocking allegations:

"Why do we have a defense director? To command our troops of course. If this battle had been won, the government would have exploited it to full effect and hailed GeneralTacticus as a saint or whatever. Like **** he isnt responsible. Its his fault this happend. I'll never let it rest."

This is outrageous, and an obvious political ploy attempting to tarnish my reputation. The military units lost were part of the UN E & I Directorate, under the control of Director Lemmy. The Directorate of Peacekeeping Operations had no command authority over these troops.

[Archaic]

Tassadar5000, as the sole canditate for Director of SE, I feel it is my responsibility to tell you to refrain from publishing further political propaganda, as written by Gnool there. Even with freedom of speach, there are limits, and defamation is one of them. Outright lies are another.

[Pandemoniak]

Excellent work, Tassadar ! Two thumbs up !

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by Archaic
Tassadar5000, as the sole canditate for Director of SE, I feel it is my responsibility to tell you to refrain from publishing further political propaganda, as written by Gnool there. Even with freedom of speach, there are limits, and defamation is one of them. Outright lies are another.

Archaic, as the sole owner of the CNN, I will publish what I wish. This includes ANY "political propaganda" from either side. Go ahead and submit something you wish. I will print it.

[Archaic]

Writing political propaganda would be immoral. Printing it is just as bad. You already knew I'd refuse to write anything such before you even said that.

[Darkness' Edge]

I throw my weight behind Tassadar and printing any submissions, from either side.

This is all in fun, and I think we are all capable of discerning that it's not serious. You won't get any censorship from me, in my fortnightly edition of the CNN. If either side wants to write propaganda, I'll print it.

[DeathByTheSword]

GREAT WORK TASS but why am I always drunk in these publications?

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by DeathByTheSword
GREAT WORK TASS but why am I always drunk in these publications?

*Sigh* I do not control your drinking habits. But your not alone.....Many other government officials have joined AA Dont worry!

[DeathByTheSword]

[lucky22]

Gnool! Gnool! Gnool!

[Method]

*sigh*
the P4 was nothing like that, and free market economies are not evil (well maybe in their pure form, but such a system doesn't exist). i don't want to start a big arguement again especially since i'm out of parties all together now, but i don't think that is very fair, since it makes the former P4'ers look bad when the party doesn't even exist anymore

i don't have a problem with you printing stuff like that tass, but next time, maybe it could be about still-existing things.

[lucky22]

I'd just like to be on record as chanting in a pro-Gnool rather than anti-spectre-of-the-P4 kind of way.

[Maniac]

If those CCCP'ers would have read our party statement even once, they would realize we standed for a social-democratic free market. I have ranted against multinationals etcetera myself many times.

[DeathByTheSword]

by gones are by gones guys just like my drinkingproblems

[Gnool]

Woohoo, my article created a ruckus (I just came back from a week long ski trip, skiing is fun )

[Darkness' Edge]

TKG: Tass clearly stated that the article was written before the disbandment of P4.

[Mellian]

Originally posted by TKG
*sigh*
the P4 was nothing like that, and free market economies are not evil (well maybe in their pure form, but such a system doesn't exist). i don't want to start a big arguement again especially since i'm out of parties all together now, but i don't think that is very fair, since it makes the former P4'ers look bad when the party doesn't even exist anymore

i don't have a problem with you printing stuff like that tass, but next time, maybe it could be about still-existing things.

Hey, the media always write bad stuff about politicians, it is one of the negative perks of the job

-Mellian

[Hercules]

*Letters Page There's a fair amount of sound thinking coming thru here.
As a believer (so far) in party systems: rather than a grand list of policies to subscribe to, maybe parties, on planet, can build from the ground up. One policy at a time.
For instance TKG and AdamT would seem to have different views on one or two issues. Those views may act a cluster points for fellow members who agree on that issue. Eventually 6-7 members could end up agreeing on 8-9 points and disagreeing on 4-5.

I know there is a core of the faction who favour a free for all in the belief that democracy is secured by a large gathering of individualistic thinkers and thinking. I am not so sure. There is always room for philosphers but doers are better .
Look at Samuel Beckett. Anyway just a thought.

[Archaic]

Originally posted by Darkness' Edge
TKG: Tass clearly stated that the article was written before the disbandment of P4.

No reason he had to print it.

[Method]

exactly. as i said, i wouldn't have a problem with it if the P4 still existed.

[DeathByTheSword]

i dont have a problem with it i even didnt read it.... but it sounds a bit childish to me

[Darkness' Edge]

Originally posted by DeathByTheSword
i dont have a problem with it i even didnt read it.... but it sounds a bit childish to me

Yeah, I agree. It's childish, but it's just part of the game.
If it had been my edition, I probably wouldn't have bothered printing it, ONLY because the P4 had already been disbanded. But otherwise, I can't see why not, and I'm happy to print political propaganda anytime someone bothers writing it.

[Archaic]

So if I write something that demonises you and makes various lies about your ideology, you'll print it, hmmm?

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by Archaic
So if I write something that demonises you and makes various lies about your ideology, you'll print it, hmmm?