Chironian News Network Issue Six

Darkness' Edge · October 5, 2002, 07:42

Chironian News Network
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Note that the following probably really don’t express the opinions of the CNN. Meaning we can't be sued for anything.

NETFLASH!

Peacekeeping Public: No Confidence in Archaic
Peacekeepers Everywhere Pass No Confidence Vote, New SE Elections Held
by Tassadar5000

In a surprise twist to the otherwise dull Peacekeeping elections, the "abstain" or "no confidence" option has won over Archaic in the Director of Social Engineering election.
"We were predicting this..." said top election analysts within the administration. However, even though some were not surprised most were deeply shocked by the news.
"Never has this happened in the history of any election that were written in the books! This is...monumental! I personally voted for Archaic because he was the only candidate." Told one citizen.
"I voted for Abstain. Quite simply, his arrogance overcame me." yet another told CNN. In a close vote with only a 3 point margin, abstain won over Archaic and new elections are being forced to be held. However, will this cause disorder in the peacekeeping faction?
"Yes it will. We are ALWAYS supposed to be completely ready by the first of each month. If we aren't...Then I do not know what will happen. This is a complete and total disaster." said political analyst Chovgorba Schevkru.
"Because of this deeply surprising event, I will step up to the plate. I nominate myself." Kassiopeia said carrying his handbag, right after the results were announced. "Because it is every citizens final duty to hold at least one government position. Although I have held positions in the past, I feel as if it is my destiny to hold another one."

Archaic has declined to comment.

MrWhereItsAt takes over Social Engineering
Defeats Kassiopeia by narrowest of margins
by Darkness’ Edge

In the aftermath of Archaic’s demise, a snap by-election had to be held for the position of Director of Social Engineering. Kassiopeia volunteered to fill out the October term, and MrWhereItsAt also nominated at the last minute. In the closest of this term’s elections, MrWhereItsAt won, by a solitary vote.
Several election analysts were not surprised at the close race, due to the skill and popularity of both candidates. There has still not been any comment from defeated candidate Archaic, who was utterly forgotten as the third candidate in the by-election. Kassiopeia gracefully conceded defeat at a press conference several hours ago, appearing with his handbag.

People put faith in former Alpha Talent
DeathByTheSword romps home in landslide
by Darkness’ Edge

In an unsurprising result, former Alpha Talent DeathByTheSword was installed as Commissioner almost unanimously. With original rivals Crisler and Darkness’ Edge either missing in action or moving to other portfolios, DeathByTheSword was the only candidate. The only abstention was that of Tassadar5000, who was protesting at the polling, despite the polls following the rules defined in the constitution, rather than abstaining at the candidate. DeathByTheSword made his first address to the nation early yesterday, receiving a huge round of applause.

No other candidates come forward for Alpha Talent
Diablero “appointed”
by Darkness’ Edge

Despite the poor turnout of candidates for several posts this time, all posts were filled. However, the lack of a contest for Commissioner highlighted problems with our system of selecting an Alpha Talent. With the position of Alpha Talent unfilled, an emergency had to be found to serve the October term. Conscientious citizen Diablero stepped up to fill the void, avoiding a potential crisis. With Diablero the only candidate to put his name forward to fill the void, he was appointed Alpha Talent, becoming the only candidate not to have to face a by-election. Election analyst Raj Tujuana questioned the constitutionality of this decision. “Why should one candidate be appointed into a position? I mean, it’s unlikely, but the people might have wanted to get rid of him! Let us elect the Alpha Talent directly next time, rather than having him being the runner-up!”.

Former general takes charge of Foreign Affairs
GeneralTacticus elected unopposed
by Darkness’ Edge

In a resounding show of support, GeneralTacticus become the Peacekeepers’ second Director of Foreign Affairs, in another uncontested election. GeneralTacticus, the first leader of our faction’s military, had decided to make the move from Peacekeeping Operations to Foreign Affairs, and the people have shown their support for this decision. In his victory speech, GeneralTacticus spoke of his desire to throw pencils at the ceiling and numerous hours in the Rec Commons until our explorers discover another faction.

Director of Exploration and Intelligence survives challenge
Incumbent director Lemmy defeats challenger Mellian
by Darkness’ Edge

In one of two very close battles, incumbent Director of Exploration and Intelligence, Lemmy, survived a challenge from first-time candidate Mellian. Lemmy, the first man to set foot on Alpha Centauri (as mentioned in Issue Three), hung on to take 56% of the vote. Election analyst Rai Nguyen spoke to CNN just before. “I was surprised at how close this was. All the early polls predicted Lemmy was headed for a landslide, but the result looked borderline at times, and could have gone either way.” Mellian was not available for comment. Earlier today, we were granted an exclusive interview with the Director.
CNN: “Good morning Lemmy, thanks for your time. What are your feelings about your victory, and the battle with Mellian?”
Lemmy: “What? Did I win?”
CNN: “Yes, you won.”
Lemmy: “WHEEEE!!!!”
As soon as he heard that Lemmy had found out of his election, MrWhereItsAt, who had declared himself acting Director until Lemmy heard, quickly resigned the post before he could be impeached. In a press conference two days ago, he was quoted as saying “I hereby declare myself acting DEI until Lemmy hears of his appointment. Anyone who doesn’t like it – tough bickies! By the time you arrange an impeachment, I’ll already be out!”

Director of Science narrowly retained
TKG scrapes to victory over AdamTG02
by Darkness’ Edge

In the closest of the October elections, incumbent Director of Science survived a spirited challenge from Exploration and Discovery Party leader AdamTG02. The two candidates engaged in an involved and educational debate throughout with the week. In one of the elections biggest boo-boos, AdamTG02 had to back down from his campaign platform of going for Secrets of the Human Brain to get the extra advance, after he was informed by a bystander that the University had already discovered that the previous week. The election debate also ensured the people’s support for our scientists going for the Doctrine of Mobility, as AdamTG02 noted in his concession speech. Rather than call a press conference, TKG shouted the bar at the Rec Commons…a…few times. Barman Joe Pesclini said it was the biggest booze-up he had seen since the landing on Chiron. AdamTG02 was unavailable for comment, as soon after his concession speech, he announced he was going on an indefinite holiday.

New blood injected into Base Production
Makahlua elected unopposed
by Darkness’ Edge

One of the surprise packets of this election occurred for Director of Base Production. After the hard-fought battle between three candidates for the inaugural elections, analysts expected that the trend would repeat itself for October. They were then surprised, when only one candidate, relative newbie Makahlua, put her name forward. Makahlua, one of the first candidates to rise to fame since the Chiron landing, won her uncontested poll with few abstentions, and immediately poured herself into her work, trying to set some standards governing base production for the future.

Second time lucky - Maniac rises to power
Maniac elected unopposed as Director of Industry and Energy
by Darkness’ Edge

In another uncontested election, Maniac finally won a seat in Director Branch, with his uncontested election as Director of Industry and Energy. In the absence of an incumbent, with Vlad Antlerkov not standing again, Maniac easily won over the people, and there were few objections to his election. Analyst Michael Smith noted “This was one of the more straightforward elections of the October round. An experienced candidate and no no-confidence motions. Only Tassadar5000 and his protest votes against the entire elections.” Maniac thanked the people for their support and received a round of applause from fans, at a press conference soon after polls closed.

Former Commissioner romps home to surprise landslide
Darkness’ Edge defeats MrWhereItsAt by unexpected margin
by Darkness’ Edge and MrWhereItsAt

An election that was certainly not drama-free this month was that of Director of Peacekeeping Operations. When the polls were posted, former Commissioner Darkness’ Edge was running uncontested, but after a protest to the Alpha Talent, the polls were closed, and MrWhereItsAt was allowed to lodge a last-minute nomination. The nomination of the independent political juggernaut opened the way for one of the most hotly-fought campaigns of the elections – or so it seemed. When the polls closed, Darkness’ Edge had a whopping seventy percent of the vote – and that was only after a last-minute charge from the former Director of Base Production. Several of our analysts were at a loss to explain the landslide victory, but one, Ursula Van Rooken, suggested that it may be due to MrWhereItsAt’s unfortunate absence during the entire election campaign, allowing Darkness’ Edge to campaign with little opposition while the polls were on. MrWhereItsAt has so far refused to comment on his whereabouts during the campaign, despite several approaches by the CNN.

However, a source close to the candidate has told the CNN, in an exclusive, that MrWhereItsAt was on a xenological trip with the New Apolytonia Dirt, Geology and Earth Society (NADGES), a group known for their overpowering fornication and their uncanny ability to suck dry entire breweries. Our source also hinted that, at the closing of polls, MrWhereItsAt was involved in a situation with two flagons of Ole’ Unity Ale, a young lady from his office, a xeno-sheep and a bikini. It is not known at this time exactly who was wearing the bikini.

Credit must go to Darkness’ Edge for his strong campaigning during the elections, and upon his victory, we interviewed him briefly. “Thank you to all the talents out there for their faith in me, I will strive to make this the best term yet! MrWIA? Well, far be it from me to comment on the…circumstances of his absence from campaigning. Excuse me, I must attend to the defence needs of the nation!” A report was leaked to us one day into his term. One sentence is particularly interesting. “I’m not surprised with that WhereeverHeIs guy – what do you expect from the descendant of a gaggle of sheep-loving, gumboot wearing wackos whose passion is dressing in tiny shorts and pushing against each other for a couple of hours in a muddy field”. Darkness’ Edge was not available for comment on this unflattering leak.

Footnote: MrWhereItsAt did hold a press conference after the elections, although he refused to answer any of our questions. A citizen enquired if he had ever written for the CNN, and if so, which one? He responded “What? There has always been only one CNN, the Chironian News Network!” The civilian then gave him a brief Earth history lesson, and he replied “oh”, drawing comparisons with Homer, a famous cartoon character from Earth.

Director of Terraformation and Colonization returned
Pandemoniak stays on
by Darkness’ Edge

In another fairly straightforward election, incumbent Director of Terraformation and Colonization, Pandemoniak, was easily re-elected, uncontested, for a second term. This election was surprisingly free of the political rhetoric that enlivened the September ballot, with only a short rant from failed Social Engineering candidate Archaic to liven things up. Without a handbag or attraction to the local brew to celebrate with, Pandemoniak spent a quiet night at home with his family.

Two new bases founded
Antioch and New Suez built
by Darkness’ Edge

The Peacekeepers have been celebrating, as two new bases were founded under the guidance of new Commissioner DeathByTheSword. New Suez, a canal based named by the Commissioner on the spur of the moment, in memory of a canal on Earth, was founded on the land bridge between the two seas to our east. There has been some debate about the name, but after being put to a poll, New Suez is easily defeating the other option, New Panama, after another famous canal back on Earth. Ex-commissioner Crisler returned, just missing the founding of his dreamchild, the base of Antioch, situated between two strange monoliths to the northeast of ThisBaseIsBelongToUs. Crisler has set up offices in the new base, hoping to further pursue his dream of creating a center for religious learning on Chiron.

First and second amendments pass
Peacekeepers now have Bill of Rights and a Court
by Darkness’ Edge

The Constitution has undergone some changes lately, with no less than three amendments passed. The First Amendment, the Bill Of Rights, laid out the rights that Peacekeeper citizens have, in response to a debate over freedom of speech, particularly concerning this news service. This passed easily. The Second Amendment had a harder time passing, but eventually got through without too much trouble. This amendment was a series of reforms concerning most areas of the Constitution, addressing several problems that had been brought up. Probably the most controversial was the move to clear up the Abstain/no-confidence issue in the wake of Archaic’s demise. This reform sought to remove the Abstain choice from all official polls, and replace it with a Xenobanana option, which would be clearly defined as no-confidence in the poll choices on offer, be they candidates or any other options. The Third Amendment passed easily without much of a fight, as people generally accepted the need for the Court. Following the guidelines laid out by our predecessors back on Earth, and adapted for the requirements of Chiron, this amendment paves the way for the creation of a court to deal with all internal disputes concerning our faction. It is expected that there will be a call for nominations for the positions of Justices soon, with the court likely to start operations in late October or early November.

Scout finds strange artifact
Transported to New Apolyton under heavy guard
by Darkness’ Edge

Interim Director of Exploration and Intelligence MrWhereItsAt reports that our scouts have discovered a strange, alien artifact. Very little is known about what the artifact is, and what its functions are. In an address to the nation, the Commissioner stated “At the moment, we lack the technology to fully understand this alien technology. I have spoken to TKG, the Director of Science, and he feels that we are not far off such a breakthrough. In the meantime, I have had Director of Peacekeeping Operations, Darkness’ Edge, transport the artifact from the site where it was unearthed, to a secret location in New Apolyton, under heavy guard. It is now being guarded by a special division of the Peacekeeping Guard, with only DeathByTheSword, Darkness’ Edge and the guards themselves knowing the location. In explaining the secrecy, DeathByTheSword spoke of the possible threat of an attempt by the University to steal the artifact. “This would be a catastrophe, and must be avoided at all costs. Therefore, I have ordered these security measures to avert any such attempt.”

Discussions on protocol change after disgraceful meeting of government
Director compares it to the Italian parliament back on Earth
by Darkness’ Edge

The first meeting of Director Branch since the election of Commissioner DeathByTheSword was plagued by trouble. Due to a number of factors, the Directors had to scream over each other to find out what was going on, there were a number of arguments, and no one really knew what was being quickpolled. In an exclusive interview, we spoke to Alpha Talent Diablero. “There were a number of reasons why the session was so chaotic. For starters, this is the first time in Peacekeeper history that every director has showed at a session. That’s a pretty impressive achievement, but it also caused some problems. We’re not used to having that many people there.” As a result of this, there has been some debate about changes to government protocol, to insure that meetings are more functional. Several directors have demanded greater transparency from the government, and there have also been calls for the directors to, as one civilian put it, “shut up and take their turn”. We also interviewed a director, who wishes to remain anonymous. “Man, it wasn’t chaos in there. Chaos? Bah…it went beyond chaos! That was the Italian parliament!” referring to a strife-plagued parliament back on earth.

Diary From The Front
Part 1
by guest columnist DeathByTheSword, with Private J. Germain

Note: CNN publishes the diary of Private Germain, from the 7th scout division to let the people of the UNP know what our brave boys and girls are doing out there.

Part 1
[last know location: following the river south-east of New Suez trough the fungus]

The last couple of metres to the top were the hardest the fungus was thick here and the sounds of the mindworms in the distances kept the men jumpy. but when we were on the top of the hill a view unfolded like I never saw before.

We arrived at valley from the west. The hills we had just climbed went on to north and from there a river ran through the entire valley. The valley it self had beautiful green pastures and we were happy to finally see something else then the red fungus were ever moment you could be attack by the mindworms. The lieutenant ordered us to the river for some ground samples and to set up camp. We were more then 2 miles from the nearest fungus so we could sleep pretty well tonight. The next 5 days we could rest and collect the specimens for the brainboys in New Apolytonia.

On the 6th day we packed up after a radio link with PO headquarters. We went to the north. To the fungus. I send this transmission one hour before we went in. During the time that people read this we are on the other end. But in the fungus you never know.

Darkness' Edge · October 5, 2002, 07:44

Five pages in ten point font, a few hours work.

Comments?

MrWhereItsAt · October 5, 2002, 07:49

[roleplay]

As ever, no comment.

[/roleplay]

/me tries to keep a straight face....

/me fails miserably

Brilliant! Maravilloso! Increible! Bravo! Encore!

DeathByTheSword · October 5, 2002, 07:53

GREAT YES i will submit a part of the diary every week now but the rest was GREAT. 1000x

i love all the articles

GeneralTacticus · October 5, 2002, 08:08

Hercules · October 5, 2002, 08:47

Congratulations Well done. As promised, I'll start contributing shortly. Now on top of the serial murders investigation, which I shall be reporting on ( by the way who is the police chief, do we have one, is it the Dir of Peacekeeping?). There is the case of the scandal of the missing politican at the xeno sheep dog trials and reports of an 'oldest profession' zone near the recycling tanks. Who is that dude with the big hat and the stretched white rover fission injection mark 2.
Planet readers are also interested in these 'human interest' stories.

Lemmy · October 5, 2002, 09:24

excellent

Method · October 5, 2002, 10:43

Quote:

Originally posted by Darkness' Edge
It is now being guarded by a special division of the Peacekeeping Guard, with only DeathByTheSword, Darkness’ Edge and the guards themselves knowing the location.

Come on! you can tell me!

DeathByTheSword · October 5, 2002, 10:45

its in building '49' that is all i can say

Method · October 5, 2002, 10:50

how am i supposed to work on it if i don't know where it is?

DeathByTheSword · October 5, 2002, 10:52

you will get access to it as soon as we now what we want to do with it but you will be blindfolded and escorted by beta-talents from the 'darkness' squad. the where abouts of building '49' are on a need to know bases

Method · October 5, 2002, 10:56

*sigh*

very well

Nubclear · October 5, 2002, 16:09

Quote:

Originally posted by TKG

Great issue, DE!

Mr. President · October 5, 2002, 20:40

Quote:

how am i supposed to work on it if i don't know where it is?

"So you worked for free to worsen a presentation for a meeting that won't happen for a project that doesn't exist?" -- Dilbert

Hercules · October 5, 2002, 21:10

That's funny I thought I saw a sign saying Rec. Commons Building 52 and the Recycling Building 47 next to Klondike Heights. Could they be the one and same.

PS notice how I avoided references to the sixties block

Hercules · October 5, 2002, 22:18

Oh Mr Edge sir, I think it would be better if we put a date on the issues rather than issue 6 or issue 5 etc. it will help historians have a more accurate record of events and their impact on planet society ( inc natives)