The Jungle Gazette: Volume XXIV

UnOrthOdOx · October 12, 2002, 13:49

The Jungle Gazette

Your Light in the Jungle - October 12, 530 AD

Rescue of New York, Fall of America!
Via: Jungle Gazette News Drum

As Aztec armies swallowed the last vestiges of American territory remaining from the Apoly-Americo War, Apolytonia received a request from the American city of New York to protect them from the ensuing sacrifices brought by the Aztec hordes in Washington.

Our king immediately dispatched Supreme Military Commander Aggie to rescue the city. 1,000(2) Royal Apolytonian Knights arrived to witness New York's last 500(1) spearmen defend the city against almost 1,500(4) Aztec troops. 1000(3) Aztec horseman lay dead, littered across the deserts of New York with another 375(R) knights meeting the same fate.

As our forces marched toward the city, the Americans thought it was another Aztec attack. Unfortunately, 875(1+R) of our troops were killed or wounded before the SMC could disarm the remnant American forces. As things settled, the remaining 100,000(4) New Yorkers assisted our troops in constructing a Barracks and Granary, only to stop and cheer as our flag was raised over the city.

- Mr. Orange

Elections underway
Term five polls are open

Polls opened this morning to much excitement. 'It seems that there will be a much more oganized procession this term. The creation of the prOphEt, and his ability to tOp and dEtOp the polls seems to have made many things, including elections, run much smoother.' MrWhereItsAt commented. A sample ballot of the new format:

Imperial Expansion Minister
Public Works Minister
City Planner
Freign Affairs Minister
Minister of Science
Minister of Economy
Supreme Military Commander
Vice President
President

- UnOrthOdOx

King to be overthrown?
possible uprising at hand

Word of a posible uprising has been circulating, with many people demanding that the King be overthrown in favor of a new 'Republic'. Detailed plans for the chage have been laid out as follows:
Republic To-Do List

Marketplace at Here It Is (currently costs 232 gold to rush) or entertainer.
Marketplace at Gaia (currently costs 272 gold to rush) or entertainer.
A road to New York or specialists (1 entertainer, 1 tax man).
Boom Town goes below 3 citizens by rushing the worker (currently costs 24 gold to rush). Alternatively we can use an entertainer.

Economic Stats

Current treasury: 284 gold.
Current income: 130 gpt.
Expected income after Republic ~160 gpt (before marketplaces).

- UnOrthOdOx

America makes one last stand
Many impressed with defense of Boston

In the wake of the American campaign, there have been several reports of a galant last stand in Boston. The Americans appeared to fialy show some backbone at one point, fiercely defendn the city, and withstading assaults from an Aztec Army, a battalion of Horsemen, and three battalions of Knights before finally succumb ing to an Aztec Battalion of Archers. 'It was a gloriou thing to watch, actually. As much as it hurt to take casualties, one could only be impressed with their resolve. It became aparant that this must have been the personal guard of Lincoln, as there was to be no surrender. One can only honor and opponent who fights with such ferosity.' Aggie stated.

- UnOrthOdOx

Friendly advices to the future candidates for VP

If you are an ambitious new citizen, you will soon think that the government badly need young blood adding dynamism and fresh ideas to the quite obsolete ways currently followed. A good position to do that is obviously VP, not too high for frightening possible competitors, and not too low for feeling a bit the taste of power. So you decide to run the next election, knowing that there will be other candidates, but even if they are good, you are so much more that you can?t see how you could be beaten.

I will tell you by whom and how this could nevertheless happen.

There is a high probability that the other candidates be unorthodox or Arnelos, and if things turn really bad, both could run; and against any of them, let alone against both, you need a special preparation. This preparation must include:

- Mastering writing, rhetoric, oratory
- Mastering analysis, synthesis, dialectics
- Ability to find amongst 1500 threads and 20 000 posts the very sentence which (out of context) will destabilize your opponent
- Mastering typography to underline arguments, use big letters for killing words etc
- Fencing and jiu-jitsu for the mental preparation enabling you to counter attack after the most devastating assault

You will have also to demonstrate personal qualities such as elegance in the fight, permanent respect for the opponent (whatever you really think of him at that moment), gallantry when hard and wrong things are said about you, more gallantry when true things are said and repeated about you, perfect control of yourself, and last but not least, an intense activity which can be qualified, without exaggeration, of hyper activity.

This is on this last point, however that you will find your best chance to be elected; in fact, hyper activity is an illness recognized as such by all medicine university, and should the candidates to the Apolitonian elections be submitted to a medical screening, you would run alone, against the Banana who is a candidate much easier to deal with.

- DAVOUT

An Orange Opinion

With Term V Elections brewing in Apolytonia, many interesting political races are coming together. Looking at the state of our nation, it is evident we are at a crossroads. Our many conquests have propelled our nation into the most powerful ever known. And many are eager to develop profitable infrastructure to continue on this amazing path.

But it seems this spirit retreats back into the clannish squirming of our ancestors every election. While our king tinkers with letting us establish unified city-states over vassal allegiances, our civilization seems poised on the edge of a golden age. Why return to a time where groups confided in smoky jungle taverns to establish shadow governments in the wake of our elected officials.

Both sides are one and the same. When sharp sticks and solid stones are working together, all of Apolytonia benefits.

And this, I bet my banana on.

- Mr. Orange

UnOrthOdOx · October 12, 2002, 13:52

Sorry, this isn't the best one, I know.

Busy with my Spook alley.

Over 3000 customers last night. Have a review comming out in tonights paper, and am busy getting ready for tonight.

Shiber · October 12, 2002, 14:09

The added caricature marks a landmark for The Jungle Gazzette. UnOrthOdOx, I hope Aro and you continue this trend. This one was hilarious!

Donal Graeme · October 12, 2002, 15:43

(What else can I say? Good job!)

BTW, if you want me to do the Wed addition again, I think I finally can. I should have the time now.

jdd2007 · October 12, 2002, 15:53

i beg to differ, UnOrthO, this was one of the best yet!

excellent work. that cartoon is great!

Donegeal · October 12, 2002, 20:22

Great Paper!

Excellent story on the VP election.

VERY impressive editorial by Mr. Orange. You are to be commended.

My wife thinks we are all crazy for enjoying this game so much, so had to prove a point to her. I showed her the picture, and that sealed the deal. We ARE crazy!

MrWhereItsAt · October 12, 2002, 23:30

I'm afraid that soon enough UnOrthO will start charging for the Gazette...... it is too professional for us to get it for free for long....

Awesome once again UnOrthO! Even my date from yesterday was impressed.

E_T · October 13, 2002, 05:22

Quote:

Originally posted by UnOrthOdOx
Sorry, this isn't the best one, I know.

Busy with my Spook alley.

Over 3000 customers last night. Have a review comming out in tonights paper, and am busy getting ready for tonight.

Really good. I especially liked the poster.

On a side note, could you post the review?

E_T

zeit · October 13, 2002, 14:34

I really loved the cartoon

, it looks liek the banana spots gives it a face, was it intentional?

Mr. Orange · October 13, 2002, 15:19

donegeal --

Aro · October 13, 2002, 15:25

Quote:

Originally posted by zeit
I really loved the cartoon

, it looks liek the banana spots gives it a face, was it intentional?

Yep.

adaMada · October 13, 2002, 15:41

Awsome issue overall, and Aro, awsome cartoon

.

-- adaMada

GodKing · October 13, 2002, 21:47

excelent job, as always.

GhengisFarb™ · October 14, 2002, 00:41

The "Jugle" Gazette? Is that anything like a "bugle"?

Great work.

UnOrthOdOx · October 14, 2002, 08:44

Quote:

Originally posted by E_T

Really good. I especially liked the poster.

On a side note, could you post the review?

E_T

I have asked for permission (don't know copyright laws on this) and should find out later today.

Quote:

The "Jugle" Gazette? Is that anything like a "bugle"?

Does someone know of a good spell check program? Word doesn't want to paste to the boards properly. It treats each break in the sentence (the auto wrap around) as a 'return' or 'enter' key. Resulting in a huge mess of manually deleting those...

UnOrthOdOx · October 14, 2002, 14:33

Quote:

Originally posted by MrWhereItsAt
I'm afraid that soon enough UnOrthO will start charging for the Gazette...... it is too professional for us to get it for free for long....

Awesome once again UnOrthO! Even my date from yesterday was impressed.

I don't know which is more shocking, being called professional, or MrWIA with a date!

Seriously, I only have plans for making this better. Just wait until the Expansion Project is completed....

Can someone tell me what happened to my counterpart in the ACDG, however? Tass's mailbox is currently full, and I cannot find out otherwise.

Why did the CNN more or less get disbanded?