The Jungle Gazette
Your Light in the Jungle - October 16, 640 AD
Con Con Produces!
NewCon Live!
The Constitutional Convention, founded several terms ago to revamp and rewrite the Code of Laws of Apolytonia, has just
released its first draft to the public
for discussion. The draft makes radical changes to the government. The committee consisted of Togas, Apocalypse, NotYouEither, and adaMada. "I'm both exhilarated and exhausted. I'm very proud of this document. I think we all are. I hope that Apolytonia embraces this new Constitution with as much enthusiasm as we have for it." Togas commented.
Specifically, the new constitution made broad changes to the Government's structure. It reestablished the existing three branch system (Legislature (Players), Executive (Ministers), and Judicial), changed the Executive Branch so that it only consists of four elected officials (President, Supreme Military Commander, Foreign Affairs Minister, and Domestic Minister) and made all other Ministers and positions appointed. Under this new system, the President appoints a Vice President after his election to ensure a solid executive team, and a three-day turnover has been added there is a three-day turnover period between the new government being elected and taking control of the government. The power of the legislature was refined and expanded, with a new category of 'laws' being created to allow the Senate to resolve issues. Overall, the document is a complete rewrite of the current constitution.
For citizen reaction and comments from members of the Constitutional Convention, please see
this thread.
-- adaMada
The Ivory Riots
Temporary shortage of exported Ivory resulted in Citywide disorders in Gaia, Del Monte and Here It Is.
The city of Gaia is known throughout Apolytonia as a bustling center of commercial and industrial activity, all of this seemed to be under the danger of collapse, when riots engulfed the city, as well as Del Monte and Here It Is. As of now the disorders were taken care of and the public order is back in its place.
The late Revolution in which the Apolytonian Republic was formed, threatened the status of The city’s many nobles, who settled in the city’s rich countryside during the days of the Monarchy. Despite this threat and Reactionist groups trying to stir things up, peace was maintained.
Things finally cracked up when the news of the end of the Roman Ivory supply had reached the city. An immediate price jump in the Ivory products- mostly ornaments the Noble ladies here in the city are so fond of. As one lady said: “This is absurd! How can I wear this two weeks old Ivory necklace n the Duchess’ daughter’s engagement party, I’ll be the mocking of All!” when asked on how she will cope with the lack of Ivory.
The sudden and unexpected cut off of the Ivory goods made the somewhat lazy Nobles of Gaia to act up, and together with disgruntled Monarchy supporters they laid siege to the City hall, forced workers into a full strike and blocked both streets and the roads to and from the city. Only a quick action from our somewhat surprised leadership had put back order. Police forces were quickly dispatched and the riots were subdued with a minimum of injuries and arrests. The Government intervention plan was in the form of widespread entertainment programs, and together with the hard work of the Republic’s “field agents”, people’s trust in our new government was re-instated. As for the Noble lady whom we interviewed, She was only placated when the new deal of Ivory goods would flow into the city once again. Although things remain tense here, life is back on its tracks, and Gaia is once again a buzzing hive of commerce and growth, and peace once again the share of the city’s citizens.
- Zeit, The Jungle Gazette Reporter in Gaia
Scientists learn of Gunpowder!
Scientific breakthrough damages southern quarter of Timeline
What was literally an explosion of scientific knowledge has left the southern quarter of Gaia devestated.
It all began when a group of Apolytonian scientists based in Timeline was ordered by the government to examine a number of scientific papers which were bought in a recent trade operation. The head of the group, Dr. Banana Leaf who has recently got his degree at the university of Moscow tells our reporter what happened:
"We were following the instructions that we received on how to prepare gunpowder using the saltpaper sample that we received from our foreign benefactors when I suddenly noticed that we have missed one of the most crucial steps in the recipe. By then it was too late - a horrible explosion rocked the improvised laboratory, setting everything in sight on fire. I felt like flying as I was propelled out of the window and nearly got hit by a burning woodplank that flew only inches above my head and set fire to a nearby house. Luckily I was bald, or else my hair would have caught fire!"
The smoke from the once glorious southern quarter could be seen from every city in Mingapulco. Government officials rushed to the scene in panic, thinking that this was a sudden burst of unexpected disorder in the city, only to find severe damage to property but no riots. Luckily, all of the citizens whose houses were damaged in the explosion were out watching the great parade that is the height of the annual 'We Love the President Day' celebrations and so noone is reported injured or dead.
Rumors tell us that the SMC's office is already working on ways to implement this new technology in order to better defend our borders.
- Shiber
Population Boom!
Apolytonia #1 in Population
Reddawg has once again compiled his
State of the Nation:
*Demographic highlights:
-Apolytonia's approval rating is in a decline; what was one the happiest land in the world is now third, with 61% approval.
-The remainder of Apolytonia's demographics contains mixed news. The best news is that our population is now largest in the entire world!
-The disease, on a bad note, continues to plague (pun intended) our society, though it is down slightly to 22% (but still worst in the world).
-The most alarming trend is the continued drop in average military service to 3 from 4 years. We remain last in this respect, but it is crucial to note the fact that our larger population allows the average citizen to spend less time in military service. It is however something that must eventually be ameliorated. -Apolyton's landmass has grown an astonishing 40.2% thanks to the Persian annexations, and remains by far the largest nation in the world.
-The biggest shocker is the incredible rise of 140.0% in our GDP, rocketing from 6th in the world to 1st. The Ministry of Economy attributes this to both the incorporation of a system of courthouses, and the revolution into Republic.
Meanwhile, Mr. Orange has begun his own compilation in his
Apolytonian Defense Review:
This is the current state of our military, with almost all of our strength lying in our Land Forces. While Sea Forces might be desired, when we look at a comparison toward our rivials:
We see we have almost double the cities and population. The continuation of land supremacy at the expense of the sea might be wise to create a cohesivenss in our vast empire. When comparing the Military Index of all Abananaba militaries:
We see we are the third largest miliatary in the world, with Greek and Aztec militaries slightly larger. What is disturbing is if these nations came together and declared war on Apolytonia, they would initially surmise 31% of the world's military strength, an almost 2:1 ratio.
Once the build-up of current forces is spent, both Greek and Aztec industrial complexes could out produce us 2:1 and together, 4:1! We would be facing a serve crisis on our hands. But could the Greeks or Aztecs support such a build-up without hurting their economic infrastructure?
Maybe, considering the vast amout of our income is derived from trading resources. What is positive, is that an increase in up-keep by both Greek and Aztec forces would limit their warfighting capability and might stave off their initial combat and industrial production advantages.
At this time, it is our unique trading postion that is keeping our rivals at bay. Without our monoply on a variety of Luxury Goods, they might reconsider. It is not just an increase in military expenditures that is needed, but the ability to produce those units if a conflict did occur and should be our focus in the upcoming turns.
- UnOrthOdOx
Ubergorsk stays on track
Evas and Irons to battle for top rank
Ubergorsk continued it's last second heroics this week with a last minute drive to defeat the Jerusalem Pickers 57-55. Much anticipation surrounds this weekend when the two top ranking teams will face off. The road to this game could not be more different, however. Geofront has been dominant from the start, with the second ranked scoring offense, averaging 88 points, they raced out to a 4-0 record before finally slipping to the Timeline Politicians. Ubergorsk, on the other hand, has only the 8th ranked offense, instead winning it's games on defense. Falling in the first week, when the Chiquita Bananas scored 92 points on them, the Irons have since held their opposition to an average of only 59 points in their five game winning streak, while only averaging 79 points themselves in during that time.
"Next week's matchup between the Evas and Irons will be the biggest game of the season. The two first place teams will battle it out." Apocalypse, coach of the Evas stated.
- UnOrthOdOx
Editor disclaimer : Due to time pressure, I have not been able to verify that the truth was the main concern of the writer of the following story; I have even some reason to suspect that any resemblance with a person living in the Apolytonian jungle could only be the result of a huge coincidence.
Typos
Our readers know that the Jungle Gazette has now a reasonable rate of spelling errors that we have been able to achieve only in discarding the spell check program delivered with Word. As we are always trying to improve anything, we would like to increase this rate in the future, and we have consulted one of the best experts in that area, ODP, well known in our community as a stakanovistic producer of typos. Here are the minutes of our meeting.
OrthOgraphOs: First of all, I would like to thank you for your help in this difficult matter. To begin with, a question about how you have been brought to study the spelling errors technique.
ODP : I am engaged in a political career, and I have noticed soon that spelling errors offers many advantages : whereas a text typographically perfect may create for the reader a feeling of admiration, it does not make him as comfortable as I want him to be when he is going to vote for me; on the contrary, some big mistakes, even a blunder or two, will induce him to think that we are very close as far as spelling is concerned, which is just one step away from total confidence; another important advantage is that, when intensely done, spelling errors open enormous spaces for ambiguity, which is a cheap by powerful way to adapt a political program to any audience.
OrthOgraphOs: Impressing analysis really. Could you tell us how you started your research?
ODP: From the beginning, I adopted a line that led me directly to my present rank in that field: spelling errors must be sincere; I refused systematically those which could be understood as deliberate jokes, and in that respect I should not have allowed Ecomomy in lieu of Economy, because momie in French means mummy and we were talking of Egypt! So, they must be totally spontaneous, or at least they must appear such.
OrthOgraphOs: I understand, and I cannot disagree. Now could you explain some of your discoveries?
ODP: I have investigated many methods of course, from the gloves with a reduced number of fingers, or disconnecting the screen, up to dictating my messages to the 6 years old son of my neighbour, but all where totally unsatisfactory as far as the increase number of errors was concerned. I finally found the good technique which I keep confidential until my political ambitions will have been totally satisfied.
OrthOgraphOs: Well thanks a lot again. By the way, no spelling error in ODP?
ODP: Oh God!
- OrthOgraphOs
To the Editors of the Jungle Gazette
Salve, citizens of the glorious and eternal Republic of Apolytonia! As you might well know, I am Gaius Publius History Guy, historian, politician, warrior, man of letters, traveler, and Deputy Foreign Intelligence Minister (huzzah). As of late, I have been embarking on a nice trip around the world beyond Apolytonia’s borders, paid for at the expense (poor chaps) of the Foreign Department. Yes, it seems as if a world tour hadn’t been done for a while, and since we now have a little something called ‘Republic’, and we have the notion of exploring the world, et al, it was deemed that such a trip would help break the monotony of endless expansion and prosper. So, here I am, sending off some letters to the Jungle Gazette, to meet the dry, wearied eyes of it’s readers, and to tell something to them about the world around us.
For starters, the world around us is rather boring. Yes, I’ll admit it, I’m a little biased where it comes to Apolytonia, but no one seems to have the same sort of ‘civilized’ approach to things. Case in point is the Americans. Oh yes, the Americans, those baseball-watching, hotdog-chewing, cattle-branding, and altogether quaint things of the past. I say this because they most certainly are a bit, well, outdated. I have a certain right to say this, as I’ve just been there. Yes, in my world trip, once crossing the borders, one inevitably runs smack dab into the thin blue line that is the American Kingdom, a thing which stands out on maps only in the way a scab does on the tip of a woman’s nose. Yes, these Americans, these reviled Yanks, live in the past, and this is due to our own imperial nature, like it or not. Well, enough incessant blabbing about (what is soon to be) nothing except annexed Aztec lands.
I crossed the border in the company of my guide, Wendell, and my personal bodyguard of three highly armed, muscle-headed morons. Also accompanying me was my flunky, the slave Stupidius Maximus, a man of exceptional nasal abilities, and a tapeworm to match. I can’t say he is a man who could think his way out of a paper bag, though. At the border (indicated by a dumpy little sign that read “Hi Amerka welcms U…Aplytoons go hoom”), I was met by a rather large and ugly guard by the name of Chuck Nastychap, who sported a small goatee, and a big spear to boot. “Hi,” said the gum-chewing Chuck, “I’m Chuck Nastychap, have a nice day. But first, I have to give you a rubdown for any concealed weapons…or for any concealed donuts…” spake the guard. He produced a donut-box from Wendell’s bags, and immediately confiscated them, saying that they’d have to be sent to customs (though I can’t shake the feeling that he instead devoured them in the back of his paddy-wagon). Four hours passed, and then we arrived in the thriving backwater cow town of New Washington, the latest American capital city (the first was presently an Apolytonian possession).
The first thing one sees in New Washington once entering is a large, dilapidated hamburger stand called McDon’s. Wendell and Stupidius, being hungry as they were, decided to go in. I declined, noticing that everything in the building seemed to be coated in some greasy, sticky substance, and that one of the fellows at the front desk appeared to be idly picking his beezer. I was right not to enter, for the two remained quite ill for the duration of our time in America. I suppose it must be said that of all the civilizations on Earth, the one that I can find the least to say about is that of the Americans, but I suppose that this is due to the fact that their golden age had long past, and that they were already in the final stages of decay. Soon, this would all be Aztec-lands anyway. I was witnessing the last attempt of an old, weary kingdom to get a nice breath, before going down for the final sniff, that from which no man returns.
After a short trip to see the New Washington Zoo (and then an hour on a park-bench trying to remove bubble-gum, wrappings, papers, and all manner of trash from the bottom of our shoes), we were taken by armed escort (by the entire garrison of the city, all thirteen almost-able-bodied men) to the President’s palace in Nochasockflappiears (an old Indian name, so I was told), the downtown district of the city. I was slightly appalled and amazed to see that which surprised me most about America…a palace even more repulsive, ugly, and barbaric than our own. I mean this palace wasn’t just bad; it was in bad taste, especially with the silly excuses for wall paintings (I’d say that these were crayon drawings scribbled on the walls by Lincoln’s innumerable off-spring). We were almost immediately introduced to President Abraham Lincoln, Apolytonia’s first enemy, and America’s greatest. He looked something like a chimp, and he smelt even more like one. He ran around in animal skins, slapped bear-grease on his scalp, and wore to cover it something that I suspect was a crown made of pig-fat and leaves. Ah well, I’d heard that America had fallen on bad times, and this appeared to be so after all.
“Howdy, Mr. Histray Man!” shouted Lincoln, slapping me ferociously on the back, yet at the same time trying to keep up a charade of benevolence towards all Apolytonians.
“Well, actually, that’s History Guy…”
“Whatever it is, I still hate your filthy yellow Apolytonian guts…I mean…I…have your…Apolytonian…mutts?” stammered the mindless barbarian leader.
“What?”
“Never mind it. Allow me to show you the splendors of America…sit down, and we’ll try one of these new fangled slide shows…” Abe then produced a small projector, a small skin-screen, and several bone-plates with little carvings on them, which he referred to constantly as “slides”. Unfortunately, the projector exploded in his face, catapulting him across the room and out the window beyond. We were quickly shown out, and no accommodations were given to us, either. Instead, we were forced to look for our own lodgings, and found relatively few. The best ones seemed to resemble our own banana cream factories at best, except with the addition of some rather filthy and altogether unwholesome-looking goat-hair beds. I decided that it would be best to hitch a ride with the departing German emissary Count Frederich August Wilhelm Felix Heros Maximilian Otto Adalbert Karl Alexander von Wallenstein the XXVIIIth. The Count was very gracious with his “Vhy, Jah, dat ve kan doo!” And so, I said goodbye to America to cross over into a country in which I’d spend more time (and which was altogether a heck of a lot more interesting), the Empire of Germany.
Signed,
Gaius Publius History Guy,
On route to Berlin
. Though there have been and will probably continue to be disagreements, I feel strongly that you are making valid points and contributions, and I hope that you understand that nothing in the debate on that thread is intended to be personal 
