Mikes story

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Well here goes, after months of reading the stories here Ive finally got around to starting one of my own.
Hope you like it.

PART 1 The Departure,
Young Mike Richards was just fourteen when his family had moved from the mining town of Leeds,his father was a master stonemason, and the family had been one of the first to settle in the area when his grandfather had helped to build the then new town, many years ago.

Jack Richards,Mikes father was looking forward to his new challenge and hoping to train young Mike as his apprentice,he would be the fourth generation of the Richards family to become a master stonemason. At least thats what Jack had in mind.

Mike really didnt want to leave,he was an only child and would really miss all his friends, especially Jess his sweetheart.She was a miners daughter and Mikes age,with long blond hair and deep blue eyes. Although both too young to be seriously committed to one another, Mike felt a strong love for her and was sure he would marry her as soon as they were old enough.

"Mike! come on now will you or well miss the ship from Bristol"said Betty Mikes mother,she was a tall slim woman with a kind heart."Say goodbye now to Jess we really do have to go."

"Well goodbye then Jess I suppose Id better go,"he said sniffing with a tear on his cheek.

"I wish you didnt have to go please dont go," Jess said crying.

"Right now," barked Jack and climbed into the carriage with his wife.

"Okay Im coming,Ill write as soon as I get to London Jess I, I, Ill miss you" he said and he gave her a kiss,they were both still young and didnt really know how to deal with such intense emotions. Jack climbed into the waiting carriage and turned to look at Jess as it pulled away, his mum reached for his arm and comforted him.

The Richards were off to London the capitol of the British Empire, as were many other construction workers and their families.The Queen had commissioned the building of a great wonder in the capitol
"The Sistine Chapel". Every available skilled labourer from the colonies was on there way back to England to assist in the project as there was a race to complete it with the French and the Chinese.

The voyage aboard HMS "The Queen Of The Sea" an ocean going Galleon class transport vessel, one of the first ships of its kind in the world took several weeks to cross the Western English Ocean. So called by the first english sailors to circumnavigate the expanse of water between England and New England many years ago in their Galleys, after the construction of the Great Lighthouse in Birmingham almost four hundred and seventy years ago.

One thing that England had always excelled in was naval exploration, and they had the largest most powerful navy in the world. Trade flourished on these waters under the protection of the British Man Of War's, huge Frigate class wooden sailing gun ships.


PART 2 Bad News On Arrival

I'll post this later when Ive finished writing it please let me know what you think of the opening thanks.

[bassman]

Good start and an interesting angle.

Watch your punctuation - that will make the story easier to read.

Looking forward to the next episode.

[steamthunk]

Too short to say much at this point. Will definitely check back for second part though.

Agree with Bassman though; check the grammar/spelling a bit tighter and it'll be better.

[jongon]

Great Story and I like the whole concept keep writing it looks great

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Thanks for the feedback, Ill try to improve my punctuation but I wouldnt hold out much hope, it takes me ages to type with one finger as it is. Im a builder by profession so things like puntuation etc are not my forte.

But I can knock walls down with big hammers anyday


PART 2 Bad News On Arrival,
Mike stood on the middeck above the main cargo hold and looked out across the water in utter amazement as the English flagship,
HMS Elizabeth sailed towards them to escort them into Londons harbour. She was an impressive sight in full sail bristling with over one hundred guns.

"There will be many more like her in port son" Mikes dad said as he put his strong arm around Mikes shoulder,"best get below now and help your mother to pack,we should be in London in a few hours."

"Okay Pa " he said as he left the deck and went below to his cabin.

The evening sun was setting as the ship sailed slowly into harbour, the scene was very dramatic with well over a hundred vessels of all description going about their business, some being loaded and unloaded, others sailing out to sea and others at anchor in the bay. Even at this time of day Londons docks were a hive of activity.

As the Queen Of The Sea slid effortlessly into port Mikes dad noticed several divisions of Calvary and Musketmen embarking onto three ships at the Royal Barracks quayside, with four frigates close by. Whats going on he thought to himself. Then he spotted bustle of activity at the Royal Drydock with what looked like three Caravel class transport vessels being refitted and upgraded and at least three Man O War's under construction.

The ship moored up at the quayside and the passengers began to disembark, just then a unit of Musketmen came aboard up the gangplank, one of them pushed young Mike out of the way and he heard the officer tell the captain to take the ship to the barracks as soon as they had unloaded their cargo.

"Whats happening Jack?" asked Betty.

"Im not sure love, but it doesnt look good!" he replied, "we best go find our digs, Mike get those bags will you."

"Sure Pa" Mike said as he gawked at the Musketmen in their orange uniforms and their muskets by their sides.

Mike was immersed in the sights, sounds and smells of the docklands. Fish of all descriptions freshly landed for market, Spices from India, Gems from the Republic of Rome and Chinese Incense then he spotted the news stand with headline "WAR."

"Hey Pa! Look at this!" he shouted.

"Oh my god!" said Betty "theyve attacked Leeds"

"Whos attacked? what the? give me that paper will you woman!" Jack snatched the paper from Betty" my god your right! the Russians have surrounded Leeds, they declared war two weeks ago, theyve destroyed three cities and are now outside Leeds itself. Oh my god theyve burned Newcatle, Bristol and Newquay to the ground, oh no what about Jimmy and his family Sally and the kids?"

Mike had never seen his father cry before, his mum put her arms around Jack and comforted him. Jim was Jacks brother and they had stayed with them in Bristol the night before they had set sail for England, just three weeks ago, but Mike could only think about Jess and he too began to cry with his parents.

The Russian nation had long since envied the English, and despised the fact that they had settled on part of their continent. Known to the world as new England one of the colonies of the British Empire. Of course Russia had been a very small and backward nation back then nearly four hundred years ago and there had been plenty of room to build new cities.
The English could have expanded across the entire continent unchallenged at the time, but the Queens policy was to simply set up small communities to increase and control world trade. At the time the Queen dictated that four new towns would be established, to act as safe harbour to British shipping and to mine the rich Iron and Gold deposits where leeds was founded.
This strategy had made England a very rich nation indeed.

The English government had always been very generous to the Russians and had granted them maps and technology, to promote growth in the hope she would become a strong ally and trading partner. On occasions some of the smaller Russian border towns had petitioned the Queen to allow them to become British citizens but HRH Elizabeths goverment always refused to ensure peace. But now the Russians had decided to bite the hand that had always fed them, they had razed three English cities (one could only begin to imagine what had become of the inhabitants)and were surrounding Leeds in what was to become the bloodiest battle the world had ever seen.

Later at the Richards new digs Jack read the rest of the news to his family,"it says here that those troops we saw getting aboard the ships in port are heading for Leeds, I only hope they can make it in time."


PART 3 The Seige Of Leeds.

Still writing this part so I'll post it maybe tomorrow hope your still liking this,thanks

Chris

[TheGuitarist]

Cool. Good to see you start writing something yourself Chris.
Looking forward to the upcoming epic battle scenes.

[dnassman]

Also looking forward to more. Good start.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Thanks for the positive feedback chaps but do let me know if there is anything you think I should do improve it or as Metaliturtle would say FEEDBACK!!please

PART 3 A The Siege Of Leeds

In the weeks that followed there were news reports coming in from Leeds sporadically, making it difficult for the public back in England to know what was really happening at the front. Many people were anxious about the welfare of loved ones who lived in the former colony. Many reports about the bravery of the British forces defending Leeds managed to trickle through but no information about civillians or casualties was released for fear it would ignite riots.

Leeds itself was a natural fortress founded on the ore rich hills, and the Russian offensive had temporarily ground to a halt, laying siege to the city and attempting to assault when ever fresh reinforcements arrived at the front. Leeds had a small harbour on its north side making it possible for some supplies to get through but even so things were now dire, and the commander of the garrison was about to discuss terms for surrender when on the horizon, a fleet of British warships and transports were spotted approaching fromthe north east.

This fact was also taken in by the Russian forces who mounted another immediate desperate assault to breach the city walls before the reinforcments could land. Though they did not succeed in taking the old walled city they smashad the remaining English outer perimeter defenses, enabling them to entrench in the now unoccupied English trenches and bring up their cannon for a final assault.

Meanwhile the fighting had been so intense for most of the day that the Galleons had arrived in the harbour, and started to unload their cargo of men and supplies, but they came under fire from Russian gun emplacments along the cliffs to both sides of the harbour. The Queen Of The Sea was badly damaged and fiercly ablaze and many of the soldiers onboard did not make ashore.

The escorting frigates began to bombard the Russian posistions and managed to force them back from the clifftops. HMS Elizabeth took severe damage from this action then suddenly three Russian Caravels rounded the cove and attacked the Elizabeth in unison. She sank like a stone in a ball of fire and violent explosions, the entire crew of 865 men were lost. The remaining four escort ships who were of a far sleeker design than the flagship intercepted the Russians and all three ships were sent to the bottom of the sea. England was now beginning to count the human and material cost of this war.

In the city the offensive had again ceased as the Russian troops had there hands full dealing with booby traps left by the retreating English, and small isolated pockets of resistence in the streets and buildings. British snipers being among the best marksmen in the world.


This part is quite long and I am going to post it over 2 or 3 posts .Ive decided to just make this a narrative as I want focus on the character Mike and this is just to give background to his eventual future.Im sorry if you find this too long but in my head this is necessary for the development of the story.

PART 3 B The continued Struggle For Leeds
(humanities bloodiest miliatary action in British history)


I will post this tonight.

[dashstar1972]

Thought I'd do you a return favour and provide some feedback.
I guess the hard thing with this style of writing is whether to narrate a game or tell a story loosely inspired by a game. I'm finding this distinction hard to keep in mind, myself as the actual facts we are going on are 'broad sweep of history' stuff but not very interesting. I think the trick is to only use the Civ game as a launching pad and focus on a human-scale story from then on.
Of course, the cheat is to pick a 'leader' as your protagonist and then you can do both.
So, my feedback would be that you started with a main character at the 'average man' level and were telling a story but have now started relating the story of a civ game.

However, your punctuation HAS improved and your narration of the civ game is pretty good.

Keep it up.

Dash

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Thanks Dashstar for the feedback,I started out with the intention of really just skipping through the timeline of this until I could reach a point where Mike is old enough to fulfill my original idea for his character.However as I progressed it seemed to need more and more background to be built into it to stand any chance of any thing making sense later in the plot.

Then I had a response from my good friend The Guitarist
(I would recommend you search out his work if youre fairly new here, its excellent)who said he was looking forward to the epic battle scenes,theyre a bloodthirsty lot round here you know!.Unfortunatly I was not really planning to have any major battle scenes in my original idea, so this coupled with my concern of the lack of background in the build up of the story led me to rewrite the 3rd part.I was worried that it may now be too long and maybe boring but I thank you for your words of encouragement.

Im going to continue with this even if it kills me,I just hope I can bring it all together successfully.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

PART 3 B The continued Struggle For Leeds

As evening drew closer the guns finally fell silent, giving the people of the city a brief respite, the miliatary busied themselves with the task of loading the bodies of the dead and the wounded onto the three seaworthy Galleons in the harbour. The civillians helped by sewing the corpses into anything they could find, linen, old fishing nets and any spare sail to be found. The captains were to dispose of the dead when safely out to sea out of range of Russian guns.

Under cover of darkness the ships slipped out of port, two of the escorts HMS Valiant and HMS Seagull stayed offshore to patrol the waters, and prevent the Russians from blockading Leeds. The sinking of the Elizabeth although a tragedy bolstered the resolve of the English sailors, and they were more than a match for the feeble Russian Fleet.

Unbeknown to the garrison in Leeds another fleet with reinforcements was on its way from London, but this was still 7or 8 days out. Back home in England the people waited, longing for any news of situation, hoping beyond hope that the second fleet would get there in time. It was far larger than the first with a large number of cannon and vast supplies of amnunition.

But for now as night envelloped the beleagured city all was at last peace, a chance to get some much needed sleep.

It was a completley different story among the Russian lines, as masses of reinforcments arrived at the front. There seemed to be an endless supply of fresh men and equipment available to the Russian commanders. It was certainly true that Russia had grown to become a large powerful nation and was thought to have the largest standing army in the world. Woe to the English now for having taught them all their secrets of weaponary and warfare. In particular the russians excelled in their training of calvary known as the Cossacks the most revered miliatary units in the world to date.

The following morning at 5.00 am the British commanders from every regiment in Leeds were meeting in the town hall, now being used as the field command centre, to discuss options for a possible counter attack, when it started. The Russian guns opened up, it was all too obvious that the big push had begun. The bombardment was concentrated on the south walls of the city, so every available Musketman was stationed as close as possible, ready to take up defensive posistions if a breach should occur.

The 3 divisions of calvary around three thousand men, and the remnants of four other divisions making up another seven hundred quickly manouvered to the east side of the city. At around 7.00 am local time a massive section of the southern wall finally collapsed and almost simultaneously around ten thousand Russian Cossack Calvary began their charge into the jaws of death.


Sorry out of time right now, be back with more later.

[unscratchedfoot]

Yah!!! Want more fighting!!
Don't worry about Mike. He can go down in a blaze of glory too. I don't like stories which are too warm and fuzzy. Mayhem and slaughter are more cool. Hopefully all those english being shipped in mutually destruct fighting the mobs of russian cavalry pouring through.

[vovan]

Well, I like the story.

Interesting plot. Although not something "wow, this is totally new"-style original, it is has nice classic twists.

I also do like the style of writing (especially with good punctiation ). But I would say that epic battles are not entirely your thing, although they are not bad at all.

But I don't really agree that it needs more fighting. I think it would be nice if you would alternate between the "historical" description, and the "personal" story of the Richards family. Although I did read through the whole part three, I think it would be nice to hear from Mike now, to kind of change the action a little bit. Then, after that, back to fighting... Just my suggestion.

Overall, good job, indeed, keep going

EDIT: You know, Chrisius, I just realized something. There are three kinds of stories I found here. I separate them based on what I am thinking after I have read them:

1. Nah, this is too boring to read.
2. Wow, this is really good!
3. Hey, this is cool, why don't I write something also.

Now, your story fits into the third category. I leave it to you to decide for yourself, which is better: something that results in admiration, or something that results in inspiration...

[TheGuitarist]

Nice job Chris

I agree with vovan and dashstar that it is a hard decision whether to focus on the human aspects of the story's characters or to provide a view of the massive battles taking place.

I would suggest that you focus on the intense Russian assault from Mike's perspective. Perhaps he has holed up in the city and experiences the attack firsthand. In this fashion you can keep the battle style of the story while also including an emotional, personalized element.

One other thing - I would suggest running the text through SpellCheck before posting. I've noticed a few grammar/spelling errors that interrupt the flow of the story.

Otherwise, the story is progressing well and I await further developments.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Many thanks everybody for all the response, I am finding it all very helpful. You know its funny that on many occasions I have posted to writers to watch their spelling, and I go and start a story and what do you know. I make loads of spelling mistakes

Anyway I think Ive got them all now, been busy editing the story so far and made quite a few spelling, punctuation and grammar repairs.

I also just want to add that I think the amount of feedback Im getting proves this stories forum is alive and well. It did go quiet for a bit but its alive and kicking now. I can now see both sides of the fence ie as a commentor and as a writer and both are vital to this forum.

If there is anyone browsing here as a guest and you like what you see, I implore you to register, its free!! and support the writers here.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Now on with the story.
PART 3 B Continued
The defenders quickly arranged themselves into three ranks atop the rubble of the gaping one hundred foot breach in the southern wall. Many more were on rooftops, in buildings or any place they could find that afforded the opportunity to send their foe to hell. Systematically the front rank let rip its volley and dashed back behind their comrades in the rear to reload, whilst the next rank took aim and fired. It was textbook precision, typical of the well disciplined British forces.

The Russian commanders may have had the advantage of numbers, but they lacked strategic acumen. They fell like corn to a scythe, charging headlong into a hail of musket balls and small cannon fire.

The eastern gates opened to release the eager English Calvary, there task to rout the Russian gun emplacements, and counter attack the main assault force from the flank. The initial charge of the Cossacks stalled, but the Russian cannons burst back into life decimating the ranks of defending Musketmen, seemingly though oblivious to the fact that they were also bombarding their own men.

As the English Calvary came within sight of the enemy they tried to turn the guns on them, but to no avail. They were on them in no time and as the cannon fire had now ceased, the defenders inside the city regrouped.
The Cossacks too had rallied and still around six and a half thousand strong renewed their attack against the now lessened resistance.

Meanwhile although acheiving there main objective, having destroyed the Russian cannons, the calvary came under severe fire from entrenched Russian Musketmen. Taking large casualties they were routed from the field, and could not possibly attack from the flank without running through a barrage of enemy fire.
Unlike their Russian counterparts the English officers valued the lives of their men, and sounded the retreat.

Back at the southside the Russian forces now even smaller and mostly on foot were engaging the British in close combat with guns and swords. As the surviving calvary reentered the city they were told to dismount and go to strenghen the line. The Russians although a tough race lacked the discipline to fight effectively and were being massacared. At twelve noon after five hours of fighting the Russians sounded the retreat, finally realising that today Leeds would not fall.

A cheer went up from the British all along the line, Over six thousand Russians and around two thousand English men had lost their lives with many more wounded.

Sadly within a week the garrison fell and the Russians captured Leeds, Two days before the fleet would have arrived.

[TheGuitarist]

Whoa... that last sentence was a killer.

You fast forwarded a week and all that valiant effort was for nothing?!? Jeez... poor Brits.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Yes it does seem a shame for them. I hadnt planned to write any detail of this war originally, aiming to get Mike quickly to adulthood and OOPS!! nearly gave the plot away

Its amazed me how once you start writing it seems to explode in your mind. What starts out as a sentence in your plot becomes a paragraph on paper.

[unscratchedfoot]

They deserved it.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

They deserved it

You really have got a dark side have'nt you unscratchedfoot!!

[unscratchedfoot]

No, its just my way of getting into your story. When I watch movies or read stories I always hope the good guys win and the bad guys get their just desserts (or the other way around when the 'heros' are Mel Gibson and Danny Glover). Kinduv simple I guess.

[steamthunk]

Figures. Away for a few days and everyone starts writing like mad.

I was hoping to find out more about the characters than the war, but that's just me and I trust you'll get back to that. Good show so far and I hope you will write what entertains you first.

[bassman]

Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
Its amazed me how once you start writing it seems to explode in your mind. What starts out as a sentence in your plot becomes a paragraph on paper.

Fun, isn't it?

Great story! Terrific battle scenes.

You're a good story teller and your improvements in punctuation and spelling let the story flow.

Looking forward to Mike's contribution (it's his story, after all).

Keep up the good work.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Once again many thanks for all the feedback, it really does help. I am dedicating part 3 to unscratchedfoot cause he makes me laugh so much!
BTW I wish you would continue your story.

[vovan]

Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
BTW I wish you would continue your story.

Speaking of which, Chrisius, we are looking forward to part four, you know.

:hint, hint:

[ChrisiusMaximus]

PART 4 A New Constitution

The war had caused much upheavel back in England, and the risk of the goverment collapsing was a very real danger. Jack Richards set off on his way to work as usual but not to the site of the Sistine Chapel, in the latest of what could only be described as drastic changes of policy, all work had ceased and been transfered to another project.

In a press release to be in that days news the Queen explained the reasons for shifting policy, and building a new modern Naval Technology Foundation in the grounds of the Royal Admiralty. It was to be known as
Magglellans Voyage and would become a centre of excellence for ship design and innovation. This was yet another issue that would not go down well with the public.

The war was over! Russia had not destroyed Leeds, probably due to its vast mining infrastructure. Although it was not known what had become of its citizens. The Queen had sued for peace to allow trade to recommence, the worlds merchant fleets had been to frightened to put to sea during the recent hostilities, and some luxury goods were beginning to run out.

The government had decided that with the loss of Leeds it was impossible to prosper in any way from the continuation of the war. New England was simply to far away, even with the worlds most advanced ships it took a three week voyage to get there. The second fleet was called back to England.

Mike was starting at his new school today, Bettys cousin Sir Timothy Hughes was the Headmaster of one of Londons better schools, and she had managed to talk him into giving Mike a scholarship. The fact that Mike was fluent in Russian was the winning factor however. Mike did not realise it yet but this was going to change his life, this was the beginning of his destiny.

"Mum Ive written a letter for Jess, do you think Ill be able to post it?" he asked his Mum.

"Leave it with me" she shouted from upstairs "Ill post it for you when I go shopping, now run along to school or youll be late" she said.

"Okay bye Mum" Mike shouted back as he closed the door. As he walked along the pavement his mind drifted back to happier times with his friends in Leeds. This only made sad and angry, he couldnt bear to think what may of happened to Jess and all his friends. He knew that Jess may not still be alive but he blanked that thought out, I hate the Russians! I want to kill them all, he thought to himself, Im going to join the Army and kill them all!. He remembered the Musketmen hed seen at the docks the night they had arrived in London, thats what Im going to be he thought to himself.

That evening Jack arrived home from work, Mike and Betty were waiting at the table in the kitchen for him. Betty always liked to have the three of them eat together, its what makes a family special she always said.

"Hello Son had a good day at school?" he asked and he gave Betty a peck on the cheek "hello love, whats for tea? ooh lobby me favourite."

"Wash your hands and sit yourself down, Ill serve it up now" Betty said.

"Mum did you remember to post my letter? whats that you got dad?" asked Mike.

"Yes son I did, now eat up your stew" she said.

"Its an official government notice lad, theres going to be an election. Dont really understand it myself yet but it seems that the government wants to become a democracy, and it wants to write something called a new constitution." Jack told Mike "Hey Betty it says that the Queen will have no say in goverment policy if this happens. Due to the current political unrest in the country at the moment , it says that the Queen has agreed to let the people decide how they want to be governed."

"Never mind all that now" said Betty "eat up your stew before it gets cold will you."

Later that evening Mike asked his father what a democracy was, he knew England was a monarchy and that Elizabeth the Queen was the monarch. Hed also heard of the Roman Republic although he had no idea what that meant.

"Well Son it says here that a democracy is a new form of government, a new concept in government to be correct. With whats happened with the war and all the Queen has had to agree to hold elections to avoid a civil war."

"But whats an election Pa?"

"Well it says here that every man over the age of 25 years old in the empire will get to vote for the government they want to run the empire. If most of them vote for the Queen then we will stay as a monarchy, if not we will become a democracy, the first in the world!!" Jack replied.

"Who will you vote for Pa?" asked Mike.

"To be honest Im not really sure lad, now come on lets be having you off to bed now" said Jack,

"Okay Pa, night mum night dad" said young Mike.

"Say Betty what letter was our Mike on about earlier?" Jack asked.

"Oh hes wrote to Jess, I took it down to the post office today" she replied.

"Lets hope shes okay! for Mikes sake. Did you ask if their was any news of refugees love?"

"Yes darling, Im sorry they couldnt tell me anything, try not to worry to much Im sure Jim, Sally and the kids will be alright."said Betty rubbing Jacks tired shoulders.

"I hope your right Betty" said Jack as a tear rolled down his cheek.

PART 5 A Change Of National Policies.
The impact of the results of the worlds first democratic elections and Mikes new educational direction. A time of much diplomatic intrigue.
Ill post this whwn Ive finished writing it, in the meantime what do you think of it so far. Please feel free to make suggestions also if there good Ill use them.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

There you go vovansim, just what the doctor ordered now take two teaspoons after each meal and complete the course.

Hope part four is to your liking.

[TheGuitarist]

Nice development and I like the foreshadowing with Mike seeing the Musketmen at the docks - betcha he becomes a soldier.

Keep it up, going well so far.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

How much are you willing to gamble my good friend?

[vovan]

TheGuitarist: betcha he becomes a soldier.

I wouldn't bet on that... What good will the knowledge of Russian do a musketman?

I'm thinking Mike is going to become a spy or a diplomat and undermine the Russian government from inside.

ChrisiusMaximus: Hope part four is to your liking.

Yes, it is, indeed.