November 12, 2002, 02:37
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#91
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Chieftain
Local Time: 04:35
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Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 99
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Well, late to the party as usual, but at least I got to read all of the final bits at once instead of waiting for each segment. A fine ending!
If I had one suggestion for improvement I would say try embellishing some of the key scenes more and skipping some non-essentials. For instance, the traveling bits to Moscow could have been taken out entirely and more space could have been given to setting up tension in the assassination sequence. Why? Well we all know Mike & Co. will make it to Moscow so any encounters there are throw-aways. However, the actual assassination is pivotal and I felt I wanted more details about the setting of the parade, the final moments of what Catherine was doing before she is killed, the reactions of the crowd and body guards, etc.
Again, really good first story!
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November 12, 2002, 03:00
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#92
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Emperor
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Yes I think I can see your point there Steamthunk, but I dont agree about the journey to Moscow. If I was to rewrite I would leave it the same but expand a little on the assaaaination as per your suggestion. If I get time I may edit in some extra Text.
Thanks for the feedback.
EDIT Ive decided after much thought that, although I genuinely appreciate your advice and comments that I will leave this story as it stands with the ending and final chapters the way I intended them to be.
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Last edited by ChrisiusMaximus; November 20, 2002 at 21:50.
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November 12, 2002, 22:19
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#93
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Warlord
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Nice job, Chrisius, and I'm proud of me for giving the ultimate sacrifice.
I certainly agree with Mr. Steamthunk, however, in that the ending needed a bit more detail. Perhaps it would have been even more powerful if you had left out the realization of Vovan's treachery until the battle at the very end.
In any case, superb job. Waiting for the sequel.
Fabula finita est. (The tale has been finished.)
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November 13, 2002, 03:26
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#94
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Emperor
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Thanks Tom aka The guitarist for your support.
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
Last edited by ChrisiusMaximus; November 13, 2002 at 15:10.
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November 13, 2002, 04:13
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#95
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Prince
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That's not fair! I wanted to be cooked off in the story too. Next time you write a story Chris, I wanna go down in a blaze of glory (and take a lot of bad guys with me).
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Here is an interesting scenario to check out. The Vietnam war is cool.
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November 13, 2002, 15:10
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#96
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Emperor
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Ill see what I can do Scratch
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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November 20, 2002, 21:55
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#97
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Emperor
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BUMP
Ive sent this back to the top due to the fact there seems to be more activity here just lately. If there are any other readers who would like to comment on this for good or bad I would appreciate the feedback.
This was my first story here and all suggestions will help me in my endeavor to write my second, but dont be bashful if you love "Mikes Story" then say so! Please.
__________________
A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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November 20, 2002, 21:58
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#98
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Emperor
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Posts: 5,725
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Quote:
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Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
All suggestions will help me in my endeavor to write my second.
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Aha, so can expect the second any time soon then?  That'd be great
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November 20, 2002, 22:44
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#99
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King
Local Time: 09:35
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It isn't bad Chris, you get plenty of feedback though, it makes me jealous.
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November 21, 2002, 05:15
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#100
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Prince
Local Time: 18:35
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Here's what I think of you & your story
Hehe  (I told you I was immature)
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November 21, 2002, 21:11
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#101
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Chieftain
Local Time: 01:35
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Posts: 80
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Looks as if I'm late getting back to the party, too.
Absolutely a whopping story, Chrisius, especially for your first effort. Mine was so dry, you couldn't eat it with gravy.
Looking forward to your sequel. Perhaps the lovely blonde woman is Catherine's daughter, out for revenge!
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November 21, 2002, 23:01
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#102
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Emperor
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Quote:
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Originally posted by bassman:
Perhaps the lovely blonde woman is Catherine's daughter
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Ooh, ooh, it's my turn to make a wacko prediction of the day (© unscratchedfoot):
The woman in the church is not Catherine's daughter. Here is the deal: When Leeds was conquered back when, Catherine came to the crushed city, to make a speech. She wanted to convince the Englishmen that they should not resist, and if they willingly join Russian workers in their efforts to create bright future, they would live happy lives. When she was leaving the city, she saw a little girl, standing on her knees in front of a dead woman's body, crying. As a sign of goodwill, and to further impress the people, Czarina decided to take the girl with her, and let her be one of her maids. A lackey sat the girl into the carriage, next to the ruler of Russia.
"What do they call you?" asked Catherine in English.
"Jess," answered the girl...
***
Jess lived with Czarina in the palace, and the two of them got so attached to each other, that Czarina felt motherly love towards the girl, and in the mind of Jess replaced her deceased mother. Catherine all but officially adopted Jess. Of course, the girl never knew that Russians actually killed her parents. She also fell in love with a page named Mikhail. He also reminded her of Mike with his looks. Besides, he was a very witty young man, and spoke English fluently.
With time, Jess got to know Russian very well, but never lost her ability to speak English.
***
On the fatal day for Catherine, Jess was in the cathedral, praying for the well-being of her step-mother, hoping that maybe some day she could become the ruler of the Mighty Empire of Russia, since the Czarina had no other heirs.
Jess heard footsteps, and hid behind the altar. She sat there during the whole thing, occasionally peeking out. But when she caught glimpses of the English faces, in desperate need of a shave, and disfigured with anger, terror, and some barbarian desire to kill, she was so scared that she didn't dare even breathe, and held her breath for minutes at a time.
She also saw general Vovan go down in a barrage of bullets... She remembered when she was a little girl, he used to come to the palace, and bring her toys and sweets. (The part she didn't know was that he just tried to gain access to the throne, knowing of Catherine’s tender feelings towards the girl.) Even though Jess had always remembered that she was born in England, she had just seen two of the dearest people in her life die. Again. This was too much for her. As the assassins fled, she knew that she would devote her life to seeking them out and destroying them.
***
Her search is close to being over. She is sitting in a church. Her revenge would be so much sweeter, since the man she hates most would die in the same surrounding she saw the man she loved like a father breathe his last…
***
Ha, beat that scratchy
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November 22, 2002, 03:23
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#103
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Emperor
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I would have to say vovan that is very good, especially if we ever get the joint writing thingy off the ground.
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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November 22, 2002, 03:40
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#104
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Prince
Local Time: 18:35
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Chris, no thanks for my last post "praising" your story?
Man, I got too many ideas for new stories. I think I'll write a Christmas comedy next to add some cheer to the forum. We need it after that tiff with Lookarse (uh oh, bad spelling again!)... uh.. Kickmyarse... whatever
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November 22, 2002, 17:28
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#105
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Emperor
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Hey Scratchy where in the hell did you buy those mistakes from huh, I got sole rights to all selling mistake trading on this forum. Who's undercutting me eh, is it that CAN YOU SEE MY BUTT guy ? hes a real pain in the ASS!!
Oh yeah BTW thanks for your ever unique form of praise as always, sorry I forgot to mention it earlier.
Good smilie that he he!
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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November 22, 2002, 17:52
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#106
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Emperor
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Look, now, Chrisius, I don't know about Scratchy, but I can tell you this: I don't need to buy no msitakes* from you, I can make some of my own - juicy homebred ones. Maybe you make yours from concentrate, or keep them in the fridge for months. How do I know? Now, if I use my own, I always know they are fresh and succulent - the readers will like 'em
Therefore, you need to compile a list of which mistakes you got for sale, so that the authors could either credit you, or come up with their own!
--------
* msitake - © ChrisiusMaximus.
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September 27, 2003, 12:08
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#107
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Emperor
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Well its been some time since I wrote this piece and I just wanted to remind you all about it
Of course also for anyone who may not have seen this first time round.
Ive been wondering whether to do a sequel, what do you think folks.
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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September 27, 2003, 12:46
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#108
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Prince
Local Time: 10:35
Local Date: November 1, 2010
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Posts: 545
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Quote:
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Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
Well its been some time since I wrote this piece and I just wanted to remind you all about it
Of course also for anyone who may not have seen this first time round.
Ive been wondering whether to do a sequel, what do you think folks.
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I vote for a sequel.
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Nym
"Der Krieg ist die bloße Fortsetzung der Politik mit anderen Mitteln." (Carl von Clausewitz, Vom Kriege)
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September 27, 2003, 12:56
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#109
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Emperor
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* Vovan hears the crowd outside his window chant: "Sequel! Sequel!! Sequel!!!" *
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September 27, 2003, 13:01
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#110
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Emperor
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Thank you so much but there will have to be far more pleading from the masses
I would like to do a sequel but Id also like to see some life return to this forum
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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September 27, 2003, 19:51
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#111
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Prince
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 I would kill each and everyone of you on the spot to be able to read a sequel from the master.
vova-casanova, what does your signature mean? What is "C"? Do you mean that you are imagining Chrisius running around all covered in olive oil?
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September 27, 2003, 20:09
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#112
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Emperor
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Quote:
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Originally posted by unscratchedfoot vova-casanova, what does your signature mean? What is "C"? Do you mean that you are imagining Chrisius running around all covered in olive oil?
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 Nope.  C is a programming language and supposedly it is really easy to screw everything up with it. That statement in my sig is actually what our professor said back when I was taking a class about C.
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September 28, 2003, 19:56
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#113
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Emperor
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Now now Scratchy just calm down there's no need to murder everybody just to get me to write you know
Anyway Ive still got Fight for Freedom on the go and then I already have my third story worked out in my head, so mike will have to wait a while longer yet
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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September 29, 2003, 20:43
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#114
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Emperor
Local Time: 03:35
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Quote:
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Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
Now now Scratchy just calm down there's no need to murder everybody just to get me to write you know
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Is it safe to come out then?
* Vovan crawls from under the couch, looking around wearily, watching out for scratch to jump out from behind a corner and go on a bloody rampage or put olive oil all over Chrisius *
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October 7, 2003, 00:43
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#115
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Warlord
Local Time: 04:35
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Your first story, hmm. I just started reading it and I’m up to where the Russians captured Leeds, GRRRR.
It’s funny reading everyone’s year old post.
I’m glad Fight for Freedom is rolling along. I’ll catch up with that one later.
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Last edited by Kaos XIII; October 7, 2003 at 00:51.
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October 7, 2003, 02:36
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#116
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Emperor
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I was'nt sure if some newer posters here had seen this when I bumped it up so I hope you enjoy it Kaos, it was good fun to write and the feedback was superb and hilarious at times.
Be nice to see you do another piece
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A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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October 8, 2003, 00:46
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#117
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Emperor
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Well, I reread the whole thread from the beginning, inspired by Kaos' statement that "It’s funny reading everyone’s year old post" and indeed it's pretty interesting to read stuff I already forgot I wrote or read. :) Man, I was pretty harsh with the first couple of posts, eh? :D Any ways, now that I've reread everything, I'd like to reiterate something I said in my very first post in this thread:
Quote:
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There are three kinds of stories I found here. I separate them based on what I am thinking after I have read them:
1. Nah, this is too boring to read.
2. Wow, this is really good!
3. Hey, this is cool, why don't I write something also.
Now, your story fits into the third category.
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(Sorry about quoting myself. I am normally not like that :)) This thing still inspires me to write something. In fact, I am so inspired now that if it wasn't 2 o'clock in the morning, and if I didn't have an economics test at 8 and a physics test at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning (well, I guess I should say: today), I'd sit down and write something right now. :)
Oh, and one more thing, this amount of feedback makes me too jealous. Maybe I should bump postmortem. ;)
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February 13, 2004, 18:45
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#118
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Emperor
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BUMP
__________________
A proud member of the "Apolyton Story Writers Guild".There are many great stories at the Civ 3 stories forum, do yourself a favour and visit the forum. Lose yourself in one of many epic tales and be inspired to write yourself, as I was.
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February 13, 2004, 23:10
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#119
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Prince
Local Time: 18:35
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oh look.... not game to print this one... wow a book....
so when does the sequel start???
 or have I missed something here...
edit: just copied it to word, and with out cleaning out the sig lines etc, as a raw copy it is 65 pages... very impressive
Last edited by Paddy; February 13, 2004 at 23:17.
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February 17, 2004, 06:04
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#120
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Prince
Local Time: 18:35
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this was great, and still no word on a sequel
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