A-Viking We Will Go.

[gooberboob]

Yes yes I know that I haven't finished the decline of order, I don't care, it got too depressing to come up with new ways for two thugs to kill (mostly) innocent people, please consider that story dead. I'm going to be working on this one now.

Life was good for Erik, his glorious people were helping Trondheim grow in leaps and bounds. All of the people said it was daft to build in a tundra square, mwahaha! He had shown them allright. His people worked tremendously hard to improve the terrain around the city, and the soon-to-be-built harbor would become the first, and therefore greatest, in the world.

It was now the day to dedicate the glorious harbor and bring forth a new age of prosperity for the Scandinavians. He walked out on the balcony of his palace, now two stories tall and well landscaped, in order to catch a glimpse of his new pet project before he went to dedicate the fishing fleet.

As expected, the harbor was bustling, but soon a strange happening began to.. well.. happen. Wisps of smoke soon seemed to be coming from every building!

"What is this smoke?! Why only smoke and no fire?"

Olaf, his brother and advisor offered the following suggestion.

"Mayhaps the citizens are in revolt, when we conquered the pathetic Celts 500 years ago, our warlords reported that their cities exhibited the exact same phenomenon when their destruction was seen as imminent."

"You mean we're going to be destroyed? How? Why? What? NO! We cannot be destroyed!! We are lots more stronger and have gooder libraries then them other guyses!"

"We are most likely overcrowded, my dear brother, I will pay for some entertainment for the people, it should appease them long enough for the harbor to be dedicated, once it is built, we can send the angry citizens off to foreign lands to colonize, increasing our wealth and influence."

Erik saw that the advice was sound enough, and he liked the idea of exiling crazies to strange lands where they would most definitely fit in. He grinned and began walking to see the upcoming show.

-----

Harold the Mad was enraged, what did they mean by 'go south until you find land'? He didn't even have a compass! He decided just to keep his longboat in warm waters. Aelfgar the Soiled let a monstrous blow to the horn, and turned the rudder accordingly. Odorhammer the lesser pounded away on the canvas tom urging the rowers on.

-----
What do you think? I'm going to have at least one raid by Harold the Mad, as well as more city humor with Erik. Any civs you think are particularly helpless? Any civil occurance you can't stand? Just say so, it may get in the story!

[vovan]

On we sweep,
With thrashing oar.
Our only goal will be the western shore.

We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.

Ahem... Yes. Nice story Go on

[TheGuitarist]

This is pretty funny
Keep it up.

[gooberboob]

"Wimminz! Wimminz Harold! WIMMINZEZ!!"

Borog the Twitch-Eyed had indeed spotted women... French women. The men let loose a most victorious whoop, after all, French women have a reputation which preceeds them. It was soon apparent to all of the villiagers exactly which part of rape and pillage these marauders preferred.

The war horn was blown, and the ship was set ablaze. The sight of their escape going up in smoke drove the Scandinavian warriors into a bloodthirsty frenzy, and each man fought with berserker strength. Axes cut through the flesh of villiagers armed with crude farming implements. It was not long before the gently sloping paddocks of Versailles were stained with the blood from the male defenders. The Scandinavians captured wives, and elected Harold to the governorship.

The remnants of their beautiful longship were still smoldering slightly, allowing small white wisps of smoke to curl from the glowing embers of their former home. Burning brands from the ship were used to light the first council fire, and plans were made for the construction of a longhouse, from which judgement could be made in criminal and security matters.

As the fire grew, the mens' goals for this settlement grew as well. Soon work had begun on twin longships of a much greater capacity, one to send home, laden with gold and trinkets, the other to take further down the coast to provide for more farmland and riches.

The fire grew larger still, and the bodies of the deceased defenders were thrown upon the evergrowing blaze, and the Scandinavians breathed the smoke in deeply, for the men being cremated had fought bravely and with a fervor unexpected to the raiders.

-----

Trondheim was coming along nicely as far as Erik was concerned. His people were erecting a bronze statue to his magnificence which would dwarf the gigantic pyramid and tall lighthouse which had been built previously.

As he was reflecting on his accomplishments, he observed a longship much larger than any he had seen or heard of before. It was the raiders of Versailles, piloted by Victorold Kingrand. As soon as Erik realized that this large vessel was laden with gifts for him, he was exalted. He gave credit to Victorold, partly because he thought Victorold was a cool name, but partly because he didn't want Harold to come back. The name he gave the raiders of Versailles, and all other Scandinavian raiders since, was Man of Viking, or just Viking.

"You have brought glory to Scandinavia, go, my Vikings, bring forth more valuables so we may expand our excellence even further."

As before, Erik loaded this return vessel with the angry and mentally distrubed peoples of Trondheim and other cities. This, he felt, was the best way to keep control over his people.

------
More to come later

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Not bad goober, in fact much better than the two hoodlums thingy.

Keep this going, you know you cut gooberpoxy short before but your obviously capable of writing. It would be nice to see this one develop and go the distance. If you keep giving up on your work part way through people might give up on reading it and that would be a shame.

[gooberboob]

Well, I had a really good addition to this, but my internet crashed about halfway through writing it, and as I am anti-wordpad, it was subsequently deleted, I'll try to post a reply this weekend. (I'm in a play friday and saturday so it may not be til sunday afternoon)

[SKILORD]

nice

[Metaliturtle]

Sounds good, keep it coming!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

My goodness the Turtle has returned ! Hows your Gran Goober said she was ill a while back.

And are you going to add to your last story ?

Sorry for posting questions to Metaliturtle in your thread Goober, when's the next shipment due ?

[gooberboob]

Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
My goodness the Turtle has returned ! Hows your Gran Goober said she was ill a while back.

And are you going to add to your last story ?

Sorry for posting questions to Metaliturtle in your thread Goober, when's the next shipment due ?

As soon as this forum lets me reply

[gooberboob]

Versailles was a busy settlement now. It was renamed Arsewhoopisheim in honor of the glorious beating which the Viking men had carried out so gallantly. The Viking men built strong fortifications around the city, and set to work doing what non-Viking Scandinavians did, farm, and sleep with their French wives. Indeed, life was good in Arsewhoopisheim.

-----

Meanwhile, back in Trondheim, a large longboat had arrived with the spoils of a raid, the most notable of this being, of course, the women. Dozens of maidens deemed fit to marry the Viking king, Erik, were paraded in front of his palace.

Erik, in a great cerimonious swagger, addressed the women, and ultimately picked a French woman named Joan. This was surprising to many a Viking man, as this Frenchwoman had not a single hair upon her head, but they would soon see why.

Erik whistled loudly, startling the confused women, when his numerous sons began walking out of the palace. Erik had chosen the ugliest woman so that his sons could have better ones, this deed made him renowned as the father of the year, and his sons even chipped in to get him a beer mug with "#1 Dad" inscribed on the side.

It was now business as usual to the port city of Trondheim, merchants bartering wares, lucky princes broke in their new wives, and the city's alchemists, world-renowned, caused a massive explosion.

------
Joan was extremely upset, here she was, naked, in the home of the most powerful barbarian. She felt the need to save her country somehow, but all the other women were Scandinavian, and didn't speak the same language that she did. "Sooner or later," Joan thought, "I will be able to take out this 'Erik' and force infighting between his sons to divide the nation of Scandinavia."

------
A shipment of goods had arrived from Trondheim, including Scandinavian women to prevent the breeding out of the Viking heritage by the lusty and seldom clothed French women.

The shipment also contained something new. Long black iron poles, and a blacksmith who understood how these poles could most effectively be used.

------

More nekked ladies and vicious Viking antics to come

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Hmm a bit short after all this waiting but good to see your back. Looking forward to the nekked ladies and vicious Vikings.

[gooberboob]

Ole and Leif Erikson, Erik's two eldest sons and fraternal twins were pacing outside of their father's quarters, Erik had fallen desperately ill in the past month. The two were waiting to see who would become the successor. This soon became monotonous so they decided to pass the time with humorous tales about different women.

"I'll go first, Lief, I've got a good one"

"Ok"

"Allright, you know my wife, Lena, don't you?"

Lief did, in fact, Lena was the first punishment wife, and was nearly twice as old as Ole, who was past being middle-aged himself.

"Yes, I know of her"

"Well, as part of the punishment, I was forced to have a child by her, but I could not bring myself to performance, so I eventually went to the tailors to get a see-thru nightie in the hopes that it would blur her features enough that I could stand it."

"right"

"So anyways, I go home and she takes the nightie in the back to try it on. About 15 minutes later she comes out completely naked and says 'what do you think?' Now, I don't have that good of eyesight, so I responded by saying, "Geez, you'd think that for 9000 gold coins they'd iron out the wrinkles! Apparently she had planned on selling it to get drapes or something."

Lief chuckled at this, however he was more disgusted at the thought of Ole sleeping with Lena.

Lief was about to tell a story of his own when their father's chamber doors burst open and the bald wife ran out.

"Gross! We just saw one of our mothers naked!"

"Pipe down you old nincompoop, she's half your age!"

"For Odin's sake it's still gross."

"C'mon, let's go attend to father before we talk about your incestuous thoughts."

"INCESTUOUS!! WHY I'LL!"

"SHUT YOUR HOLE LIEF!!!" It was Erik, even in his enfeebled form, he was capable of silencing his sons into obedience.

"How are you, father?" Ole, the obvious favorite of Erik, was genuinely concerned.

"I'm going to get better now that I know that bald wench was poisoning me to try to force you two into fighting over Scandinavia after my death."

Neither one could honestly say that this was untrue, but both professed it to their father with the general feeling that he was going to leave Scandinavia to one of them in order to prevent this.

"What would you have us do father?" Lief had grown impatient.

"We shall try something unheard of in the entirety of civilization. We will allow the rule of... the people."

"This geezer's gone senile, Ole, let's kill him."

"No, Lief, your sentence is death if you go against the king in any way."

"But it's rule by the.... 'people' now, they are the king."

"You two shut up and let me finish!"

"You two, along with your 21 other brothers will be one half of the government, and that half will be able to override the other."

"Cool" they each thought.

"Of course it's cool!" Erik thought after reading their thoughts.

"Stop reading our thoughts DAD!!" they both cried in unison.

"Sorry."

-------

"HEAR YE! HEAR YE! His Royal Highness, deflowerer of virgins, father to a nation...literally, king of kings and all the known world because he says so and nobody disagrees with him or they die, Erik the Red has issued the following proclaimation:

As of next year, the citizenry of Scandinavia will have a direct say in government of the nation!

They will form one half of a bicameral legislature to be counterbalenced by Erik's sons and their consecutive heirs, that is all!!"

The crowd erupted into cheers at this proclaimation, and many a vicious viking antic was perpetrated against unsuspecting women who quickly found themselves being disrobed.

------
's all I got right now, sorry

[ChrisiusMaximus]

's allright

[gooberboob]

hehe santa smileys

[vovan]

Originally posted by gooberboob
hehe santa smileys

Pretty funny story. Keep the goods coming

[gooberboob]

Thunder roared outside, Erik was startled, sure, he had heard thunder before, but not like this. He stumbled to the balcony window and looked outside to see that...WOMAN. That evil bald one that tried to kill him before, she was summoning lightning from a staff she held.

Erik, the French will return!!!!


"whazzuh whuh whereamI?"

Erik awoke from the horrid dream with the bald woman of death. He had never thought that a woman would be so powerful, but she had startled him enough to give him nightmares, which was more than Erik would ever have wanted to be startled.

Just then, a bullet zinged past Erik's head and caused the pillow he was just on to explode into a cloud of goose down.

Erik fled the room in terror.


-----Meanwhile in the Viking Parliament-----

"so it is settled then, we will disband a majority of the raiding parties as they are detremental to our people's morale and our reelection"

It was Brugar, head of the North Amercan states. He was known for his destruction of the Skraelings there, and the decapitation of their leader, Hiawatha.

"No it is not settled!! We cannot, and will not end raiding now!!"

Morgondo, representative of the North African coast.

"Ending raiding will allow the Carthaginians and Egyptians to counterattack, and will destroy my settlements."

Seeing how Africa was the only large part of the known world that had gone relatively unraided, the other delegates did not care, they were not in immediate danger for an attack.

The vote was taken, Morgondo lost. He was forced to sail home and attempt to create a volunteer army to...defend instead of pillage.

-----South Africa-----

Shaka, Cleopatra, Hannibal, and Joan all sat around one table, a more odd-looking group of people had never before been seen.

"The Viking menace must be stopped, they have virtually destroyed my nation, and they have started on yours, the time to strike back is now or never!!"

Shaka, who had a thing for bald chicks, responded, sounding very much like Barry White.

"Oh baby, I hate to see you hurting, come over here and let me help you, ease the pain."

Joan had to let it slide, Zululand was the only nation with the resources to make firearms, and they were the only chance to stop the waves of Viking cavalry which threatened to overtake them all in a matter of years.

--------
some interesting twists to bump this up, only a handful of posts before this is done and I can post the big story

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Nice stuff Goober, I like the Barry White thing. Had me in stitches.

[SKILORD]

i like it!

[gooberboob]

French Musketeers stalked forests around the city of Memphis with Zulu arms, undetected. Morgondo was rushing to get as many men building a wall as possible; the wall already stretched for miles, but Memphis was still relatively weak.

The French call was made.

"READY!!!!"

The Viking builders looked up, obviously confused about where the shout came from.

"FIRE!!!!"

Dozens of Vikings fell fom the top of the walls.

"It's WAR!!" Morgondo shouted. He grabbed his cerimonial battleax and his rifle and mounted his horse, these Frenchies wouldn't take the capital of his settlements without a fight.

Although the Viking cavalry had been disbanded to work on the wall, they had not trashed their equipment, so in a matter of minutes the full force of cavalry - minus several dozen, came thundering out of the main gate of the wall, led by a Morgondo who's battlecry could have scared a lion.

The French fired a volley into the horsemen, one man fell from his horse, blood gushing from his neck as if by some unholy geyser. Another was holding onto his shoulder, yet he rode on. Several horses fell, hurtling their riders forward, but these men just stopped and fired upon the French menace.

Morgondo knew that the French were in the middle of reloading, so he gave the order.

"FIRE!!! AND AIM FOR THEIR THROATS!!!"

The cavalry decimated the French front line, and was preparing to overtake the French force entirely.

"BAYONET CHARGE!!!!"

The French were surprisingly lethal with their bayonets, and, as the Vikings had never seen anything of that sort before, were able to take out most of the horses.

Morgondo was forced to dismount, but was not disappointed, he unslung his battleaxe and rallied the Vikings to do the same!!

"MEN!! IT IS JUST LIKE WHEN OUR BERSERKERS DESTROYED THE SPEARMEN OF THEBES AND CAPTURED THE MULTITUDES OF WOMEN!!"

Morgondo had used the true Viking rallying cry, women, and the Vikings had emerged victorious, or so they thought.

-------
Thousands upon thousands of dark-skinned bodies were lined up, Shaka himself had begun to address them.

"Men of Zululand, the French have been unable to prevent the Viking onslaught, the Egyptians are falling back, and Hannibal is indecisive, Every man who kills 20 Vikings and retrieves their skulls to me will be given command of their own regiment."

This encouraged the warriors, in Zululand, wives were chosen for men who did not hold rank in the military, and they were viewed as second class citizens. A collection of heads seemed like a good plan.

The impi warriors charged the fray, armed with pistols and long spears, these men were much less predictable, and the weakened Viking force could not stand to this onslaught.

--------
TTFN Ta Ta For Now!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

[gooberboob]

Chrisius, I appreciate you doing the "thumbs up" thing, but you should realize that your post added a page onto the thread, which brings people who click it to a page with just



Please comment on the recent addition if you're doing a 20th post as a respect to the author... namely, me.

Thanks in advance

Goober on the boob

[ChrisiusMaximus]

They would see more than a Thumbs Up if you wrote a bit quicker you lazy chap you! However point taken

Your last part was very good and your writing is improving, this is your best story to date and I would like to see some more, SOON

[gooberboob]

Realize Chrisius, I'm 17 and taking four advanced placement courses, the least amount of homework I had this year took me two hours, generally school takes priority over the forums, and I've been spending most of my time on the 100 page novel right now besides.

I'm on Christmas break now though, so I'll be wrapping this up soon

[gooberboob]

The French taken captive at Memphis found themselves in the odd position of being the jailors of those who once jailed them, and every miniscule hatred they held towards the Vikings was unleashed without prejudice.

Shaka watched the French with glee,(I've been hearing Rudolph about 23 times a day, gotta use glee somewhere )it seemed his culture was taking hold over these weaklings with accurate rifles.

----

"Gentlemen!! Memphis has fallen!!!"

"Absurd!!"

"Preposterous"

"I gotta pee"

"SHUT UP JENNINGS!!"

"But I do"

"Alright...geez... 10 Minute unmoderated caucus so Jennings can pee!"

After the caucus, the Viking congress discussed ways of retaking the captured Memphis.

"Reform the berserkers, they are by far the coolest warriors ever, and they are so pissed all the time that even if we lose, it will be hilarious."

"I move to censure Jennings for the rest of this session of congress"

"Why?"

"Because you're stupid Jennings!"

"Oh, ok, I thought it was because I'm white."

"We're all white you nincompoop!!"

This went on for a while, ending finally with some interesting work with duct tape and cottonballs.

"Ok, any SERIOUS, FEASABLE plans to retake Memphis?"

"Well, we do have a new experimental vehicle that is capable of manned flight."

"I MOVE TO CENSURE!!!"

"No, I am dead serious, I spoke with the head researcher, they were planning on unveiling it next week."

"What could we do with these flying machines that would make them want to surrender Memphis?"

"We have things, commonly known as bombs, which we can drop from these flying machines to inflict fire damage from above."

"How can a bomb inflict fire damage though?"

"It is a big metal thing that's filled with explosives, and it blows up when it hits something hard at a high speed."

"Oh, alright, I vote for that idea then."

The Viking congress wasn't the most intelligent bunch to have ever served as a congress.

-----

"Hey baby, it's Shaka, how about I show you how to mount my stallion."

"I know how to ride a horse, and stop that damn Barry White talk you stupid pervert!"

Shaka was still not getting anywhere with Joan, he made a mental note to start writing "Joan is a lesbian" in all restroom stalls he might find himself in.

----

More to come later!!!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

most ammusing, got to love that Barry White thing youve got going with Shaka and Joan.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Havent you finished opening your presents yet! come on Goober give us some more.

[SKILORD]

he made a mental note to start writing "Joan is a lesbian" in all restroom stalls he might find himself in.

Now return! I command you!

[SKILORD]

Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
They would see more than a Thumbs Up if you wrote a bit quicker you lazy chap you! However point taken

Your last part was very good and your writing is improving, this is your best story to date and I would like to see some more, SOON

They would have seen more if they bothered to post encouragement at all.

This is great goober.

[gooberboob]

Sorry about the delay, I've been ..umm side-tracked by a beautiful woman, never mind you what I've been doing!!! I'll just say it's more fun than writing stories