The Jungle Gazette: Volume XXX (holiday special)

GodKing · December 21, 2002, 16:17

The Jungle Gazette
Your Light in the Jungle Since 1730 BC
Volume XXX

CONDOM FACTORY BREAKS DOWN – MASSIVE POPULATION JUMP IN DEMO GAME
For reasons unknown, a large number of people have recently joined the demo game. Up until about 3 weeks ago, our numbers have been steady at just under a hundred individuals. Since then, our population has almost had a 50% increase, to a population of 152 persons. One anomalous individual in the government was heard saying “When we changed over that condom factory in Macross City to making rubber boots for our troops, we never anticipated something like this….” Hopefully, with these new persons, they will make themselves heard and seen. GREATINGS AND WELCOME ALL.
- GK
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AN AXIS OF EVIL AND AN ALLIED COALITION - By Meshelac

The entire world has been thrown into a world war. An Axis of Evil seeks to conquer the remaining free nations in a hope to dominate the globe. An Allied Coalition has risen up to defend the freedom of it's citizens worldwide, and to crush the forces of evil around the globe. Here are the Major Players.

"THE AXIS OF EVIL" POWERS

THE ROMAN EMPIRE , led by Caesar, in its quest for dominance of Abanaba Minor fired the first shots of the war against its neighbor, the Apolytons. Caesar, known for his bullheadedness, occupies the southern 1/3 of Abanaba Minor with the Iroquois, Babylonians and Russians. Their military is average in strength, and comprised of mostly secondhand riflemen units. The Republik of Germany , led by the capable but equally bullheaded Otto von Bismarck, is an industrial and scientific powerhouse. Currently it is researching an advanced form of warfare known as the Panzer unit, better known as a more-advanced tank to the rest of the world. Land-locked Germany is surrounded by enemies, but is defended by a natural mountain range and an exceptional military. The Chinese Empire and the Babylon Republic , both smaller nations compared to their mighty neighbors, have also joined the Axis of Evil. Babylon occupies a small portion of Abanaba Minor, and its military strength is below average, while the Chinese, an ocean away, plan to expand their empire into India and Japan.

The Allied Coalition

Led by the mighty Apolyton Empire , a coalition of the greatest powers on the planet has arisen to defend their mutual interests and land against the Axis Powers. The Apolytons, led by President Arnelos, have a superior military and land mass, not to mention a mighty industry. Their friends, the Iroquois Confederation , the [/b] Russians [/b], the Aztecs and the Japanese all immediately joined their cause of ensuring freedom throughout the world. Other nations such as the English , the Persians and the Greeks joined later in the Allied Coalition forces, and hope to expand their territorial borders into German and Roman lands.

The diamond-rich Zululand Empire have not yet aligned and so far have pledged their neutrality in the war, although they appear to be supporters of the Axis of Evil.
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Recently, Gazette Special Interviewer DAVOUT came across this interview

A matter of style

The Gazette, always interested in the arts, and particularly in literature, has seized the opportunity offered by the illustrious writer Panag when he stopped for 2 minutes his daily fulltime work of writing posts, to ask him a few questions.

The Gazette: Your posts can be qualified of different from anything ever posted on a board, and your regular readers find that this is caused by the impressive quantity emitted and their style. Could you comment on these two points?

Panag : Hi,

Quantity and style, ??, same reason, ?..

It took me 3800 posts to reach this degree of perfection in style, ?..

Still much room for improvement ??., though, ??

Have a nice day

The Gazette : How is that possible ?

Panag : Hi,

Perfect style ??. produces sentences adapted to any thread ??..

Example ?..

?.., we need more units ?.. should have a couple of settlers ?..

we need more cash ??.

Perfect for all threads, ??, almost, ??

So, don?t need to read threads, ?., time saved, ?. more posts written ??..

Have a nice day.

The Gazette : This is for the quantity, but how could you improve the style ?

Panag : Hi,

Shorter sentences, ?.., more implication, ?..

We need more ?.., is enough, ??., reader must work also ?.

The ultimate, ?.., ah, the ultimate ?..

Would be : we need ?..

But it requires a more educated readership???

Have a nice day.

The Gazette : Have a nice day too.
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Democratic Industrialists of Apolyton Holds Election – by Nimitz

In resent news, the Democratic Industrialists of Apolyton(DIA) have just finished holding their bimonthly election. The election determined party platform and the future president for the next two months.
In an election of 10 to 0, the platform will include the following:
Ø Anti-imperialism
Ø Pro Democracy
Ø Pro Industrialism
The platform will take affect the 23rd of Dec.
The results of the presidential election left Nimitz with a commanding lead of 10 to 0. The former Vice President will begin serving his first term as president the 22nd of Dec.
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National Emergency – by DAVOUT

This expression is used once in the Apolytonian constitution, and considering that most people you know believe sincerely that they understand what it means, you would not have expected a debate was necessary to decide what it is. You would have been wrong; a definition accepted by all is the rarest material in this country. One said that the state of national emergency must be declared as soon as one stranger foot was on the national territory, another said that national emergency requires hordes of horsemen at the gate of a capital city garrisoned with a standard warrior only, and many other, looking (quite desperately) for a quick consensus, suggested: perhaps two or three stranger feet would be more realistic, or would it be acceptable with one veteran warrior or two? Another guy said: but why are you contemplating only the military emergency? Our armies have never been defeated, we are proud of the presence amongst us of the greatest SMC in History, we are in the process of subjugating the whole world, what do you want to complete this picture? Look, the only dangerous emergency case which has already threatened our civilization, and which will certainly strike again, is the computer breakdown.

And when you think about it, you realize that this plague, although not often referred to by the ordinary people, is used as an explication for absence or delay by many officials, judges, cartographers, and in general people with duties. Do they utilize for their important tasks computers more sensible and therefore more fragile, or do the weight of the responsibilities drive them to hurt the poor thing until it fails, or is it the price they have to pay for enjoying the major and minor benefits of the power? We don’t know yet. The obvious consequence is that the national emergency must be declared when it appears that the guy just elected has no back-up readily available for his computer.
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News from the Courts: – by Justice Godking

The courts have been relatively active over the past couple of weeks. In case No.6, UnOrthOdOx called for the impeachment of Thud, term 6 SMC. Thud readily admitted that he had not been active due to a computer failure. However, in his defense, there had been little for him to do except request unit upgrades. As we on the court were getting ourselves organized to hear this case – UnOrthOdox withdrew his complaint (RL circumstances has effectively caused him to not be able to join us here, and we all hope all is well with him and his family). It took us justices a long time to organize, and that has in itself caused a lot of uncertainty.

Court Case #7 will have its own thread soon. This is a fairly simple matter in the opinions of most people. Both parties are friendly. The defendant, ManicStarSeed however, is looking for a legal representative as he is not able to be involved at this time (the holidays and all). As this is not an issue of such import that the game will stop, if you are interested please read up on the case and PM MSS along with your favorite justice (or justices) and see what results. It could mean a court nomination for YOU next term if you are so interested.
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A Dog from Del Monte (Or, 'Why I joined the labor party.') - by BetaHound

I was raised near Del Monte. My father, as his father before him, worked on the banana plantations. The work is hard and long, the pay is mediocre, there are few benefits, and there are many cases such as my uncle Kappa where a big bunch of bananas fell from a tree and broke his hip. He is now unable to work, and gets no compensation for his injury. Repeated appeals to both the ABC Banana Company and local Apolytonian officials have fallen on deaf ears.

After 5 years of hard banana labor myself, I said to myself - BetaHound - this is no place for a dog. I bid a tearful farewell to friends and family - oh how my mother howled - and set out on the road, with only my trusty knapsack, to improve my lot in life. I met an Irish Setter at an inn one night. She was a beautiful red color, and explained that it was the result of a few months work producing dyes around Gaia. She also had a large wad of cash, which for me, after having worked years on the banana plantation with little to show for it, was the clincher. I was off to Gaia.

Gaia, as has been my experience with most cities, was less than as advertised. The old frontier attitude mixes uneasily with new city improvements; it is a bit schizophrenic in nature. As if it can't decide to cling to the old ways, or embrace the new.

My first job was in a plant outside the city - mixing various dyes and chemicals to produce a yellowish/golden hue, and then applying them to endless rolls of cloth. I found out later that we were coloring the cloth for army uniforms. The work was dirty, the pay was poor, the boss was very loud and aggressive, and there were two serious injuries on my third day there when a large vat rolled over, crushing two of my co-workers. Worst of all, I think the attractive red dog from the inn lied to me. I was still the same beige color.

I slipped out of town one night and decided I would head for the capitol. We in the hinterland of Apolytonia had been bombarded by stories of its greatness, of the wonderful temple there, and the virtue of our leaders. So surely there would be better employment opportunities.

I used the last of my cash to buy a third class train ticket - yes - my first ride on this wonderful new mode of transportation. It was quick yes - but I found it very loud and smoky. Could be because third class consisted of many folks packed into an older car - with few seats, and some broken windows. However, the upside was that I met many interesting people.

All the talk was about the war with Rome. The papers say that Rome attacked us, but most of the people I met will tell you quietly that they think the government is in trouble, and started the war to distract the citizenship. Others asked 'what did you expect? - the government industrial machine and its capitalist lackeys built this huge war machine - it just had to be used.' They say the war with Rome is going well. No one is quite sure.

End of Part 1. Part 2 in next message.
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The Geographic Society of Apolitania has reopened it doors. After the Persian Conquest, a group of radical terrorist hoping to prevent future wars burned down the offices of the Geographic Society. They hoped to avoid future conflict by preventing our military from having access to current maps. One item Shiber, associate member, and Aro, Boss-Dude of the society are planning is to get some recognizance of the area known as “The Great Heart of the Ocean”, a mysterious area where no ship has been known to travel to.

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Part 2 of a Dog from Del Monte

And then - someone said they had heard about the government wanting to go to war with Germany. Well, we all got a good chuckle over that. War with Germany??!! Why would we ever do that? Everybody in the car was of the opinion that the Germans were excellent neighbors, and even if we weren't at war with Rome, the government would have to have banana peels for brains to even consider it.

The train pushed on through Gotham. I got a glimpse of the spire of the famous Gotham Cathedrel. The many workers on the train talked optimistically about better working conditions in the new factories now being built in many of the cities, including Gotham. It then pushed south to Tassagrad - and I could see workers in the fields, building more rail lines, and improving the land. What a glorious sight!

But then the chap beside me pointed out that the workers were French and American slaves, captured in some long-forgotten war. Their life now consists solely of improving a foreign land. Their only connection to their homelands being their family names, and the names of now far off but conquered cities. Slavery? In Apolytonia. How is this possible?

I remember from my childhood the stories about the mythical city of Ubergorsk, and the Sistine Chapel, and the remarkable monument to Sun Tzu. Oh, how my mother longed to see the Chapel. It made her content just thinking about it. But - there were also darker stories from Ubergorsk. I recall cousin Pi talking about the huge slave labor camps around the city - and the forlorn faces of Greek and Babylonian slaves. I thought they were simply stories told to scare a young pup. But now I see the truth for myself. Yes - my friends - there is a darker side to our civilization.

It was a dark and stormy night as the train pulled into Apolyton. My heart was heavy from the sight and talk about slavery and war. This was not the uplifting entrance to the great capitol that I had expected. Forget about the palace - the traditional first stop for visitors to Apolyton - get me to a pub - and a good glass of beer. The last of my very hard-earned lytons went to a beer and a warmed up plate of alpo. The food and drink did little to improve my mood, as I wandered the streets of Apolyton looking for shelter. Vacancies are hard to find in the capitol, rents are high, and all the public housing units are taken. My only resort was to sleep under a bed in a homeless shelter. The great nation of Apolyton. Hah! What a joke! A sad cruel, joke. I had been a fool to come here. At least on the banana plantation, I had my family and friends. With thoughts of home, I fell into a restless sleep - paw over my nose.

The next day was little better as I headed out for the center of town.. My search continued. Someone in the shelter had mentioned that there may be work on the docks, and although I was skeptical, it seemed like the only lead I had. The sky was gray. So was my mood. The only highlight of the morning was a good barking session I got into at the corner of the marketplace with some guy called mrmitchell. The rain continued to beat down.

And then I saw it!! A simple little piece of paper, wet and torn and lying in a gutter. But for some unknown reason I was drawn to it. And my life changed!

The leaflet was from a leader named Meshelic, with a passionate and inspirational message about a new party - a party of the people - a party dedicated to improving the lot of all citizens in Apolyton - not just the chosen few - a party which denounces the violent and narrow-minded attitude of the Hawks - a party which further denounces the ruling DIA as having only one goal, which is to make themselves richer on the backs of the working people - a party dedicated to abolishing slavery - a party with an impressive and growing membership: Aro, Panzer32, Kloreep, and Shiber (a good looking dog that one too) - and, most important of all - a party I could call home.

And as I finished reading the leaflet, I noticed that the rain had stopped and that the sun had come out to spread light over the city. I howled with joy.

That day, I joined the ALP, the Apolyton Labor Party.
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from the staff of the Gazette:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR

Shiber · December 21, 2002, 17:19

Very good! I haven't read the entire thing yet but the rest looks promising.
No XXX pics to celebrate the XXX edition, though... oh, the disappointment.

Meshelic · December 21, 2002, 17:24

That panag interview is hilarious!

great issue everyone!

Aro · December 21, 2002, 18:07

Hi, guys... A little late, but...

Aro · December 21, 2002, 18:08

Please, someone... Correct my english, please...
Have a nice holiday!

adaMada · December 21, 2002, 18:14

Aro,

.

I love it (especially how it makes fun of both sides

).

One of the best Gazette cartoons I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot

.

-- adaMada

Meshelic · December 21, 2002, 18:20

OH MY GOD!

Seriously, this cartoon is the greatest piece of work ever! Hands down. I'm laughing my ass off right now.

(even though it makes fun of my Israeli contemporaries..., ah so what!)

Meshelic

EDIT - Took another view of the cartoon a few hours later and I'm still laughing!

Kloreep · December 21, 2002, 20:16

ROFL!

Great cartoon, Aro!

And great story, BetaHound!

I like your writing style. Hope you write for future Gazettes as well.

Arnelos · December 21, 2002, 20:19

ROFL

E_T · December 21, 2002, 20:35

My Gawd, I can't stop laughing.

Aro, your best. Especislly after what happend in the chat today, it's choise......

E_T

Aidun · December 21, 2002, 21:28

Marvellous article about the ALP BetaHound.

Perfect propaganda too, but I won't fall for it.

Aro · December 21, 2002, 22:33

Btw, GodKing, excellent issue! The interview, the articles, head lines...

Edit: BetaHound, excellent article! Congrats!

adaMada · December 22, 2002, 02:17

GK -- Great gazette

. Excellent job, and very enjoyable

.

-- adaMada

Spiffor · December 22, 2002, 03:03

What adamada said

And Great pic Aro too

Shiber · December 22, 2002, 03:27

OH MY GOD!!!!!!
ARO YOU ARE ****ING TALENTED!! I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!!

Way to go man. Way to go.

Panag · December 22, 2002, 10:50

hi ,

did the police arrest the criminal with those matches yet , ......

great Aro , hey we could use more of that !

, maybe next time you can use the chat for an interview , .....

weekly interview

have a nice day

Hot Mustard · December 22, 2002, 11:31

Great Gazette, Fantastic cartoon. Thanks!

Kuciwalker · December 22, 2002, 12:41

LOLSBB!

(lots of laughs shooting baby bunnies)

jdjdjd · December 22, 2002, 13:12

Great job.

jdd2007 · December 22, 2002, 19:40

This issue was fabulous, so much content, so many laughs.

Panag sure took a grilling.

Aro · December 22, 2002, 20:28

Sorry panag, sorry Shiber... I just couldn't resist...

Beta · December 22, 2002, 23:30

Aro - it is a beautiful thing.

Great issue GK. I was glad to be able to contribute.

Shiber · December 23, 2002, 05:32

Quote:

Originally posted by Aro
Sorry panag, sorry Shiber... I just couldn't resist...

Sorry? WHY?
It was the funniest piece of work I've ever seen!!
First, when I just saw it, I was like this:

The drawing is just so awesome!
Then I was like this:

Bah, look at me. I can't even make my own smilies, I have to steal them from other people's sites. But you, my friend, YOU'RE A ****ING ARTIST!!

Aro · December 23, 2002, 11:26

Thanks, Shiber.

GodKing · December 23, 2002, 11:35

WOW - Fricking Awsom Aro. Histarical. It is as good as you promised. Sorry I put out the gazette a little early, but RL interveaned and I was not going to be able to put it out on sunday, and rather than wait......