Post your NEWS to THIS thread

VJ · January 19, 2003, 13:28

The ruler of RNFAR proposes a separate thread for different newsflashes around Apolyton,
due to a dozen separate threads for various news. Really important stuff (R) should
still has it's own threads, but I suggest that we place all random news right here, to this thread.

I'm sorry for my especially bad spelling here. Me isa tirred pereson, jnou?

CapitanGarlic · January 20, 2003, 00:44

Newsflash!

The Mad Capitan's Economy hit an all-time high earlier today, reaching the classification of 'fragile'. Brokers that hadn't yet jumped to their deaths rejoiced.

lightblue · January 20, 2003, 06:01

NEWSFLASH

The Free Republic has imposed tariffs on foreign imports, thereby protecting its industry. In response its industry is now of a very strong level and described as a 'powerhouse' in the region.

In separate news, the current President has knocked down legislation put forward by centre-left ARS party which would outlaw any groups or politcal parties which would want to introduce the death penalty. The President trusts in the common sense of the people to make sure these parties never reach power, and believes that the outlawing of said parties would make him no better than they are.

And now for the weather...

Spiffor · January 20, 2003, 07:12

Newsflash

The Falangusta Gazette - 20.01.2003
The claim of corrupt scientists, yesterday, that they could cure some rare diseases by cloning human beings created a huge commotion in all major cities in the Kingdom. Yongassa counted about 400.000 spontaneous demonstrators, which means 20% of the capital's population. This demonstration is one of the biggest Yongassa ever knew in history.

The King immediately decided what is best for us and for our culture, by banning cloning altogether, and by expelling these scientists from our Country.

The redaction wants to congratulate the King for his wise decision, as once again, he prevents the tide of immorality, permissiveness and anomy to corrupt our beloved Falangusta.

Great demonstrations of gratitude are expected today in all major cities, at the call of both major parties and the 15 most influent associations. They will happen at 18:00, after work hours.

Thank you again, Majesty

ColdWizard · January 20, 2003, 14:41

From the Freezington Post
Animal Rights Activists released over a dozen chickens again on saturday, saying that Frozen-Snaq, Inc. was practicing cruel methods of fattening up the chickens. A prior release of chickens resulted in the King banning cruelty to animals in food processing.

This time however, 6 chickens tried to run across the nearby highway and splattered by heavy traffic. The activists were fined for the cost of the chickens, and the cost of road cleanup. The activists were then sentenced to an additional year of service in the military.

King ColdWizard commented on the issue saying, "They made their ****ing point the first time, a second occurence is annoying. They know that property destruction can't be tolerated and that there are proper channels to go through for these kinds of complaints. Stupid ****ers."

Jack_www · January 20, 2003, 15:09

News Flash
Today the goverment released its new buget for the up coming fiscal year. In it a tax cut of about 6%, lower the income tax rate from 23% to 17%. The president of Jackson said that this was need to simulate the economy which verges on the edge of collapase. Many Econonmists praised the new tax cut saying it would give need help to the sagging economy.

Frozzy · January 20, 2003, 15:38

OOC: I must point out the grammatical mistake in the title... to should be in

NewsFlash!

In Sport, the Atradaitoshi Raiders have won the Pasiphae Premier League in soccer. Their comprehensive thrashing of Quelm Quackers by 5 goals to 1 secured the 2003 title, their second in 2 years. The Raiders also boast the league's top scorer, Kyle Mills, with 34 goals this season, averaging just under a goal a game.

Now back to Jed Sanders in the studio

ColdWizard · January 20, 2003, 16:50

OOC: "to" is "grammartically" acceptable

From the Freezington Post

King ColdWizard announced today that military spending is likely to be increased again "due to regional conditions". No mention was made of the size of the increase nor specifics about "regional conditions" given. It's likely that the planned increase in military spending will result in a cut of educational expenditures, though a tax hike is also quite possible.

Mr. President · January 20, 2003, 21:11

From SouthernNews.com:

The Karakas Assembly looks almost certain to approve a bill preventing private citizens from possessing guns. Secretary of the Interior, Senator Siti Nurhaliza Abdul Rahman, said that Monday's school shooting was "the straw that broke the camel's back". If the bill is approved, police and Militia will begin collecting surrendered weapons on Friday . . .

Arnelos · January 20, 2003, 21:32

Newsflash

The Republic of Lavor has been re-named the Commonwealth of Lavor, citing the dissolution of the parliamentary government by the conspiracy.

In other Lavor-related news, our forests are being clear-cut by the mining industry and uranium mining is now listed as one of the leading industries in the country.

Despite having citizens recently rated by a U.N. survey as "dumb as a brick", we are currently working on a nuclear weapons program with what high-end research capabilities we have developed within the small elite class of society. The military recently came to the conspiracy and asked for additional funding for this and other projects and the decision of the conspiracy supporting this action is currently being carried out.

Lastly, The Commonwealth of Lavor has been ranked #2 in the size of the gap between rich and poor for the region of Apolyton, behind only the Republic of Karakas. In related news, the conspiracy is hoping that the clear-cutting of the rainforest and expansion of the uranium mining industry may provide some needed jobs to get the beggars off the streets of the capital.

GhengisFarb™ · January 20, 2003, 21:37

Quote:

Originally posted by Arnelos
Despite having citizens recently rated by a U.N. survey as "dumb as a brick",

Actually, it was determined that "brick" was too complimentary a term and was updated to "dum as a brik".

Urban Ranger · January 21, 2003, 02:03

The Nooslandian Department of Defense will start fielding the Broad Sprectrum Sourceless Dopler Radar after three years of rigorous field testing. The new device enables Nooslandian forces to detect stealth aircrafts and ships.

Arnelos · January 21, 2003, 03:00

Quote:

Originally posted by GhengisFarb

Actually, it was determined that "brick" was too complimentary a term and was updated to "dum as a brik".

Spiffor · January 21, 2003, 06:10

"Ag Tendonbo" - 21 January 2003
His Majesty king Spiffor of Falangusta had to make a difficult decision regarding the extension of police powers. Police officers suggested to put surveilance cameras in every street croner to avoid crime, while many common people argued such a thing would go against the traditional freedoms we enjoy. According to them, Falangu people have alwys taken care of social order by themselves, without needing the King or his troops to do so.

"It is saddening to go against such a deep rooted tradition of self-discipline", declared the King yesterday to Akio Radio, "but the changes of our society has made the old ways of enforcing the law inefficient. We have a crime problem, and we must deal with it by any means necessary"

The King allowed surveillance cameras to be implemented in all major public areas, which had a significant impact on crime (especially youth-related) overnight.

While we understand the reasons of the King, the redaction would ask him to reconsider his position, who really is losing most of us. We seem to be on the way to disband privately-inflicted justice, which shapes our society for so long ; we feel we are simply losing our identity.

lightblue · January 21, 2003, 07:11

NEWSFLASH

Main topic in the News at Ten is the reintroduction of the death penalty by the recently elected right wing populist party CRUL. The President is disappointed that his motto of "Education, not Legislation" has resulted in this pathetic party taking power. Internal power struggles within CRUL suggest that this might not last long.

On a separate topic, the Chief of Staff of the tiny Lightblue Defense Forces request for extra funds has been sidetracked by the President until he can knock it down properly once CRUL are out of power.

Drogue · January 21, 2003, 08:44

As of 12:21 GMT, Drogue has been appointed as foreign advisor. Akizeta realised this statement:

Quote:

Akizeta has no business in other nations. Drogue appointed as foreign advisor. Aim: Help sort out problems. Help improve happiness. Help trade. Avoid conflict.

Akizeta also hinted at a withdrawl from international politics, so that it can concentrate on internal affairs. Drogue has asked to address you, the international community, live, in person.

I would like to publically accept this position. My aim is to promote peace, stability, and happiness. I have also been authorised to inform the people that elections will be held on the 25th January. Every citizen of Akiria, over the age of 16, will be allowed to vote for the a representative. The country is split up into 8 counties, who will each elect one member of the cabinet. Then the cabinet will choose which CM (Cabinet Member) is best suited for each position. I would like to invite inspectors from the nations of Wine and Eternal Cold to inspect that democracy is served. Akizeta feels unable to accept inspectors from any country that has not shown it's impartiality.

I would also like to publicise my contempt for the actions of certain nations, in what is an internal issue. Akirian's are, by the UN measure, the most intelligent citizens. We are able to decide if we wish to rise up against Akizeta, and we have the capability to disable it. Hell, we designed it! Akizeta has made Akiria into a great place to live. Why other nations felt the need to liberate us I do not know. Moreover, I made a statement before the resolution stating that I want leaders to be judged by actions, rather than by any misplaced sense of 'legitimacy'. I would also like to state that the endorcement of Greater Finland has been removed, as Akiria cannot condone its actions, vis-a-vis the AI Amendment, and its blatant disrespect for another nations sovereignty.

A strongly worded statement from Drogue there. We would like to say that, as always, the Akirian Broadcasting Corporation is entirely impartial in all affairs, and will not be supporting any candidate above another in the coming election. We hope that this is acceptable to other nations, and if it isn't, then they can "go have a bath."

You have been watching Anthony and Matthew Smith, for ABC. Goodnight.

red_jon · January 21, 2003, 09:19

The citizens of Redfern are happier and almost as intelligent as those in Akira, yet we have not resorted to a cybernetic system of government.

We would also like to protest Akira's co-operation with the Sovietskii Soyuz, which has been forcibly altering the minds of its citizens to form a hive mentality.

Drogue · January 21, 2003, 11:01

RJ: Akizeta, nor any person in Akiria, has been "forcibly altering the minds" of any nation. Neo-Tassadar asked for a new schematic of our AI research program, to help in its research. Neo-Tassadar has very few similarities with AKizeta, and is not a computer. Neo-Tassadar is more of a cyborg. And yes, you have not resorted to a "cybernetic system of government", and are doing well, in terms of happiness, however Akizeta has been in power for only a short space of time, and its reforms are not finished yet. Moreover, we do not agree that a society that treats its poorest so badly is that happy. Do your people like walking over beggars in the street? Or seeing death and suffering rife throughout the poor? Akiria is happier under Akizeta, and the type of government Redfern has is irrelevant to us. We have no hive mentality. As Akizeta has repeatedly stated, all we care about is the Happiness of Akirians.

ColdWizard · January 21, 2003, 11:44

From Eternal Cold News Network (ECN) broadcast
A press release from the Minister of Announcing Crap indicates that the delegation from Eternal Cold to Akiria to monitor their upcoming elections will be led by Minister of Justice Steve McFrost. Minister McFrost first gained prominence while he was Head of Police for the Texice Province and openly criticized the King's decision to place police cameras in public areas. Despite this criticism Minister McFrost continued to climb in the King's esteem for "being a no-bullshit type of guy", as the King said during the appointment of McFrost to ministerial status. According to the press release, Minister McFrost calls his appointment to be an inspector "a great honor" and that he'll "continue to call 'em as I see 'em."

In sports news....

Starchild · January 21, 2003, 16:32

Dominion Approved News

Rising levels of crime on the streets of the Dominion resulted in Glorious Leader, may He be praised Eternally, issuing sweeping new police powers. Public punishments will become the norm and all citizens are encouraged to watch the floggings and torture which will be staged live and broadcast on Dominion InfoFeeds.

Glorious and Divine Leader believes that the purging of inappropriate thoughts through physical pain will purify the collective soul of the Dominion. Children are encouraged to watch especially.

Praise be to Glorious Leader, most luminious and wise one.

Drogue · January 21, 2003, 16:35

Quote:

Originally posted by Tassadar5000
Newsflash

Sovietskii inspectors have finished their happiness inspections and rate Akiria 97 percent above the "Happy Line". Most common reasons for unhappiness:

1. Foreign powers critisizing them
2. O'Malley Meat Market costs too much.
3. "Etagrats OneGS" television show not on at enough times
4. Massive Overpopulation.
5. Work times too long
6. Government regulation 02935082 interferes with lives too much.

Thank you for that report. I'm glad to see that our happiness is begining to be shown. Might I offer it as a beacon to others? We have shown you a possible path to allowing happiness to flourist. Although we do not wish to impose it upon anyone.

Thank you also for the report on how to further improve our happiness, we are tackling most of the problems as we speak. Overpopulation has never been a problem. Quite simply, we have enough country for the people. However, if we grow much more, that may become our limiting factor. Work is also in the process of being shortened. Akizeta found, when running a simulation, that people can work fewer hours, earn less money, have fewer things, but spend more time with family and friends, and be happier. Therefore we have a 4 day working week, and work hours cut to a 9-4, 6 hour day

All except government officials of course

Government regulation 02935082?

I think it is quite improper to bring up the mandatory size and thickness of condoms in an official transmission

Our government is very strong on sex

sorry, safe sex

Markus The Mighty · January 21, 2003, 21:58

from MPA (Markustan Press Association)
Government announces Free Marijuana Act

Markusarkand.Today, Disputed Representative Markus the Mighty announces that Markustanian government seeks to further loosen its already liberal drug laws, and has passed the new Act to Markustanian parliament.

Asked about his personal views about recreational drugs, the Representative panicked and shouted: "Please get those reptiles to putting on their golfing shoes!"

Arnelos · January 21, 2003, 22:50

Newsflash

Finally plans were brought before the conspiracy asking if they wished to revitalize the education system, to which the conspiracy wholeheartedly agreed to do. While private funds are also being pumped into the defense industry, it is hoped that the influx of private funds into a revitalization of education will raise the chances for us conducting high-end research more effectively, such as the aquisition of nuclear weapons and the development of various other tools.

Interestingly, the influx of funding into the education program and defense industry did not cause a raise in our income tax from "virtually non-existent".

Thus it is that we are apparently tied for last place in average income tax.

ixnay · January 22, 2003, 01:24

NEWSFLASH

Following weeks of a benevolent dictator's rule, the Sultanate of Townsville has decided to hold upcoming elections. Democracy should be rekindled, and Townsville should reclaim its position as one of the economic leaders of apolyton.

Starchild · January 22, 2003, 12:20

Dominion Approved News

The Rainforests of the Dominion are to be burnt to the ground under a new directive from Glorious Leader. The degenerate growth of decaying vegetation will be cleared away so that the materials beneath can be used to further the always rising economy of the Dominion. Citizens with registration numbers between Alpha153290 and Alpha190834 have been instructed to report to their nearest Volunteer Facility so they may begin the project.

Noting the continued expansion of the economy and living standards under the benign guidence of Glorious Leader, the people have protested against the plans of a small minority to demand free elections. The troublemaking revolutionary fascist-anarchists were unfortunately killed in mob violence before they could be reach the protection of police units. The leaders of the political faction responsible for stirring the anger of the people will be tried for treason, inciting a riot, and terrorism and upon being found guilty, their corpses will be displayed in Efficiency Square.

Praise be to Glorious Leader, most all seeing benign one.

CapitanGarlic · January 22, 2003, 19:21

Newsflash!

Unfortunately, the economy took a nose dive after looking good for a few weeks. It is now classified as a 'Basket Case'. Suicide among economists has hit an all-time high.

Frozzy · January 22, 2003, 20:27

NewsFlash!

Escape at the Atradaitoshi Mental Asylum and the Lion's Den at Atradaitoshi Zoo. Police are unaware if the escapes are related. Beware.

Skanky Burns · January 22, 2003, 21:22

NewsFlash!

Drunken Macaque has been terrorised by a giant pink elephant. It was first reported around 7pm yesterday in the capital city, about an hour after one of the cities many parties had started. "Itsh pink, and itsh danshing! Hello elephant!!" slurred one local resident. "*Hic*" he added. Another resident declared that she would have to save her Macaque from the "ravages of that damn elephant", before vomitting violently in the street.

The pink elephant disappeared sometime during the night, leaving behind a legacy of empty bourbon bottles and hangovers. Thankfully, no Macaques were harmed during the giant pink elephant's visit.

Starchild · January 23, 2003, 12:01

Dominion Approved News

Animal Liberation Activists, attempting to disrupt the collective harmony fostered by Glorious Leader, released several protein synthesising organisms from their protective cubicles. They have been sent to the Ministry of Eternal Peace and Brotherhood to be rehabilitated in the proper conduct within Dominion society.

Extending the Citizen Recognition Programme was the main focus of The Most Righteous and Farseeing One's new directive to issue all citizens of the Dominion with identificaton cards. The first phase will be the ID cards to help the Dominion understand the movement of it's citizens in their economic routines. Next phase will be the implanation of bioidentification chips with short range wireless capabilities to ensure that all citizens are under the protection of the Dominion.

Praise be to Glorious Leader, keeping us Safe and Secure from the savages of other lands.

SlowwHand · January 23, 2003, 19:41

Did you crash the server, starchild ?