Man with flu falls asleep on train, Government removes his liver

FrustratedPoet · January 21, 2003, 10:07

The Holy Empire of Whogivesa****, which recently passed a bill making euthanasia legal, has today opted to enfore compulsory organ harvesting.

If my people only so much as look a bit off-colour and express some form of dissatisfaction with their lives I'll whip out their kidneys before you can say 'fava beans and a nice chianti'.

You've been warned.

Kassiopeia · January 21, 2003, 10:12

Remind me not to go to Whogivesa**** on vacation

GhengisFarb™ · January 21, 2003, 12:46

Quote:

Originally posted by Kassiopeia
Remind me not to go to Whogivesa**** on vacation

It's okay to visit, just don't go to sleep or reduce your walking speed below 5mp.

FrustratedPoet · January 21, 2003, 19:41

HOLLOW BODY OF LOCAL MAN FOUND IN HOSPITAL - EVERQUEST BLAMED

There was a dramatic new twist today that is set to put further pressure on the Whogivesa*** government over their controversial human-organ policies. A local man was found in the waiting room of a Hospital with 95% of his internal organs removed and several thousands of F***pounds (F£) in his pockets.
Eye-witnesses claim that the man had been in the hospital for days, seemingly taking advantage of the Government's new policy allowing Hospitals to pay patients for any donated organs.

"I saw it me very own-self," drawled Cornelius Splange, 87, "That there fella had been a-sellin' his organs for days. He told me that he'd got F£1000 for his liver."

The victim, believed to be student drop-out Thighmaster Trinity, 24, had very likely been suffering from 'severe mental anxiety', a police psychlogist said earlier today.

Trinity's mother has expressed grave concerns that her son's death had been directly caused by his fervent passion to purchase Everquest items on E-bay.

"He told me that he would only sell one kidney or a couple of fingers and that would be as far as it would go. He said he just needed to buy 'this uber armor' he had seen for sale on E-bay. I encouraged him at first because it was just nice to see him getting out of the house. However, it didn't just stop at that. It wasn't long before he was selling his liver, lungs, heart and even his brain to the Hospital in order to fuel his Everquest addiction."

Hospital sources refused to comment, saying that the details of a patient's treatment were strictly confidential. However, our medical sources suggest that Trinity had managed to survive for maybe as much as 12 hours without any of his internal organs - save only his Spleen.

"I don't know how the kid was still functioning, it shouldn't be possible for a human body to survive on just a Spleen." said general practitioner Quentin Pomposass to our reporter "Although apparently he spent that 12 hours playing Everquest, which perhaps explains it."

A spokesman for Verant said that although his company listed having a brain in the 'recommended' specs for their smash-hit online role-playing game it was "Not a requirement of play, and indeed is not even supported by some of the features planned for Everquest 2. We have it on good authority that some of our customers have been playing without their brains for up to 5 years now."

We attempted to contact a Government representative to comment on these scandulous and highly serious allegations. However, the only response they were prepared to give was: "Whogivesa***?"

Skanky Burns · January 21, 2003, 20:45

GeneralTacticus · January 22, 2003, 05:43

Archaic · January 22, 2003, 05:46

Is there anything to say but......

Arnelos · January 22, 2003, 15:46

Giovanni Wine · January 22, 2003, 16:50

Ah ah ah

Very very nice

Frozzy · January 22, 2003, 20:20

Great stuff!!!

mrmitchell · January 22, 2003, 22:40

Indeed, the Free Republic of Terminal Dogma is happy to take organs also, but with a slightly different idea in mind...(i.e., not one that would show up in the Onion)

I might suggest to the leaders of Whogivesashit that they adopt Terminal Dogma's approach of testing a person for mental illnesses before they donate their organs. We've had no hollow bodies so far.

However, organ harvesting is a very worthy cause--in Terminal Dogma 600 people have been saved in the trial program alone, and hundreds of thousands of Jawbreaker have been given out to the persons considerate enough to donate such items as their lungs, spleen, aorta, and brain. Your efforts, citizens, are appreciated.

Sheep · January 22, 2003, 23:31