Math/science jokes

ixnay · January 27, 2003, 19:04

Post your best math/science/engineering/etc. jokes here:

Why did the math major confuse Halloween for Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
Nothing, you can't cross a scaler and a vector.

A policeman stops Prof. Heisenberg for speeding:

"Good Evening, Sir. Did you know how fast you are going?"
"No, but I know where I am!"

Provost Harrison · January 27, 2003, 19:08

*groan*

I think the sciences and humour should be kept well apart

Mercator · January 27, 2003, 19:15

1+1=3...

BWAHAHAHA!

Sorry, that's the best I can do.

Asher · January 27, 2003, 19:15

I don't know too many geeky jokes like that, but there's a few that make fun of geeks

A computer science student is using a laptop under a tree and another one pulls up on a new bike.
The student under the tree asks, "Where'd you get that?!"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying, this girl pulls up on her bike... She takes off all her clothes and says to me, 'You can have anything you want'."
The other student responds, "Good choice! -- her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Provost Harrison · January 27, 2003, 19:18

I suppose I have to bring the biology jokes...

How do you make a hormone?

I am sure you can imagine the answer to that one without me having to repeat it

Edan · January 27, 2003, 19:23

Q What did the baby acorn say when it was all growed up?

A Gee, I'm a tree. (Say it outloud) *groan*

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.
"No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

FrustratedPoet · January 27, 2003, 19:25

A guys walks into a pub and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate
The barman says "That'll be 80p"

Asher · January 27, 2003, 19:26

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are on a photo safari in Africa. They drive out on the Savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!

The statistician: It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra.

The mathematician: Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side.

The computer scientist: Oh, no! A special case!

-----

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

-------

Three grad students are trying to prove that all odd numbers are
prime. [note to non-mathematicians: this isn't even true - e.g., 9 is odd
but not prime.]

The physicist says "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime - so the
experimental evidence is sufficient to conclude the general result."

The mathematician says "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime - so the result
follows by induction."

The engineer says "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime..."

The computer scientist says "3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime..."

Sorry

Az · January 27, 2003, 19:26

From our student newspaper humor corner:

---------

These are the replies for the the final exam in the course "Math for Medicine Students":

a) two apples.
b) the train from Tel Aviv arrives first.

--------

FrustratedPoet · January 27, 2003, 19:27

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins?
She baptized one and kept the other as a control.

cavebear · January 27, 2003, 19:47

Well, all I have is an old one, but maybe *someone* hasn't heard it:

Three Native American women are about to give birth, and they each spread out an animal skin to wait on in the birthing lodge. The first has a buffulo skin, the second a deer skin, the tird a hippopotomus skin.

The first woman has a son. The second women has a son. The third woman has 2 sons, thus proving...

The sons of the squaw on the hippopotomus are equal to the sons of the squaws on the other 2 hides.

Nubclear · January 27, 2003, 19:50

Mings Flower Poisons Prison, Beware Human....Rah has Risen!

cavebear · January 27, 2003, 20:35

Quote:

Originally posted by Tassadar5000
Mings Flower Poisons Prison, Beware Human....Rah has Risen!

Is that an anagram or something?

loinburger · January 27, 2003, 21:27

I had this joke sent to me by a couple relatives (who were displeased that I decided to become a computer scientist rather than a "real engineer"):

A king hires a computer scientist an an electrical engineer to design a toaster for him. He asks for each to present a rough design to the royal court by the end of the next day.

The following day, the electrical engineer presents his design to the king's court: "The toaster really only needs six different settings in order for the user to be satisfied, and the heating coils can use a constant temperature since the different settings can simply toast for different lengths of time, so a simple chip design using twenty-four logic gates is all that is needed for the user to be able to specify his or her toast preference. I can have a working model for you by the end of the week."

The computer scientist then presents his solution: "What my engineer friend fails to realize is that his toaster will be able to toast bread, but what if somebody wants to toast bagels? Or english muffins? What then? What if the user wants to put cream cheese, or butter, or jam, or even honey, on his or her bread/bagel/muffin? Or, what if the user decides that he or she doesn't want to toast anything, but that they would instead prefer cereal for breakfast, or a donut -- then the engineer's toaster is useless! Or what if the user wants scrambled eggs, or french toast, or waffles? What then? Clearly the toaster requires a minimum of a Cray processor in order to be able to effectively cook breakfast, and it also requires separate peripherals in order to accomplish milk-pouring, egg-scrambling, bacon-frying, or even steak-grilling. I'll be able to construct just such a device for a mere $25,000,000, assuming no cost overruns, and will have a mostly-debugged prototype within two years."

The king accepted the electrical engineer's design and executed the computer scientist. The kingdom rejoiced.

Six Thousand Year Old Man · January 27, 2003, 21:39

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a Microsoft Certified Systems EngineerTM are out for a drive when suddenly the car sputters to a stop.

The mechanical engineer says: "I think the carburetor is flooded. Depress the gas pedal and turn the key, and the car should start."

The electrical engineer says: "Probably the wiring from the distributor to the spark plugs is wet, from the rainstorm back there. Clean them with a dry cloth, and the car should start."

The Microsoft Certified Systems EngineerTM says: "We need to shut off the radio, close all the windows, reopen them, and then press the clutch, the power door lock and the hood trunk release simultaneously...."

cavebear · January 27, 2003, 21:57

A man is floating in a hot air balloon, he gets caught in a draft and blown off course. He quickly realizes he's lost and looks for someone on the ground to help him out. He spots a man walking and lowers the balloon and shouts," Hey, I'm lost, I was supposed to meet someone an hour ago, and was wondering if you could tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground replied, " You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30' above ground at 36 degrees longitude 12 degrees latitude heading west by south west."

The man in the balloon replied, " you must be an engineer." The man on the ground replied, "yes, how did you know?" The man in the balloon, " because although the information you gave me is technically correct, you never answered my question and I'm still lost."

The man on the ground replied, " you must be in management." Balloon guy, "yes, how did you know?" Ground guy, "because you got in the position you're in by blowing a lot of hot air, you have no idea what to do, where you are, how you were going to get where you wanted to go; and somehow it's my fault."

Nubclear · January 27, 2003, 22:33

Quote:

Originally posted by cavebear

Is that an anagram or something?

No. It is in refrence to the infamous "guess the real ming" thread where our Glorious Comrade Tassadar banished the 9 Heads of Ming into the North Korean Prison system however the 1st head of Ming (Ming) developed a flower which would posion the guards, eat through steel, and disable computer systems using advanced MicroSoftNano (R) technology.

However, because 8 of the heads are protected BY steel (the ninth, Rah, being protected by the 8 heads) the flower lowered their defences. Rah had been waiting for this and ate the 8 heads of Ming and subsequtenly become the most powerful of the heads (By eating the other heads, he gained their powers.) and now the are all slaves to him.

The joke is in refrence to that incident (Commonly called the "Ming Incident" or "Prison Ming". The following is the meaning broken down by words in the joke:

Mings Flower

The poisnous flower Ming constructed.

Poisons Prison

In refrence to the flower killing guards, disabling computers, and eating through steel.

Beware Human.......

A warning to all humans.

Rah has Risen!

In refrence to the rise of the 9th head of Ming, Rah, rising to defeat and enslave the other heads.

cavebear · January 27, 2003, 22:40

Quote:

Originally posted by Tassadar5000

No. It is in refrence to the infamous "guess the real ming" thread where our Glorious Comrade Tassadar banished the 9 Heads of Ming into the North Korean Prison system however the 1st head of Ming (Ming) developed a flower which would posion the guards, eat through steel, and disable computer systems using advanced MicroSoftNano (R) technology.

However, because 8 of the heads are protected BY steel (the ninth, Rah, being protected by the 8 heads) the flower lowered their defences. Rah had been waiting for this and ate the 8 heads of Ming and subsequtenly become the most powerful of the heads (By eating the other heads, he gained their powers.) and now the are all slaves to him.

The joke is in refrence to that incident (Commonly called the "Ming Incident" or "Prison Ming". The following is the meaning broken down by words in the joke:

Mings Flower

The poisnous flower Ming constructed.

Poisons Prison

In refrence to the flower killing guards, disabling computers, and eating through steel.

Beware Human.......

A warning to all humans.

Rah has Risen!

In refrence to the rise of the 9th head of Ming, Rah, rising to defeat and enslave the other heads.

Wow!

Evidentally I missed a lot! Impressive... I still haven't got the slightest idea what you are talking about, but I *am* impressed by the detail of it.

MattyBoy · January 28, 2003, 00:32

Quote:

A computer science student is using a laptop under a tree and another one pulls up on a new bike.
The student under the tree asks, "Where'd you get that?!"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying, this girl pulls up on her bike... She takes off all her clothes and says to me, 'You can have anything you want'."
The other student responds, "Good choice! -- her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

- my favourite so far.

orange · January 28, 2003, 00:47

Pi is exactly 3

:gasps:

ixnay · January 28, 2003, 00:50

Was it on this forum that someone (Asher?) posted a large list of how various programming languages let you shoot yourself in your foot? If so, that was humorous.

Asher · January 28, 2003, 00:59

Don't know if I posted them here before or not, someone else may have.

Repost in any case:

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "that's me, over there."

Objective C
You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.

Algol (60 or 68)
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

Algol 60
You spend hours trying to figure out how to fire the gun since it has no provision for input or output.

APL
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.

Assembly Language
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

BASIC
Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

COBOL
USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

DBase
You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

Dbase IV version 1.0
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

Fortran
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

Java
You shoot yourself in the foot. Everyone else who accesses your websit leaves hobbling and cursing.

Lisp
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun jams on a stray parenthesis.

Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Modula-2
After realising that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

PL/1
Since the bullet is a different type from your foot, the bullet automatically gets converted to another foot on arrival. It's still difficult to walk afterwards.

Prolog
You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face.

sh, csh, etc.
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.

SQL
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fire the attachment at the end of your leg.

Proteus_MST · January 28, 2003, 03:11

A mathematician, a physicist and a computer user are confined in seperate rooms.
Each of them receives two glass balls. After one hour the Experimentator looks what they are doing with them.
The mathematician quietly sits there and computes the volume and the surface of the balls.
The physicist holds the balls against the light and computes refractive index and absorption coefficient.
Finally he looks into the room with the Computer User and sees that one ball is gone and the window is broken.
On the question, what happened, the user only shrugs his shoulders and says: "I haven´t done anything"

Urban Ranger · January 28, 2003, 04:27

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Dr. A. Cula · January 28, 2003, 06:10

A variant of the creation joke (maybe I don't remember it right):

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civili engineer are arguing about God's profession.

The mechanical engineer says: "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body. The way all the bones connect to each other to provide a flexible, yet soild support for the body is clearly a feat of mechanical engineering."

The electrical engineer says: "You're wrong.Look at the way the human body is wired, how the neurons connect to each other to form the brain, and how nerves run all over the body delivering information to the brain and commands to the muscles. It's clearly a masterpiece of electrical engineering."

The civil engineer says: "You're both wrong. The human body is the work of a civil engineer."

"How so?"

"Who else would put an exhaust pipe in the middle of an amusement park?"