Common Sense 101

[loinburger]

I've been thinking of writing a book titled Common Sense 101, or, So You Were Born In Ohio.... I figure that if I'm going to be stuck here in Ohio for the immediate future, I might as well try to make things a little more pleasant for me all for all of the hapless Ohioans whom I encounter on a day-to-day basis. This is a rough draft of my first chapter, "Rules of the Road." Any constructive criticism y'all can offer would be most appreciated.

1. If it is dark outside, then turn on your headlights.

"But loinburger, I do turn my headlights on at night!" Perhaps this is true, but you may have noticed, my dear Ohioan, that there is often a three-mile-thick cloudbank that is blanketing the sky, and that this cloudbank might be there regardless of whether it is noon or midnight. This cloudbank, having the tendency to block the sun, will also tend to make it dark outside.

"Now you're just talking crazytalk, loinburger. Why should I turn my headlights on at noon? " Because, like I just pointed out it's often dark at noon. I'm afraid that this course may be too advanced for you -- you should consider enrolling in "Common Sense 100, or, So You're An Idiot..."

2. Hey Jackass, try going the speed limit for a change!

That's right, you may think that you're a speed demon by going 50 MPH in a 65 MPH zone, and you may be forgiven this error by virtue of the fact that you were born in Ohio, but please don't let it happen again.

3. Move the **** over!

If you insist on going under the speed limit, then please do so in the right-hand lane. The fast lane (also called the "passing lane") is given that name for a reason, namely, that a good rule of thumb to employ when using this lane is that you should be either a. going fast and/or b. passing somebody. Violation of rules 2 and/or 3 may result in me driving my car up your ass.

"Clearly, if you drive your car up my ass, then you are driving too fast for conditions! You should slow down!" Actually, I'm driving perfectly in control. The reason that I'm going to drive my car up your ass is because I hate you.

4. Hey buddy, I'm in the same boat as you.

It is a common misconception among many Ohioans that tailgating somebody will either a. cause them to speed up or b. cause them to move over. While this may sometimes be true, a good rule of thumb to employ is that if the guy in front of you (in this case me) is closely following the guy in front of him, then there's not a whole helluva lot that the guy in front of you can do about his situation. Tailgating him will not cause him to speed up nor will it cause him to move into the next lane to the right (which you will note is filled with trucks going 60 MPH). On the contrary, it may cause him to slam on his brakes just to piss you off.

5. Put the pedal to the metal!

There is no excuse for you to require 60 seconds to accelerate from 0 to 60. No excuse. (Unless your car is on fire, I suppose. Then you are forgiven.)

6. Turn your car already, dammit!

Barring bumps in the road and/or inclement weather conditions, you will note that most normal human beings are perfectly capable of keeping control of their car while turning left/right at up to (or even in excess of!) 15 MPH. I understand that you are not a normal human being (what with being born in Ohio and whatnot), but please, at least make some attempt to go faster than 1 MPH when making a turn.

7. Why the hell are you backing up???

If you are in the middle of the intersection waiting to making an unprotected left-hand turn, and the light turns yellow/red before an opportunity to turn presents itself, then one of the stupidest things that you can do is to back up out of the intersection into the guy waiting behind you. See rule 6 to determine what you should do in this situation.

[Arrian]

I feel your pain, Loinburger.

-Arrian

[Wittlich]

I feel your pain Loinburger...being born and raised in Ohio myself. Of course, I no longer live there!

[Tiamat]

We are going to be staying in Ohio come the end of March...you guys are scaring me

[SpencerH]

Here's some from Alabama

8. Is your foot filling with helium?

Please note that when you have stopped at a red light the idea is to remain stopped until the light changes to green and it is safe to move forward. Lifting your foot off of the brake and allowing your vehicle to slowly roll into the middle of the intersection in the face of a red light is foolhardy at best.

9. Pull off the road and stop

When you notice dense black smoke pouring from your engine compartment it may be worth your while to pull over to the side of the road and bail out from your burning vehicle. In the unlikely event that you have a fire extinguisher, now is the time to use it.

10. Go ahead, make that U turn

Feel free to make a U-turn across the highway divider into oncoming 80 mph traffic. After all you'll save yourself the 10 minutes it would take to go to the next exit and turn around.

[Arrian]

Ohio isn't all that bad.

Everyone single one of the listed complaints apply to just about any state I've driven in.

There are crappy drivers everywhere.

-Arrian

[Arrian]

Spencer,

8. is familiar to me, particularly in urban areas such as Hartford (*shudder*)

9 and 10, however, are beyond my experience. I have never driven down in 'bama, and am rather glad about that.

-Arrian

[Gibsie]

Hooray for my inability and lack of desire to drive!

[loinburger]

Originally posted by Arrian
There are crappy drivers everywhere.

Oh sure, but the type and degree of crappiness does seem to vary from region to region. F'rinstance, I have never seen anybody back up out of an intersection, except in Ohio. Also, some rules apply to other states that don't apply as stringently to Ohio, e.g.,

Illinois: So, your lane is disappearing... - Now might be a good time to get into another lane.

Virginia: So, your lane just disappeared... - Surprise! Bet you didn't see that one coming...

[Asher]

Where I live, whenever it snows, drivers can be classified into two categories only:

They drive at 2mph on the freeways, thinking it's safer this way (even though driving ridiculously slow on a main road in poor conditions isn't exactly safe in the first place); or they drive at 100mph and slide into dividers, lamposts, trees, or other cars.

For some reason, people can't just go a reasonable speed.

[Arrian]

How about this one:

You are coming to an intersection, and traffic is heavy. So heavy, in fact, that it is filling the intersection itself. The light is green, but there is nowhere to go.

Do you a) enter the interection, pulling up as far as you can get? or b) wait for the traffic ahead of you to make it through the intersection before advancing?

Without fail, the average moron chooses option A. This, of course, results in gridlock, as the traffic remains backed up into the intersection when the light changes, and the people wishing to cross in the other direction cannot move.

Thankfully, the intersection at which this occurs every evening is no longer on my way home, since I moved recently. I may have eventually snapped and done something silly.

-Arrian

[SpencerH]

Originally posted by Arrian
Spencer,

8. is familiar to me, particularly in urban areas such as Hartford (*shudder*)

9 and 10, however, are beyond my experience. I have never driven down in 'bama, and am rather glad about that.

-Arrian

You havent lived till you've seen a fireball driving toward you in the dark (in that case an oil pan fire). Before I came here I had never seen a car on fire, now its a fairly regular event.

[PLATO]

11.) The yellow light does NOT mean accelerate

[DaShi]

Accelerate with caution.

[Provost Harrison]

You point out that the left hand lane (right hand lane in my case in the UK) is for going fast or overtaking. Actually my friend it is just for overtaking, you should drive on the right (or left in the UKs case)

[Wittlich]

North Carolina:

The Light is GREEN:

"Go, go, go! The light is green!"

The Light turns YELLOW:

"QUICK! go, go, go! The light is about to change!"

The Light turns RED:

"Ok, 5 more cars then that's it!"



Credited to: Jeff Foxworthy

[Japher]

12) Stop signs with white boarders are not optional, no matter how old you are, how hot you are, or who you are talking to on the phone. This also applies to idiots on bicycles!

We call 'em California Stops; if the rotation of your wheels slow to less then 6 revolutions/minute, then it is a stop.

[Arrian]

We have "rolling stops" here in CT too. I even find myself doing it sometimes... only when I'm the only one at the intersection, though.

-Arrian

[Andrew1999]

There is a thin rod extending from the left side of your steering column. By manipulating this rod, you can cause lights to blink on the left or right sides of the car. You may wish to consider using this feature to communicate with other drivers when turning or changing lanes.

[Arrian]

My #1 pet peeve.

-Arrian

[loinburger]

Originally posted by Provost Harrison
You point out that the left hand lane (right hand lane in my case in the UK) is for going fast or overtaking. Actually my friend it is just for overtaking, you should drive on the right (or left in the UKs case)

I'll use it to preemptively overtake people, particularly on two-lane highways where people frequently get on and off, so long as there isn't anybody trying to use it to overtake me. It's a pain in the arse to have to keep switching lanes. This is probably the reason that so many slowpokes are sitting in the left-hand lane -- they don't want to have to switch lanes should they ever encounter somebody going even slower than they are (rare as that may be). I used to flash my lights to signal them to move their asses to the right-hand lane, but that never works, so now I just pass them on the right. **** em.

[Japher]

Yield does not mean stop! It means YIELD!

[Andrew1999]

Originally posted by Arrian


My #1 pet peeve.

-Arrian

Actually, the worst thing is when they signal and then decide not to turn after all. I almost got in a wreck in L.A. because I thought someone meant what he said.

[Arrian]

loin,

I find people who camp out in the left lane extremely irritating too. Flashing one's lights at them either receives no response (they either don't notice or do and don't care) or they get pissed and do their best to annoy you even more.

Going around them, as much as I dislike passing on the right, is often the best solution.

-Arrian

[Arrian]

Andrew,

I no longer have any trust in other people's signals. Too many times I've pondered whether or not to go based on someone's turn signal, decided not to just in case, and been proven right as they proceed NOT to turn they way they've indicated... usually a blue hair who has just left the signal on, and does not hear it/notice it to shut it off.

-Arrian

[Provost Harrison]

I am just teasing ya loin, you have to use your discretion really because on the other hand you don't want to be weaving in and out.

And people who don't use their indicators: It should be habit, they should do it automatically. Why don't they?

[loinburger]

I'll often see people who turn on their signal when they're halfway through a turn or lane-change. Better late than never, I suppose...

[Peacemaker]

Loin,

Your being to kind the the dravers of Ohio. They are not that good.

Here are a couple more subjects.

The berm is not your personal passing lane---- Just because everyone has to sit in this traffic because some dumb ass moron wrecked his car does not give you the right to pass everyone on the berm.

When I flip you off you did something wrong don't blame me for your lack of driving skills.

[Wittlich]

Actually, after living in North Carolina for 5 years (and experiencing the NC driving skills)...and driving to Ohio to visit my parents...I came upon the conclusion that Ohio drivers are much better drivers than North Carolinians.

Since I've been in California (for over 2 years now), my only pet peeve with CA drivers is the lack of use of the turn signal! My God, you would think that having turn signals installed in your auto was an optional item!

[Ramo]

12. Use a bloody turn signal (yes, a bloody one). It's there for a reason. Dumbass.

13. Don't be a blinker idiot. Yes, you can turn it off. It is possible.

14. Don't tail-gate. Highways are not race tracks. Race tracks are not highways.