How do I help people who have lost thier loved ones?

Sirotnikov · March 5, 2003, 18:02

At least 2 of my girl friends each lost a best friend.

One girl from my school lost a best friend, also from my school.

One girl from another school whom I'm also a good friend of, also lost her best friend, a girl from her school.

I want to be a good friend. I want to help. I want to be supportive. I have no idea how, since I'm broken up and shocked myself.

What do I tell them?

Do I force them to deal with their feelings?
Do I pressure them to remember their friends?
Do I urge them to get over it and "life must go on"?
Do I simply hug them and cry?

I didn't know the 2 dead girls enough to somehow comfort my friends. I don't want to appear fake.

What do I do?

Az · March 5, 2003, 18:06

Man, this is so close to home.

I don't know, really.

Arrian · March 5, 2003, 18:09

Just do your best, Siro.

Damn.

-Arrian

Sirotnikov · March 5, 2003, 18:17

Any doctors here?

Provost Harrison · March 5, 2003, 19:16

Be there, there isn't anything else you can do but offer support.

SlowwHand · March 5, 2003, 19:19

http://www.ncptsd.org/facts/disaster...are_brief.html

Bad deal, Sirotnikov.
Try the link. Maybe a more professional answer can be found.

Flubber · March 5, 2003, 20:00

Quote:

Originally posted by Provost Harrison
Be there, there isn't anything else you can do but offer support.

I agree

Hug and cry-- let them know you are there for them and then do nice things and let them interact with you as THEY wish.

No pressure, no force, let them take the lead. Longer term if you think they are not coping well, it might be time to worry about that

ranskaldan · March 5, 2003, 20:13

Hug and cry.

This is turning my stomach. I can't imagine having to live like this... especially in my homeland.

My condolences.

Sprayber · March 5, 2003, 20:32

Quote:

Originally posted by Sirotnikov
At least 2 of my girl friends each lost a best friend.
What do I tell them?

Do I force them to deal with their feelings?
Do I pressure them to remember their friends?
Do I urge them to get over it and "life must go on"?
Do I simply hug them and cry?
What do I do?

All you can do is be there for them. There are no words that you can say that will make them feel better. Just keep an eye out for them and let them know that whenever they wanna talk they can. Don't say life must go on, they will figure that out for themselves. That never helped me when someone said it. Don't force them them to deal with anything. Again that is something that they have to come to do. All in all a good rule is not to force anything, just let them deal with it on their own terms while offering an ear or shoulder when needed. And Siro, it won't happen over night. It will take a long time. Most importantly, never say its going to be alright. Because it will never be alright. No amount of time, no amount of crying and no amount of someone listening will make it alright. You have no power to make it alright, but you can make it a little easier on them by listening and really be there for them.

Sirotnikov · March 6, 2003, 00:47

thanks guys

SlowwHand · March 6, 2003, 00:54

Check the link, Siro. It truly has good information on such as this.

Zero · March 6, 2003, 00:57

hugging and crying sounds good to me

Eli · March 6, 2003, 01:24

SIRO.

Check the other thread.

Ted Striker · March 6, 2003, 02:26

I'm sorry Siro.

Sikander · March 6, 2003, 03:01

Spray's and Flubber's advice is good. I've lost a couple of family members recently, and it's true that grieving is a long process. So acknowledge their loss, and put yourself at their disposal when and if they need something. That will help both them and you. Don't forget that you are part of this too, and remember that the best thing you can do for anyone is to take care of yourself first. Work through your feelings so that you can be sensitive to theirs if they need you to be.

p.s. I'm truly sorry that this happened to your friends Siro.

Sirotnikov · March 6, 2003, 06:53

Now, apparently there are about 6 girls who I'm ackquainted with that lost friends (some of them related to the same victims).

And my gf is now also very depressed. I simply don't know what to do.

On one hand I want to hug and cry. On the other hand I'm used to repressing my feelings, and it somsetimes seems to me as if it was better to leave them alone. Because nothing I can do helps.