PRAVDA: October 1942 Issue

H Tower · March 19, 2003, 22:08

Pravda
June 1941 Issue 1

Field Marshal Klesh Dies in freak Accident.
(RP) The Marshal of the Soviet Union died yesterday in an accident during an inspection of the 173rd Cavalry battalion stationed outside Moscow. While inspecting the equipment of one of the mounted troopers, a mouse frightened the horse and caused it knock over Marshal Klesh and then proceeded to trample him to death before the beast could be brought back under control. Funeral plans are being made, it is expected that Marshal Klesh will be laid to rest in his native Ukraine from which he came.

The newly elected Ministers moved into their offices this week
(RP), and began making inspired changes to their respective ministries. Word coming from the office of the Economic Minister has it that sweeping changes will soon be coming out to adjust the already booming economy and send it to new heights. Meanwhile in the Propaganda Minister’s office, plans are being made to record the glorious achievements of the Rodina.

War in Africa.
(RP) The war in Africa continues to go well for our German neighbors, just last month General Erwin Rommel captured Tobruk and received promotion to the rank of Field Marshal for his service against the British.

(The great automobile factory in Kharkov produces 1500 cars and trucks per shift and works 3 shifts)

Power Void.
(RP) Following the demise of Marshal Klesh, the Marshal position at the top of the Soviet Military remains open. A new Marshal is expected shortly.

Spies and saboteurs are everywhere.
(RP) Upon investigation into the bad crop harvest in and around Minsk. It appears that someone has been salting the soil of the local kolectivs. Investigators from the local office of the Shield of the Party have received tips on the identity of the person who would attempt to starve our workers paradise. If you see suspicious behavior by anyone, contact the police immediately. Do not let the capitalists win!

H Tower · March 19, 2003, 22:22

and the word file that makes it look like an actual newspaper. Anyone know how to do tables in a post? i couldn't figure it out

Six Thousand Year Old Man · March 19, 2003, 22:25

H Tower · March 19, 2003, 22:28

Quote:

Originally posted by Six Thousand Year Old Man

guilty conscious?

Shaka Naldur · March 20, 2003, 14:02

aren't you a little bit radical saying than fmk is dead??

Ben Kenobi · March 20, 2003, 17:58

Post a screenshot of the Word file.

That should get the picture to work properly.

I think that this is what SCG uses to get the excel tables for the Civ2DG

H Tower · March 20, 2003, 19:39

Quote:

Originally posted by obiwan18
Post a screenshot of the Word file.

Dr. Nick · March 20, 2003, 22:13

Demise of Marshal Kleshnikov: Martyrdom in the name of the People

Moskva.- Another hero of the People has been slain by the misfortune of this Great Patriotic War that has fallen upon the heads of the glorious proletariat. In his eternal struggle against the fascist swine and capitalist whores, a hero of the people fell, slain. The death of our most heroic Marshal brings the great Soviet Union to its knees to mourn its greatest man, one of the builders of this Paradise of the Proletariat, where all workers could make something out of their life, but even in this darkest hour, the death of our glorious Marshal of the People can only strengthen the iron will of the People and temper it so that it will become stiffer than steal, unbreakable even in the darkest hour.

Even at this time, the will of the proletariat that has joined us in this crusade versus those who seek the destruction of Communism, is being bent by the advancing enemy. Our men are dieing in the name of the People. Our wives, raped by the fascist rats, our children slain in the streets at the hand of the imperialist aggressor who seeks to destroy the people who rose against the Tsar and their children. With the fall of the greatest leader that our men at arms could expect for leadership, a most loyal, loving and fatherly servant of the people has fallen under the cold grip of death. But let his death not be a cause for mourning! Our great Marshal wanted Russia to be on its feet, to meet the aggressor with our full strength, that the Iron Will of the Poeple never be bent! Arise ye workers from your mourning! For we must in this day avenge the death of our Marshal, brought upon prematurely by the fascist threat that seeks to destroy everything that us, the People, have built in our Rodina! May our glorious Marshal go to the pantheon of the great Russian heroes!

H Tower · March 20, 2003, 23:33

PRAVDA, now issue 2!

Shaka Naldur · March 21, 2003, 07:31

great job H Tower

Ben Kenobi · March 21, 2003, 17:23

"Extremely fast connection to chairman ming."

Good job, HTower.

The ANZAC · March 21, 2003, 20:37

Looks good.

Hopefully it won't all be propaganda--I mean capitalist subversion--I...

curtsibling · March 23, 2003, 11:47

I mourn for our great marshal!

I blame western influence, and propose all horses be demoted!

So when do we begin shooting at the fascist/capitalist horde?

Colwyn · March 24, 2003, 16:15

Remember comrade stalins words, we will not fire the first shot and all front line commanders are prohibited from provoking the german troops in anyway.

If we are attacked we will smite the facism horde, be ready comrade as we are getting reports that the facists plan an attack soon but this could be misleading info trying to provoke us.

Meanwhile our glorious leaders are deciding on a new marshall and the formation of Stavka (see marshall thread)

Colwyn · March 24, 2003, 16:28

Can't read it, well drink 6 glass's of vodka and your vision will blur enough for the words to be legiable.

Secret code didn't you know!

Iron Chancellor · March 26, 2003, 20:18

I think there is a cover-up in action, perpetrated by those counter-revolutionaries and reactionaries.

Thus, I say, PURGE!

curtsibling · April 5, 2003, 18:36

KURT SIBLINGOV PROVIDES TODAY'S FACTORY HUMOUR

To raise war-time spirits, we in the Industrial and armament departments have gathered all
the most cheerful jokes that our brave workers are telling in their 1 minute daily lunch-break!

All troops are permitted one laugh per joke.

Two army rules:
#1.The commanding officer is always right.
#2.If the commanding officer is not right, see #1.

A soldier is being led to the place of his execution.
-Some bad weather we`re having,-he says to his convoy.
-Look who`s complaining, they say, we have to go back.

An ensign is walking along the street, wearing different colored shoes - one's black, and the other one's brown. A major stops him and says:
-Ensign! Go home and change your shoes.
-I can't, major, says ensign, the ones I've got at home are just like the ones I'm wearing.

A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room.
- Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant.
- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant:
- I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening.
The sergeant examines the mug and says:
- You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

- Sergeant, what should I do if my parachute won't open?
- Bring it back and I'll replace it.

Comrades, more worker wisecracks will follow soon!

Note to all citizens: Failure to laugh will be investigated by the NKVD.

The ANZAC · April 5, 2003, 20:00

haha! oh...I meant...ha!...errr....oh no, please forgive me

Dr. Nick · April 5, 2003, 21:51

curtsibling · April 6, 2003, 03:02

Comrade El Awrence,

A fine issue of Pravda...All workers should make sure they have a copy!

Shaka Naldur · April 6, 2003, 10:46

I've found the jokes funny

curtsibling · April 6, 2003, 16:17

Keep laughing, comrade...Keep laughing!

Dr. Nick · April 14, 2003, 17:52

Luftwaffe Bombs Information Ministry, Pravda Suspended

Moscow.- Hundreds of fascist planes dropped a thousand bombs yesterday on the information ministry inside the Kremlin. Propaganda Minister Awrensky was seen crawling out of the rubble shouting, disconsolately "My motherboard! My precious motherboard! The people will be avenged!" and was rushed to hospital. Reports say that the information machinery of the Soviet Union is still being comprised, but that a new motherboard must be ordered from our capitalist allies, which, despite the speedy recovery of our Comissar of Information and Propaganda, will delay the return of Pravda. As such, Pravda has been suspended until the a new one can be brought from England via Murmansk. Hopefully the motherboard will be safe from prowling fascist submarines and shall reach the Kremlin so that that People may once again be informed.

NOTE: My motherboard died a sudden death last Friday. I am trying to get a new one, but I need to scrape the bottom of the piggy bank. I hope to be back before the end of the week.

Colwyn · April 14, 2003, 19:35

- Heard the latest about Hitler,

Apparently he lost a testical when he was young getting a head with a goat.

his new body doubles are not amused.

- A russian soldier who refused to surrender is finally captured when concused by a grenade blast. His german interigators want to know why the russians are fighting so hard for stalin who they exclaim is a tyrant.

The russian calmly replies that given a choice b/w serving stalin or hitler he would prefer to serve the dictator that at least spoke russian.

Colwyn · May 3, 2003, 18:01

The troops are clammering for official news!

conmcb25 · May 3, 2003, 19:40

Quote:

Originally posted by Colwyn
The troops are clammering for official news!

Yes we are I miss the good old days when we could read high quality propoganda all the time!

Dr. Nick · May 4, 2003, 08:56

Pravda is working ever so hard to meet the demands of the workers.

More Pravda will print tonight! All hail the power of the proletariat!

Dr. Nick · May 4, 2003, 08:59

BTW, call me Comrade Alsahafsky.

conmcb25 · May 6, 2003, 20:18

I wonder if Comrade Alsahafsky could do Pravda from the Gulag?

After all we were promised a report from the Front 2 DAYS AGO!

Comrade Alsahafsky

Dr. Nick · May 6, 2003, 21:02

Forgive me, Comrade Marshall, for I have dispatched all those reporters from Pravda to fight for the Rodina and I have remained alone to run the paper of the Party! News is forthcoming, from all fronts!