Moral dilemma

Alinestra Covelia · April 9, 2003, 02:02

Here's the situation.

My housemate HMB recently lost his girlfriend Pat to cancer. Pat lived in Thailand.

Pat's funeral will take place in Bangkok late this month.

HMB feels compelled to go and attend her funeral. He has been asked by Pat's family and employer to be there. (Given that Pat's employer was the Thai government, this is not something you can politely turn down.)

However, with the rise of SARS atypical pneumonia, a new complication has arisen. HMB may be quarantined if he comes in on a flight with a SARS sufferer. If this happens, he will not be able to make it to the funeral and will instead be shut up in some quarantine. This means he will also miss his return flight (he plans to stay in Bangkok for three days only).

Add to this the fact that HMB is also studying at university, and most of his exams are in mid May. Even as things stand, he'll miss out a week's worth of lessons at the end of April. If he gets quarantined, then he'll stand to miss his end of term exams too. Plus he's supposed to be teaching undergraduates.

HMB's parents don't want him to go to Bangkok because they think it's too risky. However, they can't tell him this (two years ago, they refused to let him go see Pat when she was still alive - I think in some perverse way, HMB thinks the more difficult it is to get out there now, the more noble he is by doing so).

I think he should just not go. His life will be disrupted enough as it is, and there is a possibility that he will not even be able to attend the funeral (which is the primary reason for his going there). If he gets quarantined, there will be considerable disruption to his travels (he'll need new tickets home) and to his course, and to the course of the students in his care.

Balancing all this is the fact that she was his girlfriend and he evidently loves her very much.

What do you think he should do?

(He's got the tickets and everything already booked but I'm hoping by posting this, I can get some persuasive arguments to make him stay.)

DRoseDARs · April 9, 2003, 02:08

Would his girlfriend want him to derail his life for God-knows-how-many months, risking exposure to a nasty new(?) disease at the same time, just to go to her funeral? He can always go to the gravesite by other means at other times (like when it's safe to do so...).

Pekka · April 9, 2003, 02:09

There are risks, however getting SARS is not very big.. those other things might happen though. If I was him, I'd go. Sorry

.

Sten Sture · April 9, 2003, 02:11

Where is his flight connecting through?

Bangkok is low risk for SARS, and the possibility of quarantine seems pretty remote. Even still, I'd go even if the risk of quarantine was high. The WHO, and to a less reliable extent, the airlines, should be able to give decent guidance about the potential for quarantine.

Urban Ranger · April 9, 2003, 02:12

What are the chances of getting SARS on a flight to Bangkok? I imagine it's easier to get hit by a car.

DRoseDARs · April 9, 2003, 02:12

Further, it doesn't matter what his parents want, what the girl's parents want, or what the Thai government wants...what matter's is what the girl wanted. Short of a witness who can say for certain she stated her desire that your friend to be there, only your friend can answer that question in her absence...

Alinestra Covelia · April 9, 2003, 02:13

That's okay Pekka. I just want your honest opinions here. Part of me understands why he wants to go - I knew Pat very well too and in happier conditions I'd say HMB should definitely go.

But I'm really worried for HMB too. I know I can't feel what he's feeling but I don't want him to get hurt.

Pekka · April 9, 2003, 02:17

Sure.. he has good reasons not to go. So I wouldn't blame him if he decided to skip it. But if he really feels he needs to go.. as much as I hate going to funerals, I personally feel it's very important if it's someone close. Even with good reasons not to go, I'd feel bad afterwards not going.. it must be a tough one to decide. To me it would be too important to miss the last tribute.

But then again, if I was the one who passed.. I wouldn't want someone to go that much trouble and risk to come if I knew that the someone loved me very much.

Az · April 9, 2003, 02:17

hmm, not an easy one.

I would probably go, but I am really not aware of the scope this thing has in asia, so I cannot judge.

Urban Ranger · April 9, 2003, 02:18

Quote:

Originally posted by Alinestra Covelia
But I'm really worried for HMB too. I know I can't feel what he's feeling but I don't want him to get hurt.

Look, we aren't all dead, or at least disabled, here - and here is pretty much the epicentre. SARS is not very contagious, and it is not very deadly. People get too panicky for the slightest of things.

Alinestra Covelia · April 9, 2003, 02:20

I think HMB is going via Tokyo. He definitely said HK was not in his itinerary.

Rogan Josh · April 9, 2003, 03:19

He should go. If he doesn't go, he will regret it for the rest of his life. A similar thing happened to me, and I didn't go to the funeral - I have always regreted it and felt guilty about it.

curtsibling · April 9, 2003, 03:51

He should go.

The chances of getting the SARS is slim.

There is too much media hysteria.

Q Classic · April 9, 2003, 15:32

i'd go. i'd tell him to go.

he'd better. it's the only right thing to do, if he loved her.

tell him not to forget to bring flowers.

orange · April 9, 2003, 16:18

you only live once. I say go.

Nubclear · April 9, 2003, 16:26

Quote:

Originally posted by orange
you only live once.

Exactly.

I think his GF would be much happier knowing hes safe than that he came to her funeral and got SARS.

Don't go. Maybe you can help him have his own funeral here at home?

orange · April 9, 2003, 16:32

gotta die sometime...

why live life being afraid of every little risk? Would make for a pretty boring life, wouldn't you say?

I think the memory of being able to see her one last time before she is laid to rest would outweigh any potential risks. Then again, I'm a pretty sentimental person.

Alinestra Covelia · April 9, 2003, 18:05

Well I suggested to him last night that he shouldn't go and he said that if he didn't, he would hate himself, and me, every time he thought about this.

I suppose the question is no longer in my hands. He's gotten everything ready, including a box of rubber disposable gloves, two boxes of disposable face masks, and a bottle of peroxide for sanitization purposes.

I hope he makes it okay.

GePap · April 9, 2003, 18:11

He should take the chance. That is really all he can do.

Zero · April 9, 2003, 21:24

SARS wouldnt affect my decisions but academics might. If I cant get some kind of excuse fromt he university (get an incomplete and finsih the semester later or work out somethign like that) I wouldnt go. I'd be willing to visit the grave many times, but I wouldnt want to mess other things in my life around while I know that I loved the person.

I guess I'm just not setimental like orange is.

Lincoln · April 9, 2003, 21:42

He should go. He might get struck by lightning if he stays. People should not be ruled by fear. There will only be one funeral for the young lady. Pay her and the kind people of Thailand your respects by encouraging him to go with your blesssings.

Sheik · April 9, 2003, 22:03

Go to Bangkok. The chance of getting SARS is just about nil. Besides, it is important to be there.

Urban Ranger · April 9, 2003, 23:04

Quote:

Originally posted by Tassadar5000
I think his GF would be much happier knowing hes safe than that he came to her funeral and got SARS.

When you go down the street next time, you might be hit by a car. Does that mean you sit in your house all day?

Alinestra Covelia · April 10, 2003, 10:32

The University has told him that it will be lenient with his grades if they are affected by his trip. He's able to stay the summer anyway, so he can make them up then.

Well, if nothing else, this thread has made me feel better about his going. He's only going to be there for three days.

The Consulate also told him that it's unlikely he'll be quarantined anyway.