How being a parent changes you...

[JohnT]

Yeah, this is yet another in one of my "JohnT gives life advice to those who didn't ask for it" threads. Usually they tend towards investments and other such (more or less) objective assundries, but this time I'm going to tell you what people who say

"Having a child will change your life FOREVER"

and then grin mysteriously w/o going any further, mean. (Pre-birth, nothing pissed me off more than this, btw, so I'm performing a valuable service here.)

Note that this depends upon the child - baby Sophia is a perfectly healthy, happy little girl. Otoh, if you have an infant who is undergoing health issues, the lessons you'll learn will be amended a bit.

For starters, you WILL become more conservative in word and deed. By "conservative" I don't mean that you'll change your political affiliation or beliefs, but that you will suddenly start to measure, to weigh your actions/words and how they affect the baby. You'll catch yourself before letting out that extra-loud "GAWDDAMMIT!!!" You'll change the channel from the sex-soaked bikini babes on MTV to something more boring, more adult - like the Weather Channel. Hell, you might actually start going to Church because, well, who else is going to teach your kid about one of the foundations of Western Civilization?

The most important lesson you can learn is a corollary (sp?) of this: Remember that your child is always watching you. Anything and everything she sees will be considered "normal." Beat your wife? Your kid will grow up thinking that it's "normal" for Daddy to hit Mommy - maybe not "right", but "normal." Come home stinkin' drunk every Friday night? Your five year old will think that EVERY dad gets drunk on Friday night. Hug your wife, and tell her that you love her 10 times a day? Ditto.

Of course, once the kids hit school and start to seriously socialize, they will realize that this isn't the case, that not every family is like their own. So why be the one to set the bad example?

You'll also realize that all the things you promised yourself to do as a parent... well, most of them you won't do. I remember thinking that MY kid wasn't going to waste their time watching stupid kid shows like Barney and Sesame Street, that Daddy would read to them every evening - and not kids books, no, MY kid is going to be raised on the classics, and that modern, post-1955 music will be verboten - nothing but Bach and Mozart for MY child - it'll make 'em SMART! YEAH!!

One word:

It ain't gonna happen - having a child is stressful enough w/o undergoing a total personality change as well. You'll realize that "stupid kid shows" are anything but, that reading Shakespeare to a 6 month old is just damn silly, and that your toddler will oh-so-adoringly dance to pop tunes more readily than she will the Brandenburgs. You'll also realize that not having modern culture in your house is just as wrong as having none of the classics.

Another thing, is that you will mysteriously turn into your parents. Not totally, not completely, but you'll say something and realize - "My God, I just sounded like Mother - and I swore that I would never do that." The punishments that you remember hating you'll start using because you will realize that their effectiveness is what made them stick in your mind for 20+ years after the fact.

You will love your child. Wait, let me correct myself: You will fall in love with your child. If you think that post-birth you will still be #1 in your spouses eyes - no way, uh-uh, is NOT gonna happen. This is true for both men and women, and if you realize this beforehand it makes the adjustment to being second-fiddle that much easier.

Kids take time, as well they should. The greatest gift you can give your child is your time, your attention, and, if you are a dedicated parent, your days of coming home and sitting at the computer, ignoring the world, is behind you. And you'll be glad!

Children are a lot of work, but damn, they are a lot of FUN as well! Spend as much time with them as possible - these are special times and every second should be cherished because, well, neither of you can get these moments back.

I'm sure the other Apolytoner parents can chime in with their lessons learned. Or not... it is my experience that these threads tend to deteriorate into a morass of "I'm not going to be that way - I'm gonna be different!" responses.

[Elok]

I agree with most of that, except for the part about barney. Sesame street is quality edutainment. Barney is little better than the Teletubbies or the Wiggles. That's why my two-year-old niece watches good muppets videos, Blue's Clues, etc. instead. Oh, and she dances to everything, but we've tried to direct her towards good taste. She likes CCR and the Beatles. She'll dance to liturgical music too. Yeah, baby!

[JohnT]

Barney sings happy songs and teaches lessons about how to play nice and share. What's so wrong with that for an 8-month old?

[JohnT]

But I will allow how the blatantly Leftist retelling of favorite fairy tales works against Barney's behalf.

[SlowwHand]

Barney was created in Plano, Texas.
About 3 miles north up the road from me.

Having children definitely can make one more conservative.
I think that's when I became a Death Penalty advocate.

[Ming]

People used to always say... "when you get married, life as you know it ends"...

While very true One should really say, "when you become a parent, life as you know it REALLY ENDS.

There is really no way to describe it. You have to experience it for yourself to truely understand.

[gunkulator]

Agree with most everything said here. As a parent, one other thing I find myself being, that I never thought I would be, is flexible. Sound strange? Well, I'll tell you what I mean. I can generally tell parents from non-parents both online and in the real world by how they discuss children and child rearing. Non-parents tend to speak in absolutes: "I would never let my child..." or "I will always ...". Parents otoh know that every child is different and there just simply are no absolute laws, other than avoiding obvious abusive or dangerous behaviors.

On almost every issue: thumb sucking, Santa Claus, potty training, pacifier, sleeping in the parents bed, eating vegetables, (*ducks head in shame*) bribery - you'll find that there seldom is a one-size-fits all rule.

And yeah, my kids loved Barney. Thankfully they're all too old for that now.

[chequita guevara]

I think this is why I keep putting off adopting . . . that and not having steady work.

[Elok]

Life experience teaches children how to play nice and share. Barney teaches no actual information and he gives me the creeps. Almost, but not quite as much, as the Wiggles. Adult TV is stupidity-inducing enough. I don't need my niece getting hooked on crap programming while she's young. Like that overgrown, nauseating purple vermin. I know I sound like an intellectual elitist, but really it's just a desire not to have my next of kin grow up pre-stupefied.

[JohnT]

Of course, you sound just like me 10 years ago. That was nice, how you purposely insulted Gunkelator's and my children. Wanna come here and say that?

Using Gunks reasoning, can I put you down as "not a parent"?

[JohnT]

Originally posted by Ming
People used to always say... "when you get married, life as you know it ends"...

While very true One should really say, "when you become a parent, life as you know it REALLY ENDS.

There is really no way to describe it. You have to experience it for yourself to truely understand.

Actually, I thought it was

"When you get married, sex as you know it ends."

"When you have kids, life as you know it ends."

[Elok]

Originally posted by JohnT

Of course, you sound just like me 10 years ago. That was nice, how you purposely insulted Gunkelator's and my children. Wanna come here and say that?
Using Gunks reasoning, can I put you down as "not a parent"?

Not a parent, just an uncle of four, and active babysitter. Hey, I'm only nineteen...
I'm not saying your kids are stupid, I'm just saying that Barney probably did not profit their intelligence. Kinda like the way cigarettes won't necessarily give you cancer but I can say for sure they won't do anything good for you. There's a difference between good kids' programming and telespam jr. That's all I'm saying.

[SlowwHand]

You know, a child has more to do than STRICTLY educational things, Unc.
Jeez. Give them a break!
They have plenty of time to turn into fossils.

[C0ckney]

"all work and no play makes jack a dull boy"

very true

[Lincoln]

Very good post JohnT. I think you are a good dad. Too bad that so many now days do not really care what influence their actions and habits have on their kids. I had several foster sons and my life changed dramatically. The kids are always watching...

[JohnT]

Originally posted by Elok


Not a parent

Obviously. But being a part-time babysitter has just FILLED you with wisdom, eh? Can you just imagine my eyes rolling, or do I have to draw you a smilie?

I'm not saying your kids are stupid

Then explain what you meant by the following:

"but really it's just a desire not to have my next of kin grow up pre-stupefied."

I'm just saying that Barney probably did not profit their intelligence.

And you come by this information how? Oh, wait:

"Barney teaches no actual information and he gives me the creeps."

So, you don't like Barney because he "gives you the creeps". Ergo, he's "stupid" and kids who watch him become "stupified."

And how is this not insulting my little girl????

Another thing about being a parent: it makes you very protective. I'm in the process of (potentially) suing my very own parents for something they did to her (and us) - taking you on in a message board is a piece of cake.

[Q Classic]

i will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER turn into one of those damned asian parents to my offspring.

[Kramerman]

good post JohnT
Post a family pic of your daughter and wife, damnit! I wanna see a happy American family

[JohnT]

To Q Cubed: Meaning?

[Kramerman]

i am always telling myself when i get married the sex wont end there... i dont see why it does... am i just naive?

[JohnT]

It doesn't... it just stops being a priority because, well, it's always there if you want it.

I'll scan a few pics and throw them up later. But here's one now (an older one, when Sophia was about 10 months old).

[Q Classic]

johnt:
as in, i'll give my kids some breathing space. even if it means calling them every other day at college instead of every day. even if it means letting them pick their own goddamn major. even if it means letting them do little league instead of practicing the goddamn fvcking piano, because they want to do little league.

in essence, not a first-gen asian parent, with the kids under a dictatorial boot and no room to breathe.

that said, i don't know if i'd've wanted to be raised another way. but don't tell mom that.

===

sophia looks so precious. you're lucky to be blessed with a gift like caring for a child.

[SlowwHand]

Takes after her mama.

[Asher]

Originally posted by Q Cubed
i will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER turn into one of those damned asian parents to my offspring.

My uni's paper had an opinion column on that very thing this week: http://136.159.250.102/viewstory.php?sid=9421

Living under tyranny

2003-04-10

by Anna Chan

A "modern-day Nazi regime" is the only way I can describe it. You may think it's harsh to refer to it in such a manner, extreme even, but if it was your everyday life, you could only agree. Some of you can relate to my difficulties, my trials, and few triumphs: those with Chinese parents.

At the root there appears to be only one explanation, a sinister foundation of irrationality. Short of experiencing it for yourself, there is no sufficient explanation to allow for complete understanding. So allow me to provide you with a few examples.

Parents are parents. They'll worry and be cautious, especially when it comes to your well being. But what is it called when curfews are set for five in the evening? How about when it comes to school work? Anything, with the exception of 100 per cent and above, is unacceptable. Receiving a 95 per cent on an exam would receive a hearty "What happened to the other five percent?" Once in university, the only path is Engineering, Business, or Computer Science. Anything else, especially anything remotely artistic, will short list you for the outcast role among family members.

Chinese parents constantly phone you at the drop of a hat to know the most menial of things, like whether you've eaten, when you'll be home, how you're getting home, and are you on your way home yet. The most baffling of all is that even if you purposely forget to leave a number where you can be contacted, they still manage to find you.

Have you ever been sitting with friends in a restaurant only to have your mother call you on your friend's cell phone telling you not to stay out too late? No? Well, I have.

Even worse--yes, it gets worse--is the issue of driving. I am a 20 year-old female who has only recently acquired her driver's license. I know, this doesn't look too good for me, but you can't honestly think I waited this long by choice. After I completed the driving course, I constantly brought up the fact that I was ready to take the road test. At this point, my dad would shut me down without a thought. I completed the in-class component, as well as the written part, however, I neglected to take my dad's in-car classes.

Driving is never easy for Chinese children who have Chinese parents. Not only do you have to be deemed ready to drive by the government, but also by a superior power, the Chinese parent. Though I am licensed, I am restricted. I have a friend who is only permitted to drive a certain radius around her house, and I consider her fortunate. Initially I was unable to drive on any road that requires me to change lanes, so essentially I was stuck in my neighbourhood. Fortunately for me, the car does not know this.

Fear not fellow suppressed children of the Chinese, our day will come. Rebel, take an art class, heck, get an English degree. Lie, stay out, and don't come home until the next day. Soon we'll be able to move out and be free of the regime. Until then, I can be seen driving around in circles in the South West. If you see me, please wave. I'd appreciate it.

[JohnT]

Here's a more recent one. Isn't she beautiful? Today she told me, for the first time "I love you". Actually, she said "I wu you", but close enough!

[Ming]

Originally posted by Kramerman
i am always telling myself when i get married the sex wont end there... i dont see why it does... am i just naive?

To answer your question... yes.

No... it doesn't "end"... but it won't be the same, or as often as before you were married

[Kramerman]

Originally posted by JohnT
Here's a more recent one. Isn't she beautiful? Today she told me, for the first time "I love you". Actually, she said "I wu you", but close enough!

awww...

[monolith94]

johnt - you do realize she's wearing mismatched shoes in that picture, right?

"Hug your wife, and tell her that you love her 10 times a day? Ditto."

Doesn't sound bad to me.

[Skanky Burns]

The shoes aren't mismatched. One is covered by her dress slightly, the other is below the bottom of the picture. Look again.

[Kramerman]

No... it doesn't "end"... but it won't be the same, or as often as before you were married

why? the Q isnt just for you ming, anyone is free to answer.