Bad jokes thread

[August Borms]

Q: Who invented the triathlon?

A: The Moroccans: they run to the swimming pool and return home on bicycle.

[dannubis]

yep, you're from belgium alright

[Thirgaral]

Who made this anyway??

Men vs Women

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a b--ch.

Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

[monolith94]

What did the snake do when he wanted to get ahead in life?
He writhed to power.

[Boris Godunov]

A guy is eating lunch in a fancy restaurant, and notices his waiter has a spoon sticking up out of his shirt pocket. A quick glance around the room, and sure enough, every waiter has a spoon in his pocket.

So when the waiter comes to take his order, the man inquires as to what the deal with the spoons was.

"We had a consultant come in a few weeks ago," explains the young man, "and he discovered the most commonly-dropped utensil was a spoon, and we wasted far too much time bending over, getting the spoons, taking them to the kitchen, getting a new spoon, bringing them back, etc. So now we all keep a spare spoon on us, and whenever a customer drops one, I can just hand him the spoon from my pocket, and get a new one to replace it when I'm back in the kitchen anyway."

The man thinks that's a pretty clever idea, but then notices, much to his embarassment, that the waiter has a white string dangling from the zipper in his trousers. After pointing this out, the waiter explains:

"Oh no, sir...that's the consultant again. Look around." Sure enough, every waiter had a white string dangling from his trousers.

"You see," says the waiter, "the consultant felt we wasted far too much time washing our hands in the bathroom. So instead, we go in, pull it out with the string and do our business, so we never have to actually touch it.

"Ah!" says the man, "that is indeed a time-saver!" He then pauses and thinks for a second. "Wait a minute...I can see how that would work to get it out, but, um, how do you get it back in without touching it?"

"That's tricky," says the waiter, "but personally, I found it's easiest to use a spoon."




*rimshot*

[mrmitchell]

Want to hear a dirty joke?

Spoiler:

Billy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

Spoiler:

Billy took a bath with bubbles.

I'm sure someone can come up with the last part of this joke (hint: it's dirty), so I'll let you guess it.