We present you this 6.0 beta issue of Digital Data Download with new editor: Obstructor-Omicron-Nine
New editor!
Obstructor-Omicron-Nine has been named editor of Digital Data Download, after a breach in space-time continuum managed to get 3D issue 4.2 published after issue 5.0. Some cyborgs consider this controversial since Obstructor is rumored to be
zealot disciple of Tass. This is believde to be a direct effect of the unsuccessful antispam operation against Tassgod in which Obstructor was brainwashed by Tass after praying to him for hours in his spamthread. There are also rumours that he used to work in CyCon`s top intelligence facility codenamed Section 31. These are words of the new director “I was democratically elected and all rumours are false, spread by infidels and enemies of CyCon. I am a honest cyborg who is accidentally has Advanced Intelligence Features upgrade
and lust for organics blood ”.
Editor will answer all sensible questions asked by 3D readers.
Mulder-Zeta-Five and Scully-Gamma-Two have also been dispatched to investigate the nature of space-time continuum breach.
Pirates and Cyborgs: can we get along?
We have spoken to Obstructor-Omicron-Nine, prominent social scientist in CyCon and our current editor This interview was done before he was reassigned to 3D Offices. In it he has spoken to us upon the difficulties he encountered during his research of recently liberated bases. Reporter was Geo-Beta-Two, also known as Geo-Modder.
“Their culture is so different. This can be seen best in their language. Their frequent use of words and frases like “Arrrrgh!”, “Shiver me timbers!”, “Scurvy old dog!” and “Matey!” is a well known fact, but have you for instance known that simple “Arrrrgh” has more than 1256 meanings in their language? Likewise “Matey” has only 341 additional meanings. – But I thought all Chironias speak the same language – old Earth english? – That is correct, but each faction developed its own instance. We all know that there is no word “freedom”, "non spam" or “prosperity” in Hive language. But the Pirate situation is a bit extreme – it is best to demonstrate it. “Arrrgh arrr gargggh matey arrrgh argg” means “You are standing on my prostetic leg”, but “Arrrgh arrr gargggh matey arrrgh argg” means “Bantu elephants are dancing macarena”. But if you accent it “Arrrgh arrr gargggh matey arrrgh argg” then you just said “I slept with your mother” while midly accented “Arrrgh arrr gargggh matey arrrgh argg” actually means “Drunken pink little elephants with tiny Aztec umbrellas are walking down my spine”. A lot of words also do not exist in their colloquial language – “sober”, “honesty”, “logic”,“vitamine C”, “cunning”, “non-alcohol”, “shave”, “celibate”, “apstinence”, “razor” and others. Interesting fact is that Pirates do not have word for sea-sickness but for land-sickness. Infact - the literal translation of word for land is “strange arrrgh deck arrrg that aarrrgh does not roll arrghhh gonna matey puke scurvy”. But we have done magnificient work on overcoming language barriers. 99.6879 percent of the Pirates are already speaking standard or CyCon standard english. 0.3121 percent of them still continues to speak "Arrrgh arrr gargggh matey arrrgh argg" ("I`ll cut you to pieces ya dirty cyborg").
Their physical condition is another thing. 99.9999 percent of males have beards. 99.9999 percent of women also have beards.
An rare Pirate woman who doesn`t have beard
Even their infants are born with beards. At first we thought that they hide women. Several function
attempted suicide through uninstall went into standby mode when they realised the truth. After our first successful base captures we have realised that their culture was largely unknown – even when we were in state of Pact of Brotherhood much of this remained hidden to us, as to other factions.
99.876 percent of Pirates has scurvy – but feeding them with vitamine C has caused severe complications and resulted in few unfortunate deaths. Living whole lives without vitamine C has caused Pirate bodies to consider it toxic – we are still puzzled with this since this was thought to be imposssible. Pirates have also developed a strange affinity for alchohol – their supposed drunken state is in fact, as strange as it seems, “sober” state. You DO NOT want to see them after they haven`t drink xenorum for two days. I would rather spend a week with mindworms then a minute with Pirate who isn`t drunk. But progress has been made already. Our eugenics.exe function has already created a solution to that problem by inserting nanoimplants that alter certain pathaways in brain, increase neurotransmiter levels and
nervestaple poor victims eliminate certain harmful areas of brain.
There are some positive trends as well. Younger Pirates are enthusiastic about cybernetic implants, while Older Pirates prefer wooden ones, but we believe this will change. It is a well known fact that at the age of thirteen Pirates poke one of their eyes so thay can put a glass one. At the age of 17 they cut of their left hand (right if they are left handed) so they can put hooks. At the age of 21 they cut off one of their legs to put a wooden leg. Only 1.2406 percent of Pirates actually needed prostetics while a member of PEACE. Their affinity for self-mutilation works for us – they will easily agree to accept our superior cybernetic implants. In total, they are not too bad indeed. I am proud whenever one is declared Cyborg.
WARNING! VIRUS ALERT! WARNING!
A dangerous virus is ravaging across CyCon and the rest of the Chiron it is called tass.exe. Unfortunate cyborgs who download it into their cybrains havce strong hallucinations, often sharing the visions of Tass, self proclaimed god of Chiron. Number of infected ones has reached a whooping 43.456 percent, resulting in establishing Tass church and naming one of the recently liberated Pirate bases Thermal Tassgrad. There are rumours of such bases in other factions. Unaffected functions work together to create antivirus program to fight this menace. Chironwide reports seem to indicate that large number of organics have already been infected. Several noted scientists have suggested that virus has also an inferior, organic version. CyCon government has refused to give any comment ont his matter, quoting “we are going to church for our daily worship of Tass”. Uninfected functions are advised to be careful in downloading things. Unofficially we learn that our new editor was assigned by Section 31 to destroy Tass by conducting a spam strike, but he has obviously failed. However, several scientists have proposed a radical plan that includes coordinated spam strike at Tassadar, at his faction temples, hoping his ego will inflate until it bursts.
Entertainment section:
In this issue of Digital Data Download we bring you jokes from rising and talented joketeller.exe algorithm. He won on last humour contest by a majority of votes. The leading Chiron comedian told us his impressions about him: “I think he totally OWNED the judges”:
“Two Pirates walk into bar. You would thought the second one would duck.”
“Three Pirates are on the tree. The first one jumps down because they are losing war with CyCon. The second one falls because he died there from wounds received in battle with CyCon. The third one jumps because he thinks suicides are in.
Why did the Hive drone die? He was sitting under the tree and three Pirates fell at him.”
“There are 10 kinds of people on Chiron. Those who are cyborgs and those who don`t understand binar.”
“Why did the Pirate cross the road? To escape CyCon forces.”
“Why did the CyCon cross the road? To assimilate the Pirate.”
“Why did Enigma_nova cross the road? To make jokes upon Pirates.”
“Why did the Hive cross the road? They are seeking new spamthreads.”
Disclaimer about recent disturbing rumours
Official anouncement by the editor: there is no thought control in CyCon. Cybernetic Consciousness is a
group of oppressed fools ruled by superior functions free democratic society where everyone`s opinion is
unwanted respected. Everyone`s vote counts nad there are polls for every important matter. Rumours spread by organics are
truthfull false, created to cause dismay and refrain potential new members of Consciousness. Live on with your life, forget the rumours and remember to download brainwash.exe every day.
Incident in Thermocline Tavern caused by MWIA
MrWhereItsAt, a prominent function in CyCon has been hospitalised after incident in Thermocline Tavern. While drinking in Tavern his body went into automatic shutdown because he didn`t recharge his enhancements regulary. We have audio recording: “Oh pants! My stupid internal timer didn't go off. Y'see it's supposed to tell me when my body needs to re- Damn! It went into auto-shutdown! At least I can still move my head around.... .....must...drink....somehow.....”. Fortunately current external affairs function Drogue-Beta-8 was there. He used his good grey extension cord to recharg MWIA. It seems now that in the process Drogue accessed Scot port 125.234 which has trigerred drunken Scot program, a sageguard included to keep Cyborgs away from alchoholism. Unfortunately, program has malfuctioned, due to illegal tampering. As the audio recording says: “Argh! What have ye done Drogue? Ye've activated mah drunken Scot program! Someone help ma! Ah'll have ye, if I could reach ya.. Ah'll be back ye Sassenachs! Furge-thangering mutchwitcheling... Ah'll be back! Ye havena heard the last of MWIA”. After lurching out of Tavern , MWIA hasn`t been seen until a number of function witnessed another incident in Apolyton Prime Cube Garden. There MWIA was seen attempting to assimilate haggis. Details how MWIA aquired haggis are currently unknown. He fled the scene before authorities arrived. Two days later he was seen in Zetaris wearing a kilt and selling haggis to interested subroutines. He was finally hospitalised today in Apolyton Prime`s central hospital. According to doctors his recovery is progressing quickly and he has recently spoken to authorities about the incident. Member of CyCon police said that they are not sure if they are going to press charges against MWIA for having illegally modified drunken scot program. There are indications that Pirate agents reprogramed this program during his regeneration. We will report about progress in MWIAs case. Also, Section 31 has interrogated Skanky after publically expressing wish to join to Hive. He was released after
he agreed to spy Hive for CyCon being warned for accidentally expressing possible wish to defect.
CyCon TV program
Today on CyCon TV: a spy movie "All my circuits". Agent James Beta must stop Pirate general Shiverm Eetimbers from breeding an army of xenobananas to conquer Chiron. Staring: Impaler as James Beta, Sharon Six, Mega Ryan and Delta Richards. Director: spielberg.exe.
Tommorow on CyCon TV: a drama 1 0. A young zero wants to become one with all the ones but zeros show zero tollerance towards it. Staring: zero, one, zero, zero, zero, one, one and zero. Director: jackson.exe.
Soon on CyCon TV: pornographic film! Yes! We want to get rid of growth penalty so we are going to bombard CyCon functions with explicit footages of male-female interlinks!
Next week: Starring Claire Forlani and Jamski from the Hive in stolen video footages! Coded for all viewers abroad.
I love the sound of CyCon enemies laughing to death in the morning!
We give you a bit of conversation with our naval commander Beta-Zeta-Six. “We did use battlecries in combat. Since cyborgs do not have emotions we used them as a part of psychological war against Pirates. Analysis shows that this way combat odds are 22.4563 percent better in our favour,. One of our privates can sing you our battlecry01.exe. Private Iota, come here! Sing us battlecry01.exe!
“zero zero zero one zero”
“zero zero zero one one”
“zero zero one zero one”
“zero zero one one one”
“zero one one zero one”
“one zero zero zero one”
“one zero one one one”
“one one one zero one”
“one one one one one”
Enough Private Iota!
So what are the reactions of Pirates? Well they are not quite as we expected. There were cases when Pirates would laugh to death, hearing our battlecry01.exe. Based on that results, we plan to develop battlecry02.exe which would laugh to death all organics within hearing range. Combined with enormous speakers. As soon as we complete this weapon of mass destruction, of course purerly for defense
, CyCon`s military potential will be the best on planet.”
Note: since CyCon currently doesn`t posses Advanced Military Algorythms yet, the result of the battlecry analysis may actually be baked potatoe.
Disclaimer
It is the official opinion of CyCon government that they do not aprove any jokes made upon Pirates. They respect Pirate faction and hope for full
enslavement integration of all their members into CyCon. It also asks readers to understand that any jokes that make fun of Pirates are not in any way official diplomatic politic towards Pirates. Government of CyCon does not wish to comment
interogation of Pirate citizens social research made in captured Pirate bases.
Basic Cyborg Instinct! Provocative!
Here you are: Pornography! From this issue forward 3D will join CyCon politics of increasing population growth. Enjoy explicit photos!
Orgy!
Naked circuitry!
Naked pleasure proccesor!
Rare photo from Tassadar`s collection
CyCon government encourages you to increase our population so that we are not forced to assimilate PUT or Hive.
Yet again no Miss CyCon
CyCon has denounced once again to participate in popular beauty contest. “Miss Chiron”. Official statement is that it is ilogical to compete with organics on the basis uncontrolled physical traits. Unofficialy we have learned that CyCon government does not like previous Miss Chirons – they have to be at least 40 percent cybernetic. Public opinion concurs with this – 78 percent find organic women unattractive. But then 86 percent find all women unattractive.
Too much spam will cause tidal waves in future
Chiron`s Radical Anarchist Planetologists, or C.R.A.P., have recently published study about the state of Chiron`s ecosystem. According to study, Hive produces 87.55 percent of total annual spam. If this rate continues, Hive`s spam will most likely cause permanent ecodamage to environment, and may trigger raising global sea levels. If Hive does not reduce quantity of spam, this will most likely occur in next ten mission years. CyCon`s United Planetologists, or C.U.P., are indifferent towards this study. Quoting Beta-Buzz-One “Sea levels rise? So what – we already have a lot of sunny resorts. ” CyCon also plans to increase its spam production by 45 percent in next three months, not wishing to be left behind the Hive, even in spam production.
Special interruption: Renegade function at large!
Special annoucement: MWIA is free: He has escaped hospital in Apolyton Prime after jumping from the 12th floor. Unfortunately he has implanted leg enhanchements so he was unhurt by fall. He is mad, druken, scottish and armed with impact bagpipes. Please report to us if you see him because we need to delete his drunken scottish program.
3D Offices hacked!
Another special anouncement: After a hacking attack on 3D Offices, several files have been erased, especially those including footage of Claire Forlani in Jamskis bed. Disclaimer: these files were given by TassGod, as a sign of gratitude for his CyCon worshippers. No laws have been broken since this was not aquired by probe action. CyCon is currently questioning Hive ambassador HongHu about any information about the attack. However, additional copy, preserved in secret memory unit of our editor will be available to every new CyCon member. Deluxe edition will be also given to any new member of CyCon that becomes an initiate of Tass.
Cause of Cyborg disinterest into procreation revealed!
Cyborgs seem to qualify Cyborg members of the opposite sex as certain stereotypes, as it follows:
1. Datalink Cyborg - must pay to use it.
2. Server Cyborg -always too busy and malfunctioning when you need it.
3. Windows Cyborg - full of bugs, but you an`t live without it.
4. MS-DOS Cyborg - All have had it, but no one wants it anymore.
5. Backup Cyborg - You think it has it all, but when you need it you realise that something is amiss.
6. Screen saver Cyborg - No essential functions, but you like to watch it.
7. PM Cyborg - 95 percent of stuff it says are absolute stupidity.
8. Tass Cyborg - When you least expect it, it infiltrates into your home and starts to annoy you. If you try to deinstall it, you lose sanity If you do not do anything you lose your sanity.
TassGod, Great God of Endless Spam, publishes his Ten Commandments in CyCon
Great Tass, Lord of Allmighty Spam, has chosen to publish his word in 3D, showing his gratefullness for his most zealot faction. Even
as we hoped for Planet Busters we didn`t expect such gesture of Godly Power! Hurray for Tass and his CyCon worshippers!
1. Thou shalt not worship any other god before me, your Lord Tassadar.
2. Thou shalt worship me at all places, at all times.
3. Thou shalt be devoted to the star, the symbol of my power.
4. Thou shalt always follow my orders.
5. Thou shalt not defame me in any sense
6. Thou shalt dedicate thyself to communism, thy belief system of your Lord Tassadar
7. Thou shalt play the Soviet anthem once each day
8. Thou shalt not work on the day of your Lord Tassadar, the ninth day of the eigth month
9. Thou shalt not gaze at ungodly images
and
10. Thou shalt listen to Lord Tassadar for his words contain wisdoms beyond any human or Cyborg.
CyCon is currently polling about TassGods Sixth and Seventh Commandment being anticonstitutional towards CyCon. Majority thinks that his commandment will be obeyed, but only after CyCon anthem is played.
Majority also considers that the time is not appropriate for introducing communism into CyCon. Tenth commandment is also under review, because Cyborgs already are wiser than organics. Chosen One of Tass has approved adding "or Cyborg" at the end of Tenth Commandment fearing retribution from TassGod.
But whatever, the world isn't going to fall with a possibly (not) mistyped letter. 
