PRAVDA SPECIAL EDITION #8 - 16th June 2003 - Or How I Learnt To Love The Hive

Jamski · June 15, 2003, 18:32

COMRADES!
WE GREET EACH DAY WITH THE TRUTH!

Lenin's Birthday Edition of the Russian Newspaper "Pravda" which means "The Truth"

Welcome comrades to this, the glorious eighth special edition of PRAVDA - the offical newsletter of the Human Hive. This may be my last PRAVDA for a few weeks as the PRAVDA offices are about to be relocated to a new base. I'm sure that Hive efficency will ensure that I am quickly connected to a new Network Node to get back in touch. Enjoy this PRAVDA! All hail to the glorious Chairman Voltaire and the members of the Peoples' advisory council!

In This Issue :

The Red Book!
More Babies Please Comrades!
Gnool Tells It Like It Is"
Sex Education 101!
Comrade Claire!
Music and Romance in the Park!
Smiling in Brotherhood!
Nervestapling!
Public Safety Annoucments
And.....All the News that's Good to Eat! (includes xenodoughnuts)

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Comrade Voltaire Shows The Way!

The Chairman has allowed the adoring Hive citizens to publish theThe Red Book - a collection of his most inspirational sayings. PRAVDA brings you some highlights, so YOU too can rejoice in the wisdom that formerly only the inner circle have heard...

The Red Book

Front Cover

Regarding Constitution

Read the constitution carefully Comrade, believe me it’s far from liberal. It’s just that there are really subtle lines in there that pretty much ensure the stability of the State.
The constitution IS perfect, anyone saying otherwise is an enemy of the people and therefore looses all constitutional rights.

Regarding Comrades

Alas we are far and few in-between.
We could use more forward right thinking communists like you Comrade.
Nonsense Comrade!
Bad Jamski, bad!
Comrade Vev, I'm disappointed in you...
...very, very dissapointed...
I think someone deserves a spanking from Comrade Claire... you bad, bad boy.
That has slightly more sexual connotation that I would have imagined.
The CCC has rejected Comrade HongHu's nomination
Isn't the good Comrade Marshal taking a bit too much liberty and infringing on the territory of the CCC?
If Comrade Tassadar persists with his counter revolutionary activities, the CCC will have no choice but to place Comrade Tassadar under house arrest until a tribunal can be set up.
Comrades rejoice for our great faction has undertaken new measures for the security of her People.
The Chairman is pleased.

Regarding Democracy

Remember we’re a People’s Democracy, the People should have a say.
I personally will be contributing several pieces on the virtues of socialism and People’s Democracy.
as Chairman I do not intend to decide everything myself
Of course as a check to the power of the Ministries the Chairman will be able to override any decision.
We can’t let this democracy thing get too far now can we, the Chairman still must have some power.
There's never a bad time to exercise dictatorial power
I play the turns by myself and the rest of you be dammed.
Now that's what's great about our faction.

Regarding Efficiency

I LOVE Hive efficiency.
Such efficiency, it bring a tear to my eye.

Regarding Pravda

I propose that we have a PRAVDA Swimsuit Edition.
I like, I really really really like.
I can't wait for the upcoming PRAVDA! So much juice will be in this one.

Regarding Game Playing

I'm too lazy to reach for the CD
I don't quite follow...
But why would you have me do such a thing?
I sort of ran off there, went to get something to snack on, then sort of completely forgot about everything else.
I blame the soon to be appointed Minister of Finance for this.
the Chairman NEEDS you!
your job is to keep me from doing anything stupid ever again.
You’re assuming I will give you a chance to use the power.

Regarding Hive Policy

The two-term plan, as it has been dubbed by the CCC, will ensure that the People of the Human Hive have a standing military, efficient infrastructure, and effective expansion that will result in the increase of the prosperity of the faction as a whole.
The Hive's new 10 child policy... you must have 10 children or else.
from this moment onward that will be the official general Hive terraforming policy
People as so gullible, and we can use that to our great advantage.

Regarding the Society

Comrades today is a great day for humanity for we have established here on Planet what will become the first true communist nation.
Comrades I declare that we have reached true communism! The dream of so many back on old Earth has finally taken form here on Planet.
Eudaimonic ideally, but leave Thought Control on the table.

Regarding Victory

Our ultimate goal should be a combined coalition invasion
though we really should strive to get some sea units early on so we can go and exploit the pods on the oceans
our troop movements are simply “routine exercises, nothing at all to be alarmed about”.
we'll be well on out way to victory.
So get to it people...

As always PRAVDA is grateful that we can be the first to share these pearls of wisdom from the Chairman.

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New Hive Population Boost

We love the Hive so much we want more children to be born into the loving care of our glorious Childrens' Creches. This poster will be displayed accross the Hive to help our Comrades forfill the Chairman's "10 babies" doctorine - just another part of our carefully planned economy.

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Comrade Gnool Says...

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Hive Introduces New Educational Methods:

A report from the Office of the Marshal of the Revoultionary Army of the Human Hive.

After a Department of Military Intelligence study found that sex appeal and learning go hand in hand, the Human Hive decided to adopt a new system to educate the public regarding Marxism, proper behaviour for the citizenry, and obedience to the Chairman. The new system, which has increased general happiness by well over 2,562.3%, consists of combining a ~~propaganda message~~ enlightened principal with a picture of an attractive person. Though studies have found most males will pay little or no attention to the message itself and much more to the "features" of the "subject" of the "picture"; it appears as though the subconscious does indeed recognise the message. With the use of this new technique, Military Officials have been able to successfully ~~gain control of people's minds~~ spread enlightenment to the masses.

- Comrade Marshal Rokossovky

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***IGNORE THESE CAPITALIST RUMORS***

A "study", illegally published by members of the University of [removed for security reasons] Base yesterday, has disturbed the whole country and caused a crisis meeting of the CCC last night.
In that study an obviously insane student claimed that the lack of sunlight, in conjunction with the "massive overcrowding" in the underground cities would not only help the spread of diseases and plaques, but even deteriorate the dire consequences.

His "proofs" of course aren't scientificly documented. So e.g. his claim, only real sunlight could make the skin produce vitamine D, is complete nonsense, as has been certified by a renowned Hive scientist, Comrade Doctor Wujiang.

Fortunately the Crimson Guard was able to catch the trouble-maker and take him into ~~the recycling tanks~~ a lunatic asylum ~~after massive use of nerve staplers~~.
Now a crisis management group is working hard to restore order and to calm the upset population. It is said that mass nerve stapling would help immensely in this situation, as it has similar effects on the human brain as drugs have, just without the side effects.

(Although up to this date it is not known whether nerve stapling could be addictive or not...)

Note that this article has not yet been reviewed by the Ministery of Information.

Editorial Comment:
This Morning Hive scientists published a correction to that "study". They prove that artificial light, as used in the underground facilities of the glorious Hive, has mostly beneficial effects on the human beings. The average Hive citizen, for instance, is about three inches taller than its counterparts in the other factions (assuming they didn´t grow since the Unity disaster).
"That comes from the additional "sunshine hours" the lighting system provides to us", said Comrade Doctor Wujiang.

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The Hive is (S)miles Ahead

A recent smiling competition within the Hive have uncovered a wealth of good smiles. The clean white teeth and healthy gums have been largely attributed to the unique ingredients found in xenodoughnut currently on special offer from Comrade Octavian X. Comrade Claire Forlani agrees too with the healing properties of xenodoughnuts, along with the rest of Pravda staff ~~although for reasons not related to this article~~. Hive citizens are encouraged to smile for the happiness and well-being for themselves and others ~~or volunteer as a target stand holder for the next Olympics~~.

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***HIVE***PUBLIC***ANNOUNCEMENT***

(deleted for security reasons)

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Nerve-stapling Libertarians in the Park

A song by our Glorious Chairman

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're nerve-stapling libertarians in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
Claire Forlani and me,
As we nerve-staple the libertarians in the park.

When they see us coming, the capitalists all try an' hide,
But they still go for credits when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're nerve-stapling libertarians in the park.

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the UN Human Rights Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a capitalist pig-dog.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll nerve-staple the libertarians in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a revisionist or two,
While we're nerve-stapling libertarians in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment,
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strych'nine
We inflict to a Randist .
(It just takes a twist!)
To nerve-staple a libertarian in the park.

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More from PRAVDA's Comrade Forlani

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More Safe Nervestapling Humour

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In other news :

Coming soon - a Claire Forlani SPECIAL EDITION!
No further polls on the Chairman's popularity after the researchers were found to be adjusting the results.
They were adjusting them downwards to make them more believable
Comrade Tassadar wants to sell a datalink called "Rise of Nations" Please contact him privately through your Network Node's PM service

Onwards Comrades - the Future of Humanity lies in Cooperation, Brotherhood and Industry - Continue to Work for the Glory of the Human Hive

Editorial Deputy to the PAC - Comrade Jamski

Octavian X · June 16, 2003, 00:16

I have the sudden urge to go nervestappling in the park...

Voltaire · June 16, 2003, 00:31

Ah, what a shining example our moderator and Googliegod has set for us all.

Micha · June 16, 2003, 00:48

Great Edition!

*whistles* ...We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment, Except for the few we take home to experiment... *whistles*

Corellion · June 16, 2003, 02:04

A parody of a parody... anything built on Tom Lehrer can't be bad!

In the CyCon, we have a similar song, only it's called "Assimilating Believers in the fields".

Vev · June 16, 2003, 02:05

Oh, I'm keen for the lyrics.

Corellion · June 16, 2003, 02:21

Well, I use the word "song" loosely in this sense. It's actually a stream of encoded binary accompanied with mathematical algorythms that could be interpreted in certain media as music.

Static Universe · June 16, 2003, 02:37

Quote:

Originally posted by Corellion
Well, I use the word "song" loosely in this sense. It's actually a stream of encoded binary accompanied with mathematical algorythms that could be interpreted in certain media as music.

Which is just the CyCon way of saying "It's got a good beat and you can dance to it."

Another great issue!

I hope no one gets banned for the Claire F. propoganda posters.

Vander · June 16, 2003, 02:39

This is an example of how great our glorious hive is. How long has it been since the other factions have reveled in their exploits? Longer than this Comrade can remember! Perhaps they are too far behind us to bring anything of revalance to the general forum?

Vev · June 16, 2003, 02:48

Well done Pravda!

Mr. President · June 16, 2003, 06:50

You guys rock.

GeneralTacticus · June 16, 2003, 08:31

Quote:

This is an example of how great our glorious hive is. How long has it been since the other factions have reveled in their exploits? Longer than this Comrade can remember! Perhaps they are too far behind us to bring anything of revalance to the general forum?

No, we just happen to have ebtter things to do than revealing our secrets to the ignorant masses, such as leaving you all behind in the dust in the tech race...

Snowflake · June 16, 2003, 09:56

Quote:

Originally posted by Vander
Longer than this Comrade can remember! Perhaps they are too far behind us to bring anything of revalance to the general forum?

Vander, Vander, stop being so negative about everything please, it's not good to your health! Smile, this Comrade, and keep your hope up!

Snowflake · June 16, 2003, 09:59

Quote:

Originally posted by GeneralTacticus

No, we just happen to have ebtter things to do than revealing our secrets to the ignorant masses, such as leaving you all behind in the dust in the tech race...

Your explanation about not revealing secrets is accepted by the ignorant masses, as long as you still have ebtter things to do.

You are scientist in ivory tower after all. Who can blame you?