Know any good American jokes?

Vince278 · June 15, 2003, 22:59

As an American myself I always have been curious as to what jokes are told about Americans by others. I think these jokes can be a window showing how we are perceived by others and we all can learn alot from that. Don't worry about offending me, I realize its all in good fun but lets keep it clean so we don't get into trouble.

alva · June 15, 2003, 23:37

http://apolyton.net/forums/showthrea...threadid=89296

Vince278 · June 16, 2003, 17:58

Quote:

Originally posted by alva

http://apolyton.net/forums/showthrea...threadid=89296

I read through the entire thread and I don't get it. Unless you're saying their line of discussion is a joke in of itself.

Inverse Icarus · June 16, 2003, 18:12

there was something in ww2, where we were notorious for friendly fire. the joke went something like:

when the germans fire, the french duck.
when the british fire, the germans duck.
when the americans fire, everbody ducks.

MrFun · June 16, 2003, 18:13

We set up puppet dictatorships in other countries in the name of freedom and democracy during the Cold War.

Lonestar · June 16, 2003, 18:40

An Italian, Frenchman, and American were at a Bar. The Italian starts talking about how he screwed his wife 3 times the previous night, and told him he was the best lover in all of Italy.

The Frenchman Goes, "That's nothing, I screwed my wife 5 times last night, and she said I was the greatest lover in all of Europe."

The Euros looked over at the American, who's drinking his beer.

"Well, I only had sex with my wife once last night." The American said. The other two laughed.

"And what did your wife say this morning, eh?" Snorted the Frenchie.

"Don't stop."

Demerzel · June 16, 2003, 18:54

Quote:

Originally posted by Lonestar
An Italian, Frenchman, and American were at a Bar. The Italian starts talking about how he screwed his wife 3 times the previous night, and told him he was the best lover in all of Italy.

The Frenchman Goes, "That's nothing, I screwed my wife 5 times last night, and she said I was the greatest lover in all of Europe."

The Euros looked over at the American, who's drinking his beer.

"Well, I only had sex with my wife once last night." The American said. The other two laughed.

"And what did your wife say this morning, eh?" Snorted the Frenchie.

"Don't stop."

I presume she was saying that to her English lover?

Lonestar · June 16, 2003, 18:58

No, no....Englishmen are uptight non-romantics, remember?

Dauphin · June 16, 2003, 18:59

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

Dauphin · June 16, 2003, 19:01

The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Lonestar · June 16, 2003, 19:03

Quote:

Originally posted by Big Crunch
The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Joke's been around since the '30's, and it was originally a British Ship.

INcidently, Ghandi thought Western Civilization would be a good idea.

Dauphin · June 16, 2003, 19:05

Well most jokes are the same with a *insert country here* label.

Vince278 · June 16, 2003, 19:54

Quote:

Originally posted by Big Crunch
Well most jokes are the same with a *insert country here* label.

I was hoping to avoid generic jokes. How about we try lightbulb jokes? Here's a few to start things off:

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. But it has to be done before tea time.

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Don't know. They're still criticizing the US lightbulb teams in the UN.

Here's one from Star Trek -
How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One actually does the work and other shoots him and takes credit.

My favorite is one from Babylon 5 -
How many Centauri does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. But in the old days hundreds of servants could screw in thousands of lightbulbs.

PresidentMarcos · June 16, 2003, 21:00

No, I don't know any American jokes. But I know a whole s***load of Polsih jokes. Here is one...
(Highlight to read, I couldn't risk offending anyone)
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty
tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in
there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two
locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him
whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the
American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged
on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in
the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped
for breath.
Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room
and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American
heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the
door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done
eating the jelly donuts."

I got it off of a website. And no offense.

Also, don't ban me.

Zero · June 16, 2003, 21:40

ok I dunno if this is a joke that makes fun of americans or mexicans but here it goes:

Theres 3 people on a plane. Japanese, mexican and an american. The mexican guy opens the window and starts throwing tacos out from the plane. Japanese guys asks what he's doing and mexican guy replies 'We have too many of these in our country'. So japanese guy thinks for a moment and grabs a bag of rice and starts throwing them out too. The American guy notices this and asks him what he is doing, and the japanese guy gives the same answer: We have too many of these in our country. Then the American guy thinks for a moment, grabs the mexican guy and chucks him off the plane. He looks at the horrified japanese guy and replies "we have too many of these in our country".

Pat would love this joke.

Zero · June 16, 2003, 21:53

Quote:

Originally posted by PresidentMarcos
No, I don't know any American jokes. But I know a whole s***load of Polsih jokes.

that wasnt too bad but I know some rreeeeeal good ones. If you dont want polish jokes to be racy, usually all you have to do is change people to smart, average and dumb people. (cause it usually deals with how polish people are stereotypically dumb, but nothing really has anything to do with their distinct ethnic difference)

So here it goes:

Theres 3 people (you know who they are, look above). They are to be executed and the executioner takes preverse pleasure in making a deal that if they survive the execution attempt the live. They were sentenced to an electrical chair and first person is strapped and switch is turned... excpet nothign happens. Since executioner never breaks his oath, he lets the guy free. Second guy also survives the execution thru same situtation and now the executioner is pissed that 2 people survived his execution. And while he is b!tchin and moaning about it as hes strapping the dumb guy, the dumb guy whispers to the executioner: "ummm excuse me, I think you forgot to plug the power cord".

Theres 3 people stranded in an island. And average guy while walking on the beach finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp and the genie pops out telling him that he will grant 3 wishes. The guy is so happy at the thought of being able to go home, he immediately requests he goes home and he is sent off. The smart guy having spent hours trying to locate the average guy finds the genie still waiting for 2 more wishes to grant until he goes back to sleep for another 100 years. Genie explains that the other guy is already sent off to his home and he is awaiting his command. Smart guy thinks for a moment and says, "Id like to go home with million dollars in my hand." and he is immediately sent home with cash in his hand. now dumb guy having spent days looking for both of them finds the genie awaiting his last command. Genie explains to dumb guy what has happened to 2 of them and this pisses off the dumb guy. He says "That sons of b!tches left the island without me? Well they damn better come back right now or I'd be pissed!". The Genie goes into 100 year sleep after granting the dumb guys wish.

The 3 parachute and 4 people one is a classic, so Im guessing everyone knows it

Hardware store one is a classic too, but I dont think its that funny.

Ugh too much polish.... i mean dumb people jokes.

Pekka · June 16, 2003, 21:56

Three Americans were on the roof of a high building. They could wish for what ever they wanted to drop on, if they jumped. First one screamed 'MONEYYYY!' and he safely landed on a huge pile of it. Second one screamed 'BEEER!' and landed safely. Third run fast and just before the jump slipped and shout 'Oh Sh1t'.
-----

Yeah!.. well not really joke about Americans but what the hell.. We don't have those that much, we mostly joke about neighbouring countries.

Zero · June 16, 2003, 22:11

Quote:

Originally posted by Pekka
Three Americans were on the roof of a high building. They could wish for what ever they wanted to drop on, if they jumped. First one screamed 'MONEYYYY!' and he safely landed on a huge pile of it. Second one screamed 'BEEER!' and landed safely. Third run fast and just before the jump slipped and shout 'Oh Sh1t'.

i heard that one, except it was 3 suicidal ppl who gets their dying wish, avergae guy = cushion (changed his mind about dying), smart guy = cushion with chicks, dumb guy = ****! (i dont wanna die!)

Dis · June 16, 2003, 22:15

I predict this thread will be locked

some are funny, some... not so funny

Victor Galis · June 16, 2003, 23:23

Not really an American joke, but:

Back in the days when the Soviet Union was around, an American and a Russian die and they go to Hell. There's two versions and they get to chose. In American hell, everyone has to eat one shovel of **** per day. In Soviet Hell, everyone has to eat four. The American gladly choses American Hell. The Russian choses the Soviet version. The American is puzzled and asks him why he'd want 4 shovels of **** over 1. The Russian answers, "It's Soviet Hell, half the year they don't have shovels, the other half they don't have ****."

A short one once posted by someone on Apolyton:
Q: What's the difference between America and a jar of yogurt?
A: Given enough time the yogurt would develop a culture.

Sava · June 16, 2003, 23:29

Why did the American cross the road?

Edited by Ming...

Are you looking for another restriction Sava...

The Templar · June 16, 2003, 23:30

Peruvian: So tell me about New Orleans

Templar: Well, the French built it. Then the Spanish conquered it. Then the French took it back. Then the British conquered it. Then the French took it back. Then the Americans bought it from the French.

Peruvian: Ah! A microcosm of world history!

Kuciwalker · June 16, 2003, 23:39

Not really a joke on Americans... but funny nonetheless.

An American, a German, and a Frenchman are accused of breaking some obscure Islamic law in Afghanistan. The local warlord sentences them to 20 lashes. However, it's his birthday, so he says they can each have one wish. The Frenchman asks for a pillow to be strapped to his back. After 10 lashes, the pillow falls apart, and the Frenchman staggers away reeling from the remaining 10. The German, seeing what happened to the Frenchman, asks for an entire matress to be strapped to his back. After 15 lashes, the matress falls apart, and the remaining 5 bring the German considerable pain. The warlord, however, particularly likes Americans, so he offers the American two wishes. First, the American asks for, instead of 20, 100 lashes. The warlord murmurs, "this is surely a man of devotion." The American then asks for the Frenchman to be strapped to his back.

Sava · June 16, 2003, 23:43

hahah sorry ming, just a joke

Zkribbler · June 17, 2003, 00:25

An American, a Brit and a Frenchman are discussing the meaning of "savoir faire."

"When you come home to find your wife making love to another man," says the American, "and you leave without saying anything--that is savoir faire."

"No, no, old chap," says the Brit. "It's when you come home to find your wife making love to another man and you say, 'Carry on!' That is savoir faire."

"I am sorry, mes amis, you are both wrong," says the Frenchman. "When you come home to find your wife making love to another man, you say 'Carry on!' and they do!! --That is savoir faire!"

Zero · June 17, 2003, 00:30

Quote:

Originally posted by Sava
Why did the American cross the road?

Edited by Ming...

Are you looking for another restriction Sava...

NOOOOO! Im curious now.. Sava PM me now!

Pekka · June 17, 2003, 00:33

Zero, I admit it! Neither of them were actually jokes about Americans, just generic stuff.. sorry. I can't remember any particular joke about Americans now. We mostly tell jokes about your neighbouring countries..

Zero · June 17, 2003, 00:34

Quote:

Originally posted by skywalker
Not really a joke on Americans... but funny nonetheless.

An American, a German, and a Frenchman are accused of breaking some obscure Islamic law in Afghanistan. The local warlord sentences them to 20 lashes. However, it's his birthday, so he says they can each have one wish. The Frenchman asks for a pillow to be strapped to his back. After 10 lashes, the pillow falls apart, and the Frenchman staggers away reeling from the remaining 10. The German, seeing what happened to the Frenchman, asks for an entire matress to be strapped to his back. After 15 lashes, the matress falls apart, and the remaining 5 bring the German considerable pain. The warlord, however, particularly likes Americans, so he offers the American two wishes. First, the American asks for, instead of 20, 100 lashes. The warlord murmurs, "this is surely a man of devotion." The American then asks for the Frenchman to be strapped to his back.

i heard of this one... in many ethnic hatred forms.

Zero · June 17, 2003, 00:36

awww ming deleted my sex jokes.

(i think its because it had too much "penis" in one post

)

Ming · June 17, 2003, 00:39

And if you post anymore "sex" jokes, you are toast

I really don't want to close this thread, but if some people can't show some common sense, and I have to delete many more, the thread will just have to be closed, and the people that cause the problem will just get restricted.